


Rivals

by Venomis



Category: Mayans M.C. (TV), Sons of Anarchy
Genre: Betrayal, Bullying, Forbidden Love, Friendship, Gay, M/M, Rivals, Secrets, Sexual Content, True Love, Trust Issues, lgtbq
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2020-10-10 10:07:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 42
Words: 92,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20526242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Venomis/pseuds/Venomis
Summary: Long hours pass by when Juice and Caine are both stuck in an elevator. The moment the doors open, their ways part and they intend to forget about the past hours. However, Juice can't get the guy out of his head. The seeds of friendship are planted, but since they are both members of rival gangs, there isn't much room for them to grow. When Juice starts to believe it aren't just feelings of friendship he's struggling with, he is torn between his loyalty to the club and a chance on a love he craved for his whole life.





	1. Stuck

Juice blinked his eyes as he left his bedroom and was greeted by Skye's tight ass. Her yoga pants hugged her cheeks in the most perfect way; although the sight of it didn't elicit any feelings. Not anymore. Nevertheless, it wasn't the worst thing to look at, so early in the morning. As he passed her, he playfully slapped her ass. "Mornin' Mouse."

Skye raised herself again, fluently moving into another yoga pose. "Morning!"

He walked over to the kitchen, where a smoothie was already waiting for him. Bringing the glass to his lips, he turned around. Like every morning, his presence didn't bother Skye and she calmly completed her yoga session.

He made two grilled cheese sandwiches and took the plates to the dinner table. By now, she was sitting on her knees; her upper body bent backwards while her hands were resting on her heels. Her soft purple hair was like a waterfall pooling around her feet. The countless earrings were clinking when she sat up straight and got up to sit down next to him.

He was probably the only person on earth who voluntarily lived with his ex. It had been a year since they had broken up amicably. Without drama, without tears. He told her he considered her more like a friend than a lover, and she had felt the same about him.

There had been no hard feelings, and things had gone back to normal immediately. Before they started dating, they had been best friends for years. They had been so close that Juice believed he felt more than friendship alone, but in the end he was proven wrong.

Mouse was the most relaxed person he had ever met. He couldn't remember if they had ever been in a fight, and he knew her for over ten years. When their relationship had ended, it didn't even occur to him that it might be weird to keep living together. They were perfectly in sync; they sensed each other's needs as if they were telepathic. There had been no need to live separately. He liked having her around and since they were just friends, neither of them had felt the urge to kiss the other.

"You going to the hospital?" she asked, starting to eat her sandwich.

Juice glanced at the clock. In less than 30 minutes the visiting hours would start. It wasn't like he hadn't been able to go earlier; two prospects had stood guard all night, but he didn't want to show the others how shaken up he was about the whole situation. "Yea, you need a ride?"

She shook her head. "There won't be a puppet show until Friday."

Skye was a volunteer for an organisation that organized kids entertainment in hospitals. She was involved with it for as long as Juice could remember, and it was one of the many things that made her so special.

"They don't know when he can go home yet, right?"

Sadly, Juice shook his head. His brother had been shot in the chest two days ago. They didn't even know who had done it. It was gnawing at him; he wasn't used to not knowing where the threat was coming from.

"Poor guy. If he's still there by Friday, I'll drag him to the show."

Juice laughed quietly. "I think he would be happy with a bit of a distraction."

He could already picture Chibs sitting between all the little ones. Most of the puppets shows Sky wrote herself. She practiced them at home, and most of the time, he was the one who would tell her if her jokes were too lame. By now, she was so skilled she barely needed his feedback.

Juice grabbed his plate, put it in the dishwasher and put on his shoes and kutte. "I'm heading out." He kissed her cheek and grabbed his keys and wallet.

"Give Chibbies a bear hug from me!"

"He won't expect any less," he winked. "If you're bored, you should stop by."

"I wish I could, but Max claimed my whole afternoon. Can't think of anything more fun than tutoring that kid in calculus."

With a smirk, Juice shook his head and headed out. His grin faded the moment he stood outside. The weather was terrible. It was raining like hell, the sky was lighting up and there was a strong wind blowing. For a moment he considered changing his shirt for something warmer, then he shook off the cold. It was only a short ride to the hospital.

* * *

Juice was regretting his decision already as he approached the hospital. He was soaking wet, even his boxers felt sticky. There wasn't even a dry piece of cloth left to wipe the drops from his cheeks. With a grumpy face he walked over to the elevator. He pressed the button impatiently.

It was quiet in the building; he was the only one entering the elevator. Pressing the button for the third floor, he leaned against the wall, waiting until the light for the first floor switched on. The door slid open.

Juice glanced briefly at the newcomer, and tensed when he saw the man's kutte. The two stared at each other; a thousand different thoughts crossed his mind. Had it been the Mayans who had gunned down Chibs? Was that guy here to finish the job? Juice's hand moved to the gun behind his waistband.

"You gonna put a bullet in me, or do you think we're gonna survive sharin' an elevator for a few seconds?" the man asked. His voice sounded a bit mocking.

Uncomfortably, Juice shoved his foot across the floor. As indifferently as he could, he shrugged his shoulders. The man stepped inside, pressing the button for the fourth floor. Juice's hand didn't move away from his gun, and the stiff movements of the other told him he was also on guard, ready to pull a weapon.

It felt like these were the longest seconds of his life. The doors closed painfully slow. Although Juice pretended to look at them, he was actually studying the other biker from the corner of his eye.

He wasn't wearing a prospect patch. Although he was from Oakland, Juice doubted he had ever seen him before. He estimated they were around the same age. However, the way his muscles tensed beneath his tattooed skin and the alert look in his eyes, told Juice he shouldn't take him for a rookie.

The tension between them was palpable and almost visible. Juice was aware of his heavy breathing, of every heartbeat. Man, how long would it take before the elevator reached the next floor?!

As if the elevator couldn't bear their tension any longer, the small cabin shook suddenly. Juice's shoulder slammed against the wall, and the Mayan grabbed the railing on the wall to keep himself from falling.

The elevator stopped moving.

"You gotta be fuckin' kidding me," Juice grunted. His eyes flashed to the biker, who stared coldly at him as if he had been the one stopping the elevator.

This could only happen to him. Being stuck in a fucking elevator with his arch enemy.


	2. Not Alone

The first 30 minutes were fine. Juice had pressed the alarm button; there wasn't much else he could do. He was in a hospital, a broken elevator wouldn't escape anyone's attention. But after that first half hour... the unrest started to creep under his skin. He sat on the ground, feeling positively frozen because of his wet clothes, but tried not to show it to the Mayan. 

The guy was sitting in the opposite corner. At first he had been busy on his phone, now he seemed to get bored as well. 

"What's your name?" Juice asked after a while. 

The silence felt suffocating. Having a normal conversation with the guy might help him to feel less locked up, less antsy. 

"Why?" the other huffed. "You think you and me are gonna be friends now?"

Juice rolled his eyes and stared at the floor. _I guess not. _

Well then, they would stay quiet for another hour. 

* * *

After one hour, their situation hadn't changed. His elevator buddy had called someone who was in the hospital and people were working on it, but nobody could estimate how long it would take. 

Juice tried to banish all negative thoughts. He failed – after all, there wasn't much he could do but think. He had been playing games on his phone for an hour, but his battery was getting low and he had no idea how long they would be stuck in here. He thought of all the news reports he had read. About people who had been locked up for days, who had only survived by drinking urine. What was driving him even crazier, was the fact that they didn't know what was wrong with the elevator. What if one of the cables had broken? What if the other couldn't bear the weight and would break too? They would crash. He knew it was all in his head, but he was sure he heard something crack. 

His breathing became deeper, more laborious. Suddenly his temples started to sting. Oh god – not a panic attack, not now... He rubbed his face, trying to concentrate on other things. He failed; all he could think of was that he would be hyperventilating like some idiot. The Mayan would know how weak he was. Soon, the whole Oakland charter would know that he had lost his mind because of a freaking broken elevator. They would drag him off his bike, take him to some remote place and torture him until he had confessed all club secrets. 

But maybe they would never get that far. Maybe they would crash down and die, or maybe they would die of thirst. He hadn't taken anything with him, and neither had the Mayan. And even if he had, he probably wouldn't share it with a Son anyway. 

He could barely breathe. He sat up straighter, tried to imagine that he was alone, that he wasn't stuck in a shitty elevator, that he... He squeezed his eyes shut, taking deep breaths. It felt like not a bit of oxygen reached his lungs, as if there was a stone stuck in his throat. 

He started to sweat, while his nails scraped across the floor of the elevator. 

"Hey. What's going on? Hey!"

A hand on his knee, for a very brief moment. 

"You havin' a panic attack?"

Juice wasn't able to answer; he felt lightheaded. He could already feel the elevator falling down. Soon they would hit the ground and get crushed. 

"Hey, look at me."

Juice did as he was told, glad someone told him what to do. Before he got lost in his head, before he would suffocate, before...

"Deep, slow breaths. Okay? Tell me what color my eyes are."

What?! What kind of question was that?!

He got scared when he noticed that he couldn't even see the guy's eyes. It felt like there was a thick fog in between them. Was there something on fire? He took a deep breath, but he couldn't remember the smell of fire. 

"Concentrate." Again, he felt a small bump against his knee. 

Juice squinted his eyes to slits. Slowly, the fog cleared, his glance becoming sharper. 

"Brown," he muttered. "Brown like coffee beans."

His voice made him cringe. What was he, a baby? Man – he felt so embarrassed he didn't even dare to look at the other anymore. The pressure on his chest returned. Shakily, he breathed in. 

"What's your name?" the man asked. 

Juice shrugged, still staring at the ground. His cheeks flushed in shame. 

"I'm Raine," the biker told him. 

"Juice," he muttered. 

"Okay, listen Juice. This is temporary, okay? Within an hour or two we can leave this elevator. We're in a hospital, they have hundreds of emergency protocols for this. We're lucky we're both healthy people. It's a matter of hours, but we can survive in here for at least three days."

"I know," Juice muttered. He did know. In his head. But his body – it felt like his brain couldn't convince his body, as if it was leading a life of its own. 

"Here, this helps."

Juice looked to the side. Raine held out something colorful. As he took it, he was surprised to see that it was a Rubik's Cube.

A little dazed he stared at the Mayan, who lifted the corner of his mouth. Suddenly he didn't look that harsh anymore. Juice felt his shoulders relax and started to turn the cube. Keeping his hands busy; he knew that would help. Getting a row of the same color. 

For at least fifteen minutes the Rubik's Cube was all he thought about – then he became aware of Raine's presence again. Lowering his hands, he cocked his head to the side. He didn't want to look like some autistic kid. 

"How did you know what to do?"

He'd had panic attacks before. Most people, however, didn't know how to deal with them; they freaked out too, or told him he was upset about nothing or that everything would be fine. 

Raine made eye contact with him for a moment, as if he was wondering if he wanted to share something personal or not. "My lil sister has them too," he said eventually. "Panic attacks. The cube always helps her, that's why I'm going nowhere without one."

Juice bowed his head in shame. He had reminded the guy of his little sister. How humiliating. No Mayan would ever take him seriously again. His fingers were trembling. Whether it was because of the cold, or because the panic was rising up again, he didn't know. 

"Why are you here?" Juice asked. Talking usually helped; he just needed to distract himself. Raine had to know that too. Maybe he could even find out if the Mayans had something to do with the attack on Chibs. "Charming isn't exactly around the corner."

"My sister lives around here. I was visiting her."

Juice looked up from the puzzle, feeling a strange sensation in his stomach as he caught the man's look. He looked... defeated. 

"Because of her panic attacks?"

Raine shook his head. He rubbed his hand across his stubbly jaw and studied Juice's face, as if he was wondering how much it would hurt to open up. "That's my youngest sister. She's suffering from anxiety since mom died, seven years ago, but since last year it became ten times worse." Dropping his head down, he stared at the floor. "My other sister has breast cancer. Like my mom had. It's metastasized. Twenty-seven. She's twenty-seven, and she probably won't live another year."

Juice swallowed. Fuck – that was some heavy shit. 

"That's horrible," he muttered. "I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. Is there no chance that she will... you know?"

Raine heaved a deep sigh. "Nope."

Juice bent his head again. Knowing that the other man struggled with something so heavy while he was freaking out because of a stupid elevator, made him feel disgusted with himself. 

"Sammy... my youngest sister... She isn't just afraid to lose her sister; she's also scared she will get sick too. There's a good chance she will. They're monitoring her, but well – Rosa was monitored too."

The tone of his voice told Juice that Sammy wasn't the only one who was scared of that; Raine was obviously also terrified to lose another family member to that fucking disease. 

"You got more sisters? Or brothers?" Juice asked. He didn't know how to elaborate on their former topic, but he didn’t want to be silent. 

"No, it’s just the three of us. Rosa does have a two year old daughter. The girl never knew her dad; he was an asshole." He moved his fingers across his phone and turned the screen towards Juice. There was a little girl on it, holding a giant soft serve on a cone. Her smile was wide and infectious, making Juice's lips curl up too. "That's Sasha."

His voice sounded proud; something gave Juice the feeling he would be the one taking care of the little girl once her mother was gone – or maybe he was already caring for her. He, however, didn't dare to ask. 

Raine turned the screen off and briefly looked at Juice. It was indeed a little weird, watching family pictures of a guy he'd wanted to hold at gunpoint, just a while ago. However, he believed little children softened every heart. 

"Why are you here?" Raine asked after a while. 

Juice had been focused on the Rubik's Cube again, but the question made him look up. He didn't really need the puzzle anymore; he had calmed down. "One of my brothers was shot two days ago. We don't know who did it."

He bit the inside of his cheek. Damn – why did he have to tell him that? Now they looked like a bunch of dumbasses. 

Raine held his glance. "You thought I was going to finish the job?"

Juice shrugged his shoulders. They probably both lived this life long enough to know the answer. "You could’ve."

Maybe he still could. For all he knew, the guy might had made up that story about his sister. 

"Is it bad?"

Juice hesitated. He didn't know how much he could tell him and whether it would endanger Chibs if he told him more. At the same time, he believed the damage was already done. Without a doubt, they had their own hacker who could simply look into the hospital files to see how badly injured his brother was. 

"He was shot in the chest, his lung was perforated. He's stable, but he can't leave yet."

Raine nodded slowly. Moving his hand to his pocket, he pulled a pack of cigarettes out, offering it to Juice. 

"Smoking in a hospital?" Juice asked with raised eyebrows. 

The man shrugged, a hint of a smile crossing his lips. "Nobody else's gonna use this elevator anytime soon. Smell will be gone by tomorrow."

Juice didn't disagree. He sat up a little straighter, pulling at his clammy shirt that was sticking to his back. To be honest, he was dying for a cigarette. So he took one from the box, lighting it. 

As he sighed, the smoke slipped out from between his lips. He leaned back against the wall of the elevator. Contrary to the moment they got stuck in the elevator, Juice was now relieved that he wasn't alone.


	3. Experimenting

Raine put out his cigarette and looked to the side. Smoke was curling from Juice's lips. Without knowing why, he kept looking at it for a while. He was relieved the man had gotten his act together again; being stuck with a hyperventilating and panicking guy, would’ve made this whole situation ten times worse. 

"Why is it?" he asked after a while. 

He was bored as hell. At least talking would keep him busy – and if Juice didn't plan to answer he was fine with that too. 

"Hmm?" Juice gave him a confused look. 

"Your panic attacks. You had 'em your whole life?"

He knew his questions were very personal, but deep conversations were more satisfying than mindless chatter. There was nothing wrong with that, at times – but right now he wasn't in the mood for it. The man seemed to have an open mind. Not someone who was wearing his heart on his sleeve, but not the type of guy to keep everything to himself. It felt like he would open up once someone asked the right questions. 

"Yeah," he muttered. He had bent his knees and was fidgeting with the shoelace of his boot. "Though I didn't get the diagnosis OCD before I was 14."

So he had an obsessive-compulsive disorder. 

The man looked skittishly aside, afraid to be judged. Raine however, was the last person on earth who would judge him. If anything, his honesty commanded his respect. 

"It's never causin' you trouble with your brothers?" he wondered. It might be hard to rely on someone who panicked so easily. 

Juice shrugged. "Not really. It's more that my thoughts keep racing at night and I start to overthink everything... Or in moments like this. When I’ve got nothing else to do. But most days – I'm okay."

Raine heard the hesitation in his voice. It felt like he was wondering if that was really true, and whether his brothers wouldn't talk about it behind his back. Again, his insecure eyes shot to the side. 

Somehow his insecurity touched him. Wasn't the brotherhood supposed to take away doubts like that? He took Juice for a guy needing a lot of affirmation, who had to be reassured in everything he did. How long was he a member? Prospecting periods were meant to overcome a performance anxiety like that...

"I think it's impressive," he said sincerely. "It requires persistence. Not letting the... fight in your head stop you – not giving up your dreams. Trying to make the best of it. Calls for a lot of willpower."

A pink tinge spread across the guy's cheeks, eliciting a smirk from Raine's lips. Although he estimated him to be in his late twenties, there was something... boyish about him. He wondered how that would show itself in other circumstances, when he felt comfortable and wasn't stuck in an elevator with a guy from another MC. The Mohawk and head tats made him look like a funny guy. 

"Thanks," Juice said quietly. He turned a little more towards Raine, his gaze wandering over his face. "How long ago did you patch in? I can't remember seeing you before."

"Six years ago. I was patched into the Santo Padre charter, but when my sister got sick I transferred to Oakland."

Juice nodded slowly. "Sounds tough. Starting all over. I barely know the guys from the other charters."

"Well I grew up in Oakland. Esai's my best friend since... since we were kids. That helped a lot. Was a hang-around when I was younger. But my uncle is with Santo Padre and when they started looking for a prospect, I moved to the South."

He had to admit that he missed it. In Santo Padre he had a lot more responsibilities and he had been close with the guys. Here he could always count on Esai, but since his family took most of his time, he hadn't really found his place within the crew yet. They often gave him the simplest tasks – which was fine for now, but he found it hard to picture his future around here.

"You grew up in Charming?"

Juice shook his head. "On the East Coast, Queens. Left when I was twenty, pissed off the wrong people. Wandered across the country for some time, until I met the Sons. I patched in four years ago."

He sounded proud. Before Raine could ask another question, Juice's phone went off. He had already noticed the man hadn't reached out to anyone; he himself had called his youngest sister a couple of times, to ask if their situation was about to change anytime soon.

"Juicy! Don't tell me you're stuck in that elevator, huh?" a merry voice came through the speaker. The girl talked so loud Raine could effortlessly listen in. "Tutoring was postponed for an hour, thought I could say hi to Chibbies and he told me you never showed up."

"Hey Mouse. Eh yeah – I'm in that elevator. Think we're stuck in here for what, three hours? Gotta piss man. Anyway, I was hoping nobody would find out. Guess I gotta listen to those elevator jokes now for the rest of my life."

A smile spread across his lips and his eyes seemed more vibrant than a few minutes ago. When Juice's eyes shot to the side, Raine turned his head away reflexively; he didn't want to create the impression that he was listening. Although there wasn't much else he could do.

"No way!" the girl called out. "You alone?"

"No – with someone else."

She laughed briefly. "Hot girl?"

Raine had taken the girl for Juice's girl, but he let go of the idea now. 

"No. A guy."

"Hot guy then?"

"A super-hot guy," he answered sarcastically, rolling his eyes. "But no dating material for you, Mouse."

"No? You wanna keep him all to yourself?" She started to laugh. "You know, strange things can happen in situations like that, Juicy. There's nothing wrong with experimenting a bit to kill time."

"Fuck off." His eyes shot to Raine. When he raised his eyebrows questioningly, Juice's cheeks flushed. Quickly, he turned down the volume of the device so Raine could no longer hear them. Smirking, he pulled his own phone out of his pocket, swiping the pictures until Juice ended the call. 

"So... we're not going to experiment?" he asked with a teasing grin. 

The man looked at him with wide eyes. "W-what? You – you'd want that?"

He chuckled softly. He was not homophobic, but it wasn't something that had ever occurred to him. However, the other man's awkwardness was amusing, and teasingly he asked: "Would you want it?"

For a couple seconds the Son stared at him. "No man," he said. "I'm not... I'm not gay."

"Well... you can't be completely sure of that without tryin' some things, huh?" He winked. "We would write history. A Son making out with a Mayan."

The other stared so disconcerted at him he shook his head, grinning. "I'm kiddin' man. You seem like a nice guy, but that goes a bit too far."

Juice took a deep breathe. "Okay, good," he said, his voice a little steadier. "You know – it would be a shame if we lasted this long together and I gotta shoot you, because you can't keep your hands to yourself."

His words made them both chuckle. "Oh yeah – I can already imagine how you're going to explain that to my brothers to prevent a gang war. Sounds like an interesting conversation."

Juice flashed him a grin. "You better not do that to me."

Raine smirked back. "Can't promise anything, baby."


	4. Spark

Juice couldn't remember if there had ever been someone he could talk so easily to – other than Mouse. Once the ice was broken and the threat had faded, they talked about everything. Really everything: family, favorite shows, superheroes, bikes and fat cars, music, embarrassing moments. The only subject they avoided were club matters, and they made no attempt to get information from each other. It felt like they opted to believe that their MC's just existed of Harley lovers, with no illegal activities taking place.

Raine's voice was a bit deeper than his own and when he laughed, he lifted the right corner of his mouth slightly higher than the other. It was strange, the observations one made when they were alone with someone they didn't know. Sure – at first sight he had seen the diamond in his ear, the two shaved lines halfway down the right side of his head, his two-days beard, the hairs above his lip that were just a little longer. But he had also noticed how Raine slightly squeezed his eyes when he was thinking, how he twisted the silver skull ring around his left thumb when he talked about his sister, and how one canine left a dimple in his lip when he was listening with attention. Every now and then, a few Spanish words slipped past his lips; Juice discovered that chido meant something like cool, and he used no manches! to express his surprise or disbelief.

They had both grown up in the US; Juice's mom was Puerto Rican while Raine's was Mexican. Although his own mother had never bothered to teach her children Spanish, Raine was raised bilingual.

"You ever been to Puerto Rico?" Raine asked.

Juice shook his head. "No. My ma broke with her family. Never met my grandparents, not one of them." He pulled at a cracked cuticle. Damn – he sounded really pathetic.

"You never considered to just go there and find 'em?"

Juice shrugged. He had never really considered it. He couldn't even maintain a normal relationship with his mother and sister; he dreaded to imagine how he would mess up with family he hadn’t even met. "I dunno," he muttered. "I don't think I'll find what I'm lookin' for. When I was a kid I had those... fantasies about my family. Think I rather remember 'em like that instead of being disappointed by the truth. It's like some sort of... imaginary family." He lifted the corner of his mouth. "It's less sad than it sounds. I found my family in Charming."

Raine nodded in understanding. Only a biker understood the importance of a family like that, and how it could really take the place of a family by blood.

"What about you? You often see your family from Mexico?"

"Until Mom died, we visited them a few times a year, and every now and then they came to us. My Dad... he finds it hard to face 'em. My aunt looks a lot like her sister. I saw 'em three years ago with Rosa and Sammy; it's the last time I saw them. They don't have a lot of money. They try to save some so they can visit Rosa, but it's difficult."

It was silent for a while. Juice could easily follow his train of thoughts; he wondered if they would manage to get the money before the girl died. Juice tried to come up with some comforting words, or a soothing gesture. If Raine had been a girl, he might have laid his hand upon hers; he barely needed to move his fingers for that anyway, but he didn't dare to do it thinking it was probably weird. If the guy had been a Son, he might have pulled him into a brotherly hug, but he wasn't; even though he felt like the Mayan knew more about him than most Sons.

It seemed like the elevator came to the same conclusion; deciding they had gotten close enough, it suddenly started to move again. With a shared cheer, they jumped up. Raine swung his arm around Juice's shoulder, flashing him a wide grin.

It felt like something pushed out all of the oxygen from Juice’s lungs. The arm felt heavy around his shoulders. He almost wished the elevator would jolt and stop again, because he knew he would have to walk through the doors within a few seconds, and he would probably never speak to him again.

And there it was – that horrifying ping.

The elevator stilled, the doors sliding open.

Taking a deep breath, Juice looked at Raine. Searching for words, without finding the smallest tone. It felt like there was something stuck in his throat as they looked at each other. His eyes, brown like coffee beans. He thought of the Rubik's Cube which the man had given him, and he reached into the inside pocket of his kutte.

"Thanks," he said, holding out the toy to Raine.

Their fingers brushed slightly as Raine took it from him. Juice had no idea what happened, but a paralyzing feeling traveled through his arm, and his heart seemed to falter for a second.

His eyes shot to Raine's, wondering if he had felt that too. When there was no evidence of that, he suddenly felt intensely heated. Time to leave...

"Uh... Well, uh, I gotta go..." he muttered, nervously running a hand across his Mohawk.

It felt like Raine was startled out of his thoughts, as his head shot up. "Yeah..."

An awkward silence. A horribly awkward silence.

If Raine hadn't been wearing a kutte, Juice would have asked him if he felt like hanging out some day. However, he couldn't ask him now, and it was harder than he had imagined. He took a deep breath.

"Good luck with your sister," Juice said softly. Something stirred inside him; he wanted to hug the man – just as a way of goodbye.

"Yeah, thanks. Hope your brother feels better soon." He held out his hand. "Could’ve been stuck with worse people," he grinned.

Juice was reluctant to shake his hand, since he had felt that weird jolt just a minute ago. He however, couldn't leave him standing there like that, so he briefly shook his hand. For some reason, his heart was slamming in his chest.

Raine pressed the button when the doors started to close. Juice nodded at him, turned around and left the elevator. His shoulders slumping down when he heard another ping.

Don't be a baby. It's not like you don't have any other friends.

But he knew that whatever had been there between them differed from his other friendships. There had been an openness he only experienced with Mouse – and Mouse was his best friend. This felt like he was walking away from another best friend – one who was able to understand him even better than Mouse, since he knew the club life inside out.

* * *

"Juice... Juice!"

A cushion hit his head, tearing him out of his thoughts. "Mouse," he said annoyed when the cushion ended up on his plate with macaroni. "Ugh, those stains are awful."

"Toothpaste works wonders. Really," she stressed, as he rolled his eyes.

That was typically Skye; coming up with all kind of weird tricks which actually worked. As if she knew Google by heart.

"What is it?"

"That's what I was asking you. I've never watched an episode of Big Bang with you, without hearing you chuckle. Where's your head at? Even calling your name three times couldn't snap you out of your thoughts."

He shrugged his shoulders, shoving his food around on his plate. He wasn't hungry. "I just don't feel well. Had nothing to drink for almost six hours, I think that's why."

He kept his glance aimed at his plate. He had no idea where his appetite had gone. ; He was too consumed by his thoughts; shreds of the conversations with Raine kept echoing in his head. He had been grumpy all day; he didn’t even stay long with Chibs.

"What did you guys do during those six hours?" Skye asked. Even without looking up, he could picture her smirk. "Explore your gay side, like I advised you?"

Annoyed, he looked up.

"Wow, chill out dude." She raised her hands in surrender. "I was just joking man. What the fuck is wrong with you today? Were those few hours in the elevator that horrible? You haven't said a word about it."

Sighing, he ran a hand across his Mohawk. He didn't even know what was holding him back. This was Mouse. He used to tell her everything.

"He was a Mayan."

Her eyes went wide, the plate filled with macaroni almost slipped off her lap. "What? Holy shit dude. Did he hurt you? Threaten you?"

"No. He was... cool. At first it was fucking awkward and he was holding off any conversation. But then I was having a panic attack and he... he helped me through it. He gave me a Rubik's Cube."

She clapped her hands. "That is so fucking cute! Introduce me to him, I need to date that guy!"

"Because he gave me a Rubik's Cube?" he asked, his eyebrows raised.

"Exactly! That's so thoughtful and attentive! Attentive bikers are a rarity." She showed him a wide grin. "Or was he some old grampy?"

"No, he's just a little older than me."

"Was he hot?"

"Jeez – how would I know?"

"What do you mean, how would I know? You got eyes, don't you? And you had plenty of time to look at him."

"I don't know what you consider to be attractive."

"Oh c'mon dude, you know that damn well. I always tell you how I grade guys."

"I guess you would've liked him. But you're not going to date a Mayan, Mouse."

"That was never our deal. No Sons – we never talked about other clubs."

"Well, we've talked about it now." Rolling his eyes, he focused his attention on the TV.

"Okay sorry, I'm teasin' you," Skye said, as she realized something was really bothering him. "What is it, baby?" She slid towards him, pulled his plate off his lap and took his hands in hers, like she always did when she wanted to turn all her attention to him. "Just tell me what's on your mind."

Juice bent his head and stared at their laced fingers. "Well... We've talked for hours, also about serious shit. There was just this click..." He sighed. "It's just... If we hadn't been in different MC's, I think we would have hung out. We could have become friends. Good friends you know, like you and me. It kinda felt like that time I met you, I just knew we would become close. He gave me that same feeling. And I just... don't experience that a lot. You're the only one I dare to be myself around, you know, to show the real me and not just the tough and sometimes funny biker Juice, and I had this feeling I could be myself around him too."

"Hmm..." Mouse crossed her legs underneath her. "Yeah... that sucks. Sacrificing a potential close friend for the club. And it really wouldn't work, huh?"

"Don't think so," he muttered. "Because of our clubs, our priorities will always differ." He studied his fingernails. "I dunno. It's just the thought that I might never talk to him again, that's leaving me with a pit in my stomach."

"That feeling will fade. You’ll feel disappointed now, but within a few days you won't even think about that guy anymore." Skye dropped her head against his shoulder. Juice gave her a slight smile, kissing her temple. "And if I'm wrong and you still prohibit me from dating him... well then you should date him yourself."

Juice felt his cheeks flush, as he thought back to that strange feeling he felt, right before he left the elevator. No – it made no fucking sense. He wasn't interested in guys, he never had been. It had just been a sudden longing for a close friendship, nothing more and nothing less. "You're a horrible matchmaker."

"I'm not! You're just boring, never tryin' something new." She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively. "A life without risks is boring, Hun."

"My whole life is one big risk," he grunted, slumping down on the couch. "Especially when I live with you. Come on, go clean that cushion."

With a grin she got up, snatching the cushion away from his feet and headed for the kitchen. Juice glanced at his food one more time, but he still wasn't hungry. Instead, he stared at the TV screen, seeing nothing.

It didn't take long before Raine slipped into his thoughts again, making him wonder if he would ever see the guy again – and under what circumstances it would be.


	5. Soul Mates

From behind, Skye wrapped her arms around his neck, kissing the ink on the right of his head. Finally, his fingers let go of the Rubik's Cube. He looked over his shoulder.

"Are you nervous?"

He shrugged, avoiding her gaze.

Obviously a 'yes'.

"You think he'll be there?"

Almost two months had passed since he’d been stuck in the elevator. Somehow, the meeting with Raine had changed him; he was quieter, often lost in thought. After a few days, he'd bought a Rubik's Cube. Whether it was meant to help him handle his stress, or whether it was a silent memento of a lost friend, was hard to tell.

"Dunno. The Mayans will be there, but maybe he's with his sister..."

Skye nodded. Every time she had a performance in the hospital, she stopped by at Oncology to see if there was a guy with a kutte around, but so far she had been disappointed. She really wanted to meet him; she was very curious to the type of guy who had such a huge influence on her best friend.

"I hope he won't be around," Juice muttered. "I'm sure it will be fucking awkward if he is."

"It won't." She squeezed his shoulders. "I'm with you, remember? Awkwardness is impossible around me. Come on, let's go!"

Sighing, Juice got up. His fingers stroked the colored cube before slipping his hands into his pockets

* * *

At events like this, Skye never knew where to look. Bikes – as far as the eye could see. She loved to watch them, it always reminded her of her wish to get her license too. One day. If she ever had the money.

It always filled her with joy, seeing how all clubs shoved their rivalry to the side on days like these. She loved to go to fundraisers. This one was organized by an organisation standing up for disabled bikers; whether they were born with a handicap or had been in an accident. Because of the danger all bikers were familiar with, it was something that bound them.

Happily, she hooked her arm with Juice's while they followed the other Sons to the terrain. It didn't take long before they found the members of the other charters. Juice greeted some people he knew and Skye did the same. Once she'd said hi to everyone whose face looked familiar, she dropped down in the grass. After putting on her sunglasses, she rubbed sunscreen over her arms and face.

She stashed the bottle back in her purse and looked around. Close to them, sat a group of Mayans. She peeked to the side, smiling when she saw that they had attracted Juice's attention as well. She let him be for a moment, his breathing showed her how tense he felt.

Curiously she watched the Mayans. Most of them were a little older than them. One at the side caught her eye, since he was blowing bubbles. A little girl stood next to him, dancing and jumping while trying to catch the bubbles.

It was probably the cutest thing she had ever seen, a bubble blowing biker. When his eyes fluttered into their direction, she smiled. He didn't seem to see it, he looked just past her.

Her eyes shot to Juice, who had bent his head down. His cheeks were flushing.

Occasionally, Skye had wondered if her friend had a little crush on the Mayan. It would explain why it was so hard for him to forget about the guy. Still, she’d brushed it off – as far as she knew, Juice had never had feelings for someone of the same sex. This time she wasn't making assumptions either; she knew how socially awkward her friend could be, whether it was around guys or girls.

She leaned into him. "It's the one with the bubbles, right?"

His head snapped up.

She chuckled at the sight of his wide eyes.

"How did you know?"

"I saw him looking at you."

"Y-you did?" Juice stammered. His eyes shot back to the group of men.

She laughed quietly. Whether he was in love or had a desperate wish to become friends – it was cute either way.

"Is that his kid?" she asked curiously.

Juice shook his head, softly answering: "No, she's his niece. The daughter of his sick sister."

"Go talk to him," she encouraged him.

"Wouldn't that be stupid?" he muttered. "It's been two months since we talked. I wouldn't know what to say to him." His head was bowed down, his thumb tracing the ink lines on his left arm. "Maybe I was the only one feeling that click. Maybe I'm the only one who wants to be friends."

"Sweetie, you're the best friend anyone can wish for. Of course he wants to be friends with you."

He sighed. "But I can't just walk over to him. I'm sure I will make a fool of myself."

Knowing Juice when he was nervous... yeah, he was probably right.

"Shall I ask him out?" she mused. "He looks like a great guy. I’ll take him home for a drink afterwards. You'd have an excuse to see each other without your brothers getting suspicious."

Juice looked nervously at her. "Won't that be stupid?" he muttered.

"Doing nothing is stupid, Juice."

"Then what are you going to do? Just head over to him and ask him out?"

"Why not? He's surrounded by his friends, you really think he dares to turn down a hot chick like me?"

He chuckled softly. Skye was happy to see him smile again.

Her glance slid back to Raine. He was taking a bag of chips from a girl, who sat down next to him. "Hey, that's Sammy," she said in surprise.

Juice looked up. "You know his sister?"

"Yeah, she helps me with the puppet show every now and then."

One day, Skye found her upset and in tears in the hallway because of her sister's disease. To distract her, she had asked the girl if she'd like to help her with the performance. She had even filled in for her partner one time.

"This is perfect! I'm going to say hi to her, hang out with them and then you can join me a little later. None of your friends will think that's weird. They all know how protective you are of me."

She patted his knee, got up and walked to the group of Mayans.

"Hey Sam! How nice to see you here!" She flopped down next to the girl.

"Oh hi! Umm... this is my brother, Raine."

With a smirk that was a little too obvious, Skye looked at the biker while shaking his hand. His arms were muscular, the tattoos on them gleaming. There was a calculating look in Raine's eyes; he must have seen her sitting next to Juice.

"Hey," she said. "Nice to meet you. Actually, I wanted to ask you out."

Okay, plan B was set in motion. In case Juice was too chicken to join her. Which he most probably was.

* * *

Raine looked a little bewildered at the girl. Well... That one had a sharp tongue. She looked a little too eccentric for his taste, but she seemed nice.

"Why's that?" he asked, lifting the corner of his mouth. He had seen her sitting next to Juice and was curious to see if she would mention him.

"You're hot," she winked. "Juice told me how you helped him with the Rubik's Cube. That thing is his new hobby now so I thought: maybe you can get me a new hobby too."

He smirked. She was funny. "Hell, why not?"

His eyes wandered to the Son – which wasn't the first time today. Their encounter never completely let go of him; every time he stepped into an elevator, his mind wandered back to the biker. It might be nice to talk to him again and a place like this was suitable for it. However, not as long as he kept sitting with his brothers.

"Awesome!" she replied, her eyes beaming with enthusiasm. She handed him her phone. "Just put your number in it!"

He chuckled because of her determination, leaving his number in it. He was actually curious about this friend of Juice.

"How's he doing?" he asked. "No more panic attacks?"

"Not that I know of! Your Rubik's Cube works wonders."

"It always helps me too!" Sammy said.

The two engaged in a conversation from which his attention slowly drifted away. He turned a little more towards his brothers. It was cool to be around the guys of Santo Padre again. He didn't feel the need to participate in their conversation, but he liked listening to their voices.

After a while, his eyes were drawn to the Son again. He didn't know why, but for some reason the guy looked a little bit lost, as if he wasn't at the place where he wanted to be. When Juice got up and lined up for a food court, Raine decided that it was neutral ground.

"I'm going to get a hotdog," he told his sister. "You keep an eye on Sasha?"

She nodded and he stood up.

* * *

Juice didn't like the fact that Mouse had gone to Raine. What the hell would he think of him now? She had quite a striking appearance. If Raine had really looked at him, he would know she was there with him. What would they talk about? Would she tell him her roommate had talked about him? The thought of it made his hands clammy and he wiped them on his jeans.

"Hey," a voice sounded behind him.

Juice felt like he couldn't breathe. It was him. He would recognize that voice everywhere. But was he talking to him? Or to someone else? He didn't dare to turn around, instead he stared forward, pretending he hadn't heard him.

The nudge against his shoulder was so unexpected it almost made him fall. He snapped his head to the side and was met by Raine's grin.

"You daydreaming about that chick behind the counter?"

Juice felt his ears glow. Shit – it was really hot today. He manned up, answering: "Yeah, thanks for ending that dream, man." He rolled his eyes playfully, but smirked slightly to let him know he was joking.

Juice noticed that his palms felt even clammier than before, and his heart was racing in his chest. At first he didn't understand where that sudden stress was coming from, but he quickly realized it was better if no one saw them together. He looked around nervously.

"Relax," Raine said. "This day we celebrate the brotherhood, right?" He wrapped an arm around his shoulders. "We're just settin' a good example. If someone asks how we know each other, we just tell 'em we're high school homies who haven't seen each other in ten years. As long as they think we see each other sporadically, they won't care."

Juice breathed in sharply since they were standing so close. Suddenly he started to feel a bit nauseous. He hated his nervousness – he didn't even know where it was coming from, why he was so afraid of what his brothers would think of him. Raine's excuse would work.

"You're gonna join the races?" Raine asked, taking his arm away. His hands slipped into his pockets.

Juice shook his head. "No, motor races aren't really my thing."

"Mine neither. Two of my friends like it though; think it's their turn in about half an hour. You wanna watch the race with me?"

Juice swallowed. An unknown feeling streamed through his veins; overwhelming but pleasant. The fact that they were talking right now, did that mean Raine had felt that click too? Did he also long for a friendship? For the first time in days his lips, remembered how to form a genuine smile. "Yeah, cool."

He took a few steps forward since a gap had formed in the queue in front of them. Raine walked with him. Once they stood still, their elbows touched and there was that jolt-like sensation again. Raine jerked his arm back in response. Juice's eyes flashed to the side, and he almost forgot how to breathe when the Mayan caught his gaze. Immediately Raine's eyes shot into another direction, as if he neither knew what the hell that was.

Confused, Juice looked down. He felt so awkward that he didn't know what to say. When Raine remained silent, he wondered if he felt the same.

Silently, they shuffled towards the front of the line. Juice bit his lip, looking for something to say. One more minute and he would have his hotdog – then what? Should he wait for him or walk away? Did Raine still want to watch the races with him? Or did he think Juice was behaving like an idiot; hadn't he felt that strange sensation at all?

Cautiously he peeked to the side. Raine was staring forward. His frown told Juice that he was deep in thought. Juice wondered what he was thinking about, but he didn't dare to ask.

It was his turn to buy food.

He cleared his throat. "Uh – you want something too?"

Raine shook his head slightly, as if he was trying to shake off his thoughts. "Hmm?"

"Umm... It's my turn. So umm.... you want to eat something too?" he floundered.

A brief grin crossed Raine's face. "Well I'm not in line because it's so much fun, so yeah I plan to buy some food."

Juice felt his cheeks heat up. Awkwardly, he toyed with the chain on his pants. "Yeah, I get that." It obviously wasn't like he’d joined the line just to talk to him, it had just been a coincidence. He suddenly felt fucking stupid. "Ummm, what do you want, I mean. I mean – obviously a hotdog, but with sauce? And you want something to drink?"

"Oh, that's what you meant..." He ran a hand across his head, smiling like Juice used to do when he didn't feel comfortable. "Nah I'll pay for myself."

"I don't mind," Juice said softly. "Just tell me what you want."

Their eyes met. From his chest, a paralyzing feeling was spreading through his stomach and arms. He didn't know why, but he just couldn't look away. It felt like he could see so many things in his eyes; things he was longing for, things he needed... without knowing what kind of things they were.

In the end, it was Raine who tore his glance away, watching the price list. Juice thought to see a pink tinge on his cheeks, but he wasn't sure. Somehow the thought that he wasn't the only one feeling... overwhelmed, comforted him. Was this what they called the soulmates experience? He'd never thought about that concept before, but he didn't know how else to explain his weird feelings.

"I'll go for a hotdog with mayo and a can of orange," Raine pulled him out of his thoughts.

Juice nodded, turned his attention to the sales girl and summed up the order. A few seconds later they left the line, food in their hands and looking around a little awkwardly.

"Wanna sit there?" Raine nodded to a few large picnic tables. People with various kuttes were sitting at them, they wouldn't stand out.

"Yeah, sure."

They sat down next to some other people, with enough space between them to sit apart. Raine was sitting across from him.

When he noticed that nobody was staring at them, Juice felt a little more relaxed and he started to eat the hotdog.

"Oh, I should thank you," Raine started after a while. There was a hint of amusement in his eyes. "I guess you got me a date."

"You mean with Mouse?"

"Mouse? I thought she said her name was Skye."

"Yeah, Skye. I dunno, I always call her Mouse."

"Because she's so small?"

He shrugged his shoulder. He realized he didn't even know why.

"Anyway. I'm not stealing a chick you like now, right?"

Juice shook his head. "No man, Mouse and I had our time."

"Hmm..." He smirked. "Good."

Juice didn't know why, but the look in Raine's eyes made him feel a little shy, and he quickly turned his attention to his food. He hoped Raine wasn't expecting something big of the date. It would be quite a downer if he would fall in love with Skye, only to find out that she was dating him because Juice wanted to be friends with him...


	6. Confusing Desires

Now that they were sitting in plain sight, Juice felt the nerves return. As Raine caught his skittish glance, he raised his eyebrows questioningly. Juice leaned over the table, as if others would catch his words otherwise.

"It's just... I'm from Queens, my whole club knows that. Your uncle is a Mayan, you grew up with Alvarez' son.... They know you're not from the east coast."

He shrugged his shoulders. "I've been part of an exchange project in high school, for two months. I'm sure nobody remembers where exactly that was. Just relax."

Juice felt the heat gather in his cheeks, he was really looking like a coward. He just didn't like to lie to his brothers, but if Raine didn't want to admit that they'd just met, it meant he also believed there was a future for their growing friendship, right? Something warm nestled inside his stomach, making his lips curl up again.

"Your friend said you bought a Rubik's Cube yourself, too. I'm happy it's so helpful."

Juice fought against the urge to glance down. If he was completely honest, he wasn't sure what was really calming him down when he felt restless; the puzzle itself or the memory of the Mayan. He took a bite of his hotdog, wiping away a bit of sauce from his bottom lip. Frantically he looked for a change of subject; one that had nothing to do with his panic attacks.

Earlier today an idea had crossed his mind, but part of him was afraid that Raine had already looked at all possibilities; making him look like an idiot for suggesting something so obvious. The silence, however, threatened to suffocate him as well, so after swallowing another bite he said: "I was thinking... You ever considered to organize a fundraiser? I mean – as a club? To support the family members of terminally ill patients who live abroad? I'm sure your sister isn't the only one with family in another country. That way you can raise money for your family, and give your sister the chance to say goodbye to them. I mean – if that's something she would want." He worried his lip, but he pulled through: "I'm not sure if I can be around, but I wouldn't mind to help behind the scenes. For example, Mouse's doing puppet shows; little kids love it. And Oakland is big; I'm sure it will attract a lot of people."

Something about the look in Raine's eyes, made his heart skip a beat and his breathing falter. Something fluttered in his stomach; something he wanted to beat to death because it made his cheeks flush.

"That's an amazing idea! I dunno – I never gave it much thought. Of course my sister is worth it, but I dunno... I never felt like other people would be willing to pay for the tickets. But if we organize something on a bigger scale, just turning it into some cool event... Dude, that's an amazing idea!"

His enthusiasm fueled Juice's enthusiasm as well, and before they knew it, they were brainstorming about possible activities. Juice was so immersed in the conversation, that for a moment he forget where he was. He almost jumped when a Mayan flopped down on the bench next to Raine, wrapping an arm around the man's shoulders, and looking curiously back and forth between Raine and him.

"Are the guys of our founding charter so boring you're cozyin' up to the Sons?" The brown haired man smirked at Juice, although there was no threatening glance in his eyes. His kutte told Juice that he was a member of the Santo Padre charter. Juice estimated him a few years older than them; in his early 30's.

"Hard to find a new homie, Ang," Raine answered lightly. "Already know everything about Esai; I hoped to find my meal outside the door this time."

His eyes shot to Juice, a smirk playing around his lips.

Juice felt flaming hot. Raine made it sound like he was some kind of exotic snack. He had no idea where to look or what to say.

The Mayan started to laugh. "Well, doesn't sound like there's a lot comin' out of that mouth."

"Still waters run deep, huh?"

The other prattled something in Spanish, making Raine laugh harder, giving his brother the finger.

"This is Juice," Raine introduced him. "Haven't seen the guy in years. Got to know him back in high school when I was part of some exchange program. He's cool, although he's wearing the wrong kutte." He gave Juice a playful wink, giving Juice the feeling his heart could jump out of his chest at any moment. Man, what the hell was wrong with him today?! He felt so... self-conscious... even more than he usually did.

"I'm Angel," the other man said, holding out his hand. Juice shook it.

Raine aimed his attention to his friend. "So... You're here to disrupt my new bromance, you little jealous bitch?"

Smirking, the Mayan shrugged his shoulders. "I was curious. You never leave Sasha alone this long, especially not when Esai is showing her around."

"Esai? I asked Sammy to keep an eye on her."

"C'mon... Like she ever says no to Esai."

Sighing, Raine got on his feet. "Where are they?"

"Where do you think? There's a water fight goin' on by the lake. All those chicks with soaking wet clothes... where else would he be?"

Angel stood up as well, fishing a cigarette out of a pack and nodding to them, before he turned around and sat down next to a girl that had apparently attracted his attention.

Juice got up too and increased his pace, so he could walk next to Raine. "You don't trust your best friend with your niece?"

"Somehow Esai's a chick magnet when he's walkin' around with a little kid. Which he knows all too well. Last week he promised to look after her for a few hours; later I found out that he'd hooked up with some girl, banging her in his room, while he left Sasha alone with the TV for two hours. She was watching something that was way too scary for her; she still has nightmares. So if he sees another hot chick... he'll only think with his dick, not paying attention to Sas at all."

Walking through the crowd, they headed over to the lake where mainly children were running around, squirting each other with super soaker water pistols and throwing buckets of water. Juice's eyes glided across the screeching little ones to find Sasha. Suddenly, he got a bucket of water thrown over him.

Cursing, he turned around. Mouse stood there, and a moment later Sammy showed up next to her, treating her brother to the same amount of water. Squealing, the girls ran away.

"Oh, just you wait!" Raine laughed, wiping the water from his face. He looked around, and his shoulders relaxed. "Ah, Sas is with my uncle." He nodded to the side. A few Mayans were sitting on the side, a man with black shoulder-length hair was playing with the girl. "So how about throwing those girls into the lake?"

There was a boyish spark in Raine's eyes, causing a wide grin on Juice's face. For a moment it felt like there was no club at all, like they were just a bunch of big lugs who wanted to get back at their little sisters.

They found the two girls at the edge of the lake. As Mouse was bending over to fill a bucket, Juice grabbed her, simply swung her over his shoulder and ran away to a place where the water looked deeper. He smirked at Raine who was following him, his little sister screeching and struggling in his arms. On three, they threw the girls into the lake, laughing as they went under.

After the two recovered from the shock, they shrugged their shoulders and decided to swim to the other side of the lake.

"Well, seems like they've found each other too." Juice bit the inside of his cheek when he heard his own words. Too. He felt the heat creep to his face and didn't dare to look at Raine anymore.

Raine chuckled. "What a broken elevator is good for. Although I'm soaking wet now." He tugged at his wet shirt and pulled it over his head.

Juice sucked in his breath as more and more of Raine's body was revealed. Especially now that he had raised his arms to take off his shirt and was showing off his abs. Damn – that guy really had the body of a god, like it was sculpted in marble; all perfect lines. He even had V-lines disappearing into his jeans.

"Holy fuck," he stammered, breaking out in sweat as he stared at the body he wished he had himself – and for which he was absolutely working out.

When he heard his own words, it felt like he had run into a wall. He had only _thought _those words, right? He hadn't said them out loud, right?!

"Yeah, it's a pretty one, huh?" Raine had pressed his shirt together, wringing it out. Water was leaking down. When most of the water had left the piece of cloth, he laid it over his right shoulder. With his fingers, he stroked across the tattoo starting on his left shoulder, spreading over his chest. It was an enormous octopus, of which the tentacles circled down the left side of his chest. "I got it a few weeks ago. It's my own design."

_He thinks I was admiring his tattoo. Thank god he thinks I was admiring his tattoo._

His breathing was burning in his throat; only after a few moments, he realized he was watching breathlessly how Raine's fingertips were tracing the new ink, and how badly he wanted to trace the lines himself.

He swallowed.

Not only his eyes were impressed; to his bewilderment, he noticed how the blood around his waist was also on the move and that his pants were becoming incredibly tight.

_No way. No fucking way that a guy is turning me on!_

"You're a real artist," he managed to say; doing everything in his power to divert his thoughts away from what the hell was going on in his pants.

"Thanks. Before my mom got sick, I was trying to become a tattoo artist. However, afterwards there were bills I had to pay and dad told me to get a 'real job'." Raine sat down in the grass, spreading his shirt out on the grass to dry and leaned back.

Juice wished he wouldn't, because he was emphasizing his abs now. He sat down next to his new friend. His shirt was sticking to his skin and after a short hesitation, he pulled the thing over his head to leave it to dry. Up until today, he had never worried about his body; although he might be not as good looking as Raine, he knew he didn't look bad.

Raine lifted the corner of his mouth as he looked at the two grinning skulls on Juice's chest, _son_ and _shine _written underneath them. "Those are cool, too."

"Thanks. Well – I think it's too bad you never proceeded with it," he muttered. "Looks like you're really talented."

"Maybe I'll get back into it soon. I miss it."

"Well maybe I'll go for some new ink then," Juice blurted out. The idea that Raine's fingers would brush over his skin, leaving a piece of beauty on his body that would never go away... Suddenly, he felt like he was on fire, and all he wanted right now was to jump into the water. He couldn't even hear Raine's answer. Blood was ringing in his ears, his heart hammering in his chest.

Suddenly he was close to tears. He didn't understand his feelings; his sudden desires terrified him. Grabbing his shirt from the ground, he got up.

"I'm going back," he said shortly.

He turned around, but before he could rush away, Raine jumped up too. His fingers locked themselves around his wrist and he pulled Juice towards him. Their bodies were almost touching, the heat radiating from Raine hitting his skin, the bulge in his pants so close to Raine's waist that he stepped back. His hands were itching; he wanted to slide them across that perfect body, he wanted... His own thoughts made him feel sick._ Stop it!! Stop this bullshit!!_

"What's wrong Juice?"

"I don't know!" he yelled. "I don't fucking know!!" He yanked away his arm, tears jumping in his eyes. "I can't do this. You're a fucking Mayan! Why the fuck are you hanging out with me? You think you can turn me into a rat?!"

Sure – Juice knew damn well that his accusations had nothing to do with the fight inside him. He however, couldn't tell him that he wanted to claim every inch of that perfect body with his lips; that he wanted to hear him sigh because of his touches; that he wanted to shake in pleasure at the touch of Raine's lips across his neck.

"W-what?" Raine stared at him, completely overwhelmed. Defeated, he lowered his arm.

Juice spun around; he was afraid that he would start to cry if he looked him in the eye a second longer. Without looking over his shoulder, he rushed towards his bike. Mouse would find a way to get home. He just needed to leave this place. He needed to get his thoughts straight, before he was really standing here crying like an angsty teenager.


	7. Love At First Sight

Lost in thoughts, Raine stared at the grass between his feet. Despite the sun burning on his shirtless upper body, he felt cold. Somewhere in the background he heard the laughter and splashing of kids in the water, but it felt like there was a thick transparent wall between him and all the others. As if he was trapped in a small room, alone, while Juice's words were bouncing off the walls.

_“You think you can turn me into a rat?"_

Where the hell did that come from? They hadn't talked about club matters at all. After Juice had told him he was considering to get a new tattoo, Raine had told him about the last thing he had tattooed himself; the infinity symbol that was not only on the inside of his own wrist, but also on that of his sisters. It was a sensitive issue. Although it symbolized the infinity of their family bond, their mutual love, Rosa's short life expectancy had been the reason they had gotten this tattoo. It was a tribute to her, to each other.

He had exposed a part of himself to Juice, and it had been a slap in the face when the Son had jumped up all of a sudden, more or less snapping at him that their whole friendship made no sense.

Raine didn't know why it affected him so much. Usually he would’ve grunted that the other was an asshole, and then he wouldn't waste another word or thought on that person, but now it felt like he was stuck in cement. He couldn't even find the strength to get up, and nor was he in the mood to talk to someone.

He felt hurt – and completely overwhelmed. Again and again, he replayed his words in his head to see if he had accidentally said something that might’ve upset Juice, but he really didn't understand his response.

Heaving a deep sigh, he looked at the spot where the man had sat a while ago. The grass was still flattened with his imprint. The thought that he might never speak to Juice again, hung around his neck like a chain made of steel. He had enjoyed himself the past hour. Somehow Juice drifted his thoughts away from his sick sister. It weren't his words that distracted him the whole time... somehow his presence was just nice and calming. Even when Juice himself didn't feel calm at all.

Did he still fear the response of his brothers? Raine had believed he had gotten over it after Angel sat with them. His friend had acted normal – and he hadn't expected anything less. It wasn't like no one around here spoke to members of another club – and nobody would check their background story, and see if they really knew each other because of some high school exchange program.

A shadow fell over him and a moment later, someone dropped down next to him. For a moment his heartbeat sped up, as he hoped it was Juice who came back to apologize. It wasn't him, however. It was his friend, the purple-haired girl.

"Where did you leave Juice?" He heard the surprise in her voice.

It did him good, knowing that he wasn't the only one who hadn't seen this coming. He twisted the ring around his thumb, shrugged his shoulders and stared at the lake. "You tell me. He stormed off."

"What? Why?"

"I have no idea."

He cocked his head to the side. Skye bit her lip, studying his face. "What were you talking about?"

"That I wanted to become a tattoo artist until my mom got sick. We talked about our tattoos and I told him about the one I gave myself and my sisters. And suddenly he jumped up and snapped that I was trying to turn him into a rat." He sighed. "It really makes no sense. I thought that we kinda... respected each other by not asking questions about club shit. I don't get it – was it because I was talking about my sisters? About our strong bond?" Something started to gnaw. "Did I hit a nerve?"

When they were trapped in the elevator, he had told him about his sister. Not much, Juice had mentioned that he barely spoke to her and that she felt more like a stranger than like a family member.

"I can't imagine," she said. "He seems to feel really sorry for your family. I don't think his outburst had anything to do with that. “She turned a little more towards him.”You know... Juice is a pro in overthinking things. Sometimes we talk about something and an hour later, he blurts out something about the previous subject that was bothering him all that time, without me being aware of it. I can see how his insecurity was bothering him all that time and at some point... it just needed to get out. You know – Juice is an amazing guy; he's the sweetest person I've ever met. But he... he doesn't have a lot of friends. Real friends. Sure, he has his brothers... but they always make fun of him. They mean him no harm, but whenever they want to trick someone, it's him. He's an easy target, I guess. Sometimes it's hard for him to trust other people." She was silent for a while, trying to read Raine. "I think he really wants to be friends with you, Raine. You two clearly have a connection. But let's be honest... the fact that you're supposed to be enemies isn't exactly building up his trust."

Raine was a little overwhelmed by Skye's openness; she had told him a few very personal things about Juice. He however, was glad she told him all this. At their first meeting he had already discovered that Juice was a complicated guy. Which intrigued him – and this time too, he felt his anger fading away.

"I like to hang out with him," he confessed. "And I feel sorry for him for not having many friends." Especially now that he was going through such a tough period himself, he knew the value of close friendships. An almost shy smile made his lips curl. "I think they're missin' out on a lot."

Skye looked at him with a smile stretching from ear to ear. "You're a cutie, Raine. I know he adores me, but sometimes he needs a... male friend. But one who dares to open up. Who listens to him, to who he can listen. You know... This won't sound super bad ass biker-ish but that doesn't make it less true. I believe in love at first sight. In friendship at first sight. The day you two met... Juice hasn’t been the same since that day. I don't know if the same goes for you... but something tells me it does."

Raine started to feel warm. Suddenly feeling awkward, he rubbed his neck. This sounded really... unmanly – even if it was true. He hadn't realized it during the past weeks, but the moment he saw Juice today he knew he had missed the guy for reasons he didn't know. "Yeah... maybe you're right," he said quietly.

Friendship at first sight. Did something like that really exist?

If it was really a thing romantically – then why wouldn't it be on a friendship level?

"I'm going to see if I can find him. Juice isn't the worst in saying sorry."

Raine briefly looked her in the eye. "Yeah... okay. Well, I guess I will hear or see if he wants to hang out with me again."

"Yep, got your number."

"And that date..." he asked with a crooked smile.”Is that still on? Or was Juice the reason you wanted my number?"

"I like hitting two targets with one shot," she winked. "So yeah, that date's certainly still on, handsome." She leaned into him, kissing his cheek. "I'll call you!"

The prospect cheered him up. There was a strange feeling in his stomach since she had asked him out – something he hadn't felt in years. It made him smile.

Skye was a little worried when she found out that Juice had gone home without telling her. His brothers hadn’t seen him either, although she told them he hadn't felt well this morning.

Half Sack gave her a ride home. She knew the prospect had a little crush on her ,and although she usually didn't like to take advantage of his feelings, she ignored her conscience today.

* * *

"Juice?" she asked as she entered the house. The door towards the balcony was open. As she headed for it, she saw a few empty beer bottles scattered across the floor. He was sitting in the white swing chair she used for reading in. Although the chair wasn't made for two people, it had carried their combined weight many times before. She sat down on his lap, running a hand across his Mohawk. He sighed deeply and avoided her glance. The pot he smoked and the beers he drank hadn't improved his mood much.

"Raine told me what happened."

Juice bent his head.

Her hand slid to his neck, massaging his muscles. "I don't believe he's using you to get Intel about the club, Juice."

"I know," he muttered. For a long time he was silent, studying the wooden floor. Skye let him be, knowing he would speak his thoughts if she was patient. "I don't know what's going on with me." His voice sounded shaky. He still refused to look at her.

Cupping his jaw with her hand, she lifted his face. She swallowed as she saw his teary eyes; it felt like he was about to cry. "Sweetie... what's going on?"

He shrugged his shoulders and tried to look away, but her grasp on his face was firm.

"Juice... It's me. You always tell me everything."

"I don't know," he muttered. He wiped his eyes on his shoulder. "I panicked; I didn't know what to say, so I accused him of using me."

"So that wasn't the real reason?"

He shook his head quietly.

"Then what was?" She caressed his cheek. As their eyes met, he started to blush. They knew each other so well that she knew there was no way she could make his cheeks flush, because of that she could piece the puzzle together. _Oh..._ She didn't say it out loud; it was better for him to translate his thoughts into words himself.

As he bent his head again, she didn't stop him this time. She kissed his temple. "You know there's nothing you can't tell me baby."

"It was just..." He took a deep breath. "When he took off his shirt... I – I got turned on," he whispered. His voice was dripping with shame.

She chuckled softly. "I've seen that body too. I totally get what you mean. I'm sure he has that effect on everyone."

"It was not just that," he muttered. "We were in the middle of a conversation – and suddenly I couldn’t hear anything anymore. And – and all I could think of... was how it would feel if he'd touch me. How it would be to kiss his neck, his chest..."

His cheeks turned into a deep red. It was the most adorable thing she'd ever seen.

"I... I panicked. I – I just don't understand myself. Why I was thinking those things... Why I kept seeing those... images. Why those thoughts won't leave me alone. Not even – not even now."

Her fingers glided across the ink on his scalp. "I know why."

He looked up, desperately longing for an explanation that would be miles apart from the real explanation. Although he wouldn't want to hear it, she told him the truth. "You're in love, sweetie. You're madly in love with him."


	8. Gay

Juice stared at her.

She was joking, right? This had to be a fucking joke!

"That doesn't make sense!" he said at the sight of her serious face. "I'm not gay!"

"You told me yourself you wanted to kiss him," she answered calmly.

"But that doesn't mean that – that..." He simply couldn't find the right words. Could it be true? Did he have feelings for a man? He thought back to the tingling’s he had felt, to how excited he had been, to the fact he couldn't get that Mayan out of his head. "It's not like that. It's just – just... If he had been a girl, I'm sure I would have fallen for her. But... but..."

"Then what's the difference, babe?"

"The difference?!" he called out. "He has a dick! He's a guy!" That thought alone made him feel sick to the stomach. "I'm not gay!"

Mouse sighed softly. "Okay baby. If you say so." She kissed his head, got up and left him alone on the balcony.

Juice bent over. His elbows leaning on his knees, his head in his hands.

Was she right? Had he fallen in love with the Mayan? But one couldn't just become gay all of a sudden, right? He was 28, he should’ve noticed longings like that, right? Now and then he had gotten a glimpse of gay porn in Cara Cara, but it had never turned him on. The idea that he would take a dick in his mouth or that someone would fuck his ass, chilled him to the bone. No – he didn't want any of that! It was fucking gross. He loved chicks, he loved tits, he loved pussy.

He got up and went back into the apartment. Mouse was sitting cross-legged on the couch, a magazine in her lap.

"Maybe I was just jealous," he said. "Because he has such a perfect body."

She looked up, smiling a bit sadly at him. "Okay."

She didn't believe him.

"Or maybe I was just seeing things. Maybe I wasn't really turned on..." Sighing, he kept his mouth shut. Even now when he thought back to Raine's bare chest and flat stomach, he felt how the blood was starting to flow faster through his veins, encouraging something to flutter in his stomach.

"I don't know," he whispered. He sat down at the couch and rubbed his face.

Skye knew him better than anyone. In every other situation, he would have believed her right away.

"When I think about sex with a guy I just feel sick. Then – then I can’t possibly want something like that, right?"

"Why would you want sex right away? The first time I fell in love, it took months before I was ready to have sex. The same might go for you. A longing like that can grow."

He was silent for a while. "You really think I'm in love with him?" he asked quietly. He didn't dare to look at her, afraid of her answer.

"Even before today I asked myself that question. You are... different since you met him. Quieter. Often lost in thoughts. And there's always such a cute smile on your lips when you're playing with the Rubik's Cube. But watching you being all nervous today, and seeing your cheeks flush when he looked at you... and knowing about the panic you felt when you saw him half naked... Yeah, I'm pretty sure you're in love, Juice."

He bit his lip. Somewhere deep, deep inside of him he knew she was right.

He had fallen for a guy – no matter how much he hated it.

He rubbed his eyes as they started to itch. That friendship he had craved for the past weeks... it would never happen. He would never even dare to look at Raine again.

"How on earth is this even possible? How stupid am I if I can even ruin a friendship by falling for the guy?!"

"Hey c'mon... Don't say things like that." Mouse wrapped her arms around him. "He felt pretty confused when you left. He told me he likes hanging out with you... and he admitted he also felt something... special. I'm not sure if it's friendship or more, but I'm sure he can deal with your feelings baby, even if they're not mutual."

"I’ll never dare to look him in the eye again," he muttered. "And I'm sure as hell not going to tell him."

"Just give yourself some time to get used to the idea. Then..."

"I don't want to get used to it! I don't want these feelings!" He scraped across his scalp with his fingernails. "This is typical me, right?! I haven't been in love for years and now I'm _falling _for a guy and a Mayan? Can it be more out of my league?! I just have to forget about him. Just let him believe I didn't trust him. That's better than the truth."

"Don't you want to give it a chance at all?" Skye asked. "What if he really is your soulmate?"

He flinched. A few hours ago he had asked himself the same question – on a friendship level. What if it went even further?

Was there a chance that Raine had the same feelings for him? He remembered how they were standing in line for hotdogs today. At some point they had stared into each other's eyes, and he had wondered if he had really seen a blush on the guy's cheeks. The memory shot tingling’s through his whole body. His heart was racing in his chest, and suddenly the thought that he would never look into those eyes again made him cramp up.

"I don't know," he answered quietly. "I don't think I'll ever dare to look at him again."

"Oh, I'm sure you will. Hmm... I still have that date with him. Of course he's all yours now, but maybe I can find out if he's bi? I mean – I'm bisexual too, so it will be easy to talk about it."

Juice pursed his lips. Was that something he wanted?

"Okay," he said softly, a blush creeping up to his cheeks. But he trusted Mouse with his life, and he was sure she could subtly direct their conversation into that direction.

* * *

Juice felt like his nerves were about to burst out of his body. It had been weeks since he had spoken to Raine. Mouse had taken him home a few times, but Juice always made sure that he wasn't around.

Yesterday however, Raine had texted him to hear if he planned to come to the fundraiser he had organised for his little sister. Juice hadn't dared to say _no _– not even when he found out they were going to swim laps to earn money.

And right now, he was standing on the edge of the swimming pool.

Raine just climbed out of the pool. His skin was glistening with water and the drops seemed to trace the lines of his muscles. His swimsuit was clinging to his skin, giving Juice the assumption that he was well endowed.

The man looked up. A shock traveled through Juice's body when their eyes met. His knees felt weak; he was terrified he would faint right there. It felt as if he was struck by lightning.

Raine gave him a simple nod and turned around.

Feeling lost, Juice stayed behind.

He participated in the activities, even though he didn’t know anyone. He was very aware of the fact that he was wearing a swimsuit – and more importantly, that Raine was wearing one. More than once that perfect body resulted in a hell of a boner and Juice had the feeling everyone could see it. People were whispering, pointing at him.

He started to feel uncomfortable. What the hell was he doing here anyway? Quickening his pace, he headed for his bike. He startled when Raine showed up in front of him, blocking his way. Nonchalantly, he leaned against a wall. His glance crossed Juice's, then it wandered down his body.

Juice's breathing sped up immediately.

"H-hi," Juice muttered.

Raine lifted the corner of his mouth – and only now, Juice realized how hot that grin was. His heartbeat sped up – almost alarmingly high.

"You wanna kiss me Juice?" Raine asked.

Juice widened his eyes. "W-what?"

He held his gaze.

"M-maybe," he stammered.

"Then fuckin' kiss me man."

Juice's eyes almost popped out of his head. "W-what?"

With a quick movement, Raine pushed him against the wall. He was afraid to pass out when he felt Raine's erection against his own. Fuck – was this really happening?

And then, Raine's lips were on his.

It was a rough, greedy kiss. One filling him with fire. Raine's hands shoved across his chest, every touch making him sigh in longing. His lips left Raine's, he moved them across his stubbly jaw, to his neck. His fingers found the muscles he'd been so impressed by.

"Sit down on your knees," Raine told him. "Blow me."

Before Juice knew it, he was sitting on his knees. He didn't know if he was ready for this – although his throbbing erection tried to convince him he was. Nevertheless, he felt so nervous he was close to vomiting. Raine's fingers glided to the edge of his swimsuit. Juice's throat felt dry. He looked over his shoulder – where were the others?

Something just didn't feel right... His body felt too heavy, his head too light. His glance shot back to Raine's waist; the man was toying with his waistband.

Suddenly his knee moved forward, hitting Juice in the eye. He fell backwards, his head hitting the ground.

"Fuckin' faggot," Raine grunted. "You're a disgrace to the biker community."

Juice tried to get up, but someone kicked his head.

Suddenly, there were dozens of people around him. They were wearing kuttes – he saw Mayans, but also his own brothers. They all kicked him, spat on him.

Juice cried out, trying to crawl away from them. There were too many of them, there was nothing he could do.

"Chibs..." he whispered between bloody lips when his sponsor knelt down next to him.”Chibs, help me..."

"Ye disgraced us, lad." Something shiny caught his eye, a moment later he felt how his brother grabbed his arm and pushed a dagger against it.

Juice screamed when Chibs started to cut the Reaper from his flesh.

* * *

Panting, Juice sat up straight. His heart was hammering in his chest, his whole body was cramped up. He could still feel the boots kicking his sides, his stomach. The Reaper was burning on his skin, as if the knife was still stripping off his flesh. With shaking fingers he reached for the nightlight. A moment later a bright light lit up his bedroom.

He was okay. His tattoo was still intact.

He was home, in bed. It had just been a nightmare.

He wiped his eyes; apparently he’d been crying in his sleep.

"A dream... It was just a dream, Juice," he told himself, taking a few deep breaths.

It however, didn't feel like a dream – it felt more like a foreshadowing.

Something that might happen one day, if he failed to get rid of his feelings for Raine. Slipping out of bed, he staggered to the bathroom. There he splashed water in his face.

He couldn't shake off the nightmare.

Something convinced him that everyone would be really disgusted with him if they found out about his feelings.

They would all be sickened by him.

His brothers.

Raine himself.

Everyone he knew. 


	9. Chemistry

"You're quiet today." She covered his hand with her fragile fingers. "Usually you're full of stories after a day like yesterday."

Raine gave her a small smile. "I haven't got much to add to everything Sammy and Sasha already told you."

Rosa had come home a few days ago and would stay there for a few weeks until her next chemo would start. They'd made a schedule to decide who stayed with her, although Raine had practically moved in with her. He could deal better with her sickness than his father and little sister, and he knew it caused Rosa less stress.

"They didn't tell me why you keep checking your phone." Her lips curled into a weak smile and her eyes lit up a bit. "You met a nice girl?"

"Actually I did. You know that Son I was stuck in an elevator with? I saw him yesterday – and his roommate liked me. Sammy knew her too; she does those puppet shows in St. Thomas."

"That's great! And you're waiting for a text from her now?"

"Yeah... I didn't ask for her number."

He actually thought she would've texted him by now. He wondered how Juice felt and if he still believed that he wanted to turn him into a rat. His last words just refused to leave his mind. He hated how the day had ended. He hadn't seen him on the terrain again, and Sammy told him Skye had gone home quite early.

"And, does your date have a name?"

"Juice..." he answered a little distracted.

"Juice?"

He felt his cheeks flush. Did he really say Juice? "No I mean – her name's Skye," he said quickly. "Juice is her roommate."

She had always been an observant girl; this time was no exception. She raised her eyebrows questioningly. "Why don't you tell me something about Juice?"

"What? About Juice?" he responded confused.

"You're not smiling, Raine. It's not that girl who's occupying your thoughts."

It was hard to lie to someone who was so ill – besides, he had no reason to lie. It wasn't that much of a big deal anyway. She had been pushing for more serious conversations lately, as if she wanted to turn the ones she loved inside out, before she had to say her last goodbyes to them.

"I hung out with Juice for a couple hours yesterday," he explained. "I don't know what it is – we just get along very well. At least, that's what I was thinking – but suddenly he became all angry, snapping at me that I was trying to turn him into a rat." He shrugged his shoulders. "It bothers me. I thought that we... I dunno, that we were becoming friends. Skye told me he doesn't have a lot of friends which makes him paranoid. She said she would talk to him, but I haven't heard from her since."

"I'm sure she'll text you. Maybe Juice wasn't in the mood to talk yet."

He took in Rosa's face. Her cheekbones were sticking out, her lips weren't as full as they used to be. Her dark curls, she had lost a long time ago. In the beginning, it had been hard to get used to it, but by now it symbolized her persistence, her fight.

"He suggested to organize a fundraiser myself. To raise money for the families of terminally ill patients who live abroad. Like our family. So they could see each other one last time."

Her smile gave him a warm feeling, low in his stomach. "What a beautiful idea."

"Yeah," he said softly. He thought back to the moment Juice had shared his idea; sitting at the table, a hotdog in his hand. The look in his eyes had been so... compassionate it'd made him swallow. His brain had started to process ideas immediately – mainly, he had been looking for things Juice could participate in, too.

Whether these things would still happen, remained to be seen.

* * *

Later that night, he got a text from Skye. _'Hey handsome. You got something to do tomorrow night? X'_

To his surprise, the smile he had expected didn't show up. Instead, there was a nagging feeling in his stomach because she didn't mention Juice. Did it mean the man was still angry? He didn't want to show her how much it bothered him, so he sent back: _'Not yet. Just tell me where and how late and I'll be there. ;)'_

They decided to go to the movies first and grab a drink afterwards.

The date went differently than he anticipated. Although she had obviously flirted with him when they first met, something seemed to hold her back now. However, the genuine interest in her eyes when he told her something and the ever-present smile around her lips, gave her a natural charm.

They were late for the movie, so there wasn't much time left to talk. Frankly, there was only one question burning on his lips: had she talked to Juice? He was careful asking her, although he didn't know why. Something told him it was better to wait until the girl brought it up herself.

After retreating to a quiet corner of the bar, they ordered a drink and discussed the movie. When their drinks were served, Skye sat up a little straighter. With her elbows leaning on the table, she swirled the liquid inside her glass around.

"What kind of type are you, Raine?" she asked. "Are you looking for a serious relationship or are you more into flings?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "I'll just see what comes my way. I'm open to something serious, but to be honest – my life is already chaotic enough without a girlfriend," he said, giving her a small smile. "What about you?"

"Long relationships aren't exactly my strong suit," she admitted. "I think I quickly feel... trapped. I've had a few jealous boyfriends, and two girlfriends who were mainly interested in a threesome with my roomie," she said, laughing.

"And? Were they lucky?"

She chuckled and shook her head. "No, Juice didn't like 'em. Although I think he was trying to protect me, afraid that he would get more attention than I."

"Or he was afraid he couldn't handle two chicks," he smirked.

She laughed. "Oh believe me, he knows how to handle two girls. When we were still in a relationship, we did a threesome every now and then. Only with girls, by the way. Although doin' it with two guys is still on my bucket list," she said, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively up and down.

Her bold comment made him chuckle. "Is this an invitation? Does Juice know?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "Sometimes it's better to surprise Juice."

Smirking, he thought back to the panicking expression on the guy's face when Raine had asked him if he wanted to experiment, when they were stuck in the elevator. "Yeah – think you got a point there."

Skye shoved the straw of her cocktail between her lips, started to suck and looked up to him. "What about you? You're only into girls?"

"I guess," he said. "Never been in love with a guy. Although I kissed one when I was dead drunk." The memory made him chuckle. "It was during my patch-in party. They promised me the hottest girl in the club, but they got me drunk instead and I ended up with a guy in my room. Thank god we were too drunk to take off a single piece of clothing. It happened six years ago, but they still like to tease me with it."

He didn't care about it much. Everyone did stupid things when they were drunk.

"Sounds like you want to keep your options open," she winked.

"There's no harm in that, right?" He drank his beer. "Your last relationship... was it with Juice?"

She nodded. "Yeah, I've been single for a year now."

"Why did you two break up?" he asked curiously. Since they were still sharing a house, he assumed there hadn't been a heated fight. "Or was he one of those jealous boyfriends?"

"Juice and I know each other too well to be jealous of anything. I don't know... we are so close, we were both curious if there was more than friendship alone. But after a few months, we both agreed we didn't love each other like that. How long has it been since your last relationship?"

"Also around a year. I moved from Santo Padre to Oakland, she stayed behind... My sister was sick, I had too much on my mind to maintain a long distance relationship and she didn't really understand."

"Didn't understand what? That you needed to care for your sister?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "She had her own problems. She said I was picking my sister over her. Which I did – in some way." He let out a bitter laugh. "Not that I had much of a choice. There were some mental problems goin' on – and I'm not saying that's not rough – but my little sister had been diagnosed with metastatic cancer; she had a one year old kid and a father who couldn't handle it at all... It was never a choice for me. Guess it was for the best. I had enough on my plate, there was just no room for a girlfriend."

"But having someone by your side can be a huge support, too," Skye said.

"Yeah... if it's the right person." He paused for a moment as he thought about Elin. No – he didn't miss her. He hadn't thought about her in months. His thoughts wandered off to Juice, who had been so concerned with him since the first moment. Someone like him would be nice. Someone who wanted to help him, who came up with ideas to make things more bearable for his family.

"Did I hit a nerve?" she asked quietly, clearly seeing his thoughts wandering off.

He shook his head. "No, you didn't. I have some good friends who are a great support." He twisted the ring around his thumb. Then he asked the question that had been bothering him for two days. "Did you talk to Juice?"

A smile crossed her lips. Something told him she had waited until he brought it up himself.

"Yeah... I was right about him. His insecurities got the best of him, he suddenly couldn't think of a reason why you would want to be friends with him. Trying to turn him into a rat made the most sense, according to him."

_He couldn't think of a reason why I would want to be friends with him... _The demons inside his head were really strong and it didn't leave him indifferent. He was a great guy, he should be convinced that everyone would want to be his friend.

"He still believes that?"

She shook her head. "No. My pep talks guarantee an 'I'm on top of the world' feeling," she grinned. The seriousness returned to her eyes. "But he feels ashamed now. I gave him your number, but I don't think he dares to text you. So I can give you his number... or we could go to my place and have a drink there. I think he'll come around easily – the moment he realizes you're not mad at him."

Raine wasn't a big fan of postponing things, so he went with the second option. "Fine with me. Let's go to your house."

* * *

After a heavy work out session and a hot shower, Juice had dropped down on the couch and started a movie. It was hard to keep his thoughts on the movie – again and again they wandered off to Mouse and Raine. What would they talk about? About him? A nervous feeling caused his toes to curl. There weren't many cool things Raine could discover about him...

Juice wasn't sure whether that was really something bad, however.

Maybe it was better if he would never see the Mayan again. That way, his feelings would go away eventually. Then again, he might lose a good friend. It was better if he just hid his feelings, if he simply ignored them. They would go away, eventually.

The movie had finally soaked up his attention when the front door opened. Skye was home early... Why was that? Did the club need Raine, or had their date been a disaster? Mouse could be very... interrogating during a first date. He wouldn't be the first guy she scared away; not everyone was fond of deep conversations.

Pausing the movie, he got up. He was barely on his feet when he heard a man's voice, saying something about the Shelby Mustang GT 350, which was on the windowsill next to the door, which Juice had built a couple of years ago.

No way, had she really taken him home?! With wide eyes, he stared down at his legs. Luckily he was at least wearing sweatpants, since there had been many nights he had flopped down on the couch with only his boxers on. He however, wasn't wearing a shirt. Unfortunately, it was too late to sneak into his room as the two already entered the living room.

His eyes shot to Raine's. For a moment he couldn't breathe, he felt like he was on fire now that the guy was standing in his living room all of a sudden. "H-hi," he stammered. "I – I hadn't expected any visitors."

Raine lifted the corner of his mouth. "I heard we were going to do a threesome, so that's only half a striptease for you, lucky bastard."

Juice's jaw dropped down. "W-what?"

Skye and Raine exchanged a look, sniggering softly.

Juice felt a stab in his stomach. Were they making fun of him? Had Skye told the man that Juice was in love with him? Tears jumped in his eyes. He had never expected something like that from her, why the hell would she betray him like that?

"C'mon, welcome me with your usual hug, Juicy!" Skye said with a wink, crossing the room and throwing her arms around him. "He doesn't know," she whispered in his ear. "Don't worry. As it happens, we were talking about threesomes. He's joking."

"As it happens?" he huffed.

Her smirk gave away there had been nothing unexpected about it. "I'm going to change clothes!" After a subtle wink, she disappeared into her room.

Fuck you, he thought, feeling upset. Self-consciously, he turned towards Raine.

The Mayan spread his arms. "Am I not gettin' a hug?"

The smirk on his lips made him feel insecure; he had no idea if the guy was joking or not.

"Umm – if you like," he muttered. He felt his cheeks flush and cursed the heat he was feeling.

"An act of reconciliation, huh? Plus, I used to hug all my bro's."

It felt as if Juice's brain had been turned into soup. He tried to remember how he embraced his brothers; those hugs were always less intimate than the ones with Mouse, but suddenly he couldn't think at all anymore. Before he knew it, Raine was standing across from him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and briefly pulling him against his chest. Juice was still contemplating what he should do with his arms, when the moment was already over.

Despite his warm cheeks, Juice forced himself to look up. "Umm... how was your date?"

Raine's hands slipped into his pockets while he leaned against the counter top. "Yeah, we had fun. Movie was good, we grabbed a drink afterwards and then she suggested to have another one here."

Juice swallowed. Usually, taking someone home meant sex. Was Raine expecting sex from Skye now? Was Juice ruining his plans? "You like her?"

The question slipped his lips. Juice was close to screaming in frustration when his face turned even redder. Quickly he opened the fridge and grabbed two beers from it.

"Hmm, she's cool. I wouldn't mind to sleep with her, but I don't think there's gonna be more."

Juice nodded, handed Raine a beer and walked to the living room. He sat down on the couch. Somehow he expected Raine to sit down on the armchair which was closer to him than the couch, but he opted for the seat next to Juice.

Nervously, Juice looked aside. He had no idea what to say.

The Mayan seemed to feel relaxed, he took a swig of his beer and studied Juice's face for a while. "You think this is going somewhere? You and me?"

Juice's eyes widened; they almost popped out of their sockets. Was he messing with him? Or was he in love too? "I... I..." he stammered. "You mean... romantically?"

This time, it was Raine's face which expressed pure surprise. "Uh... Well, I was more thinking about friendship."

_Of course he is, you idiot! _Juice wanted the floor to swallow him whole. "How was I supposed to know," he grunted in some half-hearted attempt to restore his honor. "You also mentioned a threesome the moment you came in. My question wasn't that weird."

As he looked up again, a grin crossed Raine's lips. "Well, we'll see where it leads us to." He wiggled his eyebrows.

Fuck – was Raine seriously flirting with him? He was terrified that drops of sweat would soon start to roll down his upper body. And where the hell was Skye? He was close to having a heart attack... Not knowing what to do or say, made the panic flare up again.

Thank god, Raine started to talk again. His voice was more serious now. "You're still afraid I want to turn you into a rat?"

"No," he answered quietly.

"Then what's wrong? You don't seem to feel very comfortable... Do you still feel ashamed of what happened two days ago? Skye explained it to me... I'm not mad. I just hope that you're open to a friendship now, even though I'm part of a different club."

Juice looked up again. His words filled him with warmth – not an oppressive heat this time, but a pleasant warmth. Raine's brown eyes looked calmly at him. He felt his heart flutter. "Umm... yeah, I would really like to be friends with you." Shyly, he shrugged his shoulders. "Although I do wonder... how..."

"Yeah..." Raine took a drink from his beer. "I was thinking... I can tell my brothers that I'm dating Skye. You can tell 'em the same. If someone sees us together one day, it won't be that weird. I guess they won't like it, but I'm sure they prefer it over the fact that I really like to hang out with you."

Juice nodded. His heart was making flip flops because of his last words. He swallowed as he looked up. "I really like to hang out with you, too."

Suddenly, there were little jolts that felt like static energy everywhere across his arms and fingers. His answer had been soft, expressing the yearning he felt. It however, was like he hadn't really heard it, as he suddenly got trapped into those beautiful brown eyes. The only thing still on his mind was this desperate longing to kiss him.

"Yeah?" Raine's voice also sounded different, a little tense. He thought he not only heard his own breathing falter, but also that of his new friend. The blood rushed to his crotch, he was getting hard again. This time however, he didn't panic – as long as Raine stared back into his eyes, he wouldn't notice.

Raine's glance crept a bit down. Was he looking at his lips? Did he also feel this unstoppable longing? Juice didn't know if it was a conscious move, but he leaned a little more towards the Mayan. Raine's eyes shot back to his.

Nervousness was churning inside his body. He didn't think he could resist those lips much longer. Suddenly there were twinkles dancing in Raine's eyes.

"You look like you're about to kiss me." His voice didn't sound mocking, but there definitely was a teasing tone in it.

Juice had the feeling there were flames coming out of his head. With bright red cheeks, he turned his face away. Right at that moment, the door behind them opened. _Too late Mouse, _he thought, feeling frustrated. _Your rescue is too late._

He took a large gulp from his beer – as if he needed to cool down his lips. He didn't dare to look up anymore and stared at his legs, wishing Raine would go home. He was making a fool of himself. He was sure Raine didn't want to be friends anymore; he probably believed Juice wanted other things from him. Tears were stinging in his eyes.

"You got another beer for me?" Raine asked. From the corner of his eyes, Juice saw that he was lifting his empty bottle while looking at Skye.

_Nope, he isn't going to leave anytime soon._

Juice stared at his own bottle. It was shaking in his hands. Quickly, he took a swig while he watched his roommate walk to the kitchen, still not daring to look aside.

Suddenly, he felt Raine's arm brush his own arm. His skin was tingling, his breathing got heavier. The man leaned into him and whispered: "Relax. I never said that I would mind."

His words were so unexpected; Juice choked on his beer and started to cough. 


	10. Openness

Skye had seen Juice's bright red face when she entered the living room. She knew Raine was trying to buy time by asking for another beer and although she was burning with curiosity, she gave the two guys a little more time together. From the corner of her eye, she saw that Raine was whispering something in Juice's ear, startling her friend so much he choked on his beer and started to cough.

Skye bit back a smile. It was just so adorable. She hadn't seen Juice in love before, but there was a permanent blush on his cheeks now. It was so freaking cute! Had Raine picked up on it? She hadn't noticed anything until they'd gone to her home, but well, it was hard to miss...

With two drinks she returned to the living room. Cross-legged, she sat down in the armchair, taking in the two men. Yeah – they would be an amazing couple. Raine was exactly what Juice needed, and during the date she had felt Raine's longing for someone who understood him; someone he could lean on when caring for his family was becoming too much for him.

There was a tense silence in the room. Had it been there too when she was in her room? Both men had told her they had a click, so she had expected things to go pretty well between them. However, Juice's discovery that he was in love might've complicated things.

She caught Juice's gaze and motioned with her eyes to her bedroom door, silently asking him if he wanted her to leave. Almost imperceptibly he shook his head. She saw the panic in his eyes; he didn't feel comfortable at all.

She clapped her hands. "Alright! I know you've both turned each other inside out when you were stuck in the elevator, but I love a good late night conversation! So... let's all ask one question that we all have to answer honestly."

Juice looked relieved, thankful that the silence was broken. She smiled.

"Okay, I'll start." She looked at Raine. "The perfect date. What does that look like?"

"Hmm..." He leaned forward. "Something givin' me an adrenaline boost. Like... bungee jumping or something. And after that... getting some cheap food, finding a quiet place to talk and ending up with steamy sex?"

She chuckled. "So I did like everything wrong?"

"The night isn't over," he winked.

"Unfortunately for you, I don't do sex on first dates," she winked back. That wasn't exactly true, but he didn't need to know that. As hot and nice as he was; she would never do that to Juice.

"Okay Juicy. Your perfect date?"

He ran a hand across his Mohawk. Poor baby, he was so nervous... She felt sorry for him. It felt like he didn't dare to say anything at all. "Ummm... going to some arcade sounds cool, and an old school marathon afterwards?"

She started to laugh. "Boy, like you will even finish the first movie when you like someone. I'm sure your date is half naked before the title even shows up."

Finally, a grin appeared on his face. "Hey, leave me to my delusion that I'm a gentleman. And, what's your perfect date?"

She thought about it. "A date with a millionaire sounds awesome. Throwing money around all day long."

The two men started to laugh. "Well, you better stop dating bikers then Mouse. We're poor."

"Well, we're outlaws after all," Raine said to him. "A good outlaw should earn some good money someday."

Juice chuckled. "Think you gotta choose a more experienced biker. What about Piney? Or Clay?"

She scrunched her nose. "You two cause me nightmares. Next question." She gave Raine a questioning look.

"Hm..." He took a moment to think. "What's your biggest fear?"

Juice was the first one answering the question. "Being alone," he said quietly. He bent his head and fidgeted with the nail of his index finger. "Sometimes I'm afraid to fuck something up, where after I will lose everyone again. Like I did back in Queens."

Raine wrapped an arm around him. "Hey, that was before you met us. We're way too badass to let someone scare us away."

Juice gave him a small smile, although his cheeks started to flush again. Desperately, his eyes shot to Skye, but she couldn't do much about his blushing face.

"Hmm, my biggest fear..." she started to divert Raine's attention away from Juice.”Well – I'm fucking afraid of lightning." She looked at the Mayan. "Always have been. All those stories about people being struck by lightning... it freaks me out. I even crawl into Juice's bed during a thunderstorm."

"Aww, that's cute," Raine teased, taking his arm away from Juice's shoulder and reaching for his beer.

"Well hero, you afraid of nothing?"

"I'm fearless," he smirked. "But believe it or not – I have some serious dental phobia. For real – do with my body whatever the hell you want but getting anywhere near my teeth and molars... no fucking way." He bumped his shoulder against Juice's. "That better stay between us, bro. That killer of yours doesn't need to know that pulling out one molar is enough to make me talk."

With an amused smile, Skye watched them. It was beautiful to see how both men were opening up to each other more and more, despite the possible consequences.

"As long as you don't tell your brothers that you can drive me crazy by locking me up in an elevator, your secret is safe with me."

His words sounded light-hearted, but his tone told her he was relieved that Raine dared to share his weakness with him too.

"Okay, your turn to ask a question Juice!"

He leaned back in the couch. "Uh... What's your biggest love blunder?"

Skye dug into her memories and started to laugh. "Oh yeah, that's a good one. It's a classic, actually. Once, I had a boyfriend whom I took home. We were having dinner with my parents and suddenly he started to play footsie. He thought it was me, but it was my mom!" Remembering her mom's face, she started to laugh again.

"Hey, that was my story to tell!" Juice threw a cushion at her head.

"Well it was pretty awkward for me too! Your foot was almost between her legs. I was embarrassed like hell."

He rolled his eyes. "Exaggeration is also a profession. And you're shamelessness itself, Mouse."

She smirked. "Yeah, after that night I was." She turned towards Raine, who was chuckling. "What about you?"

"Well... I already told you," he said, "but okay." He turned a little more towards Juice. Skye could barely hide a smile – if he was going to confess to Juice that he had kissed a guy once, it would surely make him feel more comfortable. "It was during my patch-in party. They would get me the hottest chick around, but they got me so drunk I kissed a guy instead of that chick."

Juice froze. Instead of smirking about it, like he would have done when every other person had told him this, he turned his face away.

Oh dear, she thought when she saw him fighting his tears. She caught Raine's glance, who looked confused. She knew Juice well enough to know those tears were increasing his panic because he didn't want to cry around Raine.

With her eyes, she motioned towards the balcony. Raine got the hint and stood up. "I uhh – I'm going to smoke."

The moment he had left the room, Skye hurried to Juice and wrapped her arms around him. "Hey, what's going on baby?"

He rubbed his eyes. "He knows," he said. "He knows I'm in love with him. And I – I don't know, he confuses me the whole time. It feels like he's making fun of me."

"Calm down..." She squeezed his hand. "Why do you think he knows?"

"Because I say those stupid things all the time! And right before you joined us... I was staring at him and he said I looked like I was about to kiss him." With his thumb he wiped a few tears from below his eyes. "And when he made you get that beer, he whispered I had to relax and that he wouldn't have minded if I'd kissed him."

"But that is fantastic sweetie! The air is vibrating with the chemistry between the two of you!"

"You heard what he said! He thinks kissing a guy is a blunder! It was an obvious hint he's not too fond of gay people. He's just fucking with me, and I'm sure he doesn't want to be friends with me anymore now he knows I fell for him."

"He didn't hate kissing that guy, Juice. It's just a funny story because he would get a hot chick, and instead he started to kiss a guy in the middle of the clubhouse. He told me they're still teasing him about it." She gave his hand another squeeze. "He said it wouldn't hurt to keep his options open. You know, including girls and guys. I even think he was trying to show you that your feelings for him aren't bothering him."

Juice sighed deeply and rubbed his face. "What should I do now?" he asked quietly. "I'm such a dumbass the whole time; I'm afraid to scare him away."

"Lovey, listen carefully to me." She lifted his face until he looked her straight in the eye. "You're the reason he's here. He really likes you, Juice. Even if he doesn't have romantic feelings, I'm sure he can deal with yours. But you gotta talk to him about it, especially if he already knows anyway. Ask him how he feels about it, and if he reciprocates these feelings. You can't simply shove this to the side, Juice, your feelings are way too strong. Talk about it. Then you will notice that you're less nervous too, because you don't have anything to hide anymore. Just get it all out on the table, like we used to do. It'll make your friendship so much stronger."

* * *

Juice contemplated her words. He didn't know if he dared to talk about it, but at the same time he was done with not daring things. Maybe he should just bite the bullet. If he continued like this, he was going to ruin their friendship anyway.

"Okay," he said softly.

"Very well." She kissed his cheek. "I'm sure you'll feel relieved."

After a deep sigh, Juice got up. His intestines seemed to slush through his body as he walked to the balcony, his feet feeling heavy as lead. Softly, he closed the door behind him. The night air was cold – maybe he should have gotten himself a shirt.

However, one glance at Raine and he felt hot again. The Mayan was leaning against the railing, staring into the distance, to the mountains surrounding Charming.

"This is a nice spot," Raine noticed.

Juice was grateful that he was trying to keep things light; he went to stand next to the other man and stared at the starry sky. "Yeah, the view is amazing."

Raine studied his face. "You feel a little better?" he asked quietly.

The concern in his voice caused a paralyzing feeling in his chest. Quietly, he shrugged his shoulders, staring into the darkness again. "My head's a mess," he confessed.

Raine didn't dig deeper, but instead gave him space to elaborate. He raised his hand, offering Juice his cigarette. His cheeks flushed as he took the smoke from him, knowing it had been between Raine's lips a few seconds ago. He took a deep drag.

"You meant what you said?" Juice asked, his face turned to the scenery again. "That you wouldn't have minded if I'd kissed you?"

"I don't think I'd push you away."

He peeked to his side, although he was too shy to look him straight in the eye. "Why not?" he whispered.

Raine shrugged his shoulders. "Why would I? I'm sure you're a skilled kisser."

With the nail of his thumb he scratched the railing. What the hell was he supposed to do with that? He still didn't know whether the guy was serious or not. At the same time, he realized he was hard to read too. "I never thought you wanted to turn me into a rat," he confessed. He took a deep breath, but pulled through: "I panicked because I... felt certain things which made me feel ashamed. That was just the first excuse crossing my mind."

Raine turned a little more towards him. "We're friends now, Juice. You don't have to be ashamed of anything around me."

Juice dropped his eyes. That was easier said than done.

Suddenly, Raine turned towards him and caught his gaze. His hand slipped out of his pocket and shoved it up across Juice's side, settling between his ribs and hip bone. Juice sucked in his breath as he felt the caress across his skin. He felt so stressed, his legs started to shake.

"Look. I would lie if I told you I don't feel attracted to you. But what exactly do you feel, Juice? Are you just in the mood to kiss? Or are your feelings... more serious?"

Juice bent his head and stared at the hand that was still on his skin. His touch was gentler than it had been in his imagination. "After the fundraiser, Mouse told me I that was in love with you. And I – I think she's right. Even when I – when I've never been into guys before." Although his cheeks were reddening again, he forced himself to look up. "And I'm scared you don't want to be friends anymore, because of these feelings."

"Why wouldn't I want to be friends anymore?"

Awkwardly, Juice shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know. Maybe you think it's disgusting."

"I'm not homophobic. I told you I kissed a guy myself."

"But you called it a blunder."

"Because it wasn't my intention. It wasn't about the fact that it was a guy. It might just as well have been some granny; that wouldn’t have meant that I'm not into girls in general."

"So... you're also bisexual?" he asked quietly.

"I dunno. Maybe." He lifted the corner of his mouth. "Probably. Since a part of me is dying to kiss you."

Juice had the feeling the butterflies in his stomach were lifting him up and he was floating in the air. "You – you do?" he stammered.

"Yeah," he answered softly. His thumb brushed slightly over his skin, spreading goose bumps across his body. "But I think it's better if we don't kiss. For now. I'm not sure where that longing is coming from. Maybe it's just curiosity, or maybe that longing to be friends with you is just absurdly strong. Or maybe I do have feelings for you. I don't know – I've never thought about kissing you before today. I don't want to give you hope if what you're wishing for might never happen. And I'm also afraid that it will ruin our friendship if it leads to nothing. I think it's better if we stay friends for now. Until we feel just as comfortable around each other as you feel around Skye, and then we can figure out what to do from there." He smiled a bit nervous. "What do you think?"

"Yeah, sounds like a plan," Juice admitted. He wasn't disappointed; he thought it was a wise decision. Despite his feelings, he wasn't sure he wanted to be in a relationship with a man – and truth to be told; a romance with a Mayan was even more complicated than a friendship.

"Let's just see what happens, okay? Let's just be open about it."

Juice nodded, an optimistic smile spreading on his face. Wherever this would lead to – as long as they went down that road together, he was fine with it.

A shiver of longing went through his body when Raine pulled his hand away. However, the heat ascended to his cheeks when Raine's fingers pressed against his chin, his thumb tracing Juice's bottom lip.

"But you better be careful with that smile of yours."

His voice sounded deeper. Low in his stomach, something contracted.

"Then you better not touch me like this," he said, a little hoarse.

Their eyes locked. "I know," he said softly. He dipped his head so their foreheads were resting against each other.

His lips were so close... It was the only thing Juice could think about. At the same moment, he realized he needed this tension to go away if he wanted this to work. Softly, he pressed his lips against Raine's, giving him a small kiss. The man's fingertips ghosted across his jawline, only slightly touching him.

Raine created a little more distance between their lips so he could kiss Juice himself; first on the corner of his mouth, then in the middle of it. A longing for more rushed through his veins. Still, he broke the kiss; he didn’t want to destroy a friendship by diving into this, only to find out later one of them wasn't really into it.

Nervously, he pursed his lips as he shyly looked at Raine. "Sorry," he said. "I just..."

"Had to take away the tension."

He nodded, relieved Raine had felt that too.

"I think it was good. We'll see how manically this kiss is going to haunt me," he smirked. He squeezed Juice's shoulder. "I think I'm heading home. Don't think you can handle much more stress, right?"

"The worst is over now," he muttered. Nevertheless, he turned towards the door and led Raine to the living room.

Skye was sitting on the couch, her phone in her hands. Her way too wide grin told him she knew exactly what had happened on the balcony.

"I gotta go," Raine said to Skye.

She got up. "Yeah." She gave him a squeezing tight hug. "Thanks for today. It was fun."

"Thank you too." He kissed her cheek. "See you soon."

Juice walked him to the door. Their embrace was way more intimate than their first hug had been, and it took Juice a hell of an effort to let go of him.

"Skye told me you have my number," Raine said, putting on his kutte. "Just text me when you wanna hang out."

Juice nodded eagerly.

Raine gave him a smile that made his knees feel weak, then Raine picked up his helmet and closed the door.

Juice had the feeling his heart was dancing in his chest when he returned to the living room.

Mouse almost ran towards him, jumping in his arms. "Oh my god!! I saw you kiss!"

"Were you spyin' on us?"

"Of course I was! I ship you two so hard, I was way too curious."

"It was just a kiss on the lips," Juice muttered. He slipped a hand into his pocket. "It's not what you think, we're not going to date. He told me he doesn't know what he feels for me – whether it's curiosity, or strong feelings of friendship or more... and he's afraid it will ruin our friendship if we... try something while ending up with one of us hurt. So... For now, we'll be just friends and we'll see if it will change in the future."

Mouse smiled, giving him another tight hug. "He's perfect for you baby. He already knows you so well, he knows what you need... I think it's great that you're not rushing into anything; that you take the time to figure out how to deal with each other and your clubs, before you're going to explore your feelings." She pulled back a little, looking at him. "Or do you mind waiting?"

He shook his head. "No. I'm not even sure if it's something I want. Coming out and shit like that... I just know it will make me an outcast in our world. The biker who's gay." He sighed softly. "But I'm glad I don't have to hide my feelings around him. It will save me a hell of a lot of stress." He raked his fingers through her purple hair, kissing her forehead. "Thanks Mouse. For encouraging me to be honest with him."

"Always baby." Her arms slid around him and her cheek rested against his chest. "I will always be there for you, Juice."

He held her tight. "I'll always be there for you too, Mouse."


	11. Intoxicating

"Dude. You really need to see a doctor." Esai hoisted himself on a bar stool.

Raine frowned as he looked at his friend. "Uhh?"

"That hot chick over there has been trying to get your attention for like an hour, but you don't even notice. I haven't seen you with one of the girls in ages. Got some problems down there?"

Raine hadn't even noticed he hadn't gotten laid in a week. He didn't even miss it. There had been more episodes in his life where he hadn't been in the mood to have sex; especially when his sister wasn't doing great or when there were other things troubling his mind, but never before someone else had pointed it out.

Right now however, Rosa was stable. Actually there was only one change in his life; Juice. Was he the reason? Would it hurt him if Raine slept with a girl? He couldn't exactly avoid sex for the rest of his life, just to keep his friend happy.

He still needed to get used to the idea that the man had fallen in love with him. Until he'd entered his apartment, he hadn't suspected anything, but now he had felt Juice's longing, he understood him much better.

He didn't mind, he’d told him.

Well – he _didn't _mind, but it was tough at times. A week had passed since they'd kissed. They hung out two times since, and there had been some expectant tension between them. As if they both wanted more, but knew it would be unwise.

Yes, both – he too.

If Juice believed that he was the only one who was confused, he was very wrong. Raine however, didn't want to admit it because he knew Juice needed someone who could tell him what they should and shouldn't do. And so, he needed to keep himself in check – although he was plagued by fantasies every now and then. Maybe that was the reason why he was avoiding the ladies; because he was afraid to discover that their bodies started to bore him, or because a sexual act would call up a longing he could only ignore.

To what could it really lead? Sure – they could experiment and explore each other's bodies. But he considered Juice a friend – someone who could become a really close friend – and when they became fuck buddies it would be in the way of a friendship. In the end one of them would long for more, or perhaps they both would, and then what? Between friends there was a certain distance, but between lovers? He wanted to be able to tell _everything _to his lover; he didn't want to pay attention to his words the whole time to make sure he didn't endanger his club. Their priorities would clash; it would lead to fights, to misunderstandings, to hurt feelings. It would be a constant fight, where he would wonder how Juice would deal with it. Maybe later they could find a way to make it work, because it wasn't impossible, he knew that. There were more couples in which one of them had a profession for which secrecy was required. That however, was something he only wanted to think about when their feelings didn't fade with time; when they discovered that a close friendship was making them unhappy.

He became aware of his surroundings again; Esai looked at him with raised eyebrows.

"I met someone," he said honestly, because he knew his friend would keep fishing for an explanation otherwise. "I'm not sure if it will lead to something. She's... not ready for a relationship, but I don't need other girls in the meantime, you know?"

Esai showed him a way too wide grin. "You mean you're _in love_?" His friend roared with laughter when Raine's cheeks got hot. "C'mon man, tell me about her!"

He shrugged his shoulders a little awkwardly. Something fluttered in his stomach as he thought back to their brief kiss, and he remembered how amazing Juice's skin had felt underneath his fingers; how he had held his breath when they'd looked into each other's eyes.

But these were things he couldn't tell Esai.

"We're just takin' things slow."

Esai tilted his head a little. "Dude – you're serious about this chick, huh? Are you like... dating? Have you fucked her yet?"

"Taking things slow – I said. We kissed." _Kind of_. "Tomorrow she's coming to my place to meet Rosa."

"Aah, Rosa can see her but I can't?" He started to smirk. "Afraid she loses interest in you once she sees me?"

"Something like that." In his mind, he saw how Esai was trying to hit on Juice – it was rather more hilarious than threatening.

"I get it. But don't wait too long man. I'm fuckin' curious."

"You're the first to know if it gets serious, okay?"

"Good." He slid off his bar stool. "But if you're going to ignore that pretty little thing over there, I'm going to cheer her up."

"Have fun." He pulled his phone out of his pocket, opened the chat with Juice and hesitated. He didn't know what to tell him, but nevertheless the urge to text him was there. Yet, after a few seconds, he put the device back in his pocket – he didn't want to look like a stalker. Furthermore, he could see a curious Esai watch over his shoulder. Just to be safe, he had saved Juice's number under "Julia", but it was better to take no risks.

* * *

Raine perked up when the doorbell rang; since he had put Sasha to bed he had looked at the clock every fucking five minutes to see if it was already 7. He tried to push away his excitement – for all Rosa knew, they were just friends. Knowing her, she would submit him to a psychological evaluation the moment she realized he felt something for the man, and that was the last thing he wanted. Taking a deep breath, he entered the hallway and opened the front door.

"Hey!" Juice's smile was small, but it still made the blood rush through Raine's veins.

"Hey, come in."

To be safe, Juice wasn't wearing his kutte. The only time Raine had seen him without it was when he had visited him at home; that night he hadn't worn a shirt at all. It made him look younger, without that thing that commanded a certain degree of respect.

Juice closed the door and they got tangled up in an embrace he had secretly looked forward to all day. Every time they were holding each other, his heart was raging like crazy, making him feel more alive than ever. The first time after their kiss, he hadn't known how long a hug should continue, but right now he shoved the question to the side and just enjoyed the feel of his hard chest against his.

Fuck – he smelled so good.

"You tryin' to impress my sister with that cologne?"

The scent messed with his head, it intoxicated him.

"Maybe it's you I'm trying to impress," he answered.

Raine knew his friend was grinning when he started to pull away from him. Raine however, wasn't ready to let go of him; his arm slipped from his shoulders down to his lower back and he bent his head a little.

"You're fucking intoxicating," he grunted. It felt like there were clouds floating through his head; he had no idea what he was doing but suddenly his lips touched Juice's neck. His intoxicating scent was burning on his lips as he pressed them against the warm skin.

Juice gasped for breath, encouraging him to gently suck his flesh. Raine thought about all the other ways he could make Juice gasp. Images flashed before his eyes; images causing an intense heat inside him, resulting in a hell of a boner. The moment he discovered that he wasn't the only one who was turned on, he sucked in his breath. This was something he had never felt before; something he'd never wanted to feel before, but it was exciting and new, and he pressed himself closer against the man.

Raine knew he had to stop. This was only confusing for his friend. For him too – but dealing with his confusion was easier for him. Reluctantly, he pulled back his face.

Juice's cheeks were a bright red, his breathing tense. Raine felt his own face becoming warmer too.

"Sorry," he muttered. "I guess I missed you." He was close to hitting himself because he had gotten carried away. This was a border he had crossed – this wasn't something normal friends did.

His eyes met Juice's. The longing that was churning inside them made his mouth dry. Had there ever been anyone who looked at him like that?

"I didn't mind," he said quietly. He fidgeted nervously with his shirt, as if he was afraid that Raine would tell him he didn’t like to kiss him like that.

"I noticed," he said with a slight smirk. "But this isn't what friends are supposed to do, right?"

"No," he admitted, his voice barely audible. He stared at the ground.

Raine swallowed a sigh. "Sorry," he said once more. "This was a stupid move. I don't want to make things even more complicated."

"It's okay," Juice said, this time more determined. He held Raine's gaze. "It's like when I kissed you. It just happened, and I think we'll make things unbelievably hard for ourselves if we're going to ignore all of our feelings." His hands slipped into his pockets. "I agree with what you said. That we should focus on our friendship for now and that maybe later, we can see if we can be more than friends. I'm not afraid that you'll change your mind because of something like this. Maybe we shouldn't turn this into a habit, but I don’t think we should make a big deal of it. And now – please introduce me to your sister!"

Rained stared at him. It had been a speech he could have given himself. It only increased his longing for this man; his determination was quite a turn on. At the same time, it took away the tension, for which Raine was grateful. He slapped a strong hand on his shoulder. "You're right!"

He entered the living room, his friend right behind him.

"Well... this is Rosa. Rosa, this is Juice."

The two shook hands. His friend's face told him how startled he was by how weak she looked.

"Hi Juice." Rosa's smile was shaky. "I'm so happy to meet you. You're a bigger support than my brother probably dares to admit, and I'm very grateful to you."

This time, it was Raine who pressed his lips together, feeling shy. His eyes shot to Juice, who was smiling from ear to ear.

"Nice to meet you, too," Juice said. "He told me a lot about you."

Raine went to the kitchen to get the three of them a drink, then he sat down on the couch. Only when their legs were touching, Raine realized he sat a little too close to Juice. Quickly, he scooted aside.

The two were talking about the fundraiser Juice had suggested to organize.

"I brought it to the table this week. They all thought it was a great idea." For a moment, Raine lifted his hand to put in on Juice's knee, like he would have done if this was a date. Luckily, he realized what he was about to do in time and spread his fingers across his own knee. "We plan to do it within six weeks."

"Cool!" Juice said. "Let me know when you need help!"

They discussed some ideas. It was a conversation without awkward silences, and he was surprised to feel so relieved that Juice and his sister got along so well. Suddenly, Juice tensed.

A few seconds went by before Raine realized what made him cramp up; a motorcycle was driving by. He wanted to convince him it was just a passer-by; the rumbling however, became louder and was clearly caused by a Harley.

He got up, walked to the window and peeked past the curtain. His insides froze.

"Fucking Esai," he grumbled, as his friend parked his bike next to Juice's and took off his helmet. 


	12. Medieval Times

At first, Raine was tempted to simply not open the door. Through the window however, he noticed that his friend had seen the Reaper on Juice's Harley, for he pulled his gun. He wouldn't leave before he had seen someone. 

He stepped away from the window. Juice had jumped up, his breathing went fast, announcing a panic attack. By reflex, Raine laid a hand against his lower back. 

"Hey, I got this. Don't panic. Go upstairs and turn on the shower; I'll tell him there's some hot chick waitin' for me."

"Wouldn't he want to see her?" Juice asked in a tiny voice. 

"I don't care what he wants. I'll talk myself out of this." He searched for Juice's eyes, which were wide in panic. "I got this," he stressed. "Wait upstairs until I get you, okay?"

On a whim, he pressed his lips against Juice's, then he gently pushed him towards the stairs. His mouth was tingling and a blush crept to his cheeks, as he realized he had kissed the man right before his sister's eyes. 

Juice ran up the stairs, at the same moment the door bell rung. His eyes shot to Rosa, who answered his glance in surprise. 

"Esai can't know," he told her. "That I'm friends with a Son."

"Friends, huh?" she asked with a slight smirk. 

"Knowing that I'm in love with him will only make things worse," he added. 

He was shocked by his own words. Quickly, he headed to the hallway, while he tried to shake off all his chaotic thoughts. Was he really in love? A few days ago he had been doubting it; he thought that it was just curiosity or a longing to some close friendship... but was he _in love_? 

It didn't matter. Not now. Taking a deep breath, he opened the door. 

"Hey..." His glance slid across his friend's face and rested upon the gun. "What's that for?"

Esai looked past him. "Is there a Son inside? I swear to god – if they're threatening Rosa..." He began to walk past him, but Raine stopped him by pushing a hand against his chest. 

"It's not what you think. Rosa isn't in danger – and you know she hates weapons."

"Then what is that bike doin' there?" Suspiciously, Esai looked him in the eye. "You act fuckin' weird."

"Skye took it. The girl I'm dating. Her car was actin' up, so she borrowed her boyfriend's bike."

Esai's eyes almost popped out of their sockets. "What the hell? You fuck a Son's old lady?" He started to laugh. "Fuck, this is hilarious."

Raine relaxed a little. He leaned against the doorway. "That's why it's all so mysterious. They’ve been together for a while now, she wanted something else... but she's not sure she wants to break up with him." He shrugged his shoulders. "I don't mind. I like the tension."

Esai's glance slid back to the bike. "Who's her boyfriend?"

"I think his name is Juice."

Esai chuckled. "Yeah – I'm not surprised. Always found him a pussy. If he doesn't know that his girl is gettin' banged by someone else, he's even more stupid than I thought. I wouldn't be surprised if he's a faggot. No wonder he can't keep his girl satisfied."

Raine's jaw tensed. If he'd felt guilty about lying to his friend's face, the feeling was gone now. His fingers clenched into a fist, but Esai was too self-inflicted at his conclusion to notice. 

He walked past Raine and headed for the living room. 

"She's showerin'," Raine said. "She came right after work. She's working with weak-minded people – she always wants to shower because she's covered in saliva or somethin'."

"Weak minded people," Esai chuckled. "No wonder she's into Juicy boy."

That was the last straw. He grabbed his friend's shoulder and swung him against the wall. Esai's head hit a picture frame, which fell down and scattered on the ground. 

"What did you say?" he grumbled, his face close to Esai's. 

Esai pushed against his chest. "Don't get all riled up man; I was jokin'. I didn't mean you're retarded too because she's interested in you. Although I'm second guessing that now, asshole."

Raine took a deep breath. Anger was still churning inside him, but if he didn't want to make things worse, he had to keep himself in control. He stepped away from Esai, who gave him an angry glare. Raine swallowed – he better not fuck this up. 

"Anyway, I'll wait until she's done showering." Esai continued his walk to the living room and kissed Rosa's cheek while greeting her. 

"I promised her other things than your ugly face when she's done showering," Raine answered. He glanced at the clock. "We have a little more than an hour before her boyfriend expects her home, so I'm not going to waste my time by satisfying your curiosity."

Esai wiggled his eyebrows. "No, bet you’d rather satisfy _her. _Fine – show her that Sons are inferior to us in bed, too. Dating a Son's old lady – you're fucking crazy, you know that?" Esai laughed, slapping his shoulder. "I love it. You better not start a war over a girl."

Raine shrugged his shoulders. "It's not like they're married or something. Now – fuck off. I got better things to do, and Rosa is too tired to listen to your bullshit."

Esai turned his head aside. Rosa's head was leaning against a pillow and her eyes were half closed. 

"Sorry Esai," she said quietly. "To me, 8 o'clock feels like midnight."

"Sorry," Esai said quickly. "Next time, I'll be here earlier, okay?"

Rosa yawned and nodded, giving him a weak smile. 

Raine bit back a smirk and walked Esai to the door. 

"Well – have fun tonight," Esai smirked. 

"Thanks."

He closed the door before his friend could add another word. In the hallway, he waited until Esai took off, then he returned to the living room. 

"Thanks," he said to his sister. "I thought he would never leave."

Her eyes were worried. "If this comes out... that's a really bad thing, right?" 

"It is," he sighed. He ran a hand across his head, then he gestured to the stairs. "I'm going to tell him the coast is clear."

He went up the stairs, walked past Sasha's bedroom and the spare room he was using. Juice wasn't there. 

Probably, he had believed the bathroom was the safest place to stay. The door wasn't locked, so he swung it open. "He's gone..."

"Dude!" Quickly, Juice turned away from him. 

For a few seconds, Raine was frozen to the spot. Not for a moment, had it occurred to him that Juice might _really _take a shower. 

"The door wasn't locked," he said with a grin. "Was this an invitation?" With his shoulder, he leaned against the doorway. Through the foggy glass, he could see the outline of the backside of Juice's body. 

"No," he answered. "Get outta here."

Chuckling, Raine took some steps back and closed the door. He went to his room, sat down on the bed and listened to the water that was pouring down. His heart rate sped up as he thought about the image he had just seen – and worsened as the longing to join him in the shower was filling him. 

It didn't take long before the water was turned off. A few minutes later Juice entered the room. Apart from his feet, he was fully clothed. 

"I didn't know you were actually showering," Raine said, who didn't want Juice to think that he had wanted to spy on him. 

"I had to do something, I was freaking out. Taking a shower often helps."

"Well – at least I now know you have a nice ass," he teased. 

"Could have told you that myself," he answered with a cocky grin, surprising Raine and making the blood in his veins boil. Something stirred in his stomach; something making his fingers tingle because he was dying to touch the man. "So what do you think? Can I sit down next to you or will that be risky, on a bed while you undoubtedly have all kinds of impure thoughts about me?"

Raine's throat felt dry. His somewhat arrogant demeanour was a fucking turn on. "I'll keep my hands to myself, but I can't do much about those fantasies."

Juice sat down next to him. "As long as you keep 'em to yourself."

"And what if I don't?" The atmosphere around them almost crackled with electricity as he looked Juice in the eye, leaning into him and whispering: "What are you gonna do if I tell you about all the things I wanna do with you?"

The man didn't look away. "Then I will remind you that sharing those fantasies would be very inappropriate within a friendship."

With a frustrated grunt Raine fell back on the bed. As wise as his former words had sounded, right now he wanted to forget about them; he wanted to surrender to the strong feelings Juice called up. He didn't want to be sneaky;he didn't want to have to lie to his friends.

He felt how Juice turned towards him. "You okay? You think Esai suspects something?"

"No, I told him I'm dating your old lady. He liked the idea, and I told him we had one hour before she was expected home."

"Smart move. What was he doin' here, anyway?"

Raine shoved a hand underneath his head while he kept staring at the ceiling. "Yesterday he noted that it had been at least a week since I'd gotten laid, so I told him I was dating a girl. He kept digging and for some stupid reason, I told him she would meet my sister today."

"You haven't gotten laid in a week?" He sounded surprised. 

There was a nasty feeling in his stomach at the thought that Juice clearly had fucked around. 

"Why not?"

"Why do you think," Raine grunted. 

Juice didn't answer. 

"I'm in love, too," he admitted. He squeezed his eyes shut. "I realized it a moment ago." Sighing, he sat up. 

Juice studied his face. Raine wasn't happy about his discovery – there was no missing that. "Okay," he said eventually. "Well – it doesn't matter, right? That doesn't mean something needs to change."

No, it indeed didn't change anything. Nobody would ever accept them. They would have to hide their relationship their whole lives, and he didn't want to. Staying friends was the only choice they had – even though he wanted more. 

"I hate it," he said quietly. "It feels like we're living in the fucking Middle Ages. One of us a believer, the other a heretic." He rubbed his face and let out a deep sigh. "Oh – and we're also gay. As if we wanna be sure there's place for us at the fucking stake."


	13. One Last Kiss

Juice didn't answer immediately, instead he let Raine's words settle. The words "I'm in love, too", kept echoing through his head. Despite their difficult situation, it made the tingling’s rush through his veins.

"We could leave," he said eventually. He bit his lip. It was a very drastic measure, of which he didn't know whether he would ever want or dare to take that step. His cheeks started to flush as his friend looked at him. "I don't mean anytime soon... But imagine that our feelings won't go away... then we could confess to our clubs that we're in love and that we want to be together. Stressing that we understand their disapproval and that patching out might be the only way."

"How do you think that will go?" Raine sighed. "They will feel betrayed. We choose someone of another club over our own club."

"It would be a compromise." If it turned out that he really loved Raine and that hiding his feelings from the world was making him unhappy, he wanted to believe that his brothers cared enough about him to want him to be happy; even when he had to pay a heavy price for it. He bent his head. "I'm not sure I could," he said honestly. "The club is everything I have and I... I'm not good in relationships. If things don’t work out like we hope... we have given up the most important thing in our lives for it. But it could be an option... one day."

Raine rubbed his temples. "I had intended not to think about this at all, anytime soon."

"Then we won't. We'll put it to rest for a couple of months, okay? We're not making a decision anytime soon anyway; we wanted to build a friendship first." His fingers cramped. He stretched out his hand to Raine's. Very lightly, his fingertips stroked the back of Raine's hand. For a moment, he thought the man wanted to pull his arm away; then he turned his hand, his palm upwards.

Juice hesitated, then he pulled back his arm himself and sighed.

"I think I need firm borders," he said quietly. His head already felt heavy because of the constant fight in it. What was he allowed to do, what not? Which affect did their touches have; was it making things easier or more difficult for them? "I know I said that we might unnecessarily make things harder for ourselves by blocking all our feelings... but every time I touch you I want more." A little nervous, he pursed his lips. He felt safe enough around Raine to tell him the truth, but it wasn't easy.

"I feel the same." Raine smiled a little sadly. "I kissed you twice today, both times unintentionally. Maybe we should stick to a hug. Don't do things we wouldn't do with others?"

Juice thought about the electricity he had felt when they touched, and he remembered how heavenly Raine's lips had felt on his neck. Something had awakened inside him; something that had never been there, and even now he recalled the touches in his memory, a tingling wave rolled over him. Yet, he nodded. "Yeah... I guess that's for the best."

Raine kept his glance as if he wanted to decide whether he was speaking the truth or not. "One last kiss?" he asked, a shy smile on his lips. "Would you mind? Just to make sure we won't wonder for the rest of our lives how it would have been?"

Suddenly his mouth felt dry. "You mean – a real one?"

The Mayan lifted the corner of his mouth. "Or are you not ready yet to kiss a man?"

It indeed was something he wouldn't have wanted a few weeks ago. Now however, his tongue already started to tingle at the thought of it. "Yes I do," he whispered. "I do want to kiss you."

Although Juice had kissed with so many girls he had lost count years ago, he suddenly felt so nervous, It felt like his very first kiss.

Raine turned a little more towards him. His brown eyes found Juice's and when their eyes locked, the nervousness faded. The Mayan lifted his hand and cupped Juice's jaw, his middle finger resting upon the top of his ear. The skin underneath it was tingling and he closed his eyes. As if that had been a sign Raine waited for, he pressed his lips against Juice's.

Juice's fingers glided to the back of Raine's neck, as if he was afraid that the man would change his mind. The pressure of his lips wasn't compelling, but he was determined. He laid a kiss on Raine's bottom lip. His nose slightly brushed the other's, making him tilt his head a little. Raine moved his hand, his thumb grazing over his auricle. Goosebumps traveled down his neck. His lips parted. With his tongue, he traced Raine's bottom lip until his tongue found the other. Tenderly they swirled around. It was no hot, desperate kiss; rather a careful one; one full of emotion. Every stroke made him glow on the inside. His fingers glided across the muscles in Raine's neck; his other hand laid against the side of the man's head.

He didn't know which of them broke the kiss; maybe they both felt instinctively, that it was better to stop. The taste of the man was still tingling on his tongue, sending warm waves through his whole body.

There was no disappointment waiting for him because it might have been the last time. In some weird manner it was a comfort, knowing they shared something so deep. Something fragile, which they wanted to treat very carefully.

"For a Son, you're not a bad kisser," Raine said with a slight smirk. "Although, you're not that good that I'm gonna miss it." His eyes were sparkling.

"Liar." He laid his hand across Raine's chest and felt his pounding heart. "The only reason you ain't gonna miss it, is because your heart can't take it if we do it more often."

"That's just an act. I don't wanna hurt your ego."

Juice felt the longing to kiss him again; instead he shoved back a little. "My ego got a real boost today because even _a man_ was begging a kiss from me."

"Begging?" Raine huffed, nudging his shoulder. "I was doing you a favor."

Chuckling, Juice got up; even though there was a large pile of stones in his stomach, threatening to pull down the corners of his mouth.

The moment they both left the room, they knew it had been their last kiss.

In the weeks that followed, they didn't mention it again.

They were friends – just friends.

* * *

Weeks passed by. Juice helped with the preparations of the fundraiser, although he couldn't be present on the day itself. Twice a week, he visited Raine's home. There were no more intimate moments; they made sure there were always other family members around and when Raine came to his home, Mouse was keeping them company. They however, still had their deep conversations, often by the end of the day. If a sudden longing did announce itself, it was easier to leave. Somehow, the men found a way to push back their feelings and it seemed to go a little easier every day.

At least, that was what they showed each other.

For deep inside Juice, it felt like a piece of him was missing. A piece only Raine had access to and which he had hidden safely. Something the man cherished and with which he was careful – but which he didn't dare to return, nor to place back himself. And as time went by, it felt like he didn't even dare to mention it anymore.

As if not speaking about their feelings would take them away.

* * *

Juice checked his munition and shoved his gun behind his waistband. Weapons would be delivered today. A first delivery from a new party; like always it caused some stress. Meetings like that were always hard to predict; it wouldn't be the first time that expectations were not met by one of the parties.

He just left the clubhouse when his phone rang. Since he was the handler, he expected it to be a confirming call from their supplier, but when he took the device out of his pocket he realized it wasn't his burner.

A strange feeling settled in his stomach as he read Raine's name – he never called during the day. Unrest spread through his body as he pressed the phone against his ear. "Hey."

"Hey." The man sounded quiet, fragile. His breathing heavy, Juice even thought to hear him sniffle.

"Are you okay?"

"No." Now, he was clearly sobbing. "I – I just needed to hear your voice, even though you can't come over. I – Rosa is... Rosa died."

"W-what?" Juice froze. A few days, ago Rosa had been hospitalized because of an infection. Yesterday, things seemed to get better but now...

"Her heart just stopped," he whispered.

Tears jumped into Juice's eyes. The news hit him like a freight train.

"Juice!" His brothers were already on their bikes; Jax gave him an impatient look.

Juice gestured for them to leave and turned away from them, as he wiped the tears from his eyes. He couldn't break down now, Raine needed him.

"I can come to you."

"No, you can't Juice. My brothers are already on their way, Esai's here..."

Juice breathed in sharply. He felt so lost, knowing his friend went through hell, while there was nothing he could do to help him.

"Juice..." This time it was Chibs who showed up next to him. "Wha's goin' on lad?"

Juice felt how he started to shake. "It's not fair," he whispered. "It's so fucking unfair..."

"Juice!" Chibs' voice sounded compelling.

It seemed to startle Raine, for he ended the call. Tears were clouding Juice's eyes. Lost, he looked at Chibs, as if the man could tell him what to do.

But there was nothing he could do, for nobody could know they knew each other. It was so fucking unfair.

His stomach hurt, he was staggering on his feet.

"Aye, Juicy," Chibs soothed, and the next moment the Scot pulled him into his arms and held him tight.


	14. Consolation

At any other moment, Juice might have welcomed his brother's embrace. Now it felt oppressive. He longed for Raine; he wanted to wrap his arms around his friend, pull him close to his chest. Accepting he couldn't, was one of the toughest things he had ever done. If it was up to him, he would have driven to the hospital right away, finding a place where they could meet secretly. He however, knew it would only worse the stress his friend felt. He had told Juice not to come, and he had to respect his wishes. 

Chibs pulled back his arms. "Wha's goin' on Juicy?"

A few tears slipped between his eyelashes. Roughly, he wiped his shoulder across his cheek. "My friend's sister... she died. He... he called me."

He noticed the small frown between Chibs' eyebrows. He could hear him think. _What friend? Since when does Juice have friends, besides us and Skye? _

"Did he ask you to come?"

Juice shook his head and sniffed. "No," he said quietly. "He – he just informed me."

Chibs held his glance and squeezed his shoulder. "We will handle this. You better not be distracted."

Juice wiped his eyes and nose, nodding. Then he pulled his burner out of his pocket and handed it to Chibs. The man pulled him into a hug once more; then he turned to the others, who were casting questioning glances at him. 

Juice bent his head and shoved his boot across the ground. He felt weak because he couldn't shake this off. But he wasn't like the others, who could shove their feelings to the side like they meant nothing. 

A loud rumbling rose as the bikes started to leave the lot. 

Juice went home. Mouse was working. Unexpectedly heavy, the loneliness hit him; making him wish he had gone with the guys, so he would have had at least some distraction. But he couldn't look weak or unstable – not when they were negotiating with a new ally. 

He grabbed his phone to text Raine. _You wanna meet me tonight? _His fingers floated above the screen. After a short hesitation he added: _I can stay with you tonight if you like?_

For a long time, he stared at his phone. No answer came. Had he been too forward? Nervously, he scratched the inside of his wrist. What if he took this the wrong way? He hadn't wanted to suggest spending the night together; he had pictured himself on the couch or something...

He squeezed his eyes. _Don't drive yourself crazy, _he told himself. _Right now, he has other things on his mind than answering a pile of texts. _

To distract himself he started his PlayStation; redirecting his emotions into aggression, making him hammer the buttons while killing pixels. He was so immersed in it that he jolted when fingers stroked his Mohawk. 

"How long have you been sitting here?" Mouse's voice sounded. 

Shrugging his shoulders, he continued to play. 

"Pause it."

Sighing like a spoiled brat, he obeyed. She knelt down in front of him and looked up to him. "Your eyes are red. What happened Juice?"

He looked into her eyes, feeling the despair return. "Rosa."

Her name left his lips in a whisper. Only now, he realized how sore his throat felt – he hadn't been aware of how thirsty he was. It must have been hours since he drank something. 

"She – she died. And I – I can’t do nothing to help him." His bottom lip started to quiver. 

She sat down next to him and wrapped her arms around him. "That's horrible. Were they able to say goodbye?"

"I don't know. I could only say a few words to him before Chibs interrupted us. He – he wanted to hear my voice. I feel so horrible for not being able to be there for him, Mouse. I can't – I can't even go to her funeral."

"Of course you can. We'll just pretend Rosa was my friend in high school. As far as they know you're my boyfriend, so it's not that strange if you come with me for support. Plus, I'm convinced that they have enough decency not to make comments about someone's presence at a funeral. 

Shakily, he breathed out. The thought that he could at least be near Raine, calmed him down a little – at least enough to get up and get himself something to drink. 

As he returned to the living room, the screen of his phone was lighting up. Quickly he took it from the table and read the text. His heart was racing in his chest. 

_Esai will be around the next few days, so that's not an option. I don't know right now, I'm sorry. _

The disappointment was sharp like a razor. He couldn't swallow the lump in his throat. His fingers were trembling as he typed: _I wish I could be there for you. _

He held his breath as he noticed that Raine was typing a reply. Was he pushy? He didn't know how to interpret his friend's last sentence. _I know. _

Juice swallowed once more. There was pit in his stomach. Should he reply? 

The screen lit up again. _But even when you're not here, you're a great help. Thinking about you calms me down a little. Even when it makes me miss you more. _

Despite the horrible situation, something warm roared in his stomach. A strange feeling spread through his limbs. _I miss you, too, _he wrote back. 

Then he bent his head, not knowing what more he could say. 

* * *

Raine felt exhausted. The hours passed by in a blur. Even at the moments he wasn't arranging things, his mind was restless. He only slept a few hours, being a victim of total collapse. These were the heaviest days of his life; there were tons of people he needed to talk to while he wanted to be alone. His father was a mess, little Sasha didn't understand what was happening... Sammy did all she could to help, but her sudden crying jags were worsening each day and her grief made her forgetful, so Raine couldn't fully rely on her. He didn't blame her – it broke his heart to see her like this. It was a small relief that Esai took care of her, but every time he saw how his best friend wrapped an arm around his sister's shoulders, he missed an arm around his own shoulders. 

Not Esai's arm, but Juice's. 

They texted each other a few times a day, but it didn't make him miss him any less. 

Today was the day of the funeral – maybe he could visit Juice thereafter. He felt ashamed of his thoughts, but for a little while he really wanted to be away from his family and not feel responsible for them. This morning, his uncle and aunt from Santo Padre had arrived, they would look after Sasha. Yet, he didn't ask Juice since he had no idea how he felt after the funeral. Maybe he just wanted to sleep. 

It became a tough, emotional day. The memorial was beautiful, but all he could do was stare forward numbly. The farewell speech he had written, he read almost emotionless. He didn't cry during the memorial; he wanted to be strong for his family. He would allow the tears once he was alone. 

When the memorial was over, it was time for the funeral. Raine lifted Sasha and put her on his hip, while he wrapped an arm around his sister's shoulders as they walked to the exit. People respectfully bent their heads but he stared at the door. He couldn't stand another sympathetic glance. 

The rain wasn't pouring down, like he had seen in movies. It was a beautiful day; the sun was shining and the birds were chirping like this was just an ordinary day. As if the world didn't care that his little sister was no longer here. 

In a silent procession, they walked to the grave. He and his closest family members right after the coffin, his brothers not far behind him. Their presence was a great help, but at the same time, they also kept away the person he needed the most. 

The paths around the grave filled up. He didn't know all the faces, but they radiated the same defeat. Suddenly, he caught a glimpse of purple hair. He stepped a little to the side to look past a tall man and discovered that his first impression had been right; it was Skye. His eyes shot to the person who had wrapped an arm around her waist. 

Juice. 

His glance was answered immediately. He wasn't wearing his kutte and had put a baseball cap on his head. Although most people wouldn't wear it to a funeral, it attracted less attention than his head tats and Mohawk would have done. His lips were trembling as he gave Raine a sad smile. He looked unsure, as if he doubted Raine wanted him around. 

Raine felt a cramping sensation in his chest. His body longed for his warmth and he knew he couldn't immerse himself in it right now. To make sure he wouldn't lose himself in his pain, he purposefully didn't look into Juice's direction anymore as the ceremony proceeded.

* * *

Juice's stomach hurt. Funerals weren't nice events in itself, but having the feeling that you were unwanted, made everything worse. Although Raine had briefly looked at him, he hadn't turned his head towards them after that. All Juice could think, was that this was a big mistake and that he had invaded too deeply into his friend's personal space. He had hoped his presence would give him strength – he couldn't have been more wrong. 

He should have simply asked him – if he wanted him around. He however, hadn't wanted to cause him more stress; Raine had enough trouble on his mind. A few Mayans had recognized him, but the moment he had rubbed Skye's back in a soothing gesture, they understood she had been the one to know Rosa and that he was not a threat. 

The ceremony came to an end. Slowly, people started to move. His fingers were shaking as he searched for Skye's hand, who gave him an encouraging squeeze. In his other hand, he was holding a bouquet of flowers which he laid down on the grave. He stared at the red granite tombstone, to the cold letters. Tears stung in his eyes. Almost desperately he looked at Raine, but his friend avoided his glance. 

Pursing his lips, he walked away from the grave. 

"I shouldn't have come here," he whispered. "He wasn't comfortable with it."

Skye sighed softly. "Don't feel bad about it, sweetheart. Maybe you spooked him. But you also had a right to say your goodbyes to Rosa. You've come to know her pretty well, the past weeks."

Juice bent his head and shuffled to the parking lot. Right before his foot stepped on the concrete, his phone was buzzing. His heart skipped a beat as he saw a text from Raine. 

_Please don't leave. Could you wait until everyone's gone? _

A tear rolled down his cheek – this time caused by relief. _Yeah sure, _he answered. 

He showed the text to Skye, who gave him another squeeze. "He wants to be alone with you."

Even though it was inappropriate, he felt his cheeks flush. They retreated to the side of the parking lot. More and more people left the cemetery, the Mayans included. When Esai also walked by, an arm wrapped around Sammy while he was holding Sasha's hand, Skye gave him a little push. 

He slipped back on the path and walked back to the grave. 

Raine had crouched down in front of it as if his legs could no longer support him. Juice glanced around; they were alone. Gravel crunched underneath his boots as he neared his friend. When there were just a few steps left, his friend looked to the side and got up. His eyes were filled with tears. Raine turned towards him and wrapped his arms around him. Juice pulled him to his chest. The moment he closed his arms around the man, his shoulders started to shake and he started to cry, pressing his face against Juice's shoulder. 

Juice had noticed he hadn't shed a single tear today; only now he seemed ready to let go of his pain. He had no idea what he could do. Probably nothing. He just held his friend in his arms, stroking his back. 

Raine held him tighter as he started to cry harder. His pain was so raw, so intense... it cut him like a knife. Tears were burning in his own eyes and silently, they started to drip down. 

"I'm so sorry," he whispered. "I'm so sorry."

Sobbing, Raine took a deep breath, trying to control his breathing again. "Thank you for being here," he sniffed, wiping his sleeve across his eyes. His hands settled on Juice's hips and he rested his forehead against Juice's. The heat of his sadness made Juice shiver. His fingers were slightly trembling as he moved his hand to Raine's face and caressed his cheek. 

"When you didn't look at me anymore I thought you didn't want me around," he said quietly. 

"I already feared so." As Juice lowered his hand, Raine's fingers laced with those of him. "It hurt – being separated from you while you were so close. Not looking at you made it easier – I was afraid I would break otherwise and I wanted to be strong for Sammy and Sasha."

Juice's thumb brushed his friend's. Despite the fact that Raine called up such strong feelings inside him, it was hard to believe the same happened to his friend. That he was the one Raine wanted to be with right now; whose consolation he craved for. 

"Is your family waiting for you?" Juice asked hesitantly. 

"They will go to my father's place. I told them I need some time alone, the past days were a chaos. I... I need to recharge." He looked up to Juice. "Can I stay with you tonight?"

He didn't have to give it a thought. "Of course." His lips lingered on Raine's forehead, before his own forehead took their place again. "I would really like that."

Raine's arms glided around him, where after they lost themselves in an intimate embrace. "You have no idea how much you mean to me, Juice. For the first time since Rosa is gone, I have the feeling my heart is still beating. It feels like I can finally breathe again, without fearing to choke."

Juice closed his eyes when the words hit him like a truck. Never before had he had the feeling he really mattered; he always assumed that he was replaceable. Even for Mouse. It was a very surreal moment, hearing words like these – knowing that he was someone's tower of strength without doing anything. 

His presence was enough. 

Right at that moment, Juice promised himself to always be there for Raine. Whatever would come their way. 


	15. Lovers For One Night

Juice paced through the living room; staring out of the window every other minute to see if Raine was finally there. He wished they could have gone home together, but the chance of someone seeing them had been too big. Raine told him he would go home to change clothes, then he would leave. By now, Juice was home for 30 minutes and his anxiety was starting to bother him. Maybe Raine realized he’d rather be alone. Or maybe his head was filled with so much grief, that he didn't pay enough attention to his surroundings and laid down his bike. Clenching his fingers to a fist, he bit his knuckles, as if that could help him to send away the thought.

"Lovie... Please sit down with me." Mouse grabbed his hand and led him to the couch. "Why don't you cook something? I'm sure he's hungry."

"I don't think he'll be able to eat something," he muttered.

"He has too," Mouse answered determined.

Sighing softly, Juice headed for the kitchen and opened the refrigerator and the cupboards. He decided to make lasagne that would keep him busy for a while. His roommate helped him to cut the ingredients. Making dinner helped him to control his anxiety, but it didn't take away the feeling.

"What am I supposed to say to him when he's here, Mouse?" he asked quietly. "How do I behave around him? He obviously hopes to take solace in me. What if he can't find it? What if I'm only getting on his nerves? I want to help him so badly, but I don't know how. I don't – I don't even know where he has to sleep. Should I sleep on the couch?"

"I don't think he's looking for healing words, sweetheart. He just needs someone who makes him dinner, who gives him space to recover and who can hold him when he needs two arms around him." Reassuringly, she rubbed between his shoulders. "Just ask him what he wants, when he's tired. Whether he likes to have you around or rather sleeps alone. In the latter case, you come to me. There's enough room in my bed."

He bit on the corner of his pinky nail. "Staying with him is weird, don't you think?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "Why? I can imagine he craves for someone to hold."

The thought made him feel hot all over. Shame flashed through him; how could he even feel something like that after today? "But it's weird," he repeated softly. "We're just friends."

"We are also just friends," she winked. "But if we had buried a loved one of mine today, you would've found it completely normal to hold me during the night."

She had a point – but it was different. He knew Skye so well, she felt like a part of himself.

The doorbell dragged him out of his thoughts. Rushing to the door, he let Raine in. Relieved, they searched for each other's arms; Raine grateful for no longer being alone and Juice for his friend arriving in one piece.

A little awkwardly, Juice led him to the living room, not knowing what to say to him. Mouse greeted the Mayan with a hug, whispering softly to him.

Not knowing what to do, he turned to the oven; twenty more minutes before the lasagne was ready.

"I don't know if you're hungry," Juice said as he returned to the living room, seeing the two others had let go of each other. "But there's lasagne in the oven."

"Thanks. I haven't had a proper meal in days."

His face looked exhausted. Juice walked to the couch so his friend could sit. Raine flopped down next to him. Although there was quite some space left on the couch, Raine sat very close to him; there was only an inch between their legs. It made Juice nervous. Would the Mayan like a hand on his thigh? Should he hold his hand? Or didn't he realize how close he was sitting to Juice? In an attempt to divert his attention away from the bundle of nerves in his stomach, he cleared his throat.

"You relieved all the planning is over now?" he asked quietly, doubtful whether he should ask questions at all. Maybe it was better to distract him.

Raine sighed. "Those days were so chaotic... It still feels surreal. That she's gone, that I will never talk to her." His voice was trembling and he took a deep breath. A lump formed in Juice's throat and tears filled his eyes. "I was caring for Sasha for a while now, but now I'm officially her guardian. Now she's my responsibility." He bent his head. "And at the first day, I dump her on family."

"Don't think of it that way," Juice answered. "You gave _everything_ the past days. You need to get a hold of yourself before you can care for someone else. I think it's wise you took some time for yourself. You know she's in good hands."

Raine looked at him, a small smile on his lips. "Thank you for letting me stay here tonight, Juice." He glanced at Skye, he wanted to thank her too. She however, was busy in the kitchen.

"The door is always open for you," Juice said, and he meant it. "I'm glad there was something I could do for you."

Raine kept his glance. "You do so much more for me than you will ever understand. Every day I thank God for that broken elevator."

* * *

After dinner, they kept sitting around the couch for a while, talking. It didn't take long before exhaustion started to set in. Juice also had some bad nights; so if he already felt so tired, it had to be ten times worse for his friend.

"You want to sleep?"

"Yeah, think that might be wise," he sighed.

Juice got up and led him to his bedroom. Raine picked up his bag and followed him inside. Except for Mouse, nobody had ever been in his bedroom, and it felt strange to let his friend in. It was cold in the room; quickly he walked over to the window to close it.

"Sorry, maybe it's a little cold."

"You didn't do that so I'd snuggle up to you, huh?" Raine teased.

Juice felt his cheeks glow. "No, uh – I can also sleep somewhere else if you're afraid of that? In – in Mouse's bed?"

Silently cursing himself for starting to stutter, he closed his eyes.

Raine stepped closer to him so they were standing across from each other. "Of course I'm not afraid of that."

Feeling insecure, Juice crossed his arms and held his shoulders. "You mean... We can sleep in the same bed?"

Raine shrugged his shoulders. "Why not?"

Juice dropped his eyes. "You think it's not weird if two male friends sleep in the same bed?"

"It's also weird if I make my crush sleep in his ex's bed, don't you think?"

_My crush... _Again those cursed cheeks started to glow. "O-okay," he stammered, reminding himself that it had been his goal to make Raine feel better.

Raine pulled his shirt over his head. Mesmerized, Juice stared at his muscular body. It had been so long since he had seen it that he was again overwhelmed by how good looking he was. His breathing faltered as Raine unbuckled his belt and lowered his pants, so he was only wearing a black boxer. Suddenly his mouth felt dry. As Raine caught his glance, he quickly started to undress himself too. Then he headed to the bathroom to brush his teeth and slipped underneath the blankets. A few minutes later, Raine did the same.

Juice's heart was racing now they were lying in the same bed. He had switched off the ceiling light, the night-light on Raine's side of the bed was still on. Raine was lying on his side, his face towards Juice. The duvet had fallen back to halfway down his chest, and Juice noticed he couldn't keep his eyes off the exposed skin.

"What do you want us to be tonight, Juice?" Raine asked when their eyes met. "Lovers or friends?"

Juice froze. "You want sex?" he blurted out.

Raine chuckled softly, scooted a little closer to him and laid his hand against his cheek. "No – I'm not in the mood for sex." His thumb stroked the stubble on Juice's jaw. "And I would never do that to you. Use you as some fuck toy so I feel something else than the pain and the grief. But I would like a little more intimacy, just for tonight. We kissed and took our distance before. But I understand if that's too confusing for you."

There was only one thing important to him tonight, and that was making sure that Raine felt better. Having sex for the first time while they wanted to be friends alone might go a little too far, but cuddle and maybe making out for a bit... That wouldn't hurt them. Afraid that his voice started to shake as he answered verbally, he moved a little closer to his friend. Not knowing how much intimacy the man wanted, he kept a small distance between them, looking up to him with a questioning look.

"You don't wanna come closer?"

Raine's voice sounded hoarse – tense.

Juice's head was spinning. It felt like his heart could explode at the slightest touch.

"I – I'm not sure what you want," he whispered timidly. And not only that – he was afraid of the physical response Raine would call up inside him once they became more intimate.

"I want more than I will allow." The man laid an arm around him, his fingers slightly curved over his spine, so he mainly felt his palm and fingertips. It was no compelling grasp, he didn't pull him close. Juice laid a hand on his side, then he moved a little more to the side so their upper bodies were sharing their warmth and their legs were touching.

Raine's heavy breathing told him his friend was uptight too. Knowing that he had neither lied like this with a man before, made his skin tingle and caused his toes to curl.

Juice raised his head and looked at Raine. For the first time today, he saw something other than the boundless pain in his eyes. Slowly he moved his hand up and down across Raine's side. His skin was supple, warm and invited his fingers to put a little more pressure. The Mayan closed his eyes, as if he wanted to cement the touch to his memory, knowing it might be the last time they would touch each other like this.

Juice tried to let go of the hesitation and to act instinctively. His left hand moved to Raine's hair, his thumb stroking the shaved lines. The fingers on his back started to move, the short fingernails drawing patterns on his skin, and after a while all he felt were the light touches of his fingertips. Goosebumps spread across his whole body and a sigh slipped past his lips.

His lover smiled. The sight of it filled him with heat. Their last kiss felt like ages ago, and he didn't even remember how it had felt. Would he kiss him again? Raine said he wanted to kiss. And he... he wanted it too.

He wanted it so much.

He moved his hand from Raine's side to his arm, gliding up across the tattooed skin, to his shoulder, across his neck until he cupped his jaw. With his thumb, he stroked the rough stubble while he looked Raine in the eye again. The man was holding his breath; the longing radiating from him made Juice shiver.

He had seen yearning glances before – at all the crow eaters trying to get his attention. Their desires had been purely physical, caused by the fact that he was wearing a kutte. But Raine... Raine didn't want him because he was a Son. Raine wanted him because of who he was. Their passion was a forbidden one; one they were trying to ignore; one that was crawling underneath their skin for weeks. Juice could no longer fight his longing, neither was there a reason to... And so, he kissed the man.

As tender as their touches had been, the kiss was heated and heavy, almost desperate. Finally – finally they could taste each other again. Their tongues fought for dominance – and Juice won the first round. He kissed his friend roughly, tugged and sucked his lip. He turned a little, his face floating above that of Raine so he could deepen the kiss. The moment the strokes of his tongue became more tender, it was Raine who took control and dominated the kiss. His oversensitive lips were trembling with pleasure, something he had never experienced before. The heat of Raine's mouth left his lips and moved across his jaw, to his neck. He took distance from Juice's upper body, only so his caressing fingertips could find their way to it.

Juice closed his eyes. The burning sensation in his face descended to the rest of his body. Raine's teeth sank into the flesh of his neck, where after he left a dark mark. Excitement coursed through his veins. His manhood rose and pressed against Raine's waist.

Again, shame broke into his thoughts. He didn't want his friend to notice his excitement; especially because he felt that he was the only one. Subtly, he turned away from Raine so his erection was no longer bothering him. Immediately, Raine's hand slid to his hip and pulled him back, pressing his waist against Juice's and grinding it.

A shared moan ascended.

Again that shame was there, that longing to turn himself away. Maybe it was because he had the feeling he was taking advantage of Raine's vulnerability, or maybe because a part of him believed he shouldn't do this with a man. By reflex, he rolled back from his friend so his hard on was no longer touching him.

Raine stopped kissing his neck and returned his eyes to Juice's. There was a silent question in them, but Juice had no idea how to answer it and cast his glance down. Raine gave him a small kiss on his chin, then he caught his glance.

"What's wrong?" he asked softly. He stared into Juice's eyes, as if he tried to read the answer in them. Raine's fingers left his hip and neared his pubic region with his eyes never leaving his.

The conflict revived inside Juice, his breathing left him in little jolts. Fuck – this felt so good. He squeezed his eyes shut.

"Stop," he whispered.

He didn't sound convincing at all.

Nevertheless, Raine took his hand away. His fingertips glided up across his stomach and chest, grasped his shoulder and pushed him on his back. From there they moved to his neck, where after his thumb traced Juice's bottom lip.

The intense look with which Raine looked at him, made him breathe in sharply. There was something unexpectedly dominant about it, something stern; something making his mouth feel dry.

"I only want you to say stop when you mean it." His glance softened. "I think I sense pretty well what you want and don't want. In case I'm wrong; tell me to stop. But don't let shame or fear hold you back. Trust me. There is no shame in love, nor in true friendship. What we do isn't wrong. It's something we need – the both of us," he stressed.

Speechless, Juice stared at him. He nodded almost senselessly.

A small smirk curled around his lips. "Good boy."

Juice felt his cheeks glow; the shame simply refused to leave him alone.

Raine kissed the corner of his mouth. "I'm just teasing you. Let me be in charge now, you can go next."

Despite Raine's reassuring words there was a bundle of nerves in his stomach. He had no idea where this sudden nervousness was coming from and closed his eyes in an attempt to ignore it and concentrate on Raine.

His lover started to kiss his neck again. His lips followed a trail down his collarbone; they danced around his nipplesans descended further down to his abs. His tongue circled around his bellybuttonl his stubble slightly and pleasantly scratching his skin.

Juice raised himself a little on his elbows to watch his lover, causing Raine to let out a satisfying groan as his abs tensed underneath his lips. Open mouth kisses descended further down. In the dim light, he watched Raine's fingers stroking up and down the fabric of his briefs.

Juice's breathing fell heavier, all heat flowed to his crotch. As if his friend wanted to absorb the warmth, he wrapped his strong fingers around his masculinity while his lips neared the waistband of his boxers. All Juice could think of, was that he hadn't cleaned himself properly before going to bed and that it would be a bad first experience when Raine would suck him now.

Raine however, made no attempt to go further; he just left kisses across the edge of his boxers, and also on his thighs below the fabric. Juice relaxed a bit, remembering what Raine had told him: that he would sense what Juice wanted. Now he felt a bit more comfortable, his attention was drawn to Raine's grasp around his manhood. Right through his boxers, he was holding him firmly, slowly moving his hand up and down.

Juice groaned and panted quietly while Raine left wet marks on his lower abdomen. A whimper left his lips when Raine took away his hand. His friend bent over him again, kissing him with swollen lips on which he thought to taste the salt of his own sweat.

"You're so fucking hot," Raine whispered against his lips. "I'm so turned on right now."

Juice had been so immersed by Raine's touches that he was surprised by the tent in Raine's boxers. His hand moved aside, with his fingertips he caressed the tight fabric. The heat with which he was greeted made him shiver.

He looked at Raine, an almost pleading look in his eyes.

"I never meant to satisfy you," he said. "But rubbin' you up like this and stoppin' now feels rude. You want me to jerk you off? Or you feel more comfortable if you do it yourself?"

Juice knew he was right – that tension needed to leave. "You," he whispered. "Only – only tonight."

"Only tonight," he promised.


	16. Unknown Intimacy

Absently, Raine's fingers caressed his neck and the back of his head. Juice looked up, a little unsure, searching for his eyes. The warmth was still swirling through his body after what his lover had done to him. "If this is for one night, I never want the sun to rise again," he whispered.

Raine gave him a slow kiss. "Dawn is still far away," he murmured against Juice's lips, where after his tongue slipped inside again.

Kissing started to feel familiar. It gave him a heavy feeling in his chest; he’d rather not think about their last kiss. He shoved the thought aside. Right now, they were allowed to enjoy each other and he didn't want to ruin the moment by gloomy prospects. His hand moved to Raine's side, he pressed his fingers in the man's muscular body. Without leaving his lips, he raised himself a little, leading Raine until he was on his back. His hand explored his upper body, his thumb following the muscles crossing its path. His other hand covered Raine's collarbone, the tips of his fingers slightly caressing the man's neck. When he started to get a cramp in his leg, he turned and put his knees on both sides of Raine's body, so he was hovering over the biker. Suddenly he was too nervous to look his friend in the eye; he had no idea if his friend liked this position. He had placed his hands next to Raine's head, pressing them into the mattress.

And now?

Actually he had no idea what the hell he was doing.

Warm lips against his wrist dragged him out of his despondent thoughts. Raine had cocked his head to the side and kissed the skin of his arm. He doubted anyone had ever kissed him there and he was surprised by the fierce response of his body. Blood was rushing through his veins and the heat flared up, giving a little more room to his instincts. Dipping his head, he started to kiss the left side of Raine's neck. At first he only kissed the skin, a little later he started to suck it too.

The relieved sighs brushing his ear cheered him on. His lips traveled down until he reached the tattoo starting on Raine's shoulder and spreading across his chest. At first they explored the head of the octopus, then his tongue swirled across the curling tentacles. The last one ended close to his nipple, making Juice suck on it.

Raine's hands glided across his back, across his hips and eventually to his behind. His breathing faltered when the man's fingers kneaded his flesh. Whether he was lowering himself or Raine was pushing him down he didn't know; suddenly Raine's erection stroked his still dormant manhood, which was rapidly growing despite the release of less than 20 minutes ago. He continued his kissing exploration. Skin vibrated with heat below his lips, he heard Raine gasp now and then. Never before had he loved a body with so much interest. Every sigh or faltering of breath seemed to differ from the one before. He felt how Raine's muscles tensed underneath his loving lips; he was soft and hard at the same time, every touch feeling different. Below his belly button there was a subtle line of dark hair going down, soft as down. Although he shaved it off himself, it looked fucking hot on Raine. He kissed it up and down, then he moved his face to the side and licked the V-lines until they disappeared in Raine's boxers.

The fabric of Raine's underwear tickled his throat as his lips found their way above the waistband of it. A pang of desire went through his stomach as he bent his head and watched the large erection. Even though he had disliked the prospect of touching it a couple of weeks ago, he felt a longing rise to kiss him there too, and maybe to take him fully into his mouth.

He wouldn't do it, but nevertheless his lips wandered across the boxers, at the height of his groins until he reached them. From there, the impressions he was leaving were firmer. He looked up to his lover. Raine had raised himself a little. His lips were parted, looking dry, and although there had been sadness in his eyes before they started this, there was now a heated longing in them.

It made Juice breathe faster. The look in Raine's eyes was so intense he started to blush and he dipped his head. He was so close... It felt like he could feel the man's excitement glow on his cheek. He moved his face an inch to the side. A wonderful shiver waved over him. The fabric of the boxer was already wet on the top. On a whim, he pressed his lips against the warm wetness. Right through it he could feel the twitching of Raine's member; the man couldn't hold back a deep moan. With his tongue he glided across the tip. Right through the boxers he got a taste of the intense taste of his friend. His stomach seemed to shoot to the other side of his body. A little startled he looked up. Raine however, had closed his eyes; he was breathing rapidly.

He dipped his face again, gathered some spit and wet the upper side. He jolted when Raine's hand glided across his Mohawk. Nervously, he swallowed when his friend kept his face in place. Did he want a blowjob? Was it his fault? Maybe it had been wrong to heat him up like this. His lips were trembling as he pressed them against the wet fabric. He opened his mouth a little, his lips searching for the edges of the man's erection; his heat was pulsating right through his underwear. Juice's heart was raging in his chest, he started to panic, not knowing what was expected of him now. Should he just do it?

Raine's hand glided to his chin and a little compelled, he raised his face. At the same time he sat up straight. Confused, Juice looked at his friend.

"Did I go too far?" he whispered, his eyes cast down.

Suddenly, he felt disgusting and he moved away from Raine's body and sat down on his knees. In a fluid movement, Raine sat up on his knees too and laid his hands on Juice's hips.

Scared, he looked up.

"You didn't cross any borders I might have," he said. "But I think you crossed your own."

"I – I don't know," he stammered.

"If you're overthinking it, you're not ready. And that's fine. I also enjoy kissing and touching you... or being touched by you."

Juice's breathing calmed down. He cupped Raine's jaw with one hand, the other glided up and down his side. Their lips melted. At first, Raine's tongue traced his upper lip, followed by his bottom lip. It was such a simple movement, but it turned him on immediately. He tried to ignore it and forced himself to concentrate on the kiss.

For a long time, they only touched each other's lips and tongues, until the kiss heated up and they started to kiss each other's necks, leaving dark spots. Slowly, Juice caressed the body of his lover, from his chest descending to his stomach. The heat returned. Gently he pressed his teeth into the flesh between Raine's shoulder and neck, while one hand glided to the man's right cheek, pressing his waist closer. His hand wandered to Raine's waistband and started to toy with the elastic. His lips stilled on Raine's neck when his friend did the same.

His lover smiled at him, kissing him lightly and resting his forehead against Juice's. His hand slipped into Juice's boxers and the muscles in his upper body contracted when he copied his movement, his eyes never leaving Juice's.

* * *

Raine listened to Juice's heavy breathing. He had fallen asleep. Now and then he was snoring, but it wasn't bothering him. That wasn't the reason he was still awake.

He thought he would go out like a light after these emotional days and the sexual release of tonight. Still, he couldn't sleep. He had wrapped his left arm around Juice's body, his stomach pressed against the man's back. The Son had curled up a little, so Raine's lips were resting on his nape and his waist warming Juice's behind. He loved lying like this. He loved everything they had done tonight. Apparently he was super gay, but he could care less. There had been an almost irresistible desire to expose his lover completely, to take him into his mouth, to taste him, feel the heat brush the inside of his mouth. Juice however, wasn't ready, and the little bit of common sense that hadn't been affected by his lust, was happy about it.

After all, this was just for one night.

They couldn't go on like this.

And still – he wanted it so badly. He wanted Juice. He wanted all of him. Especially now he'd lost his sister, he didn't want to lose Juice. Not as a friend – nor as a lover. The intimacy between them was different than anything he had ever felt, their connection went so deep... He thought back to his last conversation with Rosa. He wondered if she had known that her end was near.

_"Promise me something, Raine."_

_Raine swallowed. The fierceness in her eyes caused a lump in his throat. Her body was giving up, her inner fire however, burning bright as ever. "What is it?" he asked quietly._

_"If you find out that you love him, really love him _– _then don't give up on him. You’ve already lost so much. I've seen the way you look at each other. Your love is pure and transcends human barriers. I know how important the club is for you, but keep this in mind, dear brother. You owe them nothing. They have no say in your love life. If they are unable to trust you, if they don't believe that you will keep your private and club life separated and that you're not loyal to the bone, then they're not worth your time and trust. The Mayans are a brotherhood, they're supposed to help you find your way in this, instead of judging you for it and prohibiting it. If they don't take your feelings seriously... then this isn't a club you should want to be part of."_

He promised her.

That same night he had written down the words so he would never forget them. His last promise to her. _If you really love him. _It was too early to state that. He was madly in love with this guy – there was no way around that. Their friendship however, was still in an early stage and they were taking huge risks by being friends, let alone by sleeping together.

Raine however, wasn't sure he could control himself. Juice called up so many strong feelings inside him, so many feelings he didn't want to fight. His whole life already felt like one giant battle. At first against the sickness of his mom, then to that of his sister. He was done fighting. Especially because this defeat would feel like a blessing.

He looked at the warm shadow in front of him and kissed Juice's shoulder.

"I want you," he whispered into the darkness. "I want to love you every night."

He said it now on purpose, now Juice was asleep. After all, he wouldn't respond to his longing, not now his emotions were a mess. If they decided to give their relationship a chance, he wanted his head to be quiet and he didn't want Juice's love to be a remedy for his pain.

It was risky; it was stressful; it would change their friendship. If they took that step, it couldn't be a decision based on their emotions. They both had to be convinced that the intimacy they had just felt was worth all the risks. That they weren't simply in love, but loved each other so much their distance was making them unhappy and that they were both willing to bear the consequences.


	17. Conflicts

Juice couldn't remember the last time he woke up in someone's arms. A little dazed, he stared at the muscular tattooed arm that was draped across his stomach, the knuckles resting on the mattress. Behind him, he heard a soft breathing slightly brushing his neck, causing goose bumps. 

Snippets of memories of last night slowly seeped into his sleepy brain. He remembered how they'd kissed; not only their lips, also each other's upper bodies. His lips had even wandered across Raine's boxers; there had only been a very thin fabric between his mouth and his friend's dick. Other memories followed. His fingers wrapped around Raine; those of the man around him. Their groans, their panting. The passion in Raine's eyes when they were jerking each other off.

The memory made him feel so hot he wanted to throw away his blanket. He felt how Raine's body had shaped itself to his; his waist against his ass so he could feel the man's morning erection. His breathing sped up as he fantasized about being completely naked right now, and he wondered how it would feel to be filled by that beauty that had been in his hand last night. Immediately he felt ashamed of himself. He couldn't help it; there was just this negative association, it felt like fantasies like these were making less of a man of him. As if him being the one entering someone was the only wish that was permitted – and he didn't like that thought either, for it would feel like he would humiliate his friend. 

Juice tried to shake off the thought. 

It would never happen. Tonight had been a one-off thing; today, and all the days following, they would be just friends. Without benefits. 

He closed his eyes again, allowing himself to enjoy Raine's embrace a little longer; his hand across his midriff, the cold rings against his flesh. He dozed off a bit, although he didn't fall asleep. Only when he felt lingering lips on his shoulder, he opened his eyes again. 

"You're already awake, hmm?" Raine's voice sounded, hoarse with sleep. 

"Kinda," Juice muttered. He turned around, regretting the movement when his friend took his arm away. 

Was it over now? There was a growing emptiness in his chest. As he had turned himself to Raine, he didn't know what to do with his arm, eventually resting it on his own side. 

"How do you feel?" Juice asked quietly. 

He smiled a little sadly. "For a second, I felt a bizarre kind of happiness, when I realized I was lying here with you. Then I remembered yesterday." He sighed. "The funeral... It feels so surreal." Lifting his hand, his thumb lightly brushed the stubble on Juice's jaw. "How do you feel? About yesterday?"

He felt his cheeks turn flaming red and dropped his eyes. "I don't really know," he whispered. "I liked it," he forced himself to say. "I really did. Did you – did you like it too?"

"It was one of the hottest things I've ever done," Raine said, making his friend feel even hotter. Juice swallowed. "You make me so fucking gay." The Mayan chuckled, although he sounded a little tense. "You think we shouldn't have done it?" he asked softly. "Please look at me, baby."

_Baby... _He didn't like to be called like that by a man. Skittishly, he looked up. 

"Do you regret what we did?"

"I don't know." There was a nasty, gnawing feeling in his stomach. He sat up straight. Suddenly, his head was a big mess. "I feel like a whore," he blurted out. 

The words echoed through the room. He had no idea where that thought had come from and he certainly didn't know why he'd said that out loud. It however, did explain why he felt so nauseous and why the shame was burning deep inside him. 

Raine said nothing, whilst he'd expected him to say something that would silence that stupid thought. Instead, he sat up straight too and stared at his knees. 

_I hurt him. _

Juice was close to slapping himself. What the hell was wrong with him?! Why did he say something like that?! Fuck – he was ruining _everything!_ That man buried his little sister yesterday and Juice was worried about feeling not manly enough?! He wanted to apologize, but the words got stuck in his throat. 

Raine looked aside, his jaw clenched, the look in his eyes hurting Juice physically. "Then I guess I felt something else than you yesterday, for it meant something to me," he said in a cold tone, getting up and grabbing his sports bag. "I need a shower."

Juice's lips were moving – again he tried to say something. That he didn't mean it, that he had no idea why he'd said that. That it had meant something to him, too. But once Raine closed the door, not a single word had slipped his lips. 

Now Raine might feel like a whore too, eager to wash away Juice's touches. He rubbed his face, wishing he could hide himself under the blankets and pretend this conversation had never taken place. He however, couldn't. Quietly, he started to dress himself, every movement feeling tough. He thought about Raine, who was showering now. Was he staring forward, an angry frown on his forehead? Or was he leaning with his head against the cold tiles of the wall, feeling defeated? Did he wish he'd never come here?

Juice took a few deep breaths and tried to suppress the sickness he felt. He needed to get his shit together before Raine was done showering. Hopefully he could convince him not to go home immediately. The thought that this might have been their last conversation, suffocated him. 

Closing the bedroom door, he walked to the kitchen where Skye was making coffee. 

"Hey sweetie," she said with a wide smile. "Damn, that were some hot sounds last night." Giggling, she winked. 

Juice felt his cheeks glow. Quickly, he took a cup from the cupboards. "It's not what you think," he muttered. 

"How do you know what I think?"

"We didn't... do it." Still avoiding her glance, he poured himself a cup of coffee. The smell worsened his nausea; he doubted he was actually going to drink this. His hand was shaking as he put back the coffeepot. 

Skye noticed it, grabbing his hand. "Things weren't like you thought they would be? You're so nervous and... your eyes are not sparkling."

"I said something stupid to him," he said quietly. "And now I hurt him. He's gonna leave soon and I'm not sure if we –"

"Ssh, don't panic. Come on, sit down with me." Holding his hand, she led him to the couch, sitting down on it. "Tell me what happened."

He took a deep breath. Her thumb caressed his hand, making him feel a little more relaxed. "We wanted it to be for one night... Being lovers. We decided not to have sex – but we did some things. We – we enjoyed it, even though I panicked a few times. But once I woke up this morning, then..." He squeezed his eyes shut; he simply couldn't tell her he felt emasculated because of certain fantasies. "The thought that it had been for just one night.... it makes me feel sick. And when he asked me how I felt about last night I said – I said I felt like a whore. I just blurted it out. That thought hadn't crossed my mind at all, although I did feel filthy."

"You think he used you?"

Quickly, he shook his head. "No, he really didn't. He cared more about my needs than his own. But I just... I just have the feeling that what we did is wrong." With trembling fingers he rubbed his face. "I don't know Mouse," he whispered. "There are just too many loud thoughts in my head. That I'm betraying my brothers; that my longings are not natural; that we will never be more than each other's toys.... And now I'm terrified that I've pushed him away, that he doesn't want to be friends anymore and.... and... I just wanna be with him Mouse."

"Raine isn't going to leave you, Juice. He knows you, he knows how loud your head can be. Make him breakfast, tell him you didn't mean what you said and explain to him that you're still struggling with your sexuality, with your desires. You use to sleep with whores, Juice. If you believe this was a one-time thing, that association isn't _that_ strange. What you two have is something new; you'll have to work it out together."

Juice wiped his eyes. Then he took a deep breath and nodded, feeling relieved that she told him what to do. 

"Okay," he whispered. "Okay, I'll make him breakfast."

* * *

Raine mainly blamed himself for giving Juice the feeling that he was some object. If anything, he had tried really hard to monitor his friend's feelings and now it seemed he had failed. Had his lust blinded him? Or had Juice pretended to like it? Had it been his goal to distract him, even when he crossed his own borders in achieving it? Yesterday, he had noticed that Juice didn't know his own boundaries all too well, although it hadn't been very hard to read him. Every time he was close to crossing them, his breathing had changed and Raine had sensed his panic. However, not for a moment had he been convinced that Juice wanted to please him only to do him a favor; it felt rather like there were certain sexual longings that needed more time to grow. 

He turned around, letting the water splash in his face. With his hands, he rubbed his face. Juice's words had hurt him and he had wanted to take a shower to get his thoughts straight. Yet, the disappointment didn't leave him; although he wasn't sure who was the cause of his disappointment; Juice or himself. Maybe it had been an error of judgment; thinking more intimacy wouldn't alter their friendship. Maybe he'd set the stakes too high, expecting too much from their friendship. Even at a distance, Juice had been such a great help; he'd thought a little more intimacy could only bring them closer. 

Not for a moment, had he expected Juice to feel used. 

Sighing, he turned off the water. He wasn't sure what to do now. He didn't want to avoid a conversation; they needed to talk about this, make things right. Hopefully, Juice's mind was calm enough to make it work. 

After drying himself off and putting his clothes on, he left the bathroom. He put his sports bag down next to the wall. Quick footsteps neared him and Juice left the kitchen. 

"I uh – I made you breakfast."

Raine heard the regret in his voice and knew his friend was trying to make amends. It was a sweet gesture; stirring the longing inside him to pull him into a hug, where after they would forget about earlier this morning. 

But it wasn't that simple. 

"Thanks."

Only now, Juice mustered up the courage to look up. The easiness with which Juice's confidence could be bruised, kept surprising him. Yesterday, they had explored each other's bodies, and now he was afraid that Raine would go home. 

"There's bread in the oven. And I made an omelette."

"Sounds good!" He offered Juice a smile and headed to the table. Although he had seen Skye in the kitchen on his way to the bathroom, she had retreated to her room now. 

Apart from a basket with warm bread, Juice also put a bowl of fruit yoghurt on the table. The man seemed to hesitate on where to sit down; across from Raine or next to him. In the end, he opted for the latter, as if it would make it easier to avoid Raine's glance. 

"I'm sorry for what I said." Juice's bottom barely touched the seat before the apology rolled off his tongue. 

"If that's how you really felt, you don't need to apologize," Raine answered. "It's just... I had no idea you felt that way. Yeah, I wanted to feel something else than the pain and the sadness, but it meant so much more to me. For one night, I just wanted... to have what we can't have."

Juice stared at the table top. "It felt amazing," He said softly, almost inaudible. "But when I woke up... Then there was this warm sensation only being with your partner can cause... And then I realized this was a one-time thing, and then it felt like all other one night stands I've had... With whores. I... I don't know why I called myself a whore. The realization that it had been for one night, was just such a strong contrast to that warm feeling."

Raine hesitated. Once he was a little further in his grieving process, he wanted to seriously consider a romantic relationship with his friend. But should he tell him that? He didn't want to give him false hopes; he believed it was better if he figured out his own needs before he would take care of those of Juice.

"You're not the only one with struggles like that," he said honestly. "Last night, it took me hours before I fell asleep; the thought that it had been for just one night was killing me. I'm in love with you, Juice. Madly in love. There's nothing I want more than being with you. The fact that we can't be together, doesn't change anything about what I feel."

Juice peeked aside, his cheeks a bright red. Raine felt the longing rise to grab his hand, but he didn't. It was better to create some distance. 

At least for now.


	18. All Or Nothing

Many times, Juice thought back to that night. Actually, every moment he was lying in his bed. Then he could feel Raine's lips all over his body, even on places where they hadn't been. It was pathetic, but sometimes he hugged his blankets, pretending he was holding his friend. Even though weeks were passing by, the memories only seemed to become sharper.

It had indeed been a one-time thing. Somehow, they'd flipped a switch; they'd gone back to being just friends, with a friendly hug to greet or say goodbye at most – and also these had been less intimate than in the past. Whether it was self-protection or whether Raine didn't feel the need for more intimacy, was hard to tell. Raine might have told him that he was in love with him, but Juice still believed something had changed when he'd called himself a whore.

And there was more. Raine wasn't the same since his sister had died. He was exhausted – Juice saw it in his eyes all the time. All day long, he pretended to feel energetic, being positive to his younger sister and the little girl he needed to look after now. But once it was getting late, he looked pale and was moody. He was having a hard time, and Juice didn't know how to help him. 

Giving him space had been a solution. They only saw each other two times a week, and they'd stopped texting each other every day. A distance was growing between them, of which Juice didn't know if it was a bad thing. Maybe it was better to demarcate his feelings – but at the same time, he missed the guy. No matter how long they didn't speak to each other, Juice thought about him every moment of the day.

Others started to notice too. Here and there people started to joke about his absent mind; it was Chibs who one day told him to put down his stuff and forced him into a conversation.

The man took him to a food stall on the edge of town. Juice didn't say much. He stared at the table top, nervous. He knew Chibs well enough to know he wouldn't let him leave, until he knew what was going on.

Oh – how much he wanted to tell Chibs the truth. He however, couldn't; he knew exactly what Chibs would tell him: that he couldn't see him again. It was something his head told him all the time – but his heart disagreed. That would break.

"Wha's goin' on with ye, lad?" Chibs started after ordering their lunch. "You're very distracted lately. Did your sister call ye? Is there a family problem?"

"No," he muttered, wishing lunch had been served so he'd have something to focus his attention on.

"Then, what is it? You need to talk about it, kid."

"I talked about it with Mouse."

Chibs shrugged his shoulders. "Guess it didn't work. Women think differently than us. Tell me wha's on yer mind, Juicy."

Juice swallowed. Skittishly, he looked up to Chibs.

The man radiated calmness, yet there was this determined look in his eyes; like the glance of a stern dad demanding an answer.

"It's nothing," he muttered. "It's just... I met someone."

Chibs' lips bent into a smirk; his scars making it look wider than it actually was. "A-ha! So yer in love, hmm?"

Juice's cheeks flushed, his hands felt clammy. Was that enough information?

"And? Are the feelings mutual?"

"Umm... I think they are." He was close to hugging the waitress in gratefulness when she put a glass of water in front of him. Quickly, he sipped from it.

"Well – that's nice, right? Why don't ye take the lass to a clubhouse party soon? Most ladies need a little time to get used to our lifestyle, but I'm sure ye two will work things out."

Juice bit the inside of his cheek. His secret was weighing heavily on his shoulders, pushing him down. He had the feeling he needed to say _something _about it... And if there was anyone he trusted, it was Chibs.

"It's complicated," he muttered.

"Love's always complicated," Chibs chuckled. He thanked the waitress with a wink and a nod when she brought them their plates. "Why don't ye tell me somethin' about 'er?"

Juice bent his head and stared at the burger that had been served. He picked at the sesame seeds on top of the bread. _Just say it. Chibs won't judge you. Tell him at least _something.

He didn't dare to look up. Still, he whispered. "It's not a girl."

It was so quiet, you could hear a pin drop. Nervously, Juice chewed the inside of his cheek. He had said it. There was no way back now; he had admitted that he was gay.

"Oh..." Chibs said, a little dazed. "_Oooh. _Okay. So, it's a boy. That's totally fine too, kid."

He hadn't expected Chibs to despise him because he was into men, nevertheless his response was a true relief. He peeked at the man. Chibs leaned back a little, lifting the right corner of his mouth. "Well – then tell me something about _him, _lad. I'm way too curious."

"Umm, okay." Juice took another sip of water. What could he tell him? "His name is... Kane. Mouse introduced me to him. A few uhh – a few months ago."

Chibs held his glance. Juice felt a drop of sweat gliding down his neck.

"Is he the friend who called ye a while back? When his sister died?"

"Yeah," he muttered. "Back then we were just friends. Umm well – we're still just friends."

"Hmm." Chibs took a large bite of his burger. "But you two do like each other?"

"We did kiss. In the beginning."

He had no idea why he told him that. What use did that information have for Chibs? How would it help him? "Okay. So was he a bad kisser or wha? Why did ye stop doin' so?"

Juice stared at his burger. He'd lost all of his appetite. He thought back to the times they'd kissed. He remembered how soft his lips were, how dominating his tongue could be. He could feel his fingers stroking his neck, his warm kisses on his skin. Fuck – he missed it. In the meantime, he'd been with a lot of Crow eaters, but he didn't remember any of their touches.

"Juice?" Chibs stressed, clearly determined to create some peace in his thoughts.

He picked up the burger and took a small bite. It felt like there was a whirlpool in his stomach; he felt a little nauseous and yet the jitters weren't unpleasant.

"It's the first time for both of us," he said, hesitating. "That we fell for a man. Nobody knows about us and..." He paused, looking for a reason that wasn't too far from the truth. "Well, you know what the MC world thinks of gay people."

"We are yer brothas, Juice. No one will judge you."

No – perhaps not openly. But in their minds, they would. Hell – _he _would have judged others if it had been one of his brothers.

"Others will," he muttered. "He – he doesn't want to take the risk. He's afraid people will call him a biker bitch. And I – I don’t know if I want this either. People will talk about us. Our charter will be 'the one with the faggot'."

Chibs didn't answer immediately, but took some time to think about the problem. "Ye don't have to go public, yet. Nobody tells you to hold hands or to kiss on the streets. Ye can do so when yer alone, until ye two do feel comfortable enough to show the world?"

"But we can't hide our relationship forever," Juice muttered. "We're afraid it won't make us happy."

"And this does make you happy, kid?"

No.

He suppressed a sigh. This was just a small part of the problem. Something he could move past if he needed to. The _real _problem, was the fact that Raine was a Mayan – but despite Chibs' well-meaning advice he didn't dare tell him.

"You have been distracted for weeks lad," Chibs said. "Something needs to change. Go for it or let him go; cause this is gonna tear ye up brother. It's all or nothing – that can be said about a lot of situations. Also this one."

Juice bent his head. His stomach hurt.

Maybe Chibs was right. Going for it wasn't an option, so letting go was his only other option.

He, however, wouldn't let go of Raine – he simply couldn't, their friendship was too important for him.

It was his feelings he needed to get rid of.

* * *

"I don't think it's a bad idea, Juicy," Mouse said. He had just summarized the conversation with Chibs. "He is right: this is tearing you up. You haven't smiled since you’ve been trying to keep your distance."

"But what can I do to get rid of my feelings?"

"Maybe you should start dating. Meet other cool people, divert your attention to other things. It always helps me when I'm trying to distract myself after a broken heart."

"It's not like Sons date a lot," he muttered.

Mouse shrugged her shoulders. "It's not about what Sons do, it's about what you need. Doing fun things is always a good distraction. I know a nice girl, very spontaneous and super sweet. I think you two will get along. You want me to introduce you to her? Or would you rather date a guy?"

"No," he muttered. Somehow going out with a guy felt like cheating. They both slept with girls, but going out with a guy...

_But maybe that's why you need to do this, Juice. Up to now, girls have failed to keep your attention._

"Okay, maybe I should date a guy," he said quietly.

For some reason, he felt ashamed. Now he really started to feel like a homosexual.

"But I don't want... people to know. That I'm a Son."

"Then you don't tell him. You can always open up to him after a few dates. My friend's brother is gay; he's very handsome and manly. I think you'd like him, and he's in a metal band. Looks very tough." She winked.

"I don't know, Mouse..." The thought alone made him feel nervous.

"Next Saturday, there's a small festival close by, at night. Just go there together. It will be casual and if you don't feel a click, you can simply go home."

"I dunno..."

"Do you trust me, Juice?"

"Yeah," he said without thinking.

"Then believe me, when I tell you that you need this."

He bit his lip. "Okay," he whispered.

* * *

Juice was nervous all day.

A blind date. He'd never expected he'd do something like that. But it was really what he'd planned for tonight: at 8 PM, he would meet the guy in front of the Burger King. Mouse would be at the festival too, which gave him a little peace. If it didn't lead anywhere, he could hang out with her.

He had decided to tell Raine about the date, simply because he would have wanted it too if it was about Raine. It made his nervousness worse. He didn't think his friend would mind, and yet that was what hurt the most.

They greeted each other with their usual hug. For some reason, his heart beat raced up even more than it usually did, and he quickly let go of his friend. Raine studied his face, as if he sensed that something was off.

"You're nervous," Raine concluded.

Juice didn't know where to look. Suddenly this felt like the stupidest idea ever. He wiped his clammy hands on his pants and murmured he was okay. He headed to the living room, where Sasha was sitting on the couch, watching TV.

"Juice!" she exclaimed the moment she saw him. Jumping up, she ran towards him. He scooped her up, putting her on his hip while she wrapped her tiny arms around him.

"Hey girl. What are you watchin'?"

"Winnie the Pooh! Wanna watch with me?"

"Maybe later, okay? I need to talk to your uncle first."

She nodded, eyes wide; then her glance wandered to the TV, as if she didn't want to miss too much of it. He put her back on the couch and looked at Raine, who was standing in the doorway. With his head, he nodded to the kitchen.

There, he took two beers from the fridge, handing one to Juice.

"So... What's going on?" he asked after popping off the cap of the bottle and passing the bottle opener.

Juice opened the bottle and took a swig to make his throat feel less dry. He took a deep breath. "I uh... I wanted to tell you that I uh... I got a date tonight."

Raine lifted the corner of his mouth. "Well, well. You met some nice girl?"

"No umm – it's a date with a guy. Actually, Mouse set us up. I dunno – I just wanted to tell you and be honest about it."

"Honesty is good, Juice."

"You don't – you don't mind?"

He shook his head. "Nah. You can't stay single for the rest of your life because of me." His smile looked a bit sad.

Juice swallowed. _But I don't want him. I want you. _Luckily, he managed to keep these words to himself.

"Okay," he answered quietly. The heavy feeling in his chest didn't go away. It felt like his heart had turned to stone.

"You have to leave already?"

Juice shook his head. "Within two hours."

"So you can stay for dinner?"

"Yeah – I'd like that."

* * *

There were no hard feelings. Raine even tried to make him feel comfortable about tonight, and now and then he teased him with comments making even Juice laugh. He was disappointed when it was time to leave. He wasn't looking forward to the date at all; he’d rather stay with Raine.

"Well – I do want a detailed report," Raine said with a smirk when he walked him to the door. "And you gotta tell me if he's a better kisser than me."

"I will run an analysis," Juice joked, although he still felt sad.

They hugged each other – and Juice closed his eyes for a moment. Oh, how he wished he could stay here...

Nevertheless, he pulled back and glanced at Raine. His friend was a little too late with putting his mask on again, for the vulnerable look in his eyes shocked Juice.

As if Raine felt caught, he quickly showed a smile. "Have fun tonight."

Juice swallowed; then he nodded and opened the door.

Before he could leave, Raine blocked the door shut. Confused, Juice turned around.

Before he realized what was happening, Raine pushed him against the door and pressed his lips against Juice's. Juice didn't hesitate for a moment; he kissed him back, feeling countless jolts racing through his body.

Raine panted a little as he pulled back his face, resting his forehead against Juice’s; his hands clutched around the collar of his leather jacket.

"I'm sorry. I can't do this. I don't want you to date another man."

Confused, Juice looked at him. "But you were okay with it, you..."

"I lied. I'm fucking jealous. I want you Juice," he said, determined. "I want you all to myself."

It felt like he was tingling from top to toe, his breathing labored. "W-what?"

"Fuck our clubs, we'll figure something out. I wanna be yours and I want you to be mine. And mine alone." The grasp around Juice's kutte weakened. "I want you. I _need _you. Not as a regular friend, as my boyfriend. As my lover." His beautiful brown eyes held his glance. "Is that still something you want?"

Juice didn't even need to give it a thought. "Yeah. Fuck – you have no idea how desperately I want you. How much I want this."

"I think I got a –"

Juice didn't let him finish, as he crashed his lips against Raine's.

Lips he'd missed for such a long time, of which he was only allowed to fantasize.

This time however, it was no fantasy. This was real.

And it wasn't going to be a one-time thing.


	19. Calm Before The Storm

Usually Raine's actions were based on reason instead of emotions. The decision he had made a few minutes ago however, was clearly an exception and it took only a few seconds before he regretted it. 

"Maybe you should have that date," he suggested after ending the kiss. The vulnerable look in Juice's eyes made his stomach cramp up. "It feels wrong to destroy your chance on a less complicated relationship. Skye knows you; if she set you two up, I'm sure you're a match. You should at least meet him."

"No," Juice answered. "You're the one that I want." Confidently, his hands slipped underneath Raine's shirt. 

He closed his eyes. Fuck – how was it possible that his touch called up so many intense feelings? His breathing faltered when Juice's lips wandered across his neck, sucking his skin as if he was trying to leave his mark on him. 

"The only reason I wanted to date was because I couldn't stop thinking about you," he whispered. Underneath his shirt, Juice's hands were climbing up, his thumbs tracing rib by rib. "I keep thinking about your lips. About how you felt in my hand, how your fingers felt around me. How hot it was to look into your eyes when we came." Juice looked him in the eye again. His hands slid down, settling on his hips. "Our bond is something I've never experienced before. I'm counting down the hours until I can see you again. I crave for your touches, for your voice, your smile." Being silent for a while, he simply stared into Raine's eyes. "I believe in us," he continued. "We've never talked about our clubs. We’ve known each other for six months and we've never been in a fight. My feelings don't go away; they become stronger and stronger each day. I'm in love with you, Raine. I'm so fucking in love with you, that I feel like a fucking teenager. Going out with a random guy isn't going to change anything about that. I don't want to be touched by anyone but you. I don't want to taste anyone else's lips..."

"Oh, Juice..." Raine dipped his head, his forehead resting against that of his friend. What he felt for this guy went beyond all understanding. He wanted him so badly. And still, he was terrified that things weren't going to end well. What if their clubs really ended up in a gang war? Within the walls of their homes and in the warmth of each other's arms they felt safe; they were living some kind of dream in which their clubs didn't exist. 

But their clubs _did _exist and were demanding their loyalty. 

Could he deal with that? They could keep their club secrets to themselves, he no longer doubted that. But he was dreading the moment that someone would find out about their relationship, and the thought of what they might do to Juice kept him awake at night. What would he do, once he was forced to choose between his club and his lover?

"I'm scared," he said honestly. He looked up to the man. "I know I told you we would figure it out. I really want to believe we will, but the truth is that I'm fucking scared."

Juice's lips touched his lips so softly his legs were trembling. 

"A few days ago Chibs took me to a diner," he said. "Telling me I was too distracted lately. Then I told him I met someone and fell in love. A guy. And that we don't dare to get into a relationship because we're afraid the secrecy will make us unhappy." He cupped Raine's jaw. "You know what he asked me? Whether our current situation was making me happy. The answer is no. Then he told me something had to change; that I should fight for it or let it go because it was going to tear me up otherwise."

His forehead still rested against Raine's. For a while, they stared into each other's eyes in silence, asking themselves what they wanted. A couple minutes ago they had made a decision based on their feelings, but they both knew they needed more. 

"I don't want to give up on you," Juice said quietly. "I know I will regret it for the rest of my life. I want to give it a shot. You and me. We're hiding our friendship anyway and I think we're doing well. There isn't much that will change. The feelings are already there, just as our longings." A slight blush appeared on Juice's cheeks. "And we act on it too, sometimes."

Raine had always imagined that he would be the one reassuring Juice; that he had to convince his friend that they could have a future, even if it meant living in the shadows. And now, he himself was the one who was clinging to doubts. 

He thought back to the promise he made his sister. Taking this step was risky – although their whole lives were risky. Not all people grew old; his mom and sister had proven that. He thought about all the chances Rosa had missed out on; the love in which she'd been disappointed. 

It almost felt like betrayal to not seize the opportunity once it was offered to him. 

"Okay." His arms slipped around Juice and he pulled the man close. "Let's do this."

The moment the words left his mouth, an intense heat washed over him. He took Juice's face between his hands and looked him in the eye. His eyes were sparkling, his smile so beautiful it made him swallow. 

He couldn't help but kiss those lips. A glorified sigh escaped his lips when their tongues met, as they were tasting each other. His hand glided to the back of Juice's head, stroking the edges of his Mohawk. It was a wonderful kiss, without the fear that it would be their last; it was a promise of much, much more. 

It felt great. It felt amazing; so amazing, he felt a little awkward when he returned his glance to Juice. They showed each other a shy smile, both feeling a new kind of happiness that connected them. 

Juice wasn't the only one who felt like a love-struck teenager.

"I like you so much," he said quietly, pressing his lips against those of his friend again. "I never felt his way about anyone."

"Neither have I."

It was liberating to no longer fight the butterflies in his stomach. As long as they were alone, they didn't have to think about boundaries. 

As long as they were alone. 

He sighed softly. "I think it's better if Sasha doesn't know about us. I don't want her to tell someone that she saw me kissing a guy; I'm sure Esai ain't gonna leave me alone before he's figured out who my lover is."

Juice had already introduced himself as Juan to her, just to make sure she wouldn't mention him to anyone, but they couldn't be too careful.

He didn't like it, not for a bit; especially in his own house he wished to feel free. Fortunately, she was very young and went to bed early in the evening. What it would mean for the future, was hard to estimate. Although he planned to tell his brothers about his feelings for Juice one day. 

Juice nodded slowly, yet his shoulders were slumped. Raine knew all too well how he was feeling. He also wished things had been different. But especially now they'd chosen to be together, they had to make wise decisions and be careful. 

"I'm going to put her in bed," he said. "Then we no longer have to worry about her."

He leaned into Juice to kiss him one more time, then he turned around and headed for the living room.

* * *

As Raine put his niece in bed, Juice called Mouse, for he lacked the number of his date. He felt sorry for the man, but he didn't want to feel obliged to hang out with him all night long. 

"Hey Juice!" Her voice sounded elated, and shrill. In the background, he heard music; apparently she was already at the festival. 

"Hey! Uhm – I umm, I want to cancel the date."

"Ah come on, Juice! Don't back down now..."

"It's not what you think," he said quickly. "He – we... We want to be more than friends. He didn't want me to date someone else. So he uhm... he's my boyfriend now."

"No fucking way!" Her voice changed immediately. "Oh that's amazing baby! I'm so happy for you!!"

"Yeah." He smiled. "I'm really happy, too. Although we still have to figure out the best way to hide. It won't be easy, but I'm so relieved that we're taking this step."

"Me too, baby. You two belong together, you are such an amazing couple. I really hope your clubs will become allies one day, so you two won't have to hide anymore. You both deserve it."

Juice's heart started to beat faster at that thought. There were other clubs they considered as their allies. Oh, if that would really happen one day... He could do nothing but pray for it, but it would change everything for them.

"Well... I guess I'm going to disappoint your date, now. Maybe I can get him another date last-minute. See you tomorrow, sweetie. Give Raine a kiss from me."

He laughed quietly, said goodbye and hung up. 

Right when he had put away his device, he heard footsteps on the stairs. Raine descended it and flopped down next to him. 

"What should we do tonight? I can give Emma a call to see if she can babysit tonight? Then we can go to that festival. I like bands and shit like that."

Juice hesitated. He liked the idea of going out, but he didn't know how to behave around others. If Raine had been a girl, he would have walked hand in hand with her, but he wasn't sure it was something he wanted to do now. He found it even harder to figure out if it was something that Raine wanted. People would look at them, whisper about them. 

"We can watch a movie, too," Raine said. "If you're not in the mood to leave the house."

"I would like to go there." He searched for a way to translate his doubts to words. "But I don't know how to act around you. In public."

"Where is it? You expect any Sons or Mayans?"

He shook his head. "No, I don't. But, still... I uhm – I'm not sure if I like to uh, well, you know... be clingy with others around." He bit the inside of his cheek. "I'm not sure I'm ready to come out of the closet."

Raine chuckled softly. "You're not the only one. It's not that I feel ashamed of my feelings for you, but I don't want to attract too much attention."

Juice nodded in relief. He couldn't agree more. 

"I'm sure we'll figure out what we like or not. That we're exclusive now, doesn't mean we have to do what all couples do." Raine held his glance. "And I want you to understand this very well, Juice. Being together now doesn't mean that I expect certain things from you. I know there are things you aren't ready for, especially sexually, and that's okay. We'll get there one day."

Juice swallowed, feeling his cheeks flush. "You uh – you're already ready for that?" he asked nervously. 

Raine chuckled softly, kissing his cheek. The gesture made his cheeks feel even hotter. "I'm ready whenever you're ready." He gave him a wink, then he got up. "Lemme give Emma a call."

* * *

They were wearing long sleeves to hide their club tattoos and went to the festival by car. It was strange to leave the bikes behind, but at the same time it helped to create some distance from the club life. 

In the middle of the town was a park with a stage. Juice and Raine got themselves a beer and joined the crowd. 

"You ever played an instrument?" Raine asked. 

Juice took a sip from his beer and shook his head. "Did you?"

He laughed. "I played a clarinet for a year when I was 14."

"What? Clarinet?" Juice asked in disbelief. 

"Yeah. I lost a bet with Esai." 

Juice started to laugh. "Seriously?"

"Yeah," Raine chuckled. "There was this new chick in school. We started a bet on who would be the first to get into her pants, but she turned down the both of us."

"So Esai had to play clarinet too?"

"The flute."

Juice imagined the Mayan with a flute and started to laugh even harder. "Awesome." He looked aside. He always had his set group of friends, but he'd never been _really _close with someone. "You find it hard?" He asked. "To keep the truth about me from Esai?"

"Yeah," Raine sighed. "I considered to tell him. I used to tell him everything. But he will feel obliged to take it to the table and I know he's right."

"And if you tell him just a little bit? That you're dating a guy?"

"He's going to spy upon me until he's seen you, I'm sure of it. That guy is way too curious. What about Chibs? Are you close?"

"Yeah," he said. "But he's 15 years older than me. He used to be my sponsor, so we're close at a different level. If I tell him I want to keep my boyfriend out of the club life, he won't insist."

"Chill. In this matter, Esai really is a pain in the ass." He smirked. "You wanna get a little closer to the stage? The atmosphere is always better in the centre."

Juice agreed. Raine went first, pushing himself a way through the crowd; Juice followed him until they were 30 feet away from the stage. It was some heavy rock music; he liked it. For a while, Juice simply enjoyed the music while his head was nodding to the beat. After a few songs, he realized there was a girl talking to Raine. The way she looked at him told him she was obviously flirting; she moved her face close to his when speaking to him and her laughter really was over the top. 

He wasn't jealous, but he could see the humor in wrapping an arm around his boyfriend now. With his eyes aimed at the band, he lifted his arm and laid it around Raine's waist. From the corner of his eye, he saw how Raine turned his head to the side in surprise. Juice bit back a grin, pretending he didn't see it. 

"Someone's gettin' a little jealous here?" Raine whispered in his ear.

Juice looked past him. The girl was staring at him, seemingly in shock and obviously hoping Raine would push him away. Instead, Juice winked at her, then he whispered to his friend: "Why? You're trying to make me jealous?"

Raine lifted the corner of his mouth. "Maybe I am. To see if I can lure you out of that closet."

Juice's hand cupped Raine's hip and he shoved him to the side, so the man was standing in front of him. He wrapped his arms around his waist like he would have done if Raine had been his girlfriend, and pulled the man's back against his chest. He liked it more than he thought he would. Right now, he could care less if there were people staring at them; they probably wouldn't go back to this place anyway. 

Raine looked over his shoulder, smirking at him. "You keep surprising me, Ortiz."

He kissed Raine's jaw. "It's because of you. You make me feel freer than I've ever been."

He leaned against his boyfriend and closed his eyes, cementing this moment to his memory. 

Right now, he felt surprisingly calm. 

Like the calm before the storm. 


	20. Good Intentions

Although it was close to midnight, he rang the doorbell. He hadn't seen Juice in a week; every time they planned something, one of the clubs needed them. Something was coming; it felt like the air was electrically charged. All his brothers were moody, as if they all sensed someone was watching them without having proof of it. It ate at him.

He had asked Sammy to stay with Sasha tonight. She was the only one who knew about his relationship with Juice. With wide eyes, she had stared at him when he told her; after she had hugged him happily.

The door swung open.

Raine smirked at the sight of Juice's stunned face. He hadn't informed his friend; he'd wanted to surprise him.

He went inside, kicking the door shut with his heel and pushing his boyfriend roughly against the wall. It felt like he couldn't live a second longer without his lips; he kissed him passionately, letting his excitement getting the best of him.

His hands slipped underneath Juice's shirt while his lips attacked the skin of his neck. The man gasped when Raine's hands roamed across his warm body. Through the thin sweatpants, he could feel the effect his touches had on Juice, making him grow too.

"I couldn't be without you any longer," Raine grunted in his ear.

Suddenly, Juice pushed him away. Raine stumbled backwards, glancing at his boyfriend in confusion. He caught a glimpse of Juice's smirk, then the boy grabbed the collar of his kutte and backed him up against the opposite wall. The kiss that followed was hot and heavy; his whole body seemed to tremble, while he moaned into Juice's mouth.

"You're so fucking hot," Raine said in a hoarse voice. "So damn sexy."

He loved this confident and dominant side of Juice. He also liked his shyness which made him become all wet inside, but it was this mix that kept the man on his mind 24/7.

Juice tugged at his lip with his teeth. "Too bad for you, I already invited two girls over."

"They were out of men?" he teased.

Juice chuckled, a sound that made his heart flutter. "I didn't want to make you jealous."

His hands glided around Juice's behind and he pulled the man closer. His eyes searched for those of his lover. "Don't worry about that. You don't dare to do more than kissing 'em anyway."

He smirked, satisfied when Juice's cheeks turned red. That however, didn't keep Juice from moving his hand to Raine's crotch to grab him. "You can't convince me it was my kisses that made you cum last week."

"My own fantasies are to blame."

"Fantasies about me giving you a hand job?"

Through the fabric of his pants, Juice kneaded him. Raine wanted nothing more than to pull down those cursed jeans, but he didn't. Not here in the hallway. Instead, he raised his hand and caressed the side of Juice's face.

"I missed you," he said honestly.

The look in Juice's eyes changed. He loved the vulnerability in them, the way he could completely expose himself by just one look. His hand left his erection and moved to his hip. The kiss that followed was soft and loving, and Raine closed his eyes for a moment. Because of a sudden longing for an intimate embrace, he pulled his friend into a tight hug.

He was still stunned by the feelings Juice called up inside him. He had never experienced something like this with his exes. Such a feeling of... being complete when the man was holding him. The fear that he might lose him one day, was paralyzing.

For a long time, they were holding each other. When Raine pulled away, Juice studied his face. "Rough day?"

He sighed. "Yeah."

Sometimes, he hated the fact that he couldn't tell his boyfriend what was on his mind. That there were rumors that someone had discovered their secret storage unit; that they had been forced to move all their shit, while still needing to find out if there actually was a threat. Saying nothing about it was safer than sharing little details.

Juice's hand slipped into Raine's and he took him to the living room and the kitchen. Skye looked up from the couch, a book in her lap. She greeted him with a warm smile.

Juice didn't need to ask what he wanted to drink; instead he got themselves something strong. Next to each other, they sat down on the couch. For a while they chatted. It however, didn't take long before they quietly leaned against each other, while Raine was drawing invisible lines on the inside of Juice's arm.

The Son got up. "Come on, let's go to sleep."

There was a chuckle at the other end of the couch. "Is that the kind of sleep by which I better put on some music because of the high moan frequency?"

Juice kicked her foot. "You won't find better music anyway."

She grinned. "Touché. But it makes me feel lonely."

"Nope, you're not going to join us. Just play here with yourself."

Raine chuckled; he loved their close friendship. He got up, laying his hands on Juice's hips and slowly forcing him to walk backwards, towards his bedroom.

"You heard it, Sky. My boyfriend wants me all to myself."

"Uh-huh. That's why you're _my_ boyfriend."

His goodnight to Skye existed of a wink, then the two bikers stumbled into Juice's bedroom. Locking lips, they undressed each other until they were only wearing boxers. A sigh of longing rolled off his lips when their upper bodies were pressed together. Their lips attacked each other again, their tongues making up lost time when their hands claimed every piece of skin.

* * *

"You liked it?" Raine asked. They were lying next to each other, both panting. They hadn't gone much further, although their position had been different since Raine had been seated behind his lover. He knew the idea of being bottom troubled Juice, and he'd wanted to ease him into the idea, even though he had decided he would be the first one giving himself like that to his lover.

Juice looked up to him. There was shame in his eyes, telling him he'd liked it. He didn't know where Juice's shame was coming from; he still seemed to be afraid to lose his masculinity.

He stroked Juice's side. "Sometimes I fantasize about it," he said honestly. "That we're having sex. That you're inside me. You think that's a turnoff?"

"No," Juice whispered.

"Does it make me less of a man?"

Juice swallowed. A blush spread across his cheeks. "Nothing will make you less of a man."

"The same can be said about you. It's okay to have fantasies like that. It's okay to think it's hot. I don't know where your shame is coming from, but I'm not ashamed of it. And if I'm not ashamed, you don't have to be ashamed either." He leaned into Juice, kissing his lips before they locked eyes again. "It's nobody's business what we do with each other. Nobody will ever know anyway. It's all about what we like; what turns us on; what makes us feel good."

"But I don't know what I like, what makes me feel good," he said, his eyes dropped.

"You do know. Your body speaks a clear language. You will freeze if you don't like it, you will no longer be in the mood to go on. And that's not what happened a few minutes ago; it turned you on. Unless I read you all wrong."

"No," Juice said quietly. "I liked it. It – it felt good." His fingers wandered across Raine's stomach while he looked up, only slightly touching him. "Everything you do feels good."

The words made his stomach flutter. He pulled Juice in his arms. "That's how I feel about it too." He kissed him. "I never regretted us, not for a second," he said. "It feels like all my former relationships are a joke. I never felt like this about anyone. I think – I think I love you, Juice."

Juice laced their fingers, smiling at him. "I love you too. I loved you since the moment you gave me that Rubik's Cube."

He smiled back, stroking Juice's thumb. "What happened to my sister is horrible. Her cancer took her away from me, but it also gave me something beautiful. You. You're like a light in a world that was dark. You make me happy while I believed I would never be happy again."

He heard Juice swallow. The glance in his eyes was fragile, his smile shaky.

His purity was so beautiful.

"I'm sure of it," Raine whispered. "I love you."

He leaned over to his friend again, kissing him softly. He tasted salt, even though he wasn't sure whose tears he was tasting. Nothing itched down his cheeks and yet it felt like they were both crying. Of happiness – a happiness they'd never thought to find and especially not in each other.

* * *

A vibrating phone woke him up. It was still dark outside, alarming him. He sat up straight, because of which Juice's arm slid down his stomach, resting on his lap. The boy snored on, undisturbed. The device on Juice's side of the bed was lighting up and he shook the man's shoulder.

"Someone's calling you."

Something between a grunt and a moan left Juice's lips. He touched for the vibrating phone on the nightstand.

"The club?" Raine asked.

"Yeah," he muttered.

Raine nodded, got out of bed and left the room so Juice could take the call without fearing that his boyfriend picked up on something. The clock in the living room told him it was half past six. Since there were no curtains in front of the windows in the living room, he noticed it was dusky outside. Heading to the kitchen, he filled a glass with water and leaned against the counter top to wait until Juice had finished the conversation.

It didn't take very long; a few minutes later Juice came out of the room.

"You gotta go?" Raine guessed.

"Yeah," Juice sighed.

"Something bad happened?"

Juice shook his head. "No... I don't think so." He seemed to hesitate.

Raine wrapped an arm around his waist, pulling him close and kissing him briefly. "That's all I need to know. Go get dressed, I will make you a quick breakfast."

Juice's hands trailed up and down his sides. "Thanks."

While Juice returned to his room, Raine filled two glasses with milk. Although he'd only slept here a few times, he knew his way around the kitchen so his boyfriend could sit down at the table once he was dressed.

Making breakfast was something so simple... and yet, it messed with his head. Would he ever be able to share a house with his boyfriend? Probably only when they had handed in their kuttes. A step he rather not think about. Not because he couldn't imagine a life without the club, but because he doubted they would ever let him leave knowing it was for the sake of a Son.

Raine tried to push the thought away. That was irrelevant right now. He wanted to savor the moment; last night, waking up next to his boyfriend and making him breakfast.

Raine sat down on a chair and started to eat too. They didn't say a lot to each other, although there was no tense silence. He was still tired, and his friend was deep in thoughts.

"I'll clean it up," he said when Juice was about to take the dishes to the kitchen. "Just go."

Juice hesitated, then he nodded, pecking his lips before he started to put on his boots. Raine gathered their breakfast things and took them to the kitchen. He was busy putting everything in the dishwasher when Juice's arms glided around him, his lips descending down his neck.

"I won't mind getting used to a boyfriend who's standing half naked in the kitchen."

Chuckling, Raine turned around. "Let's see if your roommate likes that idea too."

"I already know she will." Juice grinned, roaming his hands across Raine's torso and sighing softly. He rested his chin on Raine's shoulder. "I hate to leave already."

"Duty calls," he answered lightly. Pushing Juice away, he stuck out his tongue. "Just be a good obedient Son."

Juice rolled his eyes, although a smirk crossed his face. After pressing another kiss against Raine's lips, he turned around, grabbed his stuff and headed to the front door.

From behind the kitchen window he watched his friend leave, intending to wait at least half an hour before he would go out on the streets himself. In Juice's closet he searched for a towel, a shirt and a clean boxer. He'd come here on a whim, not taking anything with him. His clothes however, smelled because of his long working day.

After taking a shower he prepared to leave. Skye hadn't shown her face; she probably started work late. Outside, he put his kutte in the storage box; he didn't want to provoke a fight.

Only when he had left the town, he stopped the bike on a side road to put on his kutte – somehow he felt naked and vulnerable without wearing it. Placing his hands back on the handlebars, he hit the gas.

His arms tensed when he noticed two bikes in the distance. Nobody had a reason to hurt him – and yet it wouldn't be the first time in biker history. The two vehicles raced towards him and he decided to avoid eye contact once they would pass him.

It never came that far.

Suddenly, a black van sped out of a side road, driving the two bikers off the road.

Raine cursed, his heart beating like crazy. The van took off without paying attention to the two bikers. The sight of all the blood on the asphalt made him feel sick; there were even some motor parts. A little further ahead on the shoulder, two men were laying, the black leather telling him they were Sons.

He was in doubt; it was hard to estimate how the two would respond to him. But these guys were Juice's brothers; if they needed medical help and he refused to help them, he would never be able to look his boyfriend in the eye again. Especially when one of them died. He crossed the road, jumped off his bike and started to run. One of the bikes had hit a tree; the body laying lifelessly next to it in a pool of blood.

Oh fuck – this was bad. Really bad.

Especially because the other biker wasn't helping his friend. Was he unconscious – or even dead? The man was laying half under his bike. Raine hurried to the one next to the tree first. Blood – there was so much blood... He had to call an ambulance; he wouldn't be of much help. He reached for the cell phone in his pocket.

Behind him, he heard a superhuman growl and the bike shifted a bit. Raine turned around to help the other to get the Harley off his body. Before he could stretch out his hands to do anything, the bald Son pulled a gun and fired without an ounce of hesitation. An explosion of pain spread through his stomach; it felt like he was torn apart. Screaming he stepped back, in disbelief his shaking hands touched for the blood pouring out of the stomach wound.

He tripped over a tree root and fell on the ground. The pain was horrible, yet he forced himself on his knees to get up and stumble to his bike. He had to leave – he had to leave before that asshole would put another bullet in his body.

It was only a few steps to his bike, but it felt like he was running a marathon. He panted, whimpering because of the pain. His fingers clawed into his seat when he reached his Harley. Before he could climb on top of it, his legs collapsed.

There were voices in the distance, but his world turned dark and he could no longer keep his eyes open.


	21. Waiting In Fear

Juice got a bad feeling. Opie, Jax and Kozik had been sent to ride off to meet with Happy and Tig, who had been on the run and had called for back-up this morning, because they believed someone was tailing them. Barely ten minutes later, Chibs' phone started to ring. 

Juice's eyes shot to his brother, who pressed the device against his ear. "Aye?"

It was silent for a while, then Chibs cursed. 

Juice flinched. "What's going on?" he asked before his friend had ended the call. 

"Hap and Tig were taken to the hospital. None of the bystanders could tell the others what exactly has happened, but Tig was not conscious." His voice was laced with worry. "He rode into a tree."

Cursing, Juice rubbed his face. What a nightmare. 

"We're going to the hospital?"

Chibs nodded grimly. "The boys are already on their way."

Juice pulled his keys out of his pocket and together with the remaining Sons, they headed to the hospital. In the waiting area, they all paced around, waiting for news about their brothers. 

After an hour, they were allowed to enter Happy's room, whose tibia was broken in three places. Quietly, Juice listened to Clay's questions. 

"What happened?"

"A black van drove us off the road. Rammed us from the side. We both went down, and then one biker came after us to finish the job. A Mayan."

"W-what?" Juice answered in shock. 

Clay looked over his shoulder, studying his face. Juice however, felt too nauseous to care about it.

"Well... that's indeed strange," Clay muttered, in thoughts. "We have our history, but something like this..." He shook his head. "Unbelievable."

"I put a bullet in his stomach," Happy answered. "Don't think he's gonna survive."

Juice had the feeling he couldn't breathe. The men were driven off the road close to Charming. Had Raine known about it? The idea that his boyfriend had known that something like this would happen, while they had been intimate last night, made him feel sick to the stomach. No – that couldn't be, right? He had woken him up when Chibs called, Juice had seen the worry in his eyes. 

An even more gruesome thought shot through his head. What if it _was_ Raine? In panic he stormed out of the room, tugging his phone out of his pocket. His fingers were trembling so heavily, it took a hell of a time to press the right name. 

"Come on, pick up, pick up," he whispered. 

But Raine didn't answer the call; in the end, he heard the voicemail. 

Juice tried it again and again, while Happy's words kept circling through his head. _"I don't think he's gonna survive."_

But it couldn't be Raine, right? 

Why would his boyfriend attack his brothers? Was he so in love that he had missed out on Raine's strange behavior? Had his decision to show up so late have something to do with the plan of the morning after? Had he used Juice? Was it his fault that Tig was battling injuries he didn't even know about yet?

"Hey kid." He felt a hand on his shoulder. "Wha's goin' on lad?"

Juice turned towards Chibs. Tears were stinging in his eyes. What if they found out Raine had slept in his bed? Panic squeezed his throat. "What if Tig..." It was all he managed to say. 

"Tig will be fine." Chibs squeezed his shoulder. "He's a Son. He's a fighter. Who'd you try to call?"

Juice understood that Chibs was trying to distract him by asking that question, but it only increased his anxiety. What if – what if he died?

"Juice..." Chibs squeezed him harder, forcing him to answer. 

"M-mouse," he muttered. Yeah – he wanted Mouse. The only one who knew how much Raine meant to him, and who understood how betrayed he would feel if he discovered Raine had really used him. 

"Aye. Sounds good. Ye gotta sit lad, take a few breaths."

Juice followed his brother to some chairs, sat down and called Skye. Ten minutes later she was sitting next to him, pulling him in her arms. He felt ashamed of his mental state, but all he could think of was Raine's dead body, and he was too busy fighting his tears to also fight his longing to be held by someone. 

"Tig will be fine." She kissed his cheek. 

Juice waited until Chibs walked to the others. Then he said softly: "Happy shot a Mayan, he said that he'll probably die. And Raine – Raine doesn't pick up the phone. He doesn't pick up the phone, Mouse."

"Oh baby... I'm so sorry." She took his hands in hers. 

Suddenly he could no longer control himself and he started to sob. Skye wrapped an arm around him, leading him away from the others. 

"You don't know if it's him, sweetheart," she soothed. "He's probably still on his way home; that's why he can't pick up the phone."

"But what – what if this was the reason he came to my house last night? Because he wanted to lure Hap and Tig into a trap? What – what if that's the only reason he wanted to be with me?"

Skye took his face in her hands and gave him a stern look. "He came to you because he missed you, Juice. Because he loves you. I don't believe he would visit you before he would do something like this. That's not him; he wouldn't be able to look you in the eye. If that had been his plan, he would have booked a motel. I'm sure he has nothing to do with all this."

Juice tried to believe her. However, when a group of Mayans suddenly entered the waiting area, his insides cramped up. Raine wasn't with them. 

"He – he's not there," he whispered. "Oh god, he's not there."

As his eye caught Sammy who was standing between the Mayans, crying, he couldn't breathe. 

He had sensed it. It indeed was Raine who was dying.

The world spun around him and he collapsed.

* * *

It felt like some western movie; two groups standing silently across from each other, their faces tense, their hands close to their guns. 

Alvarez was the one breaking the silence. "What is the reason of this warm welcome, boys? We are here to see our brother." His glance moved from Clay to Jax and back. 

"You got some balls to show your face right now," Jax said, his chin raised. 

Alvarez' eyes narrowed. "Are you trying to tell me it was your crew who shot my man?"

"Those are pretty good odds, given the fact that you drove two of my brothers off the road!"

Chibs observed the Mayans in silence, noticing the looks they shared. They seemed genuinely confused. 

Alvarez raised his chin, giving Clay a cold glare. "The rest of my men did not leave Oakland today. It's not our fault that your crew can't ride properly."

"Bullshit," Jax grunted. "A van drove them off the road, and your boy wanted to finish the job."

"I have no idea what you're talking about, _jefe. _I got no reason to execute a stupid action like that, and especially not in your backyard. You better pray that Raine will be conscious, so I can ask him what happened. Do not think we will forget about this."

Chibs' eyes wandered to the crying girl. She was wiping her eyes, looking to the side. To Juice, he saw to his surprise. His friend was a mess; he was paler than a corpse, looking like he would collapse once Skye let go of him. Sure, it was horrible what had happened to Tig, especially because they knew nothing about his condition. However, he'd never expected it would hit Juice so hard. 

The Sons had stepped aside, reluctantly letting the Mayans pass. They couldn't do much in the hospital anyway. First they had to figure out what exactly had happened. Maybe the injured Mayan would confess something to Alvarez which would confirm their accusations. 

Around him, he heard the grumbling of his brothers, who all expressed their dissatisfaction with the situation, doubting Marcus' words. 

"Why else would Happy have gunned him down?" Jax asked. "He must have been a threat."

"His kutte alone is already a threat."

They all turned their heads aside. Skye had gotten up and walked over to them. Her voice was trembling. "Maybe he just wanted to help once they were driven off the road."

Clay snorted. "Why would he? And what else was he doing so close to Charming?"

Skye took a deep breath. "He was with me," she said. "Raine and I... Are dating. I met him at the fundraiser. I know his little sister, Sammy. That's why he was in Charming."

Her confession silenced everyone. Chibs didn't know what to think of it. He watched Juice, who stared at his friend as if this knowledge was new for him too. 

"You knew about this?" Chibs asked. 

"He did," Skye answered. "I told him. He tried to talk it out of my head, but I really like him. We never meet at our house; we always go to a motel so Juice and he don't have to see each other."

"So you think all of this was a coincidence?" Jax asked sceptically. 

"Yeah. Wrong time, wrong place. He knows how much Juice means to me; as far as he knew, it could have been my best friend who was driven off the road."

The men shared some glances. 

It sounded plausible. 

If it was really true. And Chibs doubted it, although he didn't share his doubts with his brothers. 

"So... Is this Raine really yer boyfriend?" Chibs asked a little later, when the others had gone outside to take a smoke. He leaned with his shoulder against the wall and looked at Skye, who was still holding Juice's hand. 

It was strange – she wasn't the one who was in tears and she made no attempt to find out how her boyfriend was. 

Skye nodded; she wasn't avoiding his glance. 

His eyes wandered to Juice and he watched him for a while. He remembered what the boy had confessed to him: that he was in love with a man and didn't want to go public. _No way... Was he...?_

"Can I have a minute with Juice, Skye?"

For a moment, she looked like she wanted to object. Then she stood up, knowing he wouldn't back off. He sat down on Skye's chair. 

Juice was staring at his knees, his breathing heavy. His sadness didn't leave him untouched and he wrapped an arm around his younger brother, pulling him close. 

"He's not Skye's boyfriend, hmm?"

The boy froze. As he looked up skittishly, Chibs read the fear in his eyes. 

Chibs sighed softly. So it was true. Juice had a secret relationship with a Mayan. No wonder he was so stressed lately. 

"Juicy-boy..." He didn't know what more to say. Not now the man was dying. "It's okay," he said, pressing a kiss to Juice's temple. "It's okay, Juice."

Of course it wasn't okay. Chibs had no idea what to do with this knowledge, but he wasn't going to make a decision about it today. He just wanted to be there for his friend. He couldn't imagine how it must feel to know your lover was dying without you being able to be with him. 

Juice stared at him in disbelief and Chibs squeezed his shoulder. "How long's this been goin' on?" It wasn't his intention to interrogate Juice; he just wanted him to keep talking, knowing it would distract him from the chaos in his head. 

"You remember that time you were in the hospital when I was stuck in the elevator? Well, he was with me. I had a panic attack and he helped me through it." Juice bit his lip, looking up. "I've tried to forget about him, but we had such a click and I... I just couldn't get him out of my head. At first we tried to be friends alone because we doubted there was a future for us. When his sister died he needed me... and then you told me to go for it or to let him go... and so I went for it." He bent his head, his cheeks flushing. "You can't imagine how sweet he is, Chibs. I – I love him. Last night – last night we told each other for the first time. That we love each other." Tears started to drip down his cheeks again. "And now – now it might have been the last time. I don't know what to do without him Chibs. I – I never felt like this about anyone. It feels like he's my other halve." Sniffling, he wiped his eyes. "And I – I just don't understand how he can be involved in this. He was with me when you called, he came from another direction than Hap and Tig... And I didn't tell him anything; only that I had to leave."

Chibs thought about it, trying to understand it too. Had Skye spoken the truth? Had the Mayan wanted to help the two men? If he was honest, he didn't know what he would have done himself if two bikers were driven off the road. Would he pretend not to see it? He certainly hoped not...

"Maybe he was indeed trying to help them, startling Hap with his kutte," he said softly, rubbing Juice's back. "I'm sure he will be fine."

He just hoped they hadn't started a war now. A war because of compassion... that would be something new...

"You're gonna tell 'em?" Juice asked in a whisper. "That he and I..." He was silent. 

"For the time being, I won't tell anybody," he promised. "It should come from you anyway."

"I wish I could tell them," he whispered. "But you know as well as I, that they will never accept us."

Chibs tended to agree with him. "It can also be a reason to make peace," he said nevertheless.

Even though that dream seemed further away than ever, if innocent blood had flown today. 

"You think?" Hopefully, Juice looked up to him. 

"I don't know," he admitted. "I hope so." He ran a hand across Juice's Mohawk. "Maybe there will be a good moment to tell them."

Juice bent his head, his bottom lip started to shiver. "Maybe. And maybe he's dead before the sun sets."

Chibs didn't know what else he could say. Instead, he held Juice tightly, praying that both Tig and the Mayan would be all right. 


	22. Words of Love

Skye found it hard to leave Juice behind. He was falling apart, and in addition, Chibs clearly sensed that it wasn't Skye's boyfriend who was brought in with an ambulance. She however, knew Chibs was always concerned about Juice and she tried to believe that he would comfort Juice now, instead of lecturing him. While the two men were talking to each other, she went through the swing doors where the Mayans had disappeared to, determined to spend her time useful by figuring out how Raine was.

In the waiting area, the bikers had grouped together, their faces telling her that they hadn't heard anything positive about Raine. She studied the small crowd until she found Sammy, to whom she walked over. Ignoring the suspicious glances of the others, she grabbed the girl's hand to pull her out of her thoughts. She was sitting at the corner of a three-seater, a Mayan had wrapped an arm around her shoulders. She recognized him from the festival and assumed he was Raine's best friend, Esai.

Sammy looked up when she felt the squeeze in her hand and she stood up, slightly trembling. Skye pulled her in a tight hug. How horrible would it be when your brother was close to dying, only a couple of weeks after burying your sister?

"He will be fine," she whispered as Sammy started to cry, clinging to her body. Soothingly, she stroked the girl's back. "Raine is strong. Have a little faith in him. Let me get you a glass of water, okay?"

Sammy nodded hesitantly, wiping the tears from her face. Skye headed towards the counter and asked for a glass of water. Turning around, she bumped into a Mayan; the same one who had been sitting next to Sammy.

"Who the fuck are you? You were with the Sons."

"I was. Juice is my boyfriend." She gave him an intrusive look. Raine told her what excuse he had used to explain his lack of interest in girls to his brothers, and Skye played along naturally.

Esai's eyes widened a bit. "You serious? You got some serious balls _chica, _for checking up on your secret lover, while your old man is bawling his eyes out in the next room."

Skye was close to slapping him in the face, but she kept her anger in check and stared into his unusual blue eyes. "A woman can love two men," she answered. "Raine knew about my feelings for Juice from the start. I'm cheating on Juice, not on your boy. You can drop that attitude."

Esai huffed, yet he stepped aside. Skye walked past him, returned to the waiting area and handed the glass to Sammy.

"So they don't know anything yet?"

"No," Sammy answered, her face pale. "They only told me he has internal haemorrhaging." She peeked over her shoulder, but the other men were busy. "How's Juice?"

"He can't take it much longer. One of his brothers wanted to talk to him in private. I hope he will draw strength from it." She squeezed Sammy's shoulder. "I live close by. You can come with us, if you like? I know most of the nurses, gonna ask 'em to call me once there's news about Raine. You might find a little more distraction at ours than while waiting here."

Sammy hesitated, then she nodded. "Okay."

Skye gave her a small smile. "I'll let you know when we leave."

Because of the entertainment she offered to the patients, she knew a large part of the staff. In the end, it was Esther she spoke up to. The girl was two years older than she, and Skye knew her since primary school.

"Hey Esther. Can I ask for a favor?"

Esther smiled at her. "Hi, Skye. Yes, of course."

Connivingly, Skye leaned into her, asking her question.

* * *

Both Juice and Sammy were lethargically stirring the spaghetti Skye made them. He was glad Raine's sister was with them; Raine would have wanted him to take care of her. Her presence made it easier to control his own fear and pain, although he still couldn't eat a thing.

"So Chibs knows?" Skye asked after a while.

Juice was surprised it took her so long to ask, but the moment they got home she had been busy making dinner, involving Sammy as much as she could.

"Yeah." With mixed feelings, he thought back to the conversation. Part of him felt relieved. Chibs had responded very understandingly and Juice was grateful for it. Still, he had the feeling his secret had taken off like a balloon, whereby it was only a matter of time before everyone else would notice. "A while back I told him about my feelings for a guy named Kane, so one and one made two."

"What did he say?"

"Not much. That it was okay. That Raine would be fine. And that he wouldn't tell the others."

Skye reached for his hand and gave a squeeze. "I asked one of the nurses to call me once there's news about Raine. I'm sure we can think of a way to get you in his room without the Mayans knowing about it."

* * *

It was 1:30 when Skye's phone started to ring. Juice had avoided his bedroom, afraid of the memories of the night before. He had no illusions; once he would smell Raine's scent on his pillow, he would start to cry again.

The moment he heard the ringtone, he sat up straight on the couch, his fingers balled to fists while anxiously awaiting the news. He barely dared to breathe when Skye took the call. Even before she said something to the caller, she gave Juice a thumbs up.

At least, he was still alive.

The relief was enormous; tears started to gather in his eyes again. While Skye hummed through the phone, she sat down next to him, pulling him close and kissing his temple.

"He's stable," she told him. "We can go to him. There are still two Mayans in the waiting area, the others left. Esther promised to get us there without the guys seeing us, she will inform them once we're gone."

Juice wiped his eyes, giving her a shaky smile.

"Thank you," he whispered emotionally. "Thank you, Mouse."

How he would have pushed himself through this without her help, he didn't know.

* * *

Juice wasn't sure who was squeezing harder; Sammy or him. They had grabbed each other's hand once they'd entered the room. Skye stayed behind with the nurse, giving them a bit of privacy.

The beeps were terrifying. He was scared as hell to hear one long tone, indicating that Raine's heart had stopped beating. Slowly, they shuffled closer. Raine was pale and there was a tube up his nose. Seeing someone who used to be as vital as Raine so vulnerable now, was like a knee in the stomach.

Sammy's breathing faltered as she watched her motionless brother. A silent tear dripped down her cheek. This image had to be far too familiar for her.

"It's horrible to see him like this," she whispered. "I – I’ll wait in the hallway, okay?"

Her tense voice told him how close she was to a panic attack, so he nodded. Knowing Skye would take care of her, he stayed behind on his own. He stepped closer to the bed, took Raine's hand in his own and kissed his fingers.

"I was so afraid," he whispered. "Don't leave me, love. I need you. Please, wake up soon."

He kept holding Raine's hand, with the other he carefully caressed his stubbly cheek. Yesterday they had been so happy, and only a few hours later he had almost lost him. He hovered over him, kissing Raine's forehead.

"I love you," he said, his voice shaking. "I love you so much."

He bent his head, leaning his head against Raine's. As the tears started to roll down his cheeks again, he pulled back before they would fall on Raine's face. For a moment, he let go of Raine's hand to pull a chair closer, then he grabbed his hand again, praying that he would wake up soon.

* * *

Raine had the feeling that he was buried alive. Far away he heard sounds, but he couldn't distinguish them. There was no light and breathing was hard... And he neither managed to call for help. The panic flaring up inside him had nowhere to go; it echoed in his head and paralyzed all his muscles.

But eventually, it felt like someone was digging him up, removing the sand. Someone had come to rescue him, someone who couldn't live without him... Although he couldn't remember the exact words, he simply _felt _that someone had spoken these to him. The heaviness slipped away, although he still felt drowsy and wasn't able to open his eyes.

He however, heard beeping sounds. And someone was holding his hand, kissing the back of it every few seconds.

"Juice?" he whispered.

The word felt like a precious memory. His brain refused to link a meaning to the word, but he knew it was important.

"Yes... Yes baby, I'm right here beside you..."

The voice of a man. Full of tears, but nevertheless immensely relieved.

Once again he tried to lift his eyelids. Instead of succeeding, he slipped back into a crushing void.

* * *

He had no idea how many times he woke up and slipped back into oblivion, but the man kept holding his hand and continued to whisper sweet things. It helped him to break away from his sedated condition, until he finally managed to open his eyes. At first he could only see a blur, then he looked into two brown eyes that were filled with tears.

"Hey," he said in a hoarse voice. Warmth filled his chest as he looked at the man. Juice. Yeah – he remembered him. His boyfriend, his partner, his lover. A Son.

Juice took Raine's face in his hands, giving him a hesitant kiss. "I was so scared. So scared to lose you."

Raine looked around and realized he was in a hospital bed. "What happened?"

"We're not sure. Someone drove two of my brothers off the road, there after they saw you and one of them shot you."

Raine's hand moved to his stomach. Through the hospital gown he could feel the bandages. At the same time, images of the crash flashed through his head.

"Your brother, who hit a tree... Did he survive?" His throat hurt, but he probably needed a nurse to get something to drink and he wanted to be alone with his boyfriend a little longer.

"He is in a medically induced coma. He has a brain haemorrhage, five fractured vertebrae and three broken ribs."

"Shit. That's bad."

The defeated look on Juice's face gave him a cramping feeling in his chest. He wanted to lift his hand to caress Juice's face, but he felt exhausted. Sluggishly he shoved aside, making room for Juice.

"Can you hold me?" he asked quietly.

Instinctively he knew Juice needed it to fully believe that he was still alive, and Raine himself also wanted to feel Juice's strong arms around him. It felt like a miracle that they were able to hold each other at all.

Juice seemed to hesitate, then he carefully climbed on the bed, paying attention to the tubes that were connected to Raine's body. Raine closed his eyes when Juice wrapped an arm around him and kissed the corner of his mouth.

Raine smiled at him, even though his lips were quivering.

"I saw them being driven off the road," he said softly. He paused, looking for words. He felt incredibly dazed, as if he could fall asleep any moment. He was probably on a lot of morphine. "I wanted to help. They were your friends, your brothers... But they considered me as an enemy. I knew I was taking a risk..." He looked up to Juice. "But I did it for you. I did it for you, baby."

Tears filled Juice's eyes again. Their fingers laced.

"I love you," Juice whispered. "That's all I could think the past hours. That I love you so much and that I want to spend so much more time with you... I was so scared that... that you would never wake up again..."

"I kept seeing your face. Your name was buzzing through my head. I couldn't remember anything, not even my own name – but I knew I loved you."

It all sounded very mushy – but it was true. The love they were sharing was something special; he could feel it in every fibre of his being. Juice leaned into him to kiss him gently, then he glided off the bed.

"I have to warn a nurse. And Sammy wants to see you too."

Before he could walk away, Raine's hand glided to Juice's. "You comin' back? How – how did you manage to get here?"

"It's in the middle of the night. Skye knows the nurses, they won't permit your brothers to come in until I'm gone." He squeezed his hand. "And I won't leave anytime soon."

It was an immense relief. There was a raw fear inside him to slip back into the suffocating darkness, and Juice's presence pulled him back to the here and now like a magnet.

"I love you, Juice."

He knew he said that a few minutes ago as well, but after what had happened to him, he couldn't say it enough times. Juice needed to know it, so he would never forget. Raine knew his injury was serious and complications could kill him. His family showed a habit of losing the battle against their own bodies and it made him realistic. His mother had never stopped telling how much she loved him, and neither had his sister. When he tried to remember their voices, these were the words he’d hear. If there was no future for Juice and him, he wanted Juice to hear these words when he remembered him.

Juice's thumb stroked his cheek. "I love you, too. You will be fine, love." He lifted the corner of his mouth, showing him an encouraging smile. "And we will be fine, too. Someday, we will find a place where we are allowed to love each other."

There was as much pain as hope in these last words. While he watched Juice leave the room, a lonely tear rolled down his cheek.


	23. Wounded Love Birds

Chibs wasn't stupid. He was aware of the fact that Skye knew half of the hospital staff, and he expected nothing less from her than smuggling Juice to his boyfriend's room. He told Opie he was going to stretch his legs for a minute. The Mayans hadn't shown their faces again, although he knew some of them were still in the adjacent waiting area. Leaving Tig all alone was too risky, but he believed Opie would manage while he was taking a break. 

The hospital was quiet. He wandered through the hallways, entering places he knew he wasn't allowed to be. The few nurses who were crossing his path quickly turned away their faces after one intrusive look. 

After 15 minutes, he found Skye. She was sitting on a chair, next to the girl who had been with the Mayans. Her eyes widened as she saw him. Quickly, Skye got up. 

"Chibs... What are you doing here?"

"Wha' do ye thin' I'm doin' here?" he grunted. 

He wanted to see Juice's boyfriend with his own eyes. He knew how easily Juice was influenced. The past hours he had constantly thought about the secret he had discovered, and he needed to be sure his younger brother wasn't played by the Mayan. He didn't think it was far-fetched that the Mayan would only be with Juice because he believed the boy was an easy way in. 

"You wanna know how Raine is?" she asked after staring into his eyes for a while. 

Chibs' eyes flashed to those of the young girl that was with them. He nodded slowly. 

"He woke up an hour ago," Skye told him. "The nurse told the Mayans that he is stable and that he woke up, but he can't receive any visitors before the sun comes up."

Chibs was silent for a while, he had to admit she had taken care of the situation very well. 

Skye studied his face, then her lips bent into a smile. She opened the door on a crack and motioned him closer. Although Chibs had initially wanted to rush in to interrogate the Mayan, he now looked over Skye's shoulder into the hospital room. His heart softened at the tender sight. Juice was curled up on his side next to the Mayan, who was lying on his back. Juice's hand was resting upon his boyfriend's chest, their faces towards each other while they were quietly talking. Now and then they kissed each other; on the lips, their noses or their eyebrows, and despite Raine's situation he could hear them chuckle or even laugh softly. 

Chibs couldn't hear any exact words, but he sensed they were drenched in love. It felt like he was watching two smitten teenagers, as they were completely lost in each other's eyes, being unable not to touch each other; all the time there were small touches showing the love they felt for each other. 

Chibs' glance lingered upon the Mayan's face. He didn't think he was much older than Juice himself – somewhere in his late twenties. His hair was short cropped, and on the right side of his head there were two shaved lines. A shadow of facial hair covered his jaw, chin and the space between his lip and nose. As expected, the man didn't look like a pussy; he seemed to be the most confident of the two and Chibs suspected him to have taken the initiative. 

Skye nudged his elbow. "Aren't they adorable?" she whispered, her eyes sparkling. 

Chibs sighed. Yeah – they were. And that was not a conclusion he was happy about. It had been so much easier if the Mayan had just wanted to use Juice. 

"You trust him?" he whispered back. "You're not afraid that he will... take advantage of Juice's feelings?"

Determined, Skye shook her head. "Absolutely not. They are very much in love, the both of them. Raine needs Juice just as much as the other way around." Skye looked him in the eye. "Can't you feel it? Someone fought for his life in this room, but the room is filled with love right now. They are both scared. That Raine will have a relapse; that someone finds out about them; that they can't see each other anymore. And still, their love covers all their doubts and fears. Their love is so pure, Chibs. I think it's beautiful." Her lips were quivering and she wiped her eyes. "They got me all mushy. I've never seen Juice like this; he's so happy since he stopped fighting his feelings." She gave him an intrusive look. "Don't fuck this up for them, Chibs. It will break him. He already lost so much in his life."

Chibs swallowed. Her plea caused a lump in his throat, which he quickly hid behind a grimace. He didn't like to be put on the spot; that he was suddenly responsible for Juice's happiness. He needed to look at what was best for the club, and not for Juice alone. A relationship between a Mayan and a Son... He just couldn't ignore his doubts. Especially if they loved each other as much as Skye claimed they did. 

He turned his attention back to the room. Moving his weight to his other foot, he accidentally touched the door, causing it to crack. The Mayan snapped his head to the side, his eyes widening as he met Chibs' gaze. Cursing, the man sat up straight, his hand pushing against Juice's chest as if he wanted to shove the boy behind him to protect him, even though his body was clearly too weak to be of any use.

It broke something inside him, the thought that this Mayan believed he would cause his young friend any harm because of his unusual choice of partner. 

"It's okay," Juice said quickly, taking Raine's hand in his. "He knows. About us."

The eyes of the wounded man flickered suspiciously, not leaving Chibs' eyes for a second. 

"Why?" Raine asked, raising his voice. It sounded raspy, as if he had been coughing for an hour. 

"He – I..." Juice sighed. "I lost it, and he figured it wasn't Skye's boyfriend who was shot."

Slowly, Chibs stepped closer, his hands raised in a sign of surrender. 

He noticed how the man's muscles tensed with every step; he didn't take away his eyes from the older Son. 

"You gotta be Chibs," he noted when Chibs reached his bed. 

Now Chibs was only a foot away from the boy, he saw how bad he looked and how much effort it took him to feign his current strength.

Chibs nodded slowly. His eyes wandered to Juice, who was slightly blushing. His eyes were wide, as those of someone who longed for approval. 

"You realize I could have been someone else too, Juice?" He had wanted to sound stern, but his last words ended in a sigh. 

"I know," Juice muttered, bending his head. With one hand, he had already been holding the Mayan's hand, but now he covered the man's fingers with his other hand as well. "But I wanted to be with him. I – I had to," he whispered. 

Raine laid a kiss on Juice's temple before resting his head against that of his boyfriend as if he was gathering energy. He looked up again. Chibs saw how hard he was trying to man up, believing that he needed to be strong for Juice, but the surgery had worn him out in such a way Chibs easily picked up on his fear. He wasn't scared of what Chibs would do to him, but the thought of what all this would mean for his relationship with Juice did frighten him. 

For a while, Chibs stared at the two men, weighing his options. He knew what the club demanded from him – but the two young lads did something to him, and right now he felt more like helping them than smashing their happiness to pieces. 

"Why don't ye tell me wha' happened?" he said to the Mayan. 

Despite his exhaustion, Raine didn't look at Juice to ask him to tell the story. He was not a quitter – nor was he the type of person to evade his responsibilities. 

"I was on my way home when two bikers were driven off the road by a black van. They laid down their bikes; one of the bikes was a total loss. I headed towards them to help them and saw that one of them had crashed into a tree. I wanted to call the ambulance, but before I could do so, the other was trying to wrestle himself from under his bike. I wanted to help him to lift the vehicle and then he shot me."

He didn't stammer; he was radiating nothing but calmness. Chibs believed him. 

"And ye didn't expect someone from another club to shoot ye?" Chibs asked, still a bit sceptical. 

"I knew I was taking a risk. But they were Juice's brothers. His friends. I would never be able to look him in the eye if one of them died because I was too chicken to help."

Chibs sighed. It was brave – and it showed how much he loved Juice. It was sad that the man had almost died because he had wanted to help someone. While the two boys were leaning against each other, Chibs wondered what was best. Nobody was looking forward to a gang war, and certainly not because of this. 

"I'll call Clay and tell him I wanna be there when yer brothers come and visit ye for the first time, so I can hear ye story first-handed. If he agrees, I'll call Alvarez to ask for his permission. Hopefully it will show a bit o' goodwill from our side, so we can get past this misunderstanding."

Raine nodded, holding Chibs' glance. "Thanks," he said. "For giving us a chance."

Chibs nodded back. "Don't make me regret it."

Then he turned around so the two love birds could crawl into each other's arms before the sun came up, and they were forced to be apart again. 


	24. Yours

Raine was relieved that besides four of his brothers, also Chibs and the Son's vice-president entered his room. Hopefully he could solve this misunderstanding and prevent a _real _war. That would only make things more difficult for Juice and him. 

His boyfriend had left a few hours ago. Raine had tried to reassure him by telling him that he would make sure that both clubs would reconcile, but Juice's voice of doom would probably turn into a winner again. 

He smiled sadly as his brothers hugged him and Esai kissed his forehead. 

"You scared the shit out of us, bro," he said quietly. 

Raine's glance wandered to Chibs and his blond brother. He didn't know if he was glad that Chibs knew his secret. It might do Juice well, but Raine kept in mind that Chibs might only be this compliant because he was in a hospital bed, with a chance that he might never leave it. 

"The Sons insisted on visiting you," Alvarez spoke, the approval in his voice telling him he hadn't been glad about it. 

Raine nodded slowly. "Your brothers who were driven off the road... how are they?"

The alert blue eyes of the vice-president studied his face. It took a while before he answered. "One is fine. The other awaits a long haul."

Silence fell. Raine closed his eyes. He felt exhausted; he really wasn't in the mood for a conversation like this. He missed Juice's calming presence, his fingers which wandered across his body in admiration and his soft kisses which made him forget about every pain and fear.

"I saw them driven off the road by a van," he told them eventually. He wasn't sure if someone had asked him a question; for a moment his mind had slipped to a reality in which Juice and he had been alone. His voice sounded hoarse and he felt feverish. Nevertheless, he aimed his eyes on the blond biker. "I knew they were Sons. But the moment they laid their bikes down, I could only see two men in need of help."

"And then they shot you," Esai said in a grunt. "Fuckin' assholes." He scowled at the two Sons. 

The blonde raised his hands in defeat. "My man acted out of instinct. He had no reason to assume that a Mayan would be willing to help them. Also, your boy reached for something inside his inside pocket. Hap thought it was a gun."

"I wanted to grab my phone to call an ambulance," Raine sighed. He squeezed his eyes shut – sighing hurt. "But when that bald guy was about to be crushed under his bike, I wanted to help him first."

The two men kept silent. 

"I'm sorry things ended the way they did," Chibs said eventually. 

Esai snorted. "Easy for you to say. He coulda been dead. Don't think we–"

"Esai..." he sighed. "I knew what risk I was taking. But letting someone bleed to death because I'm a coward – that's not me. I got a bullet in the stomach in return, but I don't think I would change my mind during a next time. I don't want anyone to avenge me. If you want to do something, just shake hands and put this behind you. I know I was transferred to Oakland only a while ago and that I'm not part of the history between your clubs, but it's sad to leave someone to die only because there are different symbols sewn to their kuttes. If I'm judged for helping someone, there might not be a future for me in this club."

"Nobody is judging you, son," Alvarez said, squeezing his shoulder. He turned his face towards the Sons. "Hopefully you are now convinced that we are not the ones who drove your boys off the road."

Raine's glance rested on Chibs, who gave him an almost imperceptible nod. 

"You sound sincere," Jax told him when Raine moved his glance to him. "I'm grateful for how you wanted to take care of my men. It shows courage. I hope you will recover well and that we can indeed put this behind us."

A suffocating silence filled the room. Alvarez held out his hand to the blond Son. When he answered the gesture, Raine closed his eyes in relief. 

No gang war. His lover and he weren't forced to become _real _enemies. 

At least for now.

* * *

Juice had wanted to see his boyfriend the moment he was dismissed from the hospital, but he had to wait almost two weeks. Raine wasn't allowed to ride and even though Juice had wanted to visit him, Raine had refused. His brothers didn't leave him out of sight and Juice had no excuse to come anywhere near Oakland, while both Mayans and Sons knew Raine's lover was living in Charming. Furthermore, they still didn't know who had driven Happy and Tig off the road, so hitting the road all alone was a bad idea anyway. As hard as it was – Juice had decided to be wise and to take no risks. If he became a victim now, it would take even longer before they would see each other again. 

But today, Raine had visited the doctor and he was finally allowed to ride his bike again, and to build up his activities. They would be alone tonight – Skye had decided to visit her family. 

Juice had left the garage a little earlier to cook. Usually Raine and he ate something simple but today he wanted to surprise his boyfriend with a real dinner. He was smiling from ear to ear when he heard the doorbell ring, and he felt like a ten year old boy who was receiving his biggest birthday gift. 

Butterflies swirled through his stomach when he opened the door and saw his boyfriend. Even though he wasn't wearing his kutte, he was still wearing leather; a brown jacket over a white shirt. It was a colour Juice hadn't seen him wear much, but it looked good on him. 

"Hey," Raine said, stepping inside. 

The door was barely closed when the two men were pressed against the wall, kissing each other as if their lives depended on it. Their hands slipped underneath their shirts, touching the flesh they'd missed for so long. 

"Fuck – you smell so good," Raine grumbled before his lips attacked Juice's neck. "A new cologne, huh?"

Juice's hands glided to Raine's ass, pulling his friend against his waist. His excitement wasn't inferior to that of his lover. "Just for you," he answered. He moved his left hand to Raine's neck while his boyfriend sucked his skin. 

"This one is just for you, too," Raine chuckled, stroking his tongue across the hickey he'd just left. 

His eyes were sparkling when he looked at Juice again. The impetuousness faded away when he cupped Juice's face with both of his hands and pressed a loving kiss to his lips. 

"I missed you, baby."

Juice closed his eyes as Raine's thumbs slightly caressed his cheeks. He had missed Raine, too – he had missed him terribly. More than once he had woken up in sweat, convinced that Raine had died in the hospital. His arms slipped around Raine's upper body and he held him tight. 

"Missed you too," he said quietly. "I hope it won't take that long next time."

Raine heaved a sigh, the look in his eyes becoming bleak. 

"W–"

Before he could ask a question, Raine pecked his lips. "I don't wanna think about club shit now, okay? This evening it's you and me. You and me alone."

This evening? Was he not going to stay the night? Juice bit his lip. He kept the question to himself; he didn't want to ruin the mood by acting like a clingy boyfriend. 

"I made dinner," he said instead. He forced a smile around his lips, even though he knew Raine would see through. "For the first time in my life I looked up a recipe."

Raine smirked at him and entered the living room. "You Sons are so bored you start cookin'?" he teased. 

"Fucker," he muttered, but he smirked back and followed him into the room. He caught his friend staring at the set table. 

"This almost looks romantic," Raine said with a grin. He wrapped an arm around Juice and kissed his jaw. "Where is the candle light?"

"I don't have candles."

Raine looked him in the eye, brushing his nose with his own. "Yeah, you do," he whispered. "But you were afraid I would call your romantic approach cheesy."

Blushing, Juice dropped his eyes. His boyfriend knew him too well. 

Raine laughed quietly, lifting his chin with his index finger and kissing him. "I want candles," he said. "And wine. And romantic music."

A little insecure, Juice tried to read the look in his eyes, not knowing if the man was mocking him or not. Raine's hand glided to the back of his head and he pulled him closer for a kiss. Controlled and with a tenderness setting his whole body on fire. 

When Raine pulled back his head, he brushed Juice's bottom lip. "I'm in love with you, Juan. I'm very much in love with you." With his beautiful brown eyes, he looked at Juice. "And I'd love to have a romantic dinner with my boyfriend."

Juice felt his knees go weak. The warm feelings that were swirling inside him, almost became too much for him and it caused a lump in his throat. Not trusting his voice, he hugged his boyfriend. For a long time, they kept standing there like that, until Juice was sure he had recomposed himself. 

"Well – I guess I'll pull up the candles," he said. "You can put on some music."

* * *

They were sitting at the table for almost two hours tasting Juice's cooking, talking to each other and laughing. There were a few silences, in which they listened to the music, their fingers laced while they were enjoying each other's company. It all felt so good. There had been many moments Juice had felt awkward to do things like this with a man, but Raine made everything feel normal. Made everything feel better.

Juice read the longing in Raine's eyes – a longing he felt too, which filled every inch of his body. 

"Come," he said, shoving his chair backwards. Their hands laced as they headed to Juice's bedroom, where they took off their shirts. Before Juice could decide if he wanted to keep it at that, he felt Raine's lips on his. He kissed him hard, his fingers gliding across the buckle of Juice's belt while Juice did the same. Almost synchronously their pants slid down. 

Juice started to feel nervous. Would today be the day they cuddled with all their clothes stripped off for the first time? He wanted it – yet it made him feel shy. Raine however, made no attempt to take off their boxer briefs. 

They crawled on top of the bed, letting their hands roam across their upper bodies, kissing the skin they found access to. Juice sighed in pleasure when his lover's fingers caressed every inch of his skin, setting his whole body on fire. He rolled on top of his boyfriend; feeling how their bodies were being pressed together caused an almost ecstatic feeling. He was aware of Raine's erection pressing against his own hard length. He had never seen it. He could no longer deny his curiosity – not only to what he would look like, also to how he would taste. Would Raine already want that?

He kissed the tattoo covering the largest part of Raine's chest, and from there he found a way to his neck and lips. His lover's hands glided into his boxers, kneading his behind. His dick hardened even more and he rubbed it across Raine's waist, who let out a deep groan setting his stomach on fire. Increasing the friction, he left heated kisses at his lover's neck. 

"Juice..." His name sounded like a mixture of a moan and a sigh. Raine's hands left his briefs and settled on his back when Raine rolled them on their sides. "I'd love to go on with this for the next few hours, but I gotta tell you somethin' before I leave."

"Leave?" Juice asked quietly. The excitement vanished. It was obviously not something nice that his boyfriend was about to tell him. 

"Yeah." Raine sighed, moving his hand across Juice's chest. "I can't stay tonight. Only when I leave at 5, but if I let my desires drag me along, we will barely be asleep by then. I'm sure I won't hear the alarm clock."

Despite the pit in his stomach, Juice's cheeks flushed. "Where will you go?" he asked softly. 

He read the hesitation in Raine's eyes and dropped his glance. He couldn't tell him. 

Raine cupped his jaw with his hand, raising his head. "Santo Padre," he said. "They got beef with another club and need extra man power."

"But you left the hospital only two weeks ago!" Indignantly, Juice sat up straight. "You have to take it easy for at least four weeks!"

"I will be fine."

"I can't believe they're sending _you _after what happened to you!" He pursed his lips. 

"I know the guys, I know the area and I have a good shot. It's not that weird, Juice. I can take care of myself. I'm not reckless."

"Not reckless? You're tellin' me you were shot because you were so careful?!"

Raine sat up straight too, hard lines appeared on his face. It made him flinch – he had never seen his boyfriend angry. 

"I was shot because _your_ brothers needed help. Because I didn't want you to lose a friend, because I love you, Juice. What I did wasn't because I don't care about my own life, but because I care so much about yours."

Juice bent his head. He knew his snark had been unfair, but he was just... scared. Raine wasn't completely healed, he would be an easy target. 

Raine added no other word, nor did he touch him. With a stab in his stomach, Juice looked up. He had hurt his friend, who had turned his head away. Hesitating, Juice took his hands, afraid the man would pull them away. He didn't.

"I care about you too," he said softly. "I'm just –" His throat felt thick and he took a deep breath. "I'm just afraid something will happen to you. Every night... Every night I see you in that hospital bed. You were so close to dying..."

"Love..." Raine sighed, lifted his hands and pressed them against his lips before he continued to talk. "Don't think you're the only one with thoughts like that. I was scared, Juice. I was terrified that I would never be able to hold you again, that I would never see you again. I won't let that happen again, okay? I won't take any unnecessary risks; I will only be there to back up the guys and they won't throw me for the wolves in my current condition. But I have to go. You understand that, right?"

Of course Juice understood. If they told him to go to Tacoma for a month, he wouldn’t have a choice either. "I do," he sighed. "But I hate having to miss you again."

"Me too, love. Me too. But that's just how things are. And don't forget that I've barely shown my face the past year because of Rosa's sickness. I just want to show them they can count on me."

Juice understood. He also felt the continuous need to prove himself and Raine was still 'the new one'. He laid down on his side again, snuggling up to his lover. "How long will you be gone?"

"I don't know. At least a week. Maybe a month. Sasha will stay with my dad. They told me this afternoon, so I took care of that immediately."

A week. A month. 

Juice didn't even want to think about it. Burying his face against Raine's chest, he started to press small kisses to his skin. They had only a few more hours, he didn't want to waste them by dreading their goodbye. 

"You might be gone for a month..." he said, looking up. "While your ex is livin' close, right?"

"She is. And don't forget about the guy I kissed," Raine teased. 

Juice rolled his boyfriend on his back, climbed on top of him, grabbed his wrists and pressed them against the mattress. Raine's eyes were sparkling with lust. 

"Then I'll have to mark you so they all know you belong to me."

Raine laughed quietly when Juice started to kiss his neck, painting his skin with hickeys. 

"And I should also give you a memory to live on the next weeks."

When their eyes met again, Raine raised himself and kissed him hungrily. 

"Go ahead, gimme that memory," he grunted in Juice's ear.

Juice pushed him back on the mattress. The satisfied smirk on Raine's face sent tingling’s through his body. He started to kiss Raine's chest and descended further down, licking and kissing the deliciously warm skin. Very lightly, he pressed kisses around the scar on his stomach, then he went further down. Raine gasped when Juice traced his tongue across the skin above his waistband. A deep longing swam through his veins, making him shiver. 

Yet, he looked up until his eyes met Raine's. "I want more," he said in a hoarse voice. 

"Then take more," his lover whispered. "Take everything you want."

Juice's breathing faltered as he realized what Raine's words meant. His cheeks started to flush and he felt his hard member twitch at the thought of burying himself deep inside his lover. _But not now, _he told himself. It would be their first time and he didn't want Raine to leave afterwards. 

Once more he pressed his lips against Raine's lower stomach, then his fingers curled around his friend's underwear and pulled it down. From the way Raine had felt in his hand, he had already concluded they didn't differ much in size. He leaned back a little and glanced at his lover's body, who was completely naked now. He was gorgeous. Sexy, tough, beautiful... His stomach fluttered. 

"You're so beautiful." He looked up to him, leaned into him and kissed him lovingly. "You're perfect."

Raine's fingertips caressed his cheek. He smiled. "And I'm all yours. Claim what's yours." He winked. 

Another pink tinge spread across his cheeks. Bending his head, he continued his love-making, leaving behind a bit of his love for this man at every inch of his chest and stomach and further down. 

* * *

"That felt fuckin' good." Raine kept Juice's glance. "You're delicious."

"You don't know that for sure yet," Juice teased. 

"Every part of you is delicious." He kissed his lips before he rolled him on his back. "But maybe I should indeed find out if it's really true."

With a dreamy smile, Juice closed his eyes while Raine's lips explored his body. It felt amazing – he could do this all night. Fingers caressed his muscles, lips followed. As Raine reached his waist, the heat flared up. He wanted nothing more than being taken into the wonderful heat of Raine's mouth; the thought of it already made him moan. Raine's fingers glided across his boxers, stroking his erection before he moved them to his waistband. 

And then a phone rang. 

It rang twice before Juice was able to identify the sound. 

"Fucking hell," he grumbled as he realized it was his burner. He was tempted to ignore it, but he knew they wouldn't call him for no reason at this hour. 

"The club?" Raine asked. 

"I guess," he sighed. 

Raine smirked. "Then I better not blow you during your phone call."

"You wouldn't be the first one."

Raine's hand slid underneath him, squeezing his ass. "But it might be a little problematic if you moan my name." He winked. "Enough with the dirty talk. Take that damn call."

Shaking his head, Juice nudged him with his knee before sliding off his bed, taking the device from the pants that were lying on the floor. 

"Hey," he said.

"Juice." It was Chibs. "Ye took yer time."

"Yeah – it was in my room."

"Your phone or your lover?" 

His cheeks felt heated. "Both," he answered softly. "Is there something wrong?"

"I'm afraid there is," Chibs sighed. "We need you at the clubhouse."

"What? Why?"

"See you there."

Chibs ended the call. 

With a heavy feeling in his chest, Juice tossed the phone on the bed, wondering if Chibs kept any details from him because of Raine. 

"You gotta go?" Raine asked. He sounded as disappointed as Juice felt. 

"Yeah," he sighed. "We already had so little time... and now it's been even less."

Raine got up, left the bed and pulled him into a hug. He seemed close to saying something, but in the end they kept silent, letting the silence speak for itself. 


	25. Sometimes Dreams Come True

Juice laced his fingers with Raine's and leaned forward for a last kiss. With closed eyes he enjoyed the caress of Raine's tongue and the soft pressure of his lips. In the end, their foreheads rested against each other. Juice didn't want to voice his worries, but he knew Raine could read them in his eyes when their glances melted. It wasn't nothing. They both knew this life well enough to know danger was always around. 

"I love you," Juice said. Moving his hands upwards, he cupped Raine's face. His thumb brushed his bottom lip that was part of a beautiful smile. "And I'm going to miss you." For a moment he closed his eyes, navigating through his thoughts to see if there were other things he wanted to tell him. Raine gave him room to do so, his hands slowly moving up and down Juice's sides. He opened his eyes again, his cheeks flushing. "And I had a great time tonight. I loved... enjoying you in a way like that." His voice trembled when his shyness was teasing him, but he didn't drop his eyes.

Raine kissed the thumb that was still resting against his lip, running his tongue across it before sucking it into his mouth. "Once I'm home again, it's something else than your thumb I want in my mouth."

Juice's blush deepened when those words peaked the interest of his member, which was waking up very quickly. 

Raine leaned closer to him, kissing his earlobe. "And don't you dare to let a club whore anywhere close this guy," he whispered, palming his crotch and squeezing his hand teasingly. "For he belongs to me." He kept moving his fingers across the heated area while nipping at his neck. With a voice that sounded dark with possession, he grumbled: "To me alone."

Juice let out a deep moan. He felt meek; if Raine would unbuckle his belt now he wouldn't object, not even now his brothers were impatiently waiting for him. 

Raine chuckled quietly, then he pulled back his hand. His lips dotted kissed up to Juice's lips. Juice was about to surrender himself to a passionate kiss, but Raine pulled back a little and sighed. 

"It's damn hard to let you go, but we don't want your brothers to show up at the door now." His hands glided upwards, settling on Juice's chest. "Be careful. And don't worry about me; I will be fine." He lifted the corner of his mouth. "And the only body I will be fantasizing about, is yours." Once more he pressed his lips against Juice's. "I love you." His fingers curled around the fabric of Juice's shirt. "And now leave, before I won't let you."

Juice heard the despair that was hidden behind those words. They weren't ready to part, they had barely been able to deal with Raine's almost dead experience. He gave his boyfriend one more hug, whispered how much he loved him and turned away. 

He had to leave. He had no choice. 

* * *

His heart felt heavy when he entered the clubhouse. He knew he should worry about the news they were about to tell him, but it felt like Raine had already hijacked his mind. He just couldn't shake off the bad feeling. The only thing helping him, was recalling the intimate moments of today. Their romantic dinner, their love leading to a new experience in his bed, the sweet words Raine had just told him... As long as he focused on these things, a deep warmth filled his chest while his stomach was tingling. Then he believed he was the happiest man on earth, even when it might take weeks before he was reunited with his lover again. 

Only when he reached the others who had gathered in front of the bar, he managed to push away all thoughts about Raine and focus on the club. 

"Sorry," he muttered, avoiding Chibs' glance. "I went to bed early because I didn't feel well and I couldn't find my keys."

It was a lame excuse – especially because he had fixed locations for all his stuff. But whenever the chaos in his head was consuming him, it sometimes happened that he forgot about them and had no clue where to start looking. 

"What's going on?"

"Mary is missing."

"Mary..."

It took a while before he understood they spoke about Opie's mother. Dazed, his eyes went from Opie to his dad; they were the only father and son within the club. 

"She would pick up the kids from school," Opie sighed, rubbing his frowned forehead. "But she never showed up."

Juice knew the woman was very serious about the care for her grandchildren; she believed she was the only one being able to teach them something good. 

"But why did you wait so long to set things in motion?" he wondered.

"She divorced Pops so long ago," Opie answered. "I didn't think it had anything to do with the club. We've had misunderstandings before, I thought she was on a day trip. But when we asked around in the neighborhood, someone mentioned an unknown black van had been in the street."

_A black van... _

"You think she's taken by the same people who drove Hap and Tig off the road?"

The men nodded, their faces earnest. Juice could only agree with them. Putting down his bag on the table, he took out his laptop and started it up. 

While there were conversations about the usefulness of a lock down in the background, Juice started to look for camera footage in the area of where Mary lived. There were traffic cams three streets ahead, but it felt like searching for a needle in a haystack. 

"They will call," Jax sighed eventually. 

But when morning came, nobody had called. Juice's eyelids felt heavy. There had been a few black vans that fitted the description and he had followed them as far as he could. It led to two addresses, but these turned out to be dead ends. 

Chibs laid a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it. "Ye did wha ye could lad. We have no choice but to wait. Take some rest, and keep yer phone close."

Juice nodded. Exhausted, he returned home and crawled into his bed, inhaling the scent on his blankets and pretending his lover was near. 

* * *

Close to noon he woke up. There was a sting in his stomach; as it seemed, their unknown enemy had stroke again. Again, they lacked a lead and they could only guess about the reason this was happening to them. Why the hell would they take the mother and ex wife of a Son? Sitting up straight, he sighed. He wished Raine had been lying next to him so he could snuggle up to his warm body and forget about everything for just one moment. He however was alone and would stay alone for a long time. With a heavy heart he started to dress himself. Right when he wanted to leave his room, he noticed a note on his night stand. Curiously, he picked it up. His lips bent into a smile when he recognized Raine's writing.

_As each star comes out to shine_   
_As the wind rustles across the land_   
_As the moonlight sweeps across the room_   
_I'll think of you._

_When the sun burns its morning greeting_   
_When the birds chirp and swoop through the sky_   
_When the leaves of the trees dance through the air_   
_I'll think of you._

_During the haze of late afternoon sun_   
_During the smooth swirl and flow of the clouds across the sky_   
_During the fade of the bustling day_   
_I'll think of you._

_While the twilight shadows begin to fall_   
_While the evening air begins to chill_   
_While the crickets begin their sweet evening chorus_   
_I'll think of you._

_Just as the darkest hour of the night falls_   
_Just as the world is hushed and silent_   
_Just as dreamland beckons,_   
_I'll think of you_

_Every day_   
_Every hour_   
_Every moment_   
_I'll think of you through the miles_   
_and love you._

_\- R_

_(There you go, there's secretly a romantic hidden inside me too _😉 _)_

Juice had sunk down on his bed again. His thumbs were brushing the paper, the ink. He felt overwhelmed by the love that lied in those words and wiped his eyes when he noticed he'd become emotional. His love for this man ran so deep, he just lacked the words. Every time they saw each other, every time they were holding each other, every time they said their goodbyes, his feelings grew stronger. Even now Raine was on his way to the southern border, he'd found words that hit him hard. Taking a deep breath to gain control over his emotions, he lifted the paper and pressed his lips to it, his eyes closed. 

"I wish I had the luxury to think about you all day," he whispered. Reluctantly, he put away the note which felt like his most precious belonging right now and headed to the living room, before he would sit for hours on his bed, trapped in memories that would only make him miss his boyfriend more. 

"Hey," Mouse greeted him when he sat down next to her on the couch, his breakfast in his lap. "How was yesterday? You enjoyed your dinner?"

Despite everything, he smiled. "Yeah, it was... amazing. Unfortunately our time together was really short; he needed to be back in Oakland very early and I was called to the clubhouse last night. Mary disappeared, she's probably taken by the same people who attacked Hap and Tig."

Shock filled her eyes. "Good Lord, that's awful. And you haven't found a lead?"

Sadly, Juice shook his head. "No, we wait until they make their demands. For the time being I will escort you whenever you go outside." 

She nodded slowly and sighed. "Yeah... Hopefully you'll discover soon who's behind all this, and why..." Mouse laid her hand across his and squeezed. "You okay?"

He bent his head. "Raine went to South Cali because they needed back-up. We don't know how long he wil stay there – it might be for over a month."

She sighed. "Just what you needed..." She leaned with her head against his shoulder. "I'm sorry to hear that, sweetheart. I know how much you want to be with him. Was it a nice evening yesterday, even though it was so short?"

"Yeah... It really was. He didn't think a bit of romance was stupid. He even wanted me to light candles and put on a romantic song," he told her. For some reason it had meant a lot to him; it felt like Raine liked every side of him and he never needed to pretend around him. 

Mouse laughed quietly. "My bad ass bikers. I thought you would do whole different kind of things after being apart for so long." She gave him a playful wink. 

He felt his cheeks get heated. "We also did other things. I umm – I took him in my mouth. For the first time." He bit his lip. It sounded cumbersome, but _sucked his dick _sounded to blunt for something that had felt so... heavenly. 

"Did you like it?"

Her voice sounded calm. She knew it had been a big step for him, that it had been something he'd struggled with. 

"Yeah he – he really enjoyed it. And I did too."

She squeezed his hand once more. "Very well. Was he also ready? To please you, I mean?"

"He was on his way... but then Chibs called and I had to leave."

"Fucking Chibs..." She chuckled, shaking her head. "But well, at least you've something to look forward to," she winked. "To once he's back. And hey, you two can do some cam sex." She wiggled her eyebrows. 

Before he met Raine, he didn't think there were forms of sex that could make him blush, but he really felt like an experimenting school boy now. His heart started to beat faster instantly. 

"Yeah, maybe," he muttered. "He umm – he left me a really sweet poem." He got up, headed to his bedroom and handed Skye the note. He wasn't sure why he wanted to show it to her. Probably because all this still felt like a dream and he just felt really blessed to have such a sweet boyfriend. 

Tears filled Skye's eyes when she read the text. 

"It's so beautiful, honey," she said quietly, kissing his cheek. "I think it's very special that you two dare to be so vulnerable and sensitive while you live in such a macho world."

Juice smiled, his thumb running across the edge of the paper. He was happy they both had a soft side and dared to show it.

"You have no idea how much I hope your clubs can make this work," she said. "That they can form an alliance or something. It could really strengthen the positions of your clubs." She chuckled. "Just like the old times, when they let royalty of different kingdoms marry." She leaned against him. "I just hope you will be able to marry him one day. Your love deserves to be seen in broad daylight."

Juice bent his head. He had never thought about a marriage, and certainly not with a man, but the thought of it made the butterflies in his stomach flutter. He stared at his hand, imagining a ring around his finger. It was way too early to seriously consider it, but he couldn't deny the way his blood was rushing through his veins right now. He sighed, knowing it was a slight chance that it would really happen one day. "That's just a dream, Mouse," he muttered. 

She wrapped her arms around him, giving him a squeezing hug. "Sometimes dreams come true, sweetie."  
  



	26. Won't End Well

Juice was right. 

His injury was indeed too fresh. It was a long ride and the past weeks he had barely used his body. His muscles were aching and the scar on his stomach stung. Raine was immensely relieved as they approached the clubhouse of Santo Padre. Parking his bike on the side of the lot, he slid off his Harley. His hand glided across his stomach while he squeezed his eyes, cursing. 

Before the others would see how weak he felt, he pushed away the pain and greeted the Mayans of the Santo Padre chapter. 

"Yo _hermano,_" Angel laughed, pulling him in a squeezing hug. "Our good Samaritan!" He leaned back to give him a once over. "Good to see you brother."

During Raine's recovery they had texted each other. If the guys hadn't been so busy around here, Angel might have visited him. 

"The ride was okay?"

"A little too long."

Angel gave him a pensive look. "Well — you almost died. Has a huge impact on your fitness and shit."

Raine sighed. Probably. "A good beer will do wonders."

"Good beer and a hot chick," Angel winked. He wrapped an arm around his shoulders and led him to the clubhouse. "I made room for you in my trailer." He laughed. "I missed you man."

Raine smiled. He had missed his friend too. His friendship with Angel went deeper than those with the other guys. Raine had just started prospecting when Angel's mother was murdered in her husband's butchery. Raine, who had just lost his own mother, had been a great support, especially when Angel's little brother was sent to prison after accidentally killing a cop when he was chasing his mother's murderer. 

On his way inside he greeted some of the other guys. It was strange how quickly everything felt familiar. It felt like he'd never left. 

"Don't ya wanna come back?" Angel asked. They were sitting at a couch in the corner, with good sight on the stripper pole. When they had signed up for the club as young boys, this had been their favorite spot. Right now, Raine could care less about the scantily dressed women. 

Raine took a drag from his cigarette. Did he want to come back? Yeah, he did, he realized. He liked the quiet of Santo Padre; although he was raised in Oakland, this place had always felt like a liberation. He had gone to this place to deal with the death of his mom. His sister's sickness had pulled him back. Something told him this was also the right place to deal with her death. 

But Juice wouldn't be here. Angel could be a great support, but he wasn't Juice. Missing him would tear him up. He however couldn't tell Angel, his friend didn't even know that he was in a relationship. 

"Maybe, after a while," he said. "But I can't leave now. Sammy needs me."

He nodded understandingly. "How she holding up?"

"She has her ups and downs. Esai has been a great support."

Angel looked him in the eye. "That ain't bothering you?"

Raine knew what he meant. Just like most of them, Esai slept around. Yet, he believed his friend had enough respect for his little sister to treat her differently than all those club whores.

"I'm not sure they're more than friends. I think he will only push for more if his feelings are more serious."

"And what about your feelings? Elin stops by now and then. She misses you. Once she knows you're here, she'll come for you."

Elin... He didn't exactly look forward to see her.

"I'm over her," he shrugged. He leaned back in the couch. Fuck — that wound really stung. "In fact, I met someone."

He knew Angel was going to find out about it anyway, since they would share a trailer for the next weeks. He however wasn't sure if he wanted to stick to the Skye story, or whether he would tell him the truth. Angel had met Juice, he knew Raine would never date the girlfriend of an old friend. Furthermore he trusted Angel, contrary to Esai; Raine believed he could keep it to himself. 

"No way!" Angel gave him a surprised look. "Is it serious?"

"Yeah."

Angel stared awaiting at him. "Well? Tell me about her! Is she hot? — Of course she's hot. Show me a pic dude!"

Raine smirked as he pictured how Angel would respond if he showed him a picture of Juice now. He decided to be a little more subtle. 

"I'll tell you more later," he promised. "It uh — it's a bit of a sensitive issue. Nobody else knows."

"You're not having an affair with one of the old ladies, huh? Or underage daughters?"

Raine wondered if they would prefer that over a relationship with a Son. 

"No," he answered. 

The curious look didn't leave Angel's eyes, but he understood the gravity of the situation and didn't push for more information. 

* * *

Raine stayed in the clubhouse for one more hour, then he went to the trailer. Angel had told him he would sleep on the couch because Raine looked like shit, and Raine didn't dismiss the offer. Angel had stayed behind, Raine had told him he wanted to call his lover first. 

"Hey handsome," he greeted Juice, pressing his phone to his ear. "You alone?"

"Yeah — I'm in my room." His voice sounded weary. Raine doubted his own voice sounded much different. 

"Long day?"

Juice sighed. Raine knew he was rubbing his face. "You can say that."

A silence fell. It still felt wrong not to ask any questions, but he stuck to their unspoken rules. 

Actually Raine wasn't sure what to say. Having a conversation over the phone was different. Usually they could neither talk about everything they'd like, but at least they could touch each other. 

"Your day must have been rough too," Juice said. 

"Yeah. I'm exhausted. The scar hurts."

Maybe not the smartest thing to say, but he knew Juice would worry about him anyway. 

"You gotta rest."

"Yeah. I'm already in bed." His fingers caressed the bedspread. He wished Juice could have been with him tonight. "I'm going to tell Angel about you in a few minutes."

Juice gasped for air. "W-what?"

"I have to hide you from everyone," he answered. "I'm sharing a trailer with Ang. I don't want to hide you here too. I trust him. You two met at the fundraiser. You remember?"

"Yeah." His voice sounded soft. Worried. 

Raine switched to a video call. He could read Juice by listening to his voice, but he rather looked at his face. Juice was also on his bed, his back against the wall. He didn't recognize the wallpaper and assumed he was in his clubroom. 

A blush spread across Juice's cheeks as they looked each other in the eye. Raine felt his fingertips tingle; he wanted to caress his face and feel the shy heat underneath his lips. His thoughts shot back to last night. How amazing it had been to be loved by his boyfriend like that, how strong his feelings had been. 

"Skye knows about us. Chibs too." He bit his cheek. "I don't like not having anyone around to talk to about you. That there is no one I can tell how happy you make me, how much I love you and how much I miss you. Angel won't tell anyone else. Trust me, okay?"

Juice nodded slowly. "Yeah — you're right. I would go crazy if I hadn't Mouse to talk to." He ran his thumb across his bottom lip. "By the way, thank you for the poem. It was really sweet."

Raine winked. "Copied from internet all by myself."

Juice's lips curled up. "So much for the romance." He stuck out his tongue. 

"What? If I had to come up with a poem all by myself it would have taken me a week and I'm sure it would have consisted of two very cheesy lines. It doesn't hurt to borrow someone's talent. It doesn't make the words any less true."

Juice rubbed his hand across his mohawk. "I miss you. Ain't that stupid? We've been apart so many times."

But it was different now; there were more miles between them than ever and Raine was about to meddle in a gang war. He understood. 

"I miss you too." They had been forced to say goodbye too soon after his accident. They'd needed more time together. "But once I'm back, I'll take you to the arcade hall," he promised, thinking back to the time Juice described his perfect date. "And after that, we're going to watch your favorite movies. Naked."

"Well that sounds great," Angel's voice came from the doorway. Raine glared at him, annoyed that he had sneaked into the trailer so quietly. He returned his glance back to his phone and saw Juice's face pale. 

"You know the word _privacy_?" Raine wondered.

"Not in my own home," Angel smirked. "Now, show me your secret lover. Or isn't she wearing any clothes?"

Raine ignored him and looked at Juice. "I talk to you later."

Juice nodded. He didn't say a word, as if he was afraid that his voice wound betray him. He ended the call. 

Raine put the device away. 

Angel sat down at the end of his bed. "She a lil shy?"

"He. I'm dating a guy."

His friend stared at him, his eyes wide. "Huh? What... Serious? I didn't even know you were bisexual."

"Neither did I. Until I met him."

Angel seemed to need a few moments to let it sink in. "Wow. Okay. I get why it's all so mysterious then." He kept staring at Raine in disbelief. "A man? Damn — now I'm even more curious. How long are you together?"

"I met him about eight months ago. We were both stuck in an elevator in the hospital. After that day, I didn't see him in weeks until we ran into each other again. We tried to be friends for a couple of months, but both of us wanted more. Around six weeks ago we've decided to give our relationship a chance."

"Wow. This all sounds fucking serious man." Angel lifted the corner of his mouth, slapping his shoulder. "Well congrats! I can't wait to meet him! A _guy _who messes with my homie's head! Has to be a special one, huh?"

Raine bent his knee. "You already met him. At the fundraiser."

Angel frowned his eyebrows, thinking, ultimately pulling a face. "I saw you for only a couple of minutes. You were with that Son... who you knew from back in school."

He took a deep breath. He had to tell it now. "That wasn't entirely true." He hesitated, he wasn't sure what else to say so he just gave his friend a meaningful look. 

Angel jumped up. "Are you fucking serious Raine? A _Son_? You fuckin' a Son?"

The volume of Angel's voice made him cringe. "If I wanted everyone to know I woulda told you about him in the clubhouse," he answered annoyed. 

Angel sighed, running a hand across his face. "Damn it brother. What do you think they're gonna do if they find out?"

Raine shrugged his shoulders. "Whatever it is, it will be worth it."

His friend stared at him, shaking his head. "This is makin' no sense! What's wrong with the rest of the male population? Why —"

"I love him." It sounded determined; like an undisputed fact. A little softer he repeated: "I love him, Ang, and I know he loves me too. We tried to ignore our feelings but they were too strong. This isn't just a fling, it's not a distraction. Even Rosa could see it. She made me make a promise that I wouldn't give up on him if I found out I truly loved him. And I do. God — I love that guy so fucking much. I would die for him."

Angel snorted. "Well maybe you will." He sighed deeply. A little gentler he added: "But love can't be stopped, as it seems. I wanna be happy for you, Raine." He bit his lip. "I really do. But I just can't see how this will end well."

Raine bent his head. "I know," he muttered. "I know, Ang. But I can't give him up. His love fills the void mom and Rosa left behind. I need it. I need him." He looked up, but he didn't feel ashamed of his words. "I need him more than I need the club."


	27. Dead Heroes

After his words, a tense silence had fallen. Admitting that he considered something as more important than the club was dangerous, even when he knew his friend wouldn't run to the others to tell them. Therefore, he didn't regard Angel's silence as a threat; he understood that the man needed some time to realize how much Juice meant to him. 

"You gotta tell 'em," Angel said eventually. 

Raine sighed. It wasn't exactly something that had never crossed his mind before, but he had never _really _considered it. He was simply too scared. He might be an adult man, but he was still afraid to be banned from a life he loved. Even though Juice meant more to him — it didn't mean it was _easy _to give up everything else. Nor could he say for sure that they trusted him enough to let him leave the club. He still had access to a lot of inside information whilst he was together with the club's rival. There was even a voice in his head warning him that they might go as far as eliminating the threat. 

If Juice was no longer alive, the dilemma was solved as well. 

He felt ashamed about that fear, for he couldn't imagine that one of his brothers would want to inflict him so much pain. However, drastic measures had been carried out before. He couldn't completely let go of the fear. 

"Sooner or later they're gonna find out, Raine," Angel insisted. "If you think that Son is simply a fling, you should end it. If not — you gotta confess it to the others. Your honesty will be to your advantage, trust me. They will treat you harsher if they find out you kept a secret from them for years. Not trusting them won't increase their trust in you."

With a sigh, Raine leaned back. Angel was right. Deep inside he knew that being honest about his relationship was the best thing to do — and yet, the fear kept pushing away that thought. 

He knew it was weak to let the fear control him. But this was about the safety of a person who meant a lot to him. Someone he didn't want to lose. Someone he longed for, every moment of the day. 

Angel leaned into him, squeezing his shoulder. "You don't have to make a decision now. It will take a couple of weeks before you're back in Oakland anyway. Just think about it."

* * *

Raine thought about it. Every day, he was listing the pros and cons. The conclusion that kept coming back, was that he would lose Juice or the club. Something however told him he might lose both if he let it all play out, if someone _would _ discover his secret. Slowly he became convinced that it was better to confess it, to rely on the sympathy of his brothers. The moment he was back in Oakland and all this shit here in Santo Padre was over, he would tell the others. 

The intention created a bit more peacefulness in his mind — but not much. Every day, the doubt returned. It kept him from sleeping at night. Maybe he should discuss it with Juice first, but he didn't want to talk about it by phone. And it still remained to be seen when he would be able to see his boyfriend again. By now, he was here for a week. There had been some skirmishes with the _Rosas__Muertas__ MC, _some new Mexican motorclub which wanted to expand across the border, crossing their territory. A request for a conversation had been done, but when a delegation of Mayans had been greeted with bullets when they wanted to sit down for a meeting, they had called for more back-up, so they could push that rivaling club back over the border. 

It however was less simple than it all sounded. Rumors were circulating that the new motorclub was working with some other Mexican gang who was also trying to expand its sphere of influence. If they would all ride out to chase away one group, they would leave their clubhouse vulnerable. And so, they were making serious preparations while other charters sent extra men. The fact that Rosas Muertas was a large club who probably gave every idiot a patch, gave them quite the manpower. 

They took action on a Thursday night. They had issued an ultimatum, telling the MC to pack their stuff at Wednesday night. The lack of a response had been interpreted as a declaration of war. 

Raine had been sent with the offensive team. He didn't feel comfortable about it. Violence had never been in his blood, although he had killed three people during a gang war three years ago. Part of him was standing up against this sanction, even when he knew their enemy had provoked this and that his brothers would get hurt if they did nothing. But sneaking up on a clubhouse in the dark where men were having a beer and enjoying the ladies... It was so similar to how they spent their own nights, and to what Juice might do right now, which made it hard to shake it off. It felt like his connection to the Son made him look at other clubs with different eyes. He didn't see some arrogant assholes with delusions of grandeur. He saw fathers. Brothers. Husbands. Sons. 

He could relativise it, he could force himself to realize that their enemies were the ones violating peace treaties, who were openly defying their authority and who had raised their guns at his brothers. And yet... yet they were still people who they wanted to slaughter like they were animals. It was a conflict that kept raging in his chest, and which hadn't silenced once they were surrounding the clubhouse. 

He crouched down next to Coco while they were observing the motorclub's residence. Although Raine couldn't distinguish anyone through the windows, he imagined Juice sitting there, feeling relaxed and talking to Chibs. He could picture the tattoos on his arms, the enthusiasm in his voice as he spoke and the smile that was more beautiful than whatever jewelry. 

What if he had been the one inside this building? What if they would keep him in the dark from now on, when it was about the Sons? What if he wouldn't be able to warn his lover for a nearing death?

It felt as if his relationship with Juice intertwined with everything. It was no longer an isolated fact, something that he could separate from all the other elements of his life. It changed his view on matters, it made him more human — something which wasn't very helpful when you were about to raid a clubhouse. 

He took a deep breath and tried to blow away all thoughts. It was too late now. If he hadn't wanted to participate in an action like this, he should have reported that before they left. Nobody had forced him to be here. He had wanted to prove his value — and now, he wondered what exactly that value was. 

Coco looked over his shoulder. His dark eyes met his and he nodded at the bushes behind them. "Ya got my back? Ya never know if someone's comin' after us."

Raine nodded gratefully to him. Coco turned away from him and positioned himself on the ground, configuring his gun to act as their sniper. As a Marine veteran Coco was the type of person who kept his head cool in all situations, who never missed a target and always kept an eye on his surroundings. He wasn't surprised that Coco had picked up on his doubts, and that he had dealt with them in a non-judgmental way. 

He liked the Mayan. He wasn't the most talkative one, but he had a good heart and great humor. Raine often had the feeling that he was smarter than anyone would give him credit for. 

Raine turned around and took a few steps to focus on the area behind him. Clouds were shielding off the moon light, causing Raine to trust on his hearing instead of his sight. In the background, he heard how Bishop ordered the others to move towards the clubhouse. 

Raine kept his glance on their surroundings. He couldn't help but flinch when gunshots broke the silence, followed by screams. In a flash, he saw the bald Son at the moment he wanted to free him from his bike. He heard the gun blast, felt the impact in his stomach and the crushing pain that followed. 

For a moment, he was no longer close to the border to Mexico; he was wandering through a suffocating nothing, looking for something he couldn't identify. A voice. A deep warmth. A caress through his hair. Flashes of a smile, of worried brown eyes, of a whispered plea. He was about to lose something, some newfound happiness, something he wasn't prepared to let go of yet. 

A hand squeezed his upper arm. With a jolt he returned to the dark forest. Two dark, almost black eyes stared at him. 

"You're back?"

Although Coco was supposed to keep an eye on the door of the clubhouse, all his attention was directed to Raine. Concentrating on his breathing, Raine nodded, feeling a bit out of sorts now he had experienced a panic attack for the first time. 

"Good," Coco answered. "Keep an eye on the area behind us. We need your eyes and ears, _carnal_."

Raine took a few deep breaths. Behind him, he could still hear bullets fly. A door was opened, and Coco fired too. Raine looked over his shoulder and distinguished a shadow on the ground. He turned his attention back to his own task. His glance moved from dark tree to dark tree. Nowhere, a sign of life was to be seen. If there had been an ambush, they wouldn't have waited until all their comrades were dead, right? Yet, he didn't lose focus. He kept breathing in and out, his eyes moving from dark hiding place to dark hiding place until he heard voices convincing him his brothers had left the clubhouse. 

Coco and Raine left the row of trees as well and walked over to the parking lot. Three of his brothers were supporting someone, but at first sight, none of them seemed to be dead. 

Coco turned towards him and kept standing in front of him. "Don't drive yourself crazy," he told him softly, tucking a strand of black hair behind his ear. "Trauma's happen to the best of us and they're inevitable once Death has shown its blackness. When I was in the army and my pal stepped on a mine, it took me weeks before I could handle myself again. Listen to your body and mind, don't try to be the hero." Coco slapped his shoulder. "A dead hero is of no use to anyone."

* * *

Juice and Skye just started to watch Iron Man II when his phone went off. The club or Raine, he realized. He pulled the device out of his pocket and felt his heart flutter as he saw Raine's name. It had been a few days since they'd talked. The search for Opie's mother was still full in swing; up to now they hadn't found a single lead. It was unusual that there were no demands made and Piney had already mumbled that his ex-wife might just have wanted to cut all ties to the club. Opie clearly didn't know what to believe anymore — and so, the others didn't know it either. 

"Is it Raine?" Skye asked. 

He nodded. 

"Well — then it looks like I'll have Tony Stark all to myself tonight."

He smirked. "Have fun with him." He got up and headed to his room, where he answered the video call and sat down on his bed. 

"Hey!" His excited smile faded when he saw Raine's exhausted face. His eyes were dull, his face pale. He bit his lip, trying not to show his concern. 

"Hey love." Raine sat on his bed, his knees bent, and he ran a hand across his face before he looked at him again. "Please stop staring at me as if I'm about to drop dead any moment. I'm okay."

Juice's lips bent into a weak smile. "You look tired."

"I'm exhausted." He sighed. "But I wanted to see something nice before I go to sleep." He gave him a wink, although Juice knew very well he was trying to keep things light. 

"Well I can send you some kitten videos?" he said, answering his need not to talk about tough things — things he couldn't speak of anyway. 

Raine chuckled. His voice sounded raspy. "You might be the nerd in our relationship, but I'm not that much digitally illiterate that I can't find YouTube on my phone."

His words made Juice laugh. Raine smiled at him in a way that set his insides on fire; it felt like he had made him feel better than before. He searched for words. _I miss you_ were the words that were on the tip of his tongue. For he missed him terribly, and every day he was afraid to get a call from Sammy telling him her brother had died. It made him want to mount his bike to drive to the south to make sure nothing would happen to his lover. 

"Will you come home soon?" he asked quietly. 

Rained leaned his head against the wall, moving the camera a bit. "Hard to say. One problem's solved, but there's more going on."

Juice sighed in disappointment. 

"Hey, I didn't call you to look at that sour face," Raine teased him. "I rather see you smile."

Those words were enough to bring the smile back to his face. "I guess we still have to watch those kitten video's then."

Raine lifted the corner of his mouth. "You and your stupid cat videos. I rather look at something else." He wiggled his eyebrows. "Especially when that something takes off his shirt."

The look in Raine's eyes made his mouth feel dry. He had fantasized about it; taking off their clothes in front of the camera. It had made him feel a bit uncomfortable. 

"Or are you chicken?" he asked with a provoking smirk. 

"You already got so much problems there. Getting caught while you're watching a Son strip for you won't be to your advantage."

"Maybe not. But I can assure you my failing memory is neither to your advantage. Sometimes I seem to remember that you have quite a beer belly, increasing the temptation to give someone else's body a closer look."

Juice started to laugh. "That's the lamest excuse I've ever heard."

"Then finally take off that damn shirt," Raine laughed. "I can't believe I have to move heaven and earth to admire my boyfriend's body!"

Snickering, Juice did as he was told and took off his shirt. "Happy now?"

"I only see your face man, your shoulders at most."

Rolling his eyes, he flexed his pecs and turned his phone downward to show his upper body. "See? No beer belly." He patted his sixpack. 

"Mmm..." Raine wet his bottom lip, biting on it. Although there probably wasn't much Raine could do with his tongue and lips that didn't turn Juice on, the sparkle in his eyes made it hard to take his lover very seriously. "You want me to tell you what I want to do with that gorgeous body of yours?"

"Not before I got something nice to look at too."

Raine clicked his tongue. "We're acting stern now?"

Juice aimed the camera back at his face. "Quid pro quo, huh?"

Raine pouted. "Is that your definition of love?"

"It is today."

Raine's chuckle chased a pleasant shiver down his spine. "Fuck I miss you so much," he muttered, pulling his shirt over his head. 

Juice's breathing sped up as his glance wandered across Raine's upper body. The black ink which had a red glow now and then, contrasted with his tan skin. He took his time to admire Raine's well-trained body before he returned his gaze to the man's eyes. His confident grin made Juice's cheeks flush. Oh — how he wanted to lie down on the bed and feel Raine's lips upon his, their stomachs pressing together while fingertips traveled down his face...

"You wanna know what I'd do if I were with you now?"

Juice nodded breathlessly. 

"I would push you down on the bed, and I'd probably cuff your wrists to make sure you don't get distracted by my amazing body. And then..."

* * *

Juice rolled on his side and looked at his boyfriend. He didn't know what to say. As great as he had felt while listening to his fantasies, as awful did he feel now. 

"Juice..." Raine said quietly. "Did I go too far? It's okay if you're not ready yet. But we can fantasize about it, right?"

"It's not that," he muttered. He felt like a crybaby — things were just as hard for Raine. "My bed feels empty. I miss you even more now."

Raine cast his glance down. "I'm sorry."

Juice wanted to cup his cheek, to lift his face and to kiss him softly. 

But he couldn't. All he could do was stare at the screen. 

"I love you," he said instead, knowing words were all he had. "And once you're back, I will lock you up in my room and we'll pretend our clubs don't exist."

Raine looked up, a smile crossing his lips. "Sounds good. I love you baby."

For a while they kept staring at each other; the silence bothering neither of them. At least the other didn't feel so far away now. In the end, it was Raine who told him he would hang up since Angel was home. He promised to call him soon, and Juice knew that promise would pull him through the next few days. Reluctantly he said Raine goodbye, tossed his phone aside and closed his eyes. With all his might he tried to replay everything Raine had said today to keep the loneliness at bay. 

* * *

The next time Raine called him, was in the middle of the day. Only once, his boyfriend had called him during the day; when his sister had died. Leaving the garage, he nervously pressed the device to his ear. 

"Hey. Are you okay?"

"No."

Raine's voice was shaking. Juice closed his eyes. 

This had been one of his nightmares; that something would happen to Raine while he was too far away to be of any help. Just like last time, he couldn't be there for his lover. 

Raine took a deep breath. "My father is missing and Sammy is having a massive panic attack. Half of the club is in Santo Padre, there're only a few guys who're tracking down my dad."

"Fuck." Juice ran a hand across his mohawk. "You got a lead? Is there anything I can do?"

"I'm on my way home," he said. "But I hoped you could pick up Sasha from daycare. All my brothers are busy. I can give the babysitter a call but now my dad is gone, I rather want her to be with someone who's armed."

"Yeah sure. I'm on my way."

"I'll text you the address. Thanks for your help, love."

"Sure," he muttered. "Keep your head up baby."

"I will. Don't worry about me."

But Juice did worry about him. He knew how much Raine's family meant to him. But why would someone abduct Raine's father? His thoughts shot to Mary. He neither understood why someone would kidnap Opie's mother. Was there a connection? 

He said goodbye to Raine while these thoughts were still circling around his head. He however didn't know what to do with them. He couldn't exactly tell his club that a parent of one of the Mayans was missing too. But it might be their only lead...


	28. Fatal

Deep down, Juice knew he should have told Chibs. Not only because it was his duty to report whatever lead, also because it might have created some peace in his mind. Right now he did not only worry about Raine, Sammy and their father, but he also feared the response of the others when he _would _tell them — and the conclusions one would draw. Would they believe him if he still claimed that Raine was Skye's boyfriend? Chibs hadn't believed him, not for a moment. The others might be a little slow on the uptake, but he was no stranger to them. Sooner or later they would find out. 

Juice tried to push these thoughts away. There was nothing he could do about it now anyway. Furthermore Oakland wasn't exactly around the corner and he didn't want to let little Sasha wait. Whatever the consequences for him personally would be; he'd have to deal with it later. It was better to focus his attention on the road now, before he would crash Skye's car. She had offered to come with him, but Juice didn't want her to cancel work for this. The only thing he had to do, was pick up a two year old from daycare. He could do that. He wouldn't attract attention now he was driving a car, so there was no reason to worry. 

Nevertheless, Juice felt tense. He drove faster than was allowed, arriving at the daycare a little too early. He identified himself; apparently Raine had already called to the daycare to tell them who would pick up his niece. A young woman disappeared through a door and returned with a little girl, holding her hand. 

"Juan!" Sasha exclaimed happily, and her face lit up. Pulling her hand away from her attendant, she ran towards him, her small backpack thumping against her back. The moment she stood before him, she raised her arms so he would pick her up. 

It had been a while since Juice had seen her and he was a little overwhelmed by her enthusiasm. He lifted her from the floor and she wrapped her arms around his neck, giggling as he teased her by squeezing her side. For a moment he slipped away from the reality in which her grandpa was missing. Instead, he saw a house with a large garden in which the girl was running around. She turned around and waved at him. Juice was standing in the doorway and wanted to wave back, but he noticed he was already holding someone's hand. He looked aside and got warm as he saw Raine, who smiled at him before he dropped his head on Juice's shoulder. Neither of them was wearing a kutte, neither of them had tucked a gun behind their waistband. The man raised his head a little, kissed him close to his ear and whispered in Spanish how happy he felt. 

The image faded, and he returned to the daycare where he was alone with Sasha. He felt a dull sadness in his chest at the thought that Raine didn't feel happy at all right now. Taking a deep breath, Juice manned up. He couldn't help him right now. Once Raine was back in Oakland and Sasha was asleep, he could try to find Raine's father. The thought that he might never meet the man caused a pit in his stomach. 

"Buying ice cream?" The child voice pulled him out of his thoughts and helped him to focus. 

"Yeah, we can do that," he said. "And then we're gonna look for a playground." He had no key of Raine's house, so he had to find a way to kill time. If it would become really late, he would book a hotel so the kid could at least sleep. He put the girl down on the floor and grabbed her hand as they left the building, afraid he would stumble and drop her otherwise. There hadn't been many children he'd held in his arms and he didn't exactly trust himself around them. 

"The lady said that auntie Sammy is a little sick," Sasha said. "And grandpa couldn't pick me up either. We're going to them? After eating ice cream and the playground?" Enthusiastically, she swung his hand back and forth while she jumped from stone to stone. 

"Raine is on his way to us," he told her. "He'll call me once he's here."

"He is?" With a wide smile she looked up to him. "That's so cool! I missed him. And I missed you too. Did you miss uncle Raine too? For he is your best friend, right?"

"Yeah." His voice was trembling, all of a sudden his missed his boyfriend terribly. "Yes. I love him a lot."

"And do you love me?" she asked. She stood still and looked up to him, her eyes wide. 

Just like Sasha, he had never known his dad. His mother had more or less neglected him, so he knew how desperately a child could long for the love of an adult, even when they didn't share the same blood. He crouched down in front of her so their faces were even and caressed her soft cheek with his thumb. "Yes, I love you too."

She flashed him another smile, then she hugged him. "Sometimes I am afraid that uncle Raine will leave. Just like Mommy," she said quietly. "To that beautiful place that I can only visit when I am very old. But if he leaves, will you look after me?" 

Scooping the kid up, he looked at her. "Your uncle is going nowhere. But I do hope I will look after you one day. Together with your uncle."

Actually he had never looked that far into the future, but he couldn't shake off the image he had seen just a few minutes ago. He wanted it. He wanted to live together with Raine, he wanted to be a father to little Sasha and maybe they could even adopt a baby. His own thoughts made his cheeks flush. Their clubs didn't even know about their relationship yet, it was way too early to think about things like that. But he couldn't deny the strong longing filling him from tip to toe.

They reached the car. He put Sasha back on the ground and opened the car door, where after she climbed on the seat and he fastened her seat belt. Once she was securely fastened he got up. Suddenly something dark was pulled over his head. Before he could scream, something hard slammed his head. Pain flashed through his head, then he collapsed. 

* * *

Juice was convinced that his skull was cracked. Pain rolled over him like the waves of the ocean, again and again. His eyelids felt heavy. Yet, he managed to lift them, although his vision was blurry. Tears? Blood? Was it because of his head trauma? 

He was in a dim room, of which he was grateful. The thought of bright light alone made him scream on the inside. His stomach felt like a centrifuge, he wanted to puke. 

"He's back."

A shadow moved, knelt in front of him. 

Juice stared blankly at the other. All he could see were the man's contours. His arms felt numb. He tried to move them and realized they were tied behind his back. He shoved a little aside, assuming he was sitting on a chair. 

"Sasha..." he whispered. His throat felt sore. "Where is Sasha?"

It was a pointless question, and he wasn't even sure he was making a sound. His ears were ringing as if he had been in a concert hall. Thi had to be the abductors of Raine's father. And now they had his niece too — and him. Juice was sure they wouldn't provide him any answers. 

Someone was talking to him, but the words passed him right by. All he could see was Raine's panicking face when he realized that he had lost everyone he cared about. _Slap. _The flat of a hand hit his face. 

"Quit playing mute."

The words seeped into his head. This wasn't the voice of a stranger, he realized, although he didn't manage to identify it. He squeezed his eyes, opened them and tried to focus. 

He jolted. 

_Esai!_

One of Raine's best friends! He didn't know what to feel; fear or relief. At least he wouldn't hurt Sasha. 

He swallowed. 

"Ah, we're back?" His voice sounded dismissive. "Where is he?"

"Who?" Juice muttered. Thinking clearly was impossible; flashes of pain were still rolling through his skull. 

"You fuckin' serious?" Esai snarled. "You're gonna play dumb? We caught you red-handed while you were shoving his niece in your car! You're really tellin' me you didn't take his father?"

"W-what?"

Juice's head snapped to the left when the man hit him again, this time with his fist. The pain made him grumble, it felt like his rough rings were tearing his skin. He tasted blood and spitted on the floor. 

"Where is he? Where is Antonio?"

Juice kept silent. For what could he say? That he was Raine's boyfriend? As if they would ever believe him... And even if they did — what consequences would it have for Raine? He didn't want to think about what they might do to his lover. 

Another slap in the face. Juice hung his head in defeat. 

Esai however grabbed his chin and forced his head upwards. His eyes were vomiting fire. "You won't leave this place alive, but if you tell us where Antonio is, there is a chance we send your body back to your club instead of feedin' it to the hogs."

The prospect to die _did_ stir up his fighting spirit. He sat up straight. "I've never met this Antonio! Why would I want to kidnap him?"

Esai spitted in his face. "Because you found out my homie is banging your girl for months."

Damn it — this was ridiculous. This however was a result of the lies Raine and he had created themselves and he couldn't simply disprove them. "I got nothing to do with this."

"Then what were you doin' with Sasha?"

Juice heard how weak his defense sounded. "Sammy... Sammy asked me to pick her up."

The lie was too obvious — the anger in Esai's eyes told him he wasn't buying it.

"You're gonna talk, just wait," he hissed between gritted teeth. "And once we're done with you, we'll piss all over your bleeding body. _Raine_ will piss all over your bleeding body." Esai looked over his shoulder and yelled something in Spanish to some Mayans who were watching them from a small distance. 

Raine would find him... half-dead, or maybe even dead... Tears jumped into his eyes. The truth was burning on his lips, but he didn't dare to reveal it. They wouldn't believe him anyway, it wouldn't save him. Maybe they found the thought that he was sleeping with their friend even worse than kidnapping his family. 

Another man joined them, a mountain of a man. 

"This is Lucille," Esai introduced him. "Any idea how he received his nickname?"

Juice stared at the baseball bat the giant was holding in his hand, the end of it was nonchalantly tapping against his boot. The wood was covered in dried blood. 

"So one more time," Esai said. "Tell me where Antonio is."

Juice couldn't answer him. Anxiously his eyes shot back and forth between the two Mayans, but neither of them showed a sign of compassion. Lucille swayed back his bat and lashed out at Juice's shoulder. 

Juice cried out in pain once the wood hit his body. He squeezed his eyes, fighting the tears because he didn't want to show his weakness. There however was no point it; a raw pain wrestled itself to the fore. Physical pain, mental pain. Pain because he would never get the chance to see Raine again, because he would never hear his laughter again, because his lover would find him here on the ground, clubbed to death like a mad dog. Pain because Raine needed to live with the fact that his best friend had murdered his lover. 

"Please," he heard himself beg. "It's — it's not what it looks like."

The only answer he received, was the baseball bat. Time and again. On his arms, his chest, his knees — everywhere except for his head. 

But Juice had no illusions; he knew that fatal blow would come too. 


	29. Fury

His father was gone...

Raine couldn't get his head around it. Why the hell would someone kidnap his _father_? They didn't have a lot of money, he had no ties with whatever shady organization... His father was just a broken, common man who had gone through too much misery to be abducted now. 

Could they be wrong? Maybe his father was indisposed, someone might have taken him to the hospital without being able to identify him... 

The ride to Oakland had never taken this long. When he finally parked his bike, he ran inside the clubhouse without waiting for the others. There was only one Mayan in the clubhouse. He believed it was a good sign; hopefully the others were onto his father. 

Briefly he gave Giorgio a hug, the oldest of his brothers. 

"They got him. The abductor."

Giorgio had always been a man of few words; also this time, he ordered Raine to follow him with a simple nod of his head. Through a door they headed to the working place, which they crossed to find access to the hangar adjacent to it. Someone was sitting on a chair, his head hanging down. 

"Ah, you're just in time for the _grand finale_," Esai yelled over his shoulder. Taking the bat from Lucille, Esai held it out to Raine. 

Raine's eyes shot back to the man they had bound to the chair. There wasn't much life in him left. 

A fluorescent tube was blinking. Because of the changing light, Raine suddenly caught a glance of a partly shaved head and tattoos. Abruptly, he stood still. Suddenly he couldn't breathe anymore, the room was spinning around him. _Is that... Is that... _

He blinked his eyes, convinced that the whole situation was messing with his head. But no — it was him. 

It was really him. 

"O no," he whispered. "Oh no — what have you done?"

Ignoring the bat, he ran towards his boyfriend. Tears blinded him at the sight of all the blood. He fell on his knees in front of the man and took his face between his shaking hands. 

"Juice," he said in an insistent tone. "Juice... Baby look at me. Can you hear me?"

Juice didn't respond. 

Someone grabbed his shoulders and pulled him back. "What the fuck are you doing? It's him Raine, we caught him red-"

Raine jumped up, grabbing Esai by the throat. "He's my boyfriend, you idiot! You beat up my boyfriend! I _asked_ him to pick up Sasha! What the hell is wrong with you man!" Tears streamed down his cheeks. Sobbing, he pushed Esai away. This was something he would have to deal with later. Right now, all he wanted was taking Juice away from this place. Pulling a knife, he cut the ropes around Juice's wrists. Immediately he slumped forward, crashing into Raine's chest. He wailed like a wounded animal, the sound of it cutting Raine's heart. 

"Sorry," he whispered. "I'm so sorry baby." He took a deep breath and forced his eyes to stay dry. Carefully he shoved an arm underneath Juice's knees, his other arm he wrapped around his back. Slowly, he lifted him up and turned around, carrying his boyfriend in his arms. 

"Don't just stand there and get a doctor!" he snapped at Esai. There after, his dark glance fell upon Lucille. "And you... If he dies, I will crack your skull."

He couldn't care less about the fact that the guy was twice as tall as him. He didn't wait to hear their comments, but turned away from his brothers and carried Juice through the hangar and the workplace, towards his room. With difficulty he pried his key out of his pocket, which he shoved into the lock with shaking fingers. With his elbow, he pushed down the door handle. 

Cautiously he lowered his boyfriend on his bed. He locked the door; except for a doctor, he wouldn't let anyone in. After turning around, he took a deep breath. He stared at Juice's motionless body, to all the bruises covering his arms and face, and the blood that had stained the neck of his shirt. The sight of it was horrible; it kept him rooted to the spot. 

It was so... cruel. There were simply no words to describe how he felt. 

He himself had almost died because he wanted to help two Sons. 

And now, the same happened to Juice because he had been helping Raine. 

An overwhelming feeling of guilt made his knees feel weak. Could he have prevented this? Should he have counted on the possibility that Juice would run into one of his brothers? Again, tears were stinging in his eyes. Afraid that his legs would no longer be able to carry him, he sat down on the bed. Carefully, he caressed Juice's cheek where his skin wasn't colored. His lip had split, dried blood and saliva stuck to his chin. His right eye was swollen... A little bit of relief seeped into his heart at the realization that the injuries of his face were quite superficial; at least, those assholes hadn't bashed his skull. 

Gently, he laid his fingers around Juice's hand. He tensed when Juice turned his hand around so their fingers fell between each other. His glance shot back to his boyfriend's face, and he saw his eyes open slowly. 

His lips were moving, the whispers however were too weak. 

"Try not to talk," he said. 

Nevertheless, Juice cleared his throat. "I... I haven't told them."

"You didn't tell 'em what?"

"About you... and me..."

"Oh Juice..." His bottom lip started to tremble again. Had he endured all this pain just to keep their secret? He hadn't even _thought_ about secrecy when he saw him on that chair. He however decided not to tell him, he didn't want Juice to believe he had suffered in vain. 

"Is there anything I can do for you? You want some water? There's a doctor on its way."

"Water... is fine."

Raine got up immediately and went to the bathroom to get a glass of water. Back in his room he piled up the two pillows of the bed and he helped Juice to sit up straight. Every time a soft cry left his lips, it was Raine who was flinching. Quietly he helped Juice to hold the glass while he took a few small drinks. 

"Did they... found... your dad?"

Raine breathed in sharply. It hit him hard that this was the question that crossed Juice's mind in a situation like this. 

"No," he spoke softly. 

"I... I can help."

Raine squeezed his eyes for a moment. Good heavens, he loved this man so much. His words made him so emotional he didn't know what to say. 

"You're all that matters now," he said ultimately. "Come on, let me help you to take your clothes off so the doctor has a better view on your injuries."

Raine's stomach cramped up as he carefully rolled up Juice's shirt and saw the many red and purple bruises covering his sides and ribs. There was no way some of them weren't broken. Again, he started to sob quietly. Accepting that his boyfriend was assaulted was one thing. Knowing that it were his brothers, people he _loved, _who had done this to him, made everything worse. Especially because he himself had been the one who had been too chicken to tell them about Juice. Somehow, in some crazy way, _he_ was the one responsible for Juice's pain. 

A shiver went down his spine when Juice's fingertips slightly brushed across his wet cheek. The movement had to hurt, but the touch felt like a silent promise of forgiveness. Catching Juice's hand with his own, he kissed his fingertips one by one. There were so many things he wanted to tell him, but his throat felt thick and he couldn't get another word out. 

In the end, he decided to stay silent while he unbuckled Juice's belt and pulled down his jeans. The side of his green briefs was drenched in blood; his hip was covered in gruesome abrasions and bruises where his skin had been exposed. Pursing his lips, he tried not to cry _again. _The emotions however kept squeezing his throat. His father was missing, that was a horrible fact. And now, his boyfriend was assaulted too... It made him feel sick to the stomach. 

Someone knocked on the door. Raine got up and turned the key. It was Melany, the older sister of one of his brothers. She worked at the ER of the local hospital and had a history of helping wounded Mayans. 

Behind her stood Esai, who had crossed his arms and stared at him with a grim face. 

"I can't believe you're so upset over a Son while your old man is missin'," he said. 

Raine was tempted to slam the door in his face and to ignore his words, but instead, he entered the hallway. "Don't be an ass. You think I'm crying over 'just' a Son? I love him, Esai. I love him more than I can ever explain. It's horrible that my father is missing, but right now I can't do anything while _he,_" he pointed over his shoulder, "could have been death. You know how many people I've lost. And I can't lose him Esai. I can't lose him. I don't care what you think of him. It does not alter the fact that I love him and that losing him will tear me apart." He wiped his teary eyes. 

Esai sighed, then he pulled him in a hug. "I never would have been so harsh on him if I'd known that you two were in a relationship," he said. 

Raine squeezed his eyes. Of all people, it was Juice's tormentor who was embracing him now and it gave him a bitter taste in his mouth. Nevertheless; it was one of his closest friends and right now, he was just glad someone was holding him. 

"But Raine... Can you really blame me for thinking that he was kidnapping your niece? I believed he was a jealous ex; I thought he found out that you were screwing his girl."

But Raine did blame him. He couldn't help it. "I can't look at him without thinking that _you_ caused this, Esai. Even knowing that it was all a misunderstanding."

"It's just as much your own fault," Esai huffed. 

"You think I don't know that?!" he snapped. "You think I don't feel fucking guilty?!"

"I don't understand why you've started this in the first place."

"I don't expect you to understand. You've never been in love."

"But even if I was, I would never put some bitch above the club..."

"This has nothing to do with the club. Juice and I never talk about our clubs. You think this has been easy for us? Of course not. Neither of us wanted this in the first place, but we couldn't ignore our feelings. We've tried to forget about each other. We've tried to be friends at most. But it made neither of us happy."

There were so many more things he wanted to say, but he knew he would have to explain his decisions to everyone else anyway. Right now, all he wanted was to go back to Juice. 

"I gotta know how he is first," he said. "Then I will focus on my dad. And Sammy. Where's Sasha?"

"With my mom."

Raine nodded. He couldn't bring himself to thank him, and without saying another word he entered his room again. He came to stand next to Melany. 

"How is he?" he asked softly. "Does he need to go to the hospital?"

"There's no harm in that," she muttered. "Just to be sure. Either way, his ribs are bruised, just like his left hip and shoulder. He is in a lot of pain, but the injuries seem to be superficial." She handed him a salve. "Apply this cream to the bruises. Furthermore, he should rest." She squeezed his shoulder. 

"Thank you, Melany," he whispered. He waited until she had left the room, then he sat down next to his friend. "You okay?" 

"She gave me some painkillers, guess they'll work soon," he muttered. 

"Good. I'm going to apply this to your injuries, okay?"

Juice nodded. 

Raine started with his arms, followed by his torso, his hips and legs and at last his face. All this time, Juice looked at him in silence. His breathing sounded deep, but not alarming. 

"What do we do now?" Juice asked quietly after Raine put away the cup. Raine laid down next to him, and very carefully he laid an arm around his boyfriend. He just needed his lover for a moment, he just wanted to be close. 

"You gotta sleep and get better," he said. "I'll stay with you until you've fallen asleep, then I'll stop by at Sammy's to check up on her, and I hope the others will have some intel about my dad by then."

"I will be fine. Just go to Sammy."

Very lightly, he caressed Juice's face. "Not yet. I need to stay a little longer with you."

Juice lifted his hand as well, his fingers wandered across Raine's cheek. "We have to call my club," he said. "They — they took one of our parents too, a while back. I think — I think they're taken by the same people. Maybe we will be able to find them... if we team up."

Raine stared at him in disbelief. "You serious?"

"Yeah." Juice moaned as he sighed. "I can't imagine this is a coincidence."

"No..." Raine mused. "I will bring this to the table."

Juice's thumb traced his bottom lip and he showed him a small smile. "I never imagined our reunion to be like this, but I'm glad to see you again."

His voice sounded tired, and Raine saw that he was fighting to keep his eyes open. Raine kissed his thumb, dipping his head a little so there brows were touching. 

"Sleep a few hours," he said. "If I need a hacker I'll wake you up."

"Okay." It was silent for a while. "Will you stay a little longer? Just a little?" Juice opened his eyes to look at him. 

Carefully he kissed the tip of Juice's nose. "I will."

Again, he saw that beautiful smile. He closed his eyes for a moment, enjoying the presence of the one he had missed so badly it hurt. 

"You know what I was thinking about today?" Juice's voice sounded absent, as if sleep could take him away any moment.

"Well?" Slowly, he brushed the side of Juice's mohawk.

Only after a long time, Juice answered, without opening his eyes. 

"That I want to marry you."


	30. Exhausted

Again, Raine's eyes were stinging. He was a mess, and somehow he needed to get his act together before he would leave this room. Softly, he pressed his lips to Juice's; his breathing told him the man had fallen asleep. 

Raine swallowed. "It's insane how you can still make me feel the happiest man on Earth in all the shit we're in," he whispered. "And I don't know how our lives will change now they know the truth, but I'd love nothing more than becoming your husband."

It was a thought that crossed his mind a few times the past weeks. Especially when he decided to tell the club about Juice, he fantasized that they would support his decision to be with Juice, and in some future scenarios he had seen the aisle too, where he had put a ring on Juice's finger. 

He got up, covered Juice's body carefully with his duvet and looked once more at the bruised face of his lover. His stomach cramped up again, the guilt was still plaguing him. He blamed himself — it had been irresponsible to send Juice to Sasha. He should have known that Esai would make sure his niece was safe after their father went missing. Because of all the chaos he hadn't been able to think straight — and for that, Juice had paid a heavy price. 

It however did provide him _some_ information — the Sons were dealing with a similar kind of situation. He picked up Juice's jeans from the foot end of his bed and reached into his pockets until he found his cellphones. The fanciest one belonged to Juice himself, the simpler version was meant for club business. Raine put the latter back, even though he knew there might be valuable information on it. He unlocked Juice's phone, feeling relieved when there was no password demanded, and left the room, locking the door intentionally to make sure nobody could go near his boyfriend. 

Okay —what now? 

More than anything he wanted to go to Sammy to make sure she was all right, but he knew he had to wade through a clubhouse full of people with questions first, and he had information to share. It was better to bite the bullet right away. 

A tense silence filled the room when Raine entered the clubhouse. He read disapproval in the eyes of his brothers — in all of them. Although nobody was moving, it felt like he was enclosed while they gave him no room to breathe. 

A shiver went down his spine. Was Juice really safe here? 

"I got a lead," he said, hoping it would improve their mood. 

He jolted when his president looked him square in the eye. There wasn't a glimpse of sympathy in his eyes. "As it seems, you have some explaining to do first."

Raine sighed. Should they really do this now? He was exhausted, he wanted to see Sammy, he wanted to find his father, he wanted Juice to be safe and to feel better...

"There isn't much to explain now, I guess. Juice and I fell in love and we first wanted to make sure it worked before we would tell our clubs. Ask Angel about it if you want — I told him about Juice when I was in Santo Padre and I told him my feelings for him are serious and that I planned to take it to the table once I was back. Sadly, it all took a different turn."

Marcus raised his eyebrows. "And you really thought we would approve of this relationship?"

"As far as I know, the club doesn't decide who we marry. Juice and I never talk about our clubs — we never have. Some of you neither share details with your spouse."

"But we don't sleep with our enemies," someone else objected. 

"We're not in a direct war. Yeah — things are tense and there is a lot of history between the two clubs, but right now we're facing the same problems. Like missing parents." He gave his president an intense look. "I understand there are sanctions, and I even get it when you kick me out. But can we please find my dad first? He is kidnapped, and my relationship with Juice has nothing to do with it. The longer we wait, the harder it is to find him."

Marcus heaved a deep sigh, then he nodded. The look in his eyes however told him this conversation wasn't over. 

Esai was less subtle, and huffed: "If you hadn't been so keen on playing nurse, this conversation wouldn't have been there in the first place."

"Well you better be glad I _did_ play nurse; if not we still would have been in the dark. Juice told me the mother of one of his brothers went also missing a couple days ago. Someone reported a black van — possible the same van that drove the two Sons off the road. I wouldn't be surprised if we have a common enemy — someone who is consciously stirring us up to see how we respond."

Marcus' fingers stroked his goatee while thinking. "Fine," he said eventually. "What do you suggest? Is your... _informant _still conscious?"

Raine gritted his teeth, talking so distantly about Juice annoyed him. "He's asleep," he said. "But I do have his phone." He hesitated. "Chibs knows about us, he saw us in the hospital. I can call him, so he can mobilize the Sons. There seems to be a pattern now — maybe we should ask around to see if there are other charters were people went missing. And maybe Tenq can find some camera footage close to my father's house, so we can look for black vans."

Raine knew very well he was on thin ice now. He was probably the last one they'd take orders from. Yet, Marcus nodded. 

"Is Sammy with Diana? I gotta make sure she's okay."

"Sammy and Sasha are both with her," Marcus confirmed. 

Raine interpreted his answer as permission to leave. Once he was outside, he pulled Juice's phone out of his pocket, searched for the name "Chibs" and called. Nervously he bit his lip, wondering whether he was putting Juice in danger now or not. They could consider this as passing on information — and especially now their secret came out, he feared the consequences. But this was about his father's life, and the life of an innocent woman. Furthermore he knew that Juice wanted him to use the information; if not, he never would have mentioned it.

"Juicy!" the man said with his thick Scottish accent. "How ye doin'? What's the rush, huh?"

"You're speaking to Raine."

A pauze. "Oh?"

He took a deep breath. "My brothers know. About Juice and me. They were pretty rough on him, but it's our own fault." He rubbed his face. "Anyway, my dad is kidnapped and Juice told me something similar happened to you guys. I told the others; we agreed that we might need a truce until we've found our people. There's good reason to assume we're having a common enemy."

He heard Chibs sigh. "Tha's a lot of information ye got there, lad."

"Yeah."

"Where's Juice?"

"He's asleep. He — he will be fine. I need to see the rest of my family." He closed his eyes. A pounding headache arose and his thoughts and fears started to merge into one another. "Could you please help me?" he asked quietly. He felt weak when he heard the tremble in his voice, but now Juice was injured, his father was missing and his club was pissed at him, he didn't know what to do anymore. He wiped his shoulder across his cheek when a tear glided down. He didn't want to cry, but it was all getting too much. Imagines kept forcing themselves upon him; of Juice, bound to a chair, his head hanging, and masked men cutting his father to pieces. 

Sniveling he breathed in. He was exhausted, and it didn't look like he would get some sleep anytime soon. 

"Lemme see what I can do, kid. I'll be in touch." A brief silence fell. "Hang in there, aye?"

"Thank you."

He put his phone away, mounted his bike and rode to Marcus and Diana's house, which was only two blocks away. After ringing the doorbell, he leaned against the door frame, wavering inside when Diana opened the door. 

"Raine... you look terrible!" Diana eyed him up and down — a motherly look in her eyes which was inevitable when you had seen someone grow up since kindergarten. 

"How is Sammy?" he asked. 

"She's finally asleep." She studied his face. "Some sleep will be good for you too. Is there any news about your dad?"

"Not much," he muttered. "All we know is that someone kidnapped the mother of a Son as well. We're trying to team up." Now he was standing here, he started to feel restless again. Taking Juice's phone from his pocket, he concluded that Chibs hadn't called him back yet. 

"Come sit down, boy. Let's make you some chamomile."

Raine didn't have the energy to object. Soon he would peek around the corner to make sure Sammy was fine, but right now he doubted he would even reach the top of the stairs. He felt weak as water; his whole resilience seemed to be smashed to pieces. 

While Diana went to the kitchen, Raine sat down on the couch. He leaned forward, his head in his hands. So many uncertainties. So many things that could go wrong. So many things he could lose — _people_ he could lose...

The couch sank, and a moment later he felt an arm around his shoulders. "What's going on, son? You know the club will find your father, right? Don't worry so much, sweetheart."

Raine leaned into her, closing his eyes. He missed his own mother, his sister. He tried to man up, but instead, he started crying again. Diana rubbed his back in soothing circles while he kept wiping the tears away. 

"I'm not sure I'll still have the club after what I did, Diana," he said in a rough voice. "I fucked up pretty bad."

"What did you do, sweetheart?"

He dropped his eyes. "I fell in love with a Son."


	31. Hour of Truth

Raine felt like a schoolboy, as he was sitting there sniveling on the couch, admitting that he had fallen madly in love with his rival and that they really wanted to be together but that their clubs would never approve.

Diana let him talk without interrupting him, stroking his back soothingly. It was nice to let it all out. Of course he had vented to Angel as well, but since he was a Mayan too, he hadn't been completely honest.

"Do you love him more than you love the club?" Diana asked softly.

In silence, he stared at his knees. He couldn't simply ignore the fact that he was talking to the Old Lady of his president.  
  
She squeezed his shoulder. "You can be honest with me, Raine. I know how important the club is to guys like you, but I also know what it's like to love someone very much. I'm a wife, a mother."

He sighed softly. "The club has definitely been a great support. But Juice... It feels like he's making me whole again. I would never betray the club," he stressed after a pauze. "But I also understand that I can't be with a Son and stay a Mayan. I don't mind handing in my kutte if it means I no longer have to hide my relationship, if Juice and I can openly love each other." He bit his lip. "But I don't know if they're gonna give me that chance. They might as well hurt him... to punish me."

A tear slid down his cheek as he voiced his deepest fear. He was ashamed because he thought about a scenario in which his club would willingly want to hurt his partner, but he couldn't shove away that fear.  
  
"And does he want to give up his club too?"

Raine nodded. "I think so."

Diana grabbed his hand and squeezed it. "Then I believe Marcus will give you his blessing. Maybe not right away — I know my husband, he needs time to deal with this. But he loves you like a son, Raine. He wants you to be happy. And if the club can't give you that happiness, then I believe he'll support you in taking another path."

Raine pursed his lips. He wanted to believe her, but he was afraid that she was only trying to cheer him up. She hadn't seen the disappointment on their faces, hadn't felt their anger. They were all convinced that he had betrayed them. They couldn't see Juice apart from his club. In their eyes, the fact that he loved Juice meant that he loved the Sons. Instead of his own club.

Diana leaned towards him and kissed his cheek. "Why don't you check up on your sister and go back to your boyfriend?" She squeezed his hand once more. "You sound like a powerful couple that can overcome this. Have faith in each other, in yourself and in your clubs, and remember that everyone makes mistakes — especially when it comes to love." She caught his glance. "And I don't mean that your love for that boy is a mistake, but it might have led to wrong decisions."

Raine nodded slowly, although he still believed that Juice and he had taken the right steps during their relationship. The only decision he regretted was sending Juice to Sasha. If not, he could have informed the club about his relationship. They probably still wouldn't have liked it, but at least they wouldn't have beaten his lover to pulp.

The memory of Juice's bruised body caused a pang in his chest. Before anger would take over control, he stood up and went upstairs to the guest room where he had spent many nights when he was younger. The two girls were in bed together, Sammy had wrapped her arms around her niece. From the doorway he stared at the two. He realized all too well that their father was in danger because _he _was involved in a gang. What if they had caught one of the girls? If he wanted to protect what was left of his family, he should either break with the gang life or cut ties with his family. And he would never do the latter.

No — he just wanted to start over.

With his family — and with the one with whom he hoped to have a family of his own one day.

* * *

Chibs closed the door to Chapel behind him. _Well, here we go._  
  
He had no choice but to reveal Juice's secret to his brothers. He had told the others that he wanted to bring something to the table, and so all the Sons were there, even Tig who was still in rehab. Juice was the only one absent. 

"Where's Juice?" Jax asked, giving Chibs a questioning look. A couple of years had passed since he had been the guy's sponsor, but the others still seemed to think that he was responsible for him. And he had to admit, often he felt that responsibility as well. 

"That's what I wanted to talk about."  
  
They all turned their heads towards him. Chibs shoved back his chair and took a seat. After Raine's phone call, he had taken fifteen minutes to prepare himself for this conversation, figuring out the best way to bring the news, but there simply was no easy way. 

"I know something about Juicy I kept to myself," he started after lighting a cigarette. He leaned on the table with his forearms. "I believed it was up to Juice himself to tell ye but by now it's too late."

The rest looked at him impatiently, and he decided not to waste more time.   
  
"Juice has a boyfriend."  
  
A wave of astonishment went through the room. Tig chuckled softly. "I _knew _it."

"And he's afraid we're gonna judge him?" Jax asked. "Sure, it's unusual." He shrugged his shoulders. "But not forbidden. None of us cares what he does in his bedroom."

Chibs was relieved to hear their response, although he hadn't expected anything else. They all loved to tease Juice, but they loved him as much as anyone else.

"I'm afraid we do care this time," said Chibs with a sigh. "You remember Raine? That guy who wanted to help Hap and Tig when you were driven off the road? Skye claimed that he was her boyfriend, right?"

The others stared at him, a confused frown on their foreheads. It felt like no one wanted to tie his words together, as if no one wanted to face the truth.

"Well, it turns out he's not Skye's boyfriend, but Juice's."

Tig's eyebrows skyrocketed. "That's a fucking joke, right? He's bending over for a Mayan?"

Chibs ran a hand through his hair. "Apparently," he sighed.

"Unbelievable." Clay shook his head. "How can that boy be such an idiot? I bet there's a mic sewn to his kutte, they might have listened to any word we've said for God knows how long. What a moron. Can't believe he really fell for that."

Those were assumptions Chibs had had too "I've seen them together," he said. "In the hospital." He hesitated, but then said honestly: "I don't believe the Mayan is playing him. He almost died trying to help you." He glanced at Happy. "And he just called with Juice's phone to tell me his father's missing and that Juice thinks there's a connection to Mary's disappearance."

Opie raised his head when his mother was brought up.  
  
"The Mayan called you?" Bobby asked thoughtfully. "Why didn't Juice call you?"

Chibs let out another deep sigh. "The Mayans have also discovered that their brother sleeps with a Son. I guess they drew the same conclusion as we did: that Juice was playing their brother. They gave him a good beat up. Raine assured me that Juice would be fine. But the reason he called... is because these lovebirds hope that we can bury the hatchet to form a united front against whoever's targeting our clubs."

Clay shook his head stubbornly. "No way. I don't like this at all. As far as we know, they could be the ones behind this. Who says the guy's father really disappeared?"  
  
"But what's in it for them?" Opie sighed. "If they'd had my mom, they could've contacted us long ago, don't ya think? Why waiting so long?"

"Maybe they want us to expose ourselves," Clay said. 

"We could meet on neutral ground. Three members of each club," Jax suggested. He let out puff of smoke. "Mary's been gone for two weeks now. I agree with Ope. This ain't their style. I don't think it's the Mayans who are after us."

Clay snorted. "So you're saying it's _coincidence_ that a Mayan hooks up with Juice? Come on man. It's obviously a set-up. They've just changed their strategy and our idiot walks into their trap with eyes wide open. We're wasting our time."

Chibs remembered the pleading tone of Raine's voice. No, he didn't believe it was an act. "It can't hurt to meet on neutral ground and exchange some thoughts," Chibs insisted. "I'd like to go."

Jax kept his glance for a moment. "Me, too."  
  
"Me too," Opie said. "It's about my Mom. We don't have any other leads."  
  
With a deep sigh Clay agreed.  
  
Jax turned to Chibs. "Can you arrange a meeting with Alvarez' men?"  
  
He nodded severely, aware of how delicate the situation was.  
  
When the meeting got out of hand, Raine was the only one who could protect Juice. 


	32. Impossible

Juice felt so much pain he was convinced that he was lying in a hospital bed. He must have been in a terrible accident, for he couldn't think of one body part that didn't hurt. There however were no beeps he would expect to hear in a hospital; in the distance there were sounds but around him there was silence. He tried to open his eyes. His eyelids felt heavy, he suspected them to be swollen. 

The room was dark, he didn't see much — only shadows. 

His other senses neither were very helpful; he thought to smell a mix of cigarettes, leather and clotted blood, but breathing through his nose was hard; it felt like he was having a cold. There was quite a chance he was just imagining things. 

He tried to sit, his ribs however protested loudly and a groan slipped his lips. Quickly he lied down again. 

Next to him something was moving. Or more likely, _someone. _

Where the hell was he? Despite seeing so little, he knew he wasn't in his apartment or in his club room. Had he been so drunk last night? At least it would explain his headache and the nausea. Maybe he had fallen off a roof? Although there was someone lying next to him. Was all this the result of very rough sex? It was hard to believe. Firstly he wasn't a big fan of torture — much less in such a degree that he could barely move. And apart from that, he hadn't had sex in weeks. Raine and he...

_Raine_ _!_

The name was like a password giving access to his memories. Raine's father was missing and he'd asked Juice to pick up his niece. Juice had done so, but he was overpowered by a Mayan who had dragged him to the clubhouse. His wrists were aching as he saw himself bounded to a chair.

A baseball bat — they had manhandled him with a baseball bat. Raine had run inside, had been furious, had untied him and had carried him to his room. 

Yeah — that's where he was now. In his boyfriend's room. 

Vaguely, he remembered how the man had laid him in bed before he left to explain to his brothers why he had sent a Son to pick up his niece. 

_I want to _ _marry_ _ you. _

Words he'd thought, yesterday. 

Or had he said it out loud? 

A new sort of panic hived through his body. No — he hadn't said that to Raine, right? They weren't together for long — they hadn't even had sex! When Raine knew that Juice wanted to marry him already, he would probably run for the hills!

With great effort, he opened his eyes. Carefully he touched his face. Everything was swollen; from his jaws to his eyelids. No wonder he barely saw something... He groaned as he slowly rolled on his side so he could inspect the bed next to him. Yeah... there he was. Warm skin glowed against his fingertips. Juice stroked his fingers up and down, although Raine began to move soon. 

"Juice?" Raine's voice sounded hoarse.

Through small cracks, Juice looked up. Raine's face was suddenly very close, his breathing ghosted the bruised skin.

"How do you feel? Are you in a lot of pain?"

"Yeah," he groaned. "Every fucking bone hurts man."

"You think something's broken?"

Step by step, Raine told him to bend his body parts until they concluded that nothing was broken. 

Clenching his jaw, he sat up straight. Worried, his glance slid across Raine's body. After how roughly they'd treated him, he'd expected his boyfriend to be beaten up as well. To his relief, no such thing had happened. 

"What now?" He leaned with his back against the wall. His ribs were aching, every breath felt like torture. He was probably exhausted because of the pain within an hour. "They're gonna let me go?"

"I insisted on a truce," Raine said. "This afternoon we'll talk to three Sons. Hopefully we'll be able to find my dad. And your brother's mom."

Juice touched for Raine's hand and took it in his, even though his knuckles were hurting. He was proud of his boyfriend; now their secret had came to light in such an unfortunate way, it must have been hard to convince them. 

Raine lifted his hand and pressed a kiss to it before putting it back on the mattress. "I'm gonna get ya something to eat."

The guy slipped off the mattress. Juice sank back in the pillows Raine had put against the wall and waited for his return. 

Raine came back with a glass orange juice and bread that was sliced in such small pieces he could have fed Sasha with it. Juice however was grateful; like all his joints, his jaws were aching and he could only take little bites. 

Eating was painful, yet he chewed his food slow, ignoring the pain as he swallowed. He'd probably screamed for over an hour yesterday, so he wasn't surprised that his throat was aching. 

"How did they respond?" he asked quietly. 

Raine's glance slid down and he stared at the blankets. "They haven't said much, but the look in their eyes..." He sighed. "I don't think they'll ever understand. Diana — Marcus' Old Lady — told me her husband would find it hard to accept it, but that he'd want me to be happy in the end."

Juice nodded slowly. Did this mean that they were going to leave their clubs? It might be the only choice they had. He however didn't want to talk about it — not now. In silence he ate. As he caught Raine's look after a while, he tried to give him a reassuring smile. He was okay. He wasn't dying or something. They would make it through this. 

He thought back to the words he'd thought of when he woke up. He bent his head in shame. Would Raine have made a comment about it if he'd really spoken the words out loud? Or would he pretend it never happened? How could he find out if he had really said something so stupid to his boyfriend?

After finishing his meal, Raine took the plate from his lap and put it on the night stand. "Let's take a shower," he said. "You could use some hot water, and there's still blood here and there."

"I imagined our first shower together a bit more romantic," Juice muttered. "Not with a body like this."

Raine chuckled. "Stop whinin'. You're hot anyway." He got up, his voice sounded a little lighter than before and he gave Juice a wink. "Let's go. I'll make sure you get all the romance you want."

* * *

The romance consisted of undressing each other very carefully — or actually, undressing Juice. With a tenderness that made Juice feel hot all over, his lover cautiously wiped the clotted blood away while the warm water fell on his head and shoulders. Even though he had seen his boyfriend only one time naked — and he had been really impressed by his body — he was mainly looking at his face now, at the concentrated frown on his brow and his worried eyes. 

Raine must feel him stare, for he looked up after carefully washing Juice's upper body. "What?"

"You're sweet."

He blurted out the words and regretted them immediately. His cheeks turned red. For a moment he hoped the bruises would hide them, but Raine's smirk told him differently. "I'm trying to. A good husband should at least be a little sweet, right?" There was a teasing spark in his brown eyes. 

Juice's breathing faltered and he stared at his boyfriend in disbelief. "W-what? Husband?" he stammered. 

Raine chuckled as he took a step closer to Juice. He placed his hands above his hips. Juice couldn't think of a better remedy for the pain than Raine's touch. The water rained down on Raine's shoulder now, causing the ink on his chest to glisten. 

"You said so before you fell asleep yesterday. That you want to marry me."

Juice didn't know where to look. "I — I never meant to say that out loud."

Raine laughed quietly while moving his hands to Juice's back. They descended to his ass, where after the man pulled him closer to his waist. Juice was afraid he would faint. And not because of the pain, this time...

Very lightly, Raine's lips met his. Raising his hand, Juice caressed the side of his face. The moment they created a little more distance, his thumb traced Raine's smirk. 

"You don't look like these words shocked you," Juice noticed. 

Raine's hands kneaded his flesh, and Juice's hands also wandered off to Raine's behind. 

"I'm not an easy one to shock," Raine winked. "If you want me gone, you better come up with something better."

Relief filled his chest, although there were still nervous tinglings in his stomach. "Does that mean that you'd want to marry too?"

Raine's hands slipped up across Juice's hips and further upwards until he cupped the back of his head and looked him straight in the eye. "Maybe." Again, there was that twinkle in his eyes cutting Juice's breath off. "But I'm sure you can think of a more romantic proposal — and I'd prefer one where you don't fall asleep at the supreme moment."

Juice's cheeks flushed. Dipping his head, he rested his forehead against Raine's. It felt like Raine's words were healing him from the inside. With both hands he held Raine's face. 

"I love you. I love you so fucking much," he whispered, looking him in the eye. 

Raine kissed his lips before meeting his eyes again. They were sparkling when he smiled. "I love you more."

"Impossible."

A grin crossed his face. "Now _that's_ impossible."

* * *

After Raine had toweled him off and helped him in a shirt and sweatpants, they lied down on the bed again. In a soft voice Raine told him about Santo Padre; while talking, he slowly ran his fingers across Juice's mohawk. A few times Juice dozed off, but every time he woke up, Raine was still on his side. 

A little past noon Raine told him they would soon go to the meeting place. "You think you're able to come with me?" Raine asked. "It's hard to imagine how your brothers will react when you're not there. We can take the car."

"Yeah, I'll be fine. Especially if you got another painkiller cocktail for me."

He couldn't stay in the clubhouse of the Mayans. As long as Raine was with him he felt safe, but when he stayed behind alone? Not so much. 

Raine got off the bed and started to wrap his socks around Juice's feet. Once Juice turned a quarter, the man also shoved his shoes on his feet. The sight of it filled him with warmth. Sure — he knew for some time how sweet his boyfriend was, but his caring nature kept increasing his love for this man. 

He couldn't imagine he would ever love someone but this man. 

"Are you nervous?" Raine asked after helping him on his feet.

"Not _close to panic attack nervous_ but I've been at places I felt more comfortable."

"Yeah, me too." Raine sighed and put on his kutte. "But we'll get through this." He gave him a wink and left the room. 

Juice followed him as quick as he could. Up to now he had only taken a few steps; he still was in a lot of pain. Through the hallway they headed to a swinging door. Behind it he heard voices and laughter — and music. 

If it wouldn't have hurt so much, he would have taken a deep breath. 

"Well, here we go," Raine muttered as they reached the door. 

The two men looked at each other. Raine reached out his hand and Juice laced his fingers with those of his lover. Then, they entered the clubhouse. 

Immediately everyone stopped talking, they all turned towards them. 

Juice squeezed Raine's hand. He had no idea where to look; burning glances were all around them. He couldn't remember he'd ever entered a room that felt so hostile. There wasn't much left of his pride to be a Son and it was hard to imagine that these guys meant as much to Raine as Juice's own brothers meant to him. 

He didn't hold on to any illusions; his own brothers would respond exactly the same way. 

Awkwardly, Juice cleared his throat. "Hey."

No one answered. His fingers cramped around Raine's. He felt like a criminal on his way to the rope while they all couldn't wait to see him hang. 

His eye caught Alvarez, who shoved back his bar stool and turned towards them. 

Before Juice could say something, he felt something cold against the back of his head, followed by a click. The safety of a gun. He froze. 

"We ain't gonna give back this boy just like that, huh?" a grim voice sounded behind him. "He will be our hostage. I want to trade him for the murderer of my son."


	33. If That Ain't Love

Raine tensed at the click of a gun close to his head. Immediately he looked over his shoulder. It was Martinez, with his 68 years he was the oldest Mayan. A quiet man who kept to himself, who didn't speak up often and who, usually, didn't wave with guns. As far as Raine knew, he always stayed out of conflicts. Not because he was afraid to share his opinion, but because he believed every discussion to be a waste of time. He'd seen it all. It was visible on his weathered face, the circles under his eyes. Raine knew that his son had been murdered a few years ago, but the involvement of the Sons was new to him.

His heart leapt in his chest, his palm felt sticky against Juice's. His boyfriend looked at him from his periphery, as if he wanted to read in Raine's eyes in how much danger he was. 

Raine didn't know. This man was erratic. When it came to the death of a child, everyone was erratic. 

"Calm down, Martinez," Marcus spoke, his voice sounding both respectful and compelling. "Our priority is to find Raine's old man. Unless you know a better way to find him, we're going to that meeting with the Sons now. Time is precious."

"I demand justice," Martinez growled. "I'll never get a chance like this again."

"You're neither getting this chance now!" Raine snapped. "Take your fucking gun off my boyfriend's head. If anyone else lays a finger on him I swear I will kill you!"

It was stupid. Of course it was stupid. He couldn't exactly attack ten men. But the emotions were raging through his body — he just wanted them to leave Juice alone, instead of using him as an outlet for their anger or a way to repay old grudges. 

"Shut your mouth, Raine," Marcus cut him off. 

Angrily, Raine clenched his jaw. 

Marcus aimed his glance at Martinez. "Lower the gun, Martinez. I will not say it again."

Suddenly, the man lashed out, hitting the back of Juice's head with the gun. The man already stood so unstable that his legs collapsed immediately. Quickly Raine caught him. Anger flamed across his jaws as he heard some of his brothers laugh and call him a pussy. Fucking assholes. He was sure they all would have whined if they'd been manhandled with a baseball bat themselves. 

Martinez grumbled, calling him a traitor before rushing past him. He slammed his shoulder against Raine's with such a force that Raine almost lost his balance. 

Raine wrapped one arm around Juice's waist. The man was leaning into him, he could feel his battle against the pain. He however didn't dare to show him the affection he deserved, afraid he would only add fuel to the fire. 

"Come on, let's go outside," he said quietly. "We'll wait there until they're ready to leave."

Juice said nothing. He stared at the floor. 

Rained helped his boyfriend through the crowd until they reached the door. Outside, he helped him in a bucket seat. Six of them were placed around a table on which were two full ashtrays. Once Juice was sitting, Raine examined his head, looking for the spot where Martinez hit him. He found a graze, the skin around it was red. He would have a huge bump on his head, later today. 

Leaning over Juice, he kissed the tattoo on the right side of his head before sitting next to him. There was an awkward silence between them. They hadn't experienced a lot of them and Raine didn't really know what to say. 

"They're never going to accept us, do they?" Juice's voice sounded hoarse. 

"No, I guess not," he murmured. They had known it from the start, but deep down, he had hoped for some understanding. 

"Maybe we should stop."

Juice's words made his heart ache. He wasn't serious, was he? This was because of the pain he was feeling, he wasn't thinking clear, right? Or did he misinterpret his words? "You mean we should leave our clubs?"

"We've been part of our clubs for such a long time. And we — we're together for only a short period. We didn't even have sex yet. We're still in an early stage and..." Juice shrugged.

Raine had no idea where these words were coming from. Was he scared? Was this a lack of confidence? Either way, he didn't agree with his words. "Stop it," he said in a stern voice. "You know that I love you and I know that you love me. Don't pretend that what we have isn't real. The reason we haven't had sex yet, is because there are so many others things that connect us beside the physical attraction. Only because we find it so important that we are both ready, it hasn't happened yet. It's a sign of respect and patience, of love. It's not proof of a lack of those things. I would protect you with my life and I know you would do the same, Juice. If that ain't love, I don't know what is."

Juice cast his glance down. "Sorry. I just have this feeling I'm ruining your life."

"My life was already destroyed when my little sister died." He took Juice's hands in his. "You gave meaning to my life again. You made me whole again. I love you so fucking much, Juice. You give me more than the club's ever given to me. You're my home. Not them."

If his brothers would hear this, they would probably kick him out right away, but it didn't make his words any less true. He glanced over his shoulder. Esai was standing in the doorway, watching them. Luckily he was too far away to catch his words. Once their eyes met, Esai looked away. 

Was it disgust what he was feeling? Or regret? 

His attention returned to Juice when his fingertips caressed his jaw. Juice caught his glance. The love that Raine saw in his eyes, caused a chill down his spine. He never doubted Juice's love — after all, last night he told him that he wanted to marry him — but this time, Juice himself was convinced of his love again too. 

"I'm sorry," Juice said softly. "I wouldn't know what to do without you."

Raine bent his head, brushing his nose with the tip of his own. "You don't have to, for it's not gonna happen."

Juice's lips bent into a smile. The sight of it still called up butterflies in his stomach, no matter how often he had seen that smile. Right when he wanted to kiss him, he heard voices. Marcus Alvarez and Antonio, their secretary, stepped outside. 

"_Vamos__,_" his president said shortly. "I texted you the address, we make sure we're behind you."

Raine gave a nod before turning to Juice. He was tempted to help him on his feet, but he knew his friend well enough to know that he didn't want to look weak. With gritted teeth he got up and without Raine's help, he managed to walk to the car.

* * *

Raine parked his car in a semi-crowded shopping street. They were supposed to meet in a neutral bar. He thought it was a wise decision — it was much better than some remote place where one could expect an ambush. A bar undoubtedly helped to create a little less hostile atmosphere. 

Juice and Raine headed to the entrance of the bar, where the two Mayans were already waiting for them. The three bikes of the Son stood close to the door. From his periphery Raine peeked aside to see what Juice wanted. Their secret had came out now; for Juice, this was the moment he had to face his angry brothers. Moving his hand to the side, he hooked his pinky with Juice's, loosely, so his boyfriend could pull his hand away when he found that more comfortable. 

Alvarez opened the door and entered the room, followed by Antonio. 

Juice and Raine went inside after them. After a few steps, Juice's hand slipped into his and he gave a firm squeeze. Their eyes met. Raine tried to smile, but because of his own nerves the corner of his mouth was twitching. 

"It's not about us now," he said, trying to convince both himself and Juice. "It's about finding my dad and that woman."

Juice nodded, squared his shoulders and raised his head. His confidence was fake, but Raine thought it was attractive anyway and it gave him strength. 

Three Sons were waiting in the corner. Two of them weren't much older than Juice and him, the third one was Chibs. The three stood up once they saw Juice. 

"Juicy," Chibs said, walking over to them. "You okay, lad?" Lifting Juice's chin, he studied Juice's face, concern filling his eyes. 

"Yeah," he muttered. "I'm fine, don't worry."

Pain radiated from his face as his brothers greeted him with a hug.

Raine shook Chibs' hand before turning to the other two. One was tall and broad shouldered, with dark blond hair waving down his shoulders; the other had piercing blue eyes and blond hair, the vicepresident patch was sewn to his kutte. 

Following Raine's example, Alvarez and Antonio also greeted their rivals. Raine shoved a chair towards the table so Juice could sit next to Chibs, where after he added a second one for himself, Juice and him being the bridge between the two clubs now. 

He felt the blond man's gaze rest upon him. "Well... You like to cause a stir, huh? Providing immediate aid to two of my brothers, wrapping our Intelligence Officer around your finger, calling Chibs over here to call a cease-fire..." Turning up the corner of his mouth, he smirked before his glance wandered off to Juice. "We'll talk about you two later. If your little love affair helps us to find back Mary, you might get only one round in the ring."

Juice gave him a small smile. "I already had ten rounds. It's his turn now." He nudged Raine's shoulder and moved his hand to Raine's knee. 

The men chuckled — although he could feel the shame on the side of his own club. Raine covered Juice's hand with his own, in some weird way the ice seemed broken now. Raine was relieved that Juice's brothers responded so lightly to their relationship, but it hurt that his own brothers had been so hostile. 

"Let's get down to business now," Opie — the tall man — said. "What did you find out about the kidnapping?"

Alverez shoved a pile of papers forward; prints of the camera footage their Intelligence Officer had found. Jax had a few copies too; Juice had probably done the same job the past days, after which his brothers printed the results. 

Now there were two stories to compare, they could finally _really_ start their search. 


	34. The Epitome of Irony

"They — they're in a hotel?"

Raine couldn't believe his ears. Since the moment his father went missing, he'd pictured dark basements and abandoned hangars. Now however, Juice told him that his father was in a hotel only 25 miles away from Charming. An enormous wave of relief washed over him, although it still didn't sit right with him. He never understood why someone kidnapped his dad in the first place, especially not now they hadn't asked for any money, but why would someone take him to a _hotel_? The more they discovered, the crazier this whole situation became. 

After the meeting in the bar they had gone to the clubhouse of the Sons, just like the other Mayans. Juice and Phantom — their own hacker — had retreated to a room to follow three possible leads. Raine had no idea how they'd done it, but when they left the room there was an identical smirk on their faces. 

Phantom was the newest member. He patched in three months ago and with his 21 years old he was the youngest of both clubs. Raine didn't know the guy very well; he had been too busy with his sister's health during his prospecting period. He was a bit of a weirdo, with very light grey eyes and black hair that always looked messy. Even after earning his patch, everyone treated him as a prospect and the kid didn't seem to care. 

Right now, he leaned with his arm on Juice's shoulder. He looked at the Son with a triumphant grin. "Well — you and I did pretty well huh."

Juice smirked back. 

Raine felt a little uncomfortable now the two seemed to get along so well. It was an enormous change after how his other brothers had behaved around Juice. He knew there was no reason to be jealous and it was incredibly childish of him to feel annoyed by the way Phantom was leaning against his boyfriend, but he hadn't slept in days, the suspense was killing him and he couldn't tolerate much right now. 

Juice caught his glance, a slight frown on his brow. 

Raine understood — Juice just figured out the location of his father and Raine responded anything but enthusiastic. He offered his boyfriend a tired smile. 

"Okay, let's go." Antonio slammed his hand on the table. "Four men will go inside; two for each hostage, the others will wait outside. We won't raid the hotel until there's fierce resistance. Right now, we still don't know who's behind this so be careful. A conversation might be all they're after, so with a bit of luck it won't result in a shooting."

A shooting.

Antonio stated it as something so normal, but now his father was the one in the line of fire, it felt different. Every muscle in his body felt tense, yet he wanted to be the one entering that building. 

There were six bikers who stayed behind to make sure nobody would invade the clubhouse now the group split up — after all, it could still be a diversion. Both Juice and Phantom would stay — the two of them got a list of tasks they had to carry out while the others headed to the hotel. 

While the others went outside, Raine walked over to the side of the building to have a brief moment with his boyfriend. 

"You okay?" Juice asked in a soft tone. His eyes were filled with concern. 

"Yeah," he muttered.

But no — he was not okay. His body felt as if it was made of lead and before he knew it, he closed the distance between their bodies so Juice could wrap his arms around him. He shivered as Juice's lips touched his temple. 

"I'm exhausted," he whispered. "And I don't wanna leave you."

Juice pulled back a little and caressed his face. "I will be fine," he said. "You're going to get your dad and then all this shit is finally over." Leaning forward, he pressed a soft kiss on his lips. "And once your dad is back, we will lock ourselves up in my bedroom and forget about the rest of the world for two whole days."

Raine rested his forehead against Juice's and closed his eyes. "I can't wait," he mumbled. Whether they could really do that, remained to be seen. He had no idea how his father was feeling, whether he needed care... And he still had a two year old to care for and a younger sister who was close to a break-down. All of them were more important than him. 

"Hey." Juice's stern voice made him open his eyes. "You can do this, Raine. Your brothers may act like assholes, but you are the reason they're here. They love you," he said. "Obviously not as much as I love you," he continued with a smirk, "but enough to forget for one moment that your totally in love with the enemy."

Raine chuckled, his tiredness chased away by Juice's words. He would probably step on some toes, but he gave Juice a long kiss. "I love you."

"Yeah yeah, I know." With a teasing grin, Juice gave him a shove towards the door. "Go save your dad so I can finally meet him. Tell him I was the one who found him, then I'll make a good first impression."

Raine pulled him closer one more time to give him another intimate kiss before he let go of him. He was relieved that his boyfriend would stay here, especially with all his injuries, but he still hated to be apart. If something happened to his father... Then he wanted Juice near, and instead, he'd be on his laptop in another town. 

He shook off the thought. 

_Nothing's gonna happen to your dad, Raine. You've lost more than enough people. You're gonna free him from that hotel room, take him home and you will tell him that you have the smartest and sweetest boyfriend in the world and that you're going to introduce that hero to him really soon._

With these thoughts in mind, he left the clubhouse of the Sons and climbed on his bike.

* * *

Worried, Juice watched his boyfriend leave. Usually Raine was the one who kept his emotions in check, but he knew he was really close to a break down now. Soon, he really needed a break from all this . Right now however there was nothing Juice could do for him, except using his laptop to support the men. He headed back to the office where Gemma was usually doing the administration and where they'd worked on their laptops the past hour. Phantom's fingers flashed across the keyboard. He looked up when Juice sat down on a desk chair, lifting the corner of his mouth. 

"Ready for round two?"

Juice had never seen such an energetic person. It wasn't annoying, somehow the Mayan gave him energy too. He had never expected to feel so comfortable around a Mayan other than Raine, but Phantom was nice company. Actually Juice had never worked together with another hacker, but by challenging and trying to be faster than the other, they brought out the best in each other. 

"Absolutely," he said. 

"You hack into the administration files to find Mary while I check the camera footage? First one who succeeds gets a crate of beer."

Juice chuckled. "Go get one then."

"After you."

With a crooked smile, Juice aimed his attention back to his laptop. He was glad he could keep himself busy and do something useful. It distracted him from the pain that still surprised him by every move he made and it also kept him from worrying about his boyfriend the whole time. 

An hour ago they already hacked into the system and found out that Raine's father had been in the lobby yesterday. This time it was up to Phantom to use the camera footage to see what room he was brought to. It didn't take long before Juice had bypassed the poor security system so he could look into the reservations. If they kept Mary there since the beginning — assuming she was there in the first place — they must have booked a room for sixteen days. He couldn't imagine there were a lot of people who booked a room for so long. Figuring out what room she was in, would be easier than finding the room of Raine's dad, since that room was booked a day ago. Unless they were kept in the same room. 

There was only one room that was booked sixteen days ago — room 214. 

"Found it," he said with a smug smirk. "214."

"Ah fuck," Phantom said a little later. "I lost sight at them at the third floor."

Juice got up and stood behind the other guy. "How late did they enter the lobby? If I look up the time of registration in the files..."

"They got the key earlier that day. The guy that escorts him clearly has a key for they don't go to the counter."

"Same room?"

"No, they took Elijah one floor higher."

Phantom pressed some keys, where after Juice watched a man walking through a hallway. Raine's father. Until today, he hadn't even known Elijah was his name. The man looked calm, a baseball cap shielded off his eyes. Raine told him he never used to wear one. His dark hair curled around the edges of the cap; Juice couldn't see his face. Nothing in his body language showed that he was at gunpoint. 

Juice returned to his own laptop and texted Jax the number of Mary's room. "The room must have been booked before Elijah's arrival," Juice pondered. He made print screens of the reservations and crossed off all the ones that were booked at a later time. "Someone has to go inside. If you send them to that hallway and let me know what numbers there are, I can cross off a lot more rooms."

"Yep." Phantom texted his president. "Will take fifteen minutes before they get there. Wanna smoke?"

Juice nodded. Together with the Mayan he left the office through the garage and sat down on the picknick table. Phantom sat down next to him and offered him a cigarette. 

"So," he said as soon as his cigarette was on. "You and Raine, huh." He smirked. 

Juice had expected a comment about that much earlier. All other Mayans had looked furious, but he hadn't seen Phantom this morning. "Yep. Me and Raine."

"Cool." He smirked. "He's hot."

Juice almost dropped his cigarette and stared at him in disbelief. "What?"

The young Mayan chuckled. "What? You think you're the only gay biker?"

"I'm not gay."

"Well I am." Phantom let out a puff of smoke. "Not that anyone knows, tho. I was afraid they would kick me out and I worked fucking hard to get that top rocker."

Juice was a little blindsided by that confession. "Nobody knows?"

"Nobody inside the club. I neither knew Raine was into guys. Which is a shame; otherwise I definitely would have tried to hit on him." He wiggled his eyebrows. "But who knows, maybe he's single soon, when this whole rival thing doesn't work out for you two."

Juice looked away awkwardly. Working together with Phantom had felt so natural he had forgotten about their rivalry. 

"I'm just kidding bro." Phantom nudged his shoulder. "I'm not after your boyfriend." He caught Juice's insecure glance. "I honestly feel more attracted to you. My hacker soulmate, you know?"

Juice didn't know if this twist was much better. He neither knew if he should take his words seriously, but he felt his cheeks glow. Except for Raine, there had never been a guy flirting with him. That it was _another_ Mayan, was the epitome of irony. 

"You know Raine well?" Juice asked. The sooner the subject changed, the better. 

"Not really," Phantom answered. "I earned my patch around three months ago. Raine's always been quiet and to himself, he never hangs out at the clubhouse after closing time. Which kinda sucks. Esai is an arrogant prick and everyone else is hundred years older."

Juice raised his eyebrows. "Well... you got balls; talking about your president's son like that."

Phantom shrugged. "You gonna tell him? I heard it was his idea to beat you up."

Juice looked away. That was true. "Everyone's pissed at him. At Raine," he muttered. "You're not?"

Phantom's glance wandered across Juice's face. "Nah. I think I would have fallen for that cute face too." He gave him a wink. "So I get Raine, I'm on his side." He swung an arm around Juice's shoulders. "Unfortunately, they value the opinion of a dog more than mine." His grey eyes held Juice's glance for a moment. Before he could add another word, his phone rang. "Ah, they're at the hotel." He jumped off the table. "Come on dude. Back to work."

Juice stubbed out his cigarette and followed Phantom, shaking off the strange feeling the Mayan called up inside him. There were tons of girls who flirted with him and he never felt awkward around them. Why was it so different when it was a guy? 

In silence, he sat down behind his laptop, waiting for the instructions of the Mayan.


	35. Condemnation

Chibs walked to the front desk to prevent the staff from panicking as four bikers would enter the hotel and spread through the building. Together with his president, Raine headed to the elevator while Opie and Jax went up the stairs. They would go to the second floor, Raine and Alvarez to the third.

He focused on his breathing while the elevator went up. He used to trust the technology blindly, but since he'd been stuck in it with Juice that trust was gone. Every time the elevator stopped, he was afraid the thing would be defect. He had no bad memories to the last time he'd been stuck — on the contrary, every day he was grateful the elevator in the hospital had been broken — but this really wasn't the moment to get stuck. They still didn't know anything about their opponents. There was a good chance they saw them coming. Maybe they could even operate the elevator, so they could take his father away unnoticed. 

They didn't speak a word as the elevator moved up. Although they'd put their conflict aside, he could still feel the disappointment of his president and the father of his best friend. Raine felt the need to explain why he'd fallen in love with a Son and that it had never been their intention to get into a relationship but that they had been unable to stop it, but this wasn't the right moment nor the right place. Instead, he took his Glock from behind his waistband, prepared for an ambush once the elevator doors slid open. 

Someone gave a little scream once the doors were open. A young woman ducked behind a cart with bed linen. Raine cast her an apologetic glance as he walked past her, then he took in the empty hallway in front of him. Alvarez pressed his phone to his ear, summing up the room numbers around them. 

Waiting for instructions, he looked at his president. 

"Your boyfriend is checking the rooms."

_Your boyfriend. _Suddenly the air in the hallway felt lighter as Alvarez referred to Juice as his boyfriend. As if it was a possibility. As if Alvarez was prepared to allow him to be his boyfriend. 

Raine nodded briefly while he walked further down the hallway, his fingers clenched around the gun. Man, how badly he wanted all this shit to be over... He not only wanted to find his father, he also wanted to find out why the hell this was happening anyway so they could leave it behind them. 

"328."

The number pulled Raine out of his thoughts immediately. His glance flashed to the door to his right. 322. It had to be a few doors ahead. He started to run; only when he stood in front of the door of room 328 he realized that he had no idea what to do. Knock? It was fucking _hotel_ where they were holding his dad. 

Alvarez was more effective; he aimed the gun at the lock, fired a couple of shots and slammed his shoulder against the door. The door flew open. Raine stepped inside immediately. From the threshold, he stared at the bed. 

His father wasn't gagged, his hands weren't bound. He was watching tv from the bed. For a moment Raine thought they had made a huge mistake and that his father had just wanted to be out of the house for a few days. 

However, when he looked his father in the eye, he knew it wasn't a mistake. The man got up from the bed and pulled him in a hug. 

"My boy," he whispered. "You're safe."

Confused, Raine held his dad. Of course he was safe. _He _wasn't the one who'd been abducted?! He had no idea what was going on and he took a step back to look at his father. "What happened? Did they hurt you?"

"No, no. They treated me well." His father didn't sound confused, the look in his eyes was bright but worried. "I did what they said, if not, they would make you suffer."

Raine exchanged a look with Alvarez, who nodded to the door. _Get out of here. _

The man was right. The sooner his father was home, the beter. They would have plenty of time to wrack their brains over this bizarre situation.

* * *

Ten minutes later Raine was in the car, his father was seated next to him. Neither of them was speaking and the silence between them was uncomfortable. He had a strained relationship with his father for years, especially since his mother died and his father broke down. Raine had taken the responsibility for their family; he'd given up his own dreams and still his father had criticized him for being a member of a motorclub. Nevertheless, Raine tried not to blame him. He knew his father was doing the best he could. Raine didn't know how it felt to lose your other half. Juice and he were only together for a few months and already the thought to lose his boyfriend could keep him awake at night. He could imagine how the loss of person you loved so dearly, with whom you shared _every detail_ of your life, caused a complete change in a person, making it almost impossible to keep your head up. As the eldest son, Raine had been his biggest support.

"What happened?" Raine asked after a while. They couldn't stay silent forever. 

"There was a man at the door. A young man, a couple years older than you. All dressed up — the type of guy you don't want to mess with. The mob or something. He told me to sit in his fancy car. If I obeyed, nothing was going to happen to my son. So obviously, I did as he said." He looked away, Raine heard the pain in his voice as he continued: "I can't lose another child."

Raine bit his cheek. He knew this subject was very sensitive for his father. Raine had always been proud of his father; he was a fireman. He had risked his own life to save other people — but he hadn't been able to save his own wife, his own daughter. Even though there was nothing a fireman could about a wasting disease, Raine always had the feeling that his father did blame himself for their deaths. 

"So it had something to do with your club?"

He heard the silent reproach in his voice. The club who put his family in danger. _Raine_ who put what was left of their family in danger. 

"We don't know," he answered. He slowed down as the car neared a roundabout. "But a parent from another club was also taken. Two weeks ago. Nobody contacted us. We have no idea what the meaning of this was."

Hopefully, the Sons would be able to extort more information. After all, Mary had been gone for over two weeks. 

Another silence fell. Raine stared at the road while he drove to his father's house. 

* * *

Sammy threw her arms around him once he entered Alvarez' house. Tears streamed down her face. "You found Dad!"

"Of course I did." He laid a kiss on her temple. 

"Is he all right?"

Raine nodded, rubbing her back. "He's fine. As it seems, it's all a misunderstanding."

It obviously wasn't, but he didn't want her to worry. Her connection with the Mayans should make her feel safe since his brothers would protect her no matter what. 

"I'll take you to him. Is Sasha awake?"

"She's playing in the garden."

Raine walked further into the house. He greeted Diana with a kiss on her cheek. "Thank you for looking after the girls."

"Always, Raine. You know that. Marcus called to tell me your father is unharmed. I'm happy to hear that, sweetheart. Will you take a few days off now? You need that, Raine."

Raine nodded. He hoped he could. He had the feeling he could sleep for a year. 

He headed to the garden. Diana's six year old daughter and Sasha were playing with sidewalk chalk. His lips bent into a smile, happy that his niece had no idea what had been going on.

"You comin' with me, Sas? We're going to see Grandpa."

"Uncle Raine!" She jumped up and ran towards him. Right before she reached him, she tripped over an uneven sidewalk. Quickly he caught her and scooped her up. She wrapped her arms around him and rubbed her face across his neck. "I thought you weren't coming back," she whispered.

The words broke something inside him. Her father had never cared about her, her mother was gone too... Once more he realized that he was her guardian now and that he wasn't giving her the stable life she deserved. He should start to look for a better solution. His niece had already lost so much...

"I always come back," he said, kissing her cheek. "I needed to go away for work. But you had fun with Grandpa, right? And with Sammy?"

Sasha nodded. "Going to Grandpa now?"

"Yep!"

"Will uncle Juan be there too? We were eating an ice cream but then I had to go to auntie Diana." She pouted. "Did he not want to play with me?"

"Of course he wanted to play with you, sweetie," he said quickly, pressing another kiss to her cheek. "There was an emergency and therefore you had to stay with aunt Diana for a while. And now we're going home."

"And Mommy? Will Mommy be there too?" She looked at him with wide eyes. 

"Mommy really wants to come," he said with a trembling voice. "But she is in a special place which is perfect for people who are sick. They don't have to be in a hospital there and she has no pain. But we can only go there when we are very sick too."

She nodded with an earnest face. "Okay! And uncle Juan, will he come? Sammy says you like each other very much and I like you two also a lot!"

With a warm feeling in his chest he carried his niece inside the house. "I will ask him."

Once he put her in the car and sat down behind the wheel, he sent Juice a text. _Hey. How you're feeling? Did you find out anything? If you want you can have dinner with us tonight and stay for the night? _He hesitated. As much as he wanted to be with Juice, he didn't want Juice to ride his bike in his current state. _Or maybe you shouldn't, you need to take it easy. ): I will come and see you once I get the chance? _

Right when he wanted to put his phone away, the screen lit up. 

_I'll fix a ride. Wanna be with you. xx_

Despite the simple words, a blush crept to his cheeks. Even Sammy could see it from the passenger seat, for she gave him a teasing nudge with her shoulder. "You're texting your boyfriend? You want me to drive?"

He pushed her away with his shoulder and smirked. Nevertheless he took the time to type another text before he drove to his father's house. _Great! Then I'll introduce my father to his savior today. ;) _ He texted the address and put his phone away while taking off. 

"You want me to get some food for tonight?" Sammy asked as they entered the house. Raine nodded. He really needed a powernap, he had the feeling his eyes could close shut any moment. 

"Yeah, that'd be nice."

Smiling, she kissed his cheek. "I'll make Dad's favorite. You're gonna introduce Juice to Dad today?"

Raine nodded. 

"So he's coming over for dinner?"

"Yep." The prospect made him smile. He loved to have dinner with his family and his boyfriend without forcing the others to keep a secret. "He's a vegetarian, by the way."

"Noted," she winked. "Now, go to bed. You look like a zombie."

"Thanks sis." Chuckling, he shook his head before going up the stairs. In his old room he turned on the alarm of his phone and fell on his bed. 

He woke up about fifteen minutes before he expected Juice to arrive. Raine washed his face in the bathroom, then he went downstairs where he could already smell dinner. His stomach was rumbling. Sasha was playing with a doll, his father was sitting on the couch, staring absent-minded at his phone. He looked up when Raine sat down next to him. 

"Let me guess. You'll get into trouble if the police gets involved?"

Raine hesitated. That indeed meant a lot of trouble for the club. They wanted to solve this internally and not with help of the cops, who wanted them all behind bars anyway. 

"If you feel more comfortable with that, you should go to the police," he muttered. 

"That's no answer to my question."

Raine shrugged. "To be honest they're not all too happy with me lately anyway. I uh — I'm thinking about leaving the club."

"Oh?" His father looked at him in surprise. "Why?"

Raine dropped his eyes. "I uh — I'm in a relationship for a while now. They don't really approve of it."

His father snorted. "So? What's that to them?"

Raine bit the inside of his cheek. "He's in another club."

A deadly silence fell. Skittishly, he looked up. 

His father stared at him in shock. "You — you're in a relationship with a man?"

Disbelief dripped of his voice, defeat filled his eyes. 

Raine had the feeling the temperature in the room dropped ten degrees. "Yeah," he muttered. 

His father turned his head away, looking devastated. 

Raine took a deep breath. Not for a moment he had expected his father to have a problem with it. He thought he'd be happy for him, whether he loved a girl or a guy. Suddenly he felt very small, as if he couldn't even escape condemnation in his family home. 


	36. As Long As We're Together

Before anything else could be said about the fact that Raine was with a man, the doorbell rang. Raine had the feeling the ground was about to disappear. He had no idea how to deal with the disappointment he was feeling and he sure as hell didn't know how to communicate his father's opinion to his boyfriend. Juice came from a broken family, with a father who left him when Juice was only a toddler and a mother who found more comfort in the wine instead of her children. He neither would have a mother-in-law — Raine had hoped that his father would give him a warm welcome. 

But he wouldn't. 

Apparently, Juice had the wrong genitals. 

"I guess we're going somewhere else then," Raine muttered before heading to the hallway. He tried to pull himself together before he reached the front door, and at the same time he tried to come up with an excuse why they would go out. Once his hand touched the door knob, he failed in both. 

Raine swung the door open. Juice was bouncing on his toes, clearly nervous to meet his dad. Raine looked into these warm brown eyes, which were always sparkling when they were watching him. 

For a moment Raine's attention was drawn to the rumbling of bike a few steps ahead. The man waved at them and took off. Panthom. Again, that unsettling feeling was back, but he pushed it away stubbornly. "Who would have thought, one of my brothers who gave you a ride voluntarily. Or did you have to pay him?"

"He wanted me to pay in kind," Juice chuckled. 

Raine had never considered himself as the possessive type, but right now he really wanted to put a ring on Juice's finger to show everyone that his boyfriend was _off limits. _

Juice's arms glided around him and he kissed him softly. "Am I sensing _jealousy_ now?" he teased. 

"Maybe you are," he grumbled. "The idea that you sat so close to him on that bike..."

Juice started to laugh and kissed the tip of his nose. "You're such a pretty little thing, huh? You rather want 'em to come for me with baseball bats?"

A blush crept to his cheeks. "No, of course not," he muttered ashamed. He sighed. "Sorry. It's just..."

Juice cut him off with a kiss. "Well — I'm happy I didn't know that there was such a handsome gay guy in your own club." He winked.

"W-what? He likes men?"

"Apparently. He told me he didn't dare to come out until you came out last night. But he didn't mind to come out to his hacker soulmate."

"His _what_?"

Juice laughed. "I guess I'm just a Mayan magnet."

Raine snorted, although it was hard to really feel wronged when seeing Juice's teasing grin. The heavy feeling in his chest slipped away. "Well, as long you leave it to a handshake..."

"A squeezing hug." Juice laid his hands on Raine's hips, his auricle tingled as he whispered: "Everything else I save for you. For tonight."

Raine's hands slipped to Juice's back pockets, he hooked his thumbs behind the fabric. "I don't think so." He caught Juice's lips in a hot kiss before he continued: "That mangled body of yours gets strict bed rest. I however... When I was in Santo Padre, I had plenty of time to fantasize about..."

"Puppies!" Juice said all of a sudden. 

He stared at this boyfriend. "What?"

With his eyes, Juice signaled past Raine and he looked over his shoulder. His cheeks flushed when Sasha hopped towards them, waving happily at Juice and calling out his real name. 

"Yeah... I fantasized about puppies," he murmured. 

Juice chuckled quietly and let go of him to scoop up the girl, who stared with wide eyes at his bruised face. Very carefully, she touched the bruises. Behind him, the door to the living door cracked. Expecting to see his sister, Raine looked over his shoulder. It was his father. 

"Go help Sammy in the kitchen, Sas. So I can talk to uncle Raine for a bit."

The girl squirmed out of Juice's arms and ran back inside. His father closed the door behind him. The tension increased with every step he took. He wasn't going to send Juice away, was he? He glanced at his boyfriend, who also looked nervous now. 

"I'm happy to see that you're all right, sir," Juice said. His eyes met Raine's as if he was looking for his approval. Raine took his hand and stepped aside so Juice was standing next to him. 

"Thanks," his father spoke quietly. He took a deep breath, as if he was about to say something he found really hard but inevitable. "Son..." He looked him square in the eye. "I was indeed startled when you told me you are in a... relationship with a man."

Right. Again, it felt like a slap in the face. "We really have to do his now?"

Even when he hadn't held Juice's hand, he would have known how terribly uncomfortable he felt. 

"Yes. I'm afraid you misinterpreted my words. Your boyfriend is absolutely welcome." He offered Juice a smile. "He really is," he told Raine. "But I was just... overwhelmed by the news. I didn't know you liked men." He hesitated, seemed to feel very uncomfortable. Nevertheless, he felt the urge to explain himself. "I had the feeling I had failed as a father. Because I never realized you were struggling with your sexuality, and because I failed to show you that you can confide in me. That's... That's why I responded like I did. Not because I'm disappointed in your partner choice. As I understand, there are more than enough people who have trouble with that."

His words took a load off Raine's shoulders and he even felt a bit ashamed. _He_ was the one who had judged too quickly. His father was already struggling with the feeling that he had failed to protect his daughter and wife; believing that his son had kept something so important from him, must hurt.

"I just found out myself, dad. It's not like I've been closeted for years and feeling unhappy. Juice and I just fell in love and we were both surprised by it. That's all."

"Oh." This time relief flashed across his father's face. "I'm happy to hear that." He gave Juice an apologetic look. "Sorry. I never meant to make you feel unwelcome. I'm happy you two found each other." He held out his hand. "Elijah."

"Juan Carlos," Juice answered. Raine lifted the corner of his mouth — he'd never heard Juice introduce himself like this. When they started dating he had asked him his real name, but that was the only time he'd heard him use it. "But everyone calls me Juice. Except for Sasha. We were afraid that she would slip up."

"Because you're in a different, club, right?" his father said. "I see. But they all know it now, don't they?"

Juice nodded. 

Raine pulled Juice over the threshold so he could close the door. "He's the one who found you, Dad. They even tortured him."

Juice nudged his shoulder. "That's not w-"

"Let me tell my own version of the story," Raine said laughing, kissing his cheek. "I can finally brag about my boyfriend."

* * *

Juice breathed rapidly. The amazing feeling Raine had unleashed with his mouth, slowly drifted away. Raine laid down on his side next to him, a triumphant smirk on his face. Carefully he caressed Juice's stomach, avoiding the bruises. With his other hand he supported his head while looking down on Juice. Still recovering from the heat explosion, Juice raised his hand and brushed Raine's lips. Raine pressed small kisses to his thumb, now and then softly sucking it without taking his eyes off Juice's. Even that looked so hot it drove him mad with desire. 

"I want you," he whispered. "_All _of you. And I want to give you _all of me._"

Raine moved his body closer and Juice rolled on his side, so his boyfriend could snuggle up to him. Their faces towards each other, they were sharing the pillow, their bodies pressed together. 

"Already thought so when you told me you wanted to marry me," Raine teased. "Although I took you for the romantic type who'd want to wait until our wedding night."

A blush crept to his cheeks. It indeed would make the moment even more special. 

"Well — I already lost my virginity when I was 14," he muttered. 

Raine shrugged his shoulders. "But not like _that_, right?"

His blush became worse. "No," he muttered. 

"Everything about our relationship is different than my prior relationships or all the loose contacts between them. I don't mind to wait a little longer. You're still nervous."

For a while, Juice stared into Raine's eyes. The love he saw in them, still made him shy. Often, he believed he didn't deserve that love. He had never paid much respect to someone else's body; he had taken what he wanted without ever feeling attached to someone. 

"Do you think waiting makes it more special?" he wondered. 

"Maybe," he muttered. "My mother thought it was important," he elaborated. "Saving yourself for the one. I didn't care, but now I like the thought."

On the one hand it sounded ridiculous. Obsolete. On the other hand, he did think it was romantic; to give themselves completely to each other at the same day they became one for the law. That it was Raine's way of feeling his mother's blessing was understandable too. 

"Okay," he said. He gave him a little Eskimo kiss. "Let's wait till our wedding night." He chuckled softly. Although that still sounded like a fairy tale, like something that would never actually happen. The look on his face became more serious. "You really think they'll let us marry?"

Raine shrugged. "We don't need their blessing." His hand wandered across Juice's side and settled on his hip. "I seriously consider to quit. I always found it hard that our clubs want to keep us separated, but now the club is also the reason that my dad was in danger... I have a two year old I gotta take care of. And a little sister who already lost half of her family. It's just... I can't stop _now_ for they will believe it's only because of you. They're still mad," he muttered. "The storm has to pass first, if not they might want to take revenge."

Juice studied his lover's face. "If you quit, I quit too."

"You don't have to," Raine said. "When I'm no longer a Mayan, they have no reason not to trust you."

"You will always have ties to the Mayans. I don't think they'll ever completely trust me."

It sounded more resentful than he'd meant to. It felt wrong, for his brothers had responded very lightly to their affair. He however knew they were holding back; they wouldn't let him get away with it this easily. Raine's brothers had reacted quite explosively — but he knew that within his own club, the worst was yet to come.

"They weren't mad, right?" Raine asked. 

"They will be. They had other priorities now. They may keep their anger to themselves, but if they do, it will show itself in a different way. They will try to take advantage of me. They'll try to use my connection to you."

Raine bent his head and kissed his shoulder before looking up again. "Maybe today's collaboration will show a different outcome. We could be allies, you know? We still don't know who's behind the kidnappings, we're not done yet."

That was true. Maybe, he was too pessimistic. 

It was better to live from day to day. Today, they brought back Mary and Elijah. They showed their love to the world, Juice had met his future father-in-law. 

It had been a good day and when he looked into his boyfriend's brown eyes, he knew many more good days were to follow. As long as they were together. 

Leaning towards Raine, his gave him an lazy kiss. 

In the back of his head, he started to gather ideas to propose to his lover. 


	37. Author's Note

Dear readers,

Since I have twenty (!) unfinished stories which I still try to update, I have decided to focus on two stories at the same time and finish them one by one – which means multiple chapters a week. I've decided to let my readers decide what stories I'm going to finish first, so please leave a comment on this chapter if you want me to work on this one. I will finish all my stories, but it might take a long while before I return to the ones there aren't much people interested in. 

For the amazing readers who read multiple of my works, sorry for the spam!

(I know many readers aren’t comfortable with commenting, so leaving a (-) or something does the job too. ;D)


	38. Collateral Damage

Juice's bottom lip felt raw because he kept gnawing on it while he awaited how the conversation developed. Although he wished he could have stayed at Raine's place for more than one night, he knew he couldn't. His brothers had questions. Questions he had to answer. 

And so, he had called a cab this morning which had taken him to the clubhouse. First they discussed the events of the day before. Opie told them his mother didn't know much about the men who had taken her; she had gotten into the car voluntarily when her abductors threatened to pick up her grandchildren from school to burn them alive. 

Whoever they were — they were a bunch of insane people. 

But very well organized people, for they still lacked information. 

Interrogating the hotel's personnel hadn't given them a lead, nor did the records. They were still playing catch-up, they didn't even have a _theory_ of what exactly was going on.

It didn't take long before the subject was ended, creating a tense atmosphere. Juice could feel their burning glares and he didn't know where to look. Did they expect him to say something? To offer his apologies? To tell them he was going to break up with Raine? 

In the end it was Jax who leaned forward, his arms resting on the table. "What do you expect from us now, Juice?"

Restlessly, he toyed with the silver skull on his thumb. He hadn't prepared himself for a question like this. More than anything, he had expected them to criticize him. 

"I don't know," he muttered. "It took me months to accept my feelings for him. I get it if you are... in shock."

"In shock?" Piney sneered. "Well, that is a hell of an understatement. This is treason of the worst kind."

Juice gritted his teeth. He knew Piney clung to old values. He was one of the founders of the club, he was famous for his racist comments — which always made Juice feel uncomfortable because of his own origins — and apart from that, there was a lot of old grudge. He had probably seen brothers die by the hand of Mayans, just like the man who had put a gun to Juice's head yesterday. Nevertheless, he had gotten his ex wife back because of Raine and him, so he had hoped for a little bit more understanding. 

"I didn't betray anyone," Juice muttered. 

"You didn't answer my question, Juice. What do you expect from us?"

"That you're not going to hunt him down." Hesitating, he looked around before casting his glance down again. "That you give me the liberty of choosing my own partner."

Another grim silence fell. He could hear their thoughts; nobody wanted to give him that freedom but they neither wanted to be the first one saying that out loud.

"How do you picture this, Juice?" Jax asked after a while. "What if you are turned against each other one day? It wouldn't be the first time that our clubs are involved in a shooting. You won't shoot at him and you'll put us all in danger."

"He won't shoot at me either."

Clay snickered in disbelief. Tilting back his head, he stared at the ceiling. "This is fucking ridiculous. Why are we even discussing this?" He turned his gaze back to his men. "I don't want a Mayan sucker at my table. It's simple as that. If you need a cock to suck, you can take mine."

The idea alone made him shudder. Heat ascended to his cheeks and he no longer dared to look at his president. His brothers chuckled, but Juice found it a gross insult. As if _that_ was the only reason he was with Raine.

"What if I'm no longer involved in matters concerning the Mayans?" he suggested. "The past years it hasn't been much of an issue anyway." Hopeful, he looked up. It was Chibs who he was looking at, at who he was pinning his hope. He had known about their relationship for a while, he had kept their secret to himself. 

Bobby scratched his beard. Opie lit a smoke. Nobody said anything, but their faces told him they thought about his suggestion. 

Suddenly, it landed. They no longer trusted him. It stung, fierce like the blow of a hammer. 

"Raine and I have been friends for months. We _never_ talk about our clubs."

"You told him about Mary," Clay reminded him. "You should have discussed it with us first."

He was right. It had been an impulsive move; he had barely been able to think because of the pain. All he had wanted, was help. 

"You're right. But there was not a chance I was damaging the club."

Jax sighed. "You know what the problem is, Juice? We all know how loose your lips are after a few glasses of beer. I'm sure your boyfriend knows that too. It might be sunshine and rainbows now, but there will be a time when things won't be all rosy. And he might... take advantage of you."

"Isn't that a risk we all take?" he asked, feeling annoyed. "Some of you are blind drunk every night, and you all take random chicks to your room."

"It's not the same," Jax said. 

Juice snorted. He thought it was bullshit. He trusted Raine with his life and he knew Raine did so too. They even had shown it to their clubs, the both of them. 

"Raine wants to leave his club," he said. "Now his sister is gone, he has to care for a two year old girl. A month ago he got a bullet in the stomach, yesterday his father was kidnapped... He wants a safer life. Soon, he won't be a Mayan anymore."

The men exchanged looks. 

"I think he just tells you what you wanna hear, Juicy," Clay sighed. 

No. It was nothing like that. 

But who would understand? Clay and Opie were the only ones in a serious relationship, all the others had kids and ex wives who they never saw. What was the cause of all these divorces? A lack of trust? Adultery? 

"Well if you believe you can't trust me anymore, I probably should take a step back as well."

"Would you give up the club?" Clay sneered. "For a Mayan?"

There it was. The question he had feared from the beginning. He began to toy with his ring again. "Raine is more than a Mayan," he answered. "He's my best friend. My partner. I would walk through fire for him." He dropped his eyes. "I don't want to give up on him. The club is important to me, you're like family... But if you can't accept me for who I am and for who I love..." His shoulders tensed. "Then you might not be the family I thought you were."

Another heavy silence fell. Juice's heart was hammering in his chest.

Across from him, Chibs heaved a sigh. He rubbed his face. "Juicy is right. If this is the path he wants to follow... We should let him leave."

The truth was out. It was impossible to be a Son _and_ have a relationship with Raine. He had known this the whole time, but there was still a bitter taste in his mouth. He knew he was disappointing everyone in the room and doubt started to grow. 

Would Raine really make the the same decision? Or had it been his emotions speaking yesterday, would he change his mind now he thought about it with a clear mind? 

"You can't just leave," Jax said. "You have certain responsibilities. We rely on you for our tech shit. You won't leave before you've trained someone who can take over your tasks. We know shit about computers."

It would take a year before a prospect could patch in, which meant that he would have to stick around for another year too. At the one hand he liked the thought that he could phase out and that he didn't have to give everything up in once. At the other, he knew he would feel like some third-rate club member from now on. 

"From now on, we'll keep you in the dark about matters involving the Mayans."

Juice nodded slowly. He had no choice. And if anything, he was relieved that nobody forbade him to see Raine during the following months. They were probably hoping that Raine and he would lose interest in each other soon; it would definitely be a surprise when they heard that they wanted to marry. It hurt to think that no one of his surrogate family would want to attend his wedding, except for Chibs maybe. 

"Okay. I'll find a hacker and train him and I will not mingle in matters involving the Mayans, or whatever other stuff you don't trust me with."

He didn't care, he didn't feel the need to attend every meeting, especially not when they were discussing long term matters that weren't going to affect his life anyway. This was the right decision — and yet, a year sounded terribly long. He could already feel their gazes burning on his skin. They weren't happy with him and they neither understood him. But at least they didn't force him to break up with his boyfriend. 

Right now, he could only hope that Raine could step away from his club just as easily. And that he had spoken the truth yesterday and really wanted to quit.

Before the meeting came to an end, someone pounded at the door. Half Sack — the prospect — popped his head around the corner. 

"Uh..." Nervously, the boy ran a hand through his blond hair. One only interrupted a meeting when there was an emergency. "There's a fancy car at the parking lot with two fancy guys in it. They're here for business, they said."

* * *

It were two tall men dressed in expensive suits who were led through the clubhouse and towards the Chapel. The conversation they had requested would only been held with Clay and Jax — the president and VP. In other circumstances, their Sergeant-at-Arms would only join the conversation, but Tig was still in rehab after crashing into that tree a month ago. 

Juice told the prospect to get him a beer and sat down on the couch. He groaned. His body still hurt like hell and he wished he could have taken it easy today. But going slow in this world — yeah, that was never going to happen. He thought about the men who had entered the clubhouse. Had they something to do with the kidnapping? Would they finally get some answers? After being in the dark for so long, it was hard to believe that their answers had simply strolled into the clubhouse.

Nevertheless, there hung a tense silence in the clubhouse that even the loud rock music couldn't drown out. The two men had had a certain vibe, an arrogance, something untouchable, which had given him a bitter tastte. In silence, he waited, while their conversation from a few minutes ago buzzed through his head. Things could have been worse, he told himself. They could have hurt him. Could have hurt Raine. But they gave him the freedom to patch out, to follow his heart. All he had to do was finding a successor. He had no idea where to find another hacker, but at least he could see a real future with his boyfriend where they were no longer tied to their clubs.

At the thought of a shared future, he dreamed away. Literally — he woke up with a start when Chibs shook his shoulder. 

"Chapel," he said. 

A resumption of the meeting. Juice rubbed his face. "Can I be there?"  
  
Chibs gave him a pointed look. "You're still wearin' a kutte."

Juice got up and followed Chibs back to Chapel. He sat down at the large wooden table with the carved reaper in the middle. Their club symbol. The men were gone. there was a frosty tension in the air. Was it because of him? 

"We got an offer," Clay started. 

Jax snorted and looked the other way. 

"Those gentlemen claim to work for a man called Cain. A new player regarding lucrative businesses. They told us they've tested us the past weeks to see how we handle stress and based on that, they've made an offer. They want us to distribute their weapons." He looked around, but he raised his voice before someone could intervene. "And not just weapons, I'm talking about a new branche within the weapon industry. Sonic weapons."

Weapons which forced you on the knees by _a sound. _He felt a pang in the chest when he imagined how they all fell on the ground, pressing their hands against their ears while blood seeped from between their fingers. Weapons like these... They existed in games. In movies. Not... In the real world. Juice obviously knew the military were doing research in this field, but it was a shock to see them already on the black market.

"We're talking about guns, grenades, mines and canons," Clay continued. "And _no one else_ is selling them in the US right now — while there is quiet a market. It's a gold mine."

"Made possible by someone who drove two of our guys off the road," Jax snapped. 

Clay shrugged. "Who wouldn't give a vertebrae for few million dollars?"

Easy thing to say when Tig wasn't around...

"So it was a test?" Opie said, raising his eyebrows. "My mother has been gone for days and it was all to _test us_?"

"A test we've passed," Clay answered indifferently. "Let's not get carried away by our emotions, we should focus on this chance. Our resilience is tested and we've passed. That's what matters."

Juice thought of his boyfriend, of his pale face when he had been in the hospital bed. He had almost died because of this 'test'. Two of his brothers could have been killed because of that stupid test. And Clay dismissed it as collateral damage. Something that could be settled with money. 

It made him feel sick. 

But wasn't that how they always justified their doings? Whether they were dealing drugs or guns, whether people were gunned down or not? 

"They might make the same offer to the Mayans," Bobby objected. 

"So we'll have to come with a better offer. The gun trade is ours while they have the drug trade. We have easier access to clients that are interested in their products."

"And yet, they also kidnapped someone with ties to the Mayans. To test them too."

"They did. They might have tested multiple clubs, gangs or organizations. We have to offer openness concerning our network and come with a good prize. We have to show them our trust."

"We don't even know for sure if they really have those weapons," Happy huffed. "I've never seen one. For all we know, we might show them our contacts while we only get toy guns in return."

"That's something to keep in mind. But don't forget about this: if we don't do business with them, our rivals will and they will have their own sonic guns. Rather us than them, hmm?"

Juice wasn't sure. He thought it was rather stupid to trust the people who ran them off the road and kidnapped parents — crimes they let them get away with. Maybe this was still a test to see what was stronger; their honor or their hunger for money. 

"They gave us three days to think about their offer," Clay said. "So let's vote within two days. And Juice..."

Juice snapped up his head. 

"Use that loverboy of yours to figure out what the Mayans are planning to do."

"What?" he blew up a this president. "We don't talk about our clubs!"

"Now you do," Clay answered bluntly. "At the moment you're still a Son and may the devil help you when you don't follow my orders. Find out if the Mayans are considering to take their offer and how much money they will ask."

Juice gritted his teeth. "He's never going to tell me that, just like I will never tell him what we've decided!"

"Damn it, Juice!" his president snapped. "We're talking about big money! This is much more important than your gross escapades. You're going to make that asshole talk or _I _will make him talk — and I will cut out his tongue once we're done talking! You got that?!" 

His voice thundered through the room. 

Juice flinched. 

Nobody spoke up for him. They all considered it as as collateral damage when his relationship with Raine was flushed down the drain. Hell — that was even where they were hoping for! 


	39. Loyalty

Nervously, Juice twisted the skull on his thumb. The past ten minutes he had walked to the window five times to see if Raine was coming. This felt wrong. So wrong. Inviting Raine over because his club wanted information from him. Since Clay had given him this task yesterday, it had been the only thing on his mind. He had no idea how to get this done, but the last thing he wanted was Raine being violently interrogated by his brothers. Perhaps Raine could think of a solution, an answer with which his club wouldn't feel betrayed. Or maybe, he would become furious when he found out that Juice had agreed with this plan. 

As the doorbell finally rung, his heart was racing in his chest. How could he think the worst was over now their clubs knew about them? He had the feeling that it was only starting now; only _now_, their love was tested. His insides seemed to slosh through his body as he reached the front door and opened it. Hoping that Raine's smile would melt away his insecurities, he looked up to his boyfriend. He wasn't smiling. His face was pale and there was no spark in his eyes. Even though he had seen him yesterday, it felt like weeks had passed. 

Raine didn't look at him as he walked past him. Juice closed the door behind him and grabbed his hand before he could walk to the living room. With an empty look in his eyes, Raine looked over his shoulder. A terrible feeling came over him. His glance reminded him of the days after his sister's passing. 

Juice pulled his boyfriend in his arms and held him tight, especially when Raine pushed his body against his. Pressing his face against Juice's shoulder, he breathed heavily. Juice laid a soft kiss on his temple. What on Earth had happened to him? Did they kick him out? His response to Juice's invitation had been short, but he hadn't given it a second thought. 

"Hey... What's going on baby?"

"They're a bunch of assholes," he muttered. 

The words ached his heart. Juice didn't pry further, he rubbed soothing circles on Raine's back and ignored the bruises on his own body. For a long time they were just standing there, until Raine's breathing slowed down and his grasp became looser. 

After a deep sigh, he let go of Juice. "Sorry for this dramatic entrance. Today was just really shitty."

As Raine pulled back his arms, Juice noticed the bandage on his left forearm. He decided not to mention it yet and led Raine to the kitchen where he poured them a drink. 

"Have you eaten already?" Juice asked. 

It was 8.30. He himself had grabbed a quick bite a while ago. 

"I wasn't hungry," Raine muttered, slamming the drink. 

"You gotta eat something," Juice said, keeping to himself how terrible he looked. "I'll make you some burgers."

Raine offered him a tired smile to show his gratitude before sitting down on the couch. Juice watched him worried while he took rolls from the fridge and put the burgers in the frying pan. 

* * *

Raine didn't say much the whole evening. Juice didn't even dare to bring up Clay's words. The silence between them was anything but comfortable. Usually Raine was very open; Juice never had to try to get him to talk and that why he wasn't sure if he should push for it. The consequence of not knowing however was that he was getting all kinds of horrible ideas. Countless scenarios played his mind and he couldn't stop his brain unless he did something about it. Snuggling up to his lover on the couch, he took Raine's hand. With his thumb, he traced the edge of the bandage.   
  
"You want to tell me what happened?"

Raine's jaw clenched. "Go see for yourself," he grumbled. 

Confused, Juice searched for his eyes. These were dark. Cold. 

Carefully, Juice unwound the bandage until a fierce wound was revealed. It looked shiny because of the salve and a pungent smell came from it. Was it... His eyes shot to Raine's. "Did they... _brand_ you?"

As Raine looked away, Juice caught a glimpse of tears on the edges of his eyes. 

"I — I don't get it," Juice stammered. Why would they do that? "Did they — kick you out? They burn away our club tattoos... is this what your club does?" He tasted bile. 

"It's a warning," Raine said. 

Juice stared at the burn mark with the seize of a ping pong ball on the inside of Raine's arm, right below his wrist. It was an elongated cirkel with three curl-like symbols beneath it. In the middle of the oval he thought to distinguish the head of an animal — a dog?

He gave Raine a questioning look. 

"It's a Mayan glyph. A dog — it symbolizes loyalty. A reminder of my loyalty to the club. Apparently, I need it." He sounded bitter. "_El Perro. _The dog. That's my nickname now. I can be seen as a loyal companion — or as a stray dog. Which one kills when it's vicious. And now, I have to prove which of those two I am. The lap dog or the stray dog."

Juice had no idea what to say. Shame was burning in his gut at the thought that he'd asked Raine to come here so he could try to get information from him. He didn't even dare to look at his boyfriend anymore. Quietly, he covered the wound. 

"I told my brothers I want out," Juice said in the end. "I gotta stay for one more year to train a tech guy, then I can leave."

He bit his cheek. Was it was wise to tell him this? Wasn't it cruel, after how the Mayans had treated Raine? An apology burnt on his lips. Skittishly he looked up to his friend, not knowing what to say. 

A small smile was tugging at Raine's lips. "I'm happy to hear that your brothers aren't assholes like mine."

"I thought the same hing," Juice muttered. He sighed. They may not have harmed him physically and he didn't wear a memory of so-called disloyalty for the rest of his life, but his president _did_ threaten his boyfriend. "Until my president decided that it was a nice way to pressure me. He wants me to use our relationship to get intel. About some deal. I obviously said I wasn't going to do that, but then he said he would make you talk himself if I didn't listen — and that you wouldn't be able to talk after that anymore."

Bending his head, he stared at his knees. The thought that he had really _considered_ to obey his President made him feel sick. Clay had been threatening Raine, but if Juice really got him to talk, he would be dead. By the hand of his own club."

Hollow laughter rolled over Raine's lips. "What a prick. Bet you gonna hear that many more times." The lines on his face became harsh. "But fine. Take me to him."

Juice stared at him. "W-what?"

He was kidding, right? Did he really plan to just walk into his rival's clubhouse? 

"What do you think he's gonna do? Beat me to death? That president of yours ain't risking a gang war over me."

"Well he obviously isn't going to hug you," Juice mumbled. 

Raine shrugged and got up from the couch. "I don't care if he's your president — even if he was the president of the United States; I won't allow him to use our relationship to pressure you."

Juice sucked at his bottom lip. The protectiveness that radiated from him filled him with warmth, but at the same time he was afraid that he would only make the situation ten times worse. As much as he loved Raine, he couldn't see himself walking into a clubhouse full of Mayans just to tell Marcus Alvarez how he thought about certain things. Not even now Raine was having a fucking burn mark on his arm. Was he a coward in Raine's eyes? 

If he could, he would leave, together with Raine. Just move to another state or country. But they couldn't; Raine's family would have to leave too, if not they were in danger. Sammy and Elijah however had their own lives — and Juice didn't want to leave Mouse behind either. And what would that kind of life look like? They would always be on he run, they would always have to look over their shoulder. He didn't want that.

But having to hear threats like this, time and again — he neither wanted that. He didn't trust himself; perhaps one day, he would give in, if only because he was trying so hard to protect his boyfriend that he wasn't thinking clearly anymore. 

Juice got up too. "I don't know Raine..."

Raine stood across from him, looking him straight in the eye. "I'm your boyfriend, Juice. I protect you and you protect me. Next time Clay wants to know something, he's going to ask me and he's going to leave you out of it." He leaned his forehead against Juice's. "I won't let our clubs turn us against each other. I won't. You and me — we're a team. And one way or the other, they're going to learn that."

Juice closed his eyes for a moment. A team. 

The word sounded so unfamiliar to him. His whole life he was trying to fit in, to become part of something bigger. Cupping Raine's face with both his hands, he looked deep into his eyes. "I love you so much it's insane," Juice whispered. Something vibrated in his chest, he closed his eyes again and kissed him passionately. The love between them — it kept surprising him.

"I love you too, baby," Raine said after an intense kiss. "I love you too. And neither Son nor Mayan is ever going to change that."

Taking Juice's hand, he led him to the hallway. "It's time to have a serious conversation with that president of yours." Raine winked at him. 

It gave Juice a little bit of courage. A little bit — for deep inside, a fear was growing with every step they took. Taking a Mayan to the clubhouse right now; he couldn't think of something more stupid to do. 

And yet, that was exactly what they were going to do.


	40. Worth It

Raine decided to park his Harley away from the others. He wasn't sure if he was afraid that they would take it as a sign of disrespect or that he felt the need for a distinction from them himself. He waited until Juice had climbed off his bike before Raine did the same and headed to the clubhouse. 

Juice didn't say a word. Raine could feel how much he hated being here now, but Raine believed this needed to happen. This shit needed to end before it even started. He opened the front door and was met by smoke and loud music. Young guys — hang-arounds who hoped to be part of the club one day — were gathered around the pool tables. The Sons were divided in two groups; some of them were sitting at the bar and others talking at the couches, each of them with a chick on their lap. 

Conversations fell silent as they saw who entered the clubhouse. Juice went to walk beside him. His shoulders back, although Raine knew he was feigning confidence. He felt the urge to stroke his back as a sign of support, but he didn't do it. He rather let his boyfriend believe that he was looking confident and that Raine was drawing strength from him. 

Raine's eyes shot through the room until they found the president. He was sitting on the couch, raising his eyebrows as he saw them. Raine looked him briefly in the eye. Without slowing down, he headed to the sitting area. The bald man sitting next to him sat up straight and his shoulders tensed. 

There was a stab in his stomach as he recognized the man; it was the guy who had shot him. The tattooed snake on his scalp seemed to smirk at him. With his dark eyes the Son stared at him, as if he wanted to judge how much of a risk Raine was to his president. Even though his eyes didn't leave Raine's face, he didn't speak a word. 

Raine tore his glance away from the man and turned to the grey-haired president. "I heard you had some questions for me."

The man clenched his jaw and gave Juice an accusing stare. "What's he doing here? When I told you to suck _my _dick when you needed one, it wasn't an offer to that plaything of yours."

Anger flared up. That asshole had said _what_ to Juice? Clenching his fists, he took a step forward to lash out. Juice however grabbed his arm. As he looked over his shoulder, his brown eyes begged him to tone it down. Raine gritted his teeth. It wasn't in his nature to tolerate insults like this, but his boyfriend was right. They needed to rise above this. That asshole was only trying to hit a sore spot. 

"I like 'em a bit tanner," he mockingly said, "and not as wrinkled as a prune. Anyway, if you're done with your infantile humor, I rather hear what you wanted Juice to pry out of me."

With a cold look in his eyes, Clay stared at him before he turned to Juice. "Seriously? Gathering intel is your _job_ as Intelligence Officer and you do it in such an obvious way that your boyfriend comes here to complain?"

Raine believed his own president had treated him harshly, but there was something about Clay's attitude that appalled him even more. Alvarez had punished him, but that was over now. But Clay... He had a feeling he would keep looking for ways to punish Juice, but in such a sneaky way that no one would consider it a punishment. In one movement, Raine tore the bandages off his arm and showed the Son the mark. "This is how happy my brothers are with my relationship with Juice," he said. The skin was glowing, with a little bit of imagination he could still smell his burnt flesh. "A reminder to my loyalty to them. If I ever betray them, they will melt _all_ my flesh of my bones." He stared into the older man's pale eyes. "I don't know if you have a wife but I assume you don't want her to be filleted, just like Juice doesn't want such a fate for me. If you got questions you can ask them. Juice and I don't talk about our clubs."

Clay didn't say anything. He didn't even look at him; instead he stared at Juice who shuffled his feet awkwardly. This felt like another lack of respect and Raine shook his head in anger. He looked around, searching for the blond VP. He looked much more reasonable. The man stood a few steps away from them, his arms crossed in front of his chest. Yet, he nodded slightly. At least he _did_ acknowledge Raine's presence.

"Clay wants to know what decision the Mayans will make."

The fact dat he only mentioned Clay's name, showed Raine that Jax was neither supportive of Clay's action. It made him relax a little. About what decision were they talking? Should he play along to figure out what was going on? No, he decided to be honest.

"I have no idea what kind of decision you mean. Like I just told you: my brothers don't trust me anymore. You really think they tell me something that could end up at your table? If you want to know what decision my club makes, I suggest you call Alvarez. Openness provides answers." With squinted eyes, he looked at Clay. "Sneakiness doesn't."

The man snorted in contempt. Nevertheless, he seemed to be unable to come with a reply. Raine wasn't in the mood to stay longer. He had his say. He doubted it would keep Clay from pulling this another time, but hopefully he realized that the Mayans would keep Raine in dark about matters in which the Sons were involved. 

Juice's fingers laced with his. He might have been silent the whole time, but this gesture was even so a statement. No Son or Mayan would ever come between them. Turning his head aside, he looked his boyfriend in the eye and squeezed his hand. 

"Yeah, let's go."

They'd lost enough time due to club bullshit. There was always something shortening their time. Hand in hand, they left the clubhouse. Juice's gaze was beaten down, although he was holding Raine's hand firmly. It wasn't easy. They did have each other, but most of their time they were standing all by themselves in their clubs. Choosing each other, meant choosing against the others. So much was clear. Raine had never regretted their relationship, but fun was different. They felt displaced in a place that used to mean everything to them. They both had the feeling they no longer belonged in their clubs and yet they couldn't simply detach themselves from their old lives.

Raine grabbed the handlebars and swung his leg over his Harley. After climbing on the back, Juice placed his hands on his hips. Raine looked over his shoulder, leaning back until his back leaned against Juice's chest and he gave him a long, slow kiss. After the kiss, he searched for his eyes and offered him a smile. His hand glided across the side of Juice's leg and he squeezed his knee. Letting go of him, Raine put on his helmet as Juice wrapped his arms tighter around him. 

Raine didn't return to Juice's home. He enjoyed the embrace of his boyfriend too much and he had the feeling that a ride would help them both to give their sorrows to the wind. It didn't take long before he left Charming behind and pulled up on the highway. Juice had never been on the back of his bike and although the reason for it was painful — assault by _his_ brothers — sitting so close created an intimacy they both craved for. It felt as if the adrenaline that was rushing through their veins flew together, making their hearts beat as one.

Yet, he stuck to a short ride, knowing Juice's body needed to relax. Turning into a small road, he rode up the hill until there was a beautiful view. Juice groaned as he slipped off the bike. Guilt pooled in his stomach; had he driven too far? As he turned toward his friend, Juice quickly forced a smile on his lips that made him look exhausted. 

Locking his bike, Raine put the key in his pocket. "You feel stiff?" he asked. "You wanna go for a walk or sit?"

"Walk," Juice muttered. "Feel like I've been sitting all day."

"Okay."

With laced fingers they walked up the hill at a leisurely pace. The wind rustled through the trees and far behind them sounded the roar of traffic, but apart from that it was silent around hem. Raine realized they had never taken a walk before. They knew each other for months and yet they had barely done things together. It felt like they were only dealing with club shit. He thought back to the festival they had gone to a few weeks ago, on the day that they had decided to give their love a chance. Raine had liked it — and yet, their life was so hectic they hadn't done it more often. He was going to change that. Soon, they would go out and do something nice. Juice and him together, and with Juice and Sasha as a family. 

"What's on your mind?" Juice asked quietly. "That deal?"

The deal Jax mentioned. If both clubs had to make a deal with a third party, it was obviously the organization who was behind the kidnappings. He didn't give a shit about a deal. All he wanted, was leaving this life behind without his loved ones getting hurt.

"No," he answered. "The club is wasting more than enough of my time." He brushed his thumb across Juice's. "I thought of something nice. You'll find out soon enough." Leaning towards Juice, he kissed his jaw. 

A smile crossed his face. The sight of it awoke a swarm of butterflies in his stomach and he stood still, turned towards his boyfriend and softly pressed his lips against Juice's. Shutting his eyes, he surrendered to a kiss that made him forget about everything. He tasted and felt nothing but love; a love healing wounds that had been caused by that same love. 

It was worth it. Every tear, every scar, every insult. 

He was all worth it. 


	41. For His Own Good

A few days had passed since they branded him. By now, the pain was gone. The moment he was out of sight of the others, he slipped a leather bracelet over it so he was no longer confronted with his burnt flesh. Juice had given it to him two days ago when he noticed that Raine kept staring at it. The others would go mad if they knew a Son had given him the bracelet but to Raine, it was a sweet gesture. For him, this was a reminder that Juice would always be on his side, no matter how shitty he felt. It had been a rough couple of weeks, but every obstacle made them stronger.

Raine bent over to tie his shoelaces. His working day was over. He had taken a quick shower — the only thing he still used his clubroom for — and he was about to pick up Sasha from daycare. Sammy had college until late and she wouldn't be home before dinner. He would make sure there were leftovers for her.

Just when he was about to get up, the door swung open. The only one who entered his room unannounced was Esai, but their friendship had changed so much he was surprised to really see him.

"You see lover boy tonight?" Esai slipped a hand in his pocket and leaned against the door frame.

Raine didn't answer. He didn't plan to see his boyfriend tonight, but it was none of Esai's business. In silence, he stood up, looked around to see if there was something he wanted to take with him, and grabbed his keys from the desk.

"See you Monday," he muttered.

He wanted to rush past Esai, but the man stepped aside to block the doorway. "Wait."

His voice sounded surprisingly soft. Raine raised his eyebrows.

"You got plans for tonight or not?"

Raine shrugged, giving Esai a compelling look.

"If you don't — maybe we can hang out? You know — like the old times?"

Raine hesitated. Esai actually sounded insecure, which he never was. After their years of friendship, Raine thought it would be easy to read him but it was harder than expected. At a rapid pace, they had grown apart. Deep down he hated the way it worked out. Perhaps it wasn't too late. Maybe the damage could still be repaired.

"Yeah, sure." Raine offered him a small smile.

"Awesome. I'll pick you up after dinner."

* * *

Raine had mixed feelings about it. How would Juice feel about it? It had been Esai's idea to beat the shit out of him. Nevertheless, he felt relieved too; the past days it had felt like had lost so much and this gave him hope that his life could still go back to normal.

He had just put Sasha to bed when the doorbell rang. Sammy was still eating at the kitchen table. A while ago she broke the lease of her apartment because he was so often from home, and he didn't want to contact a babysitter the whole time. Sammy didn't mind, he knew she enjoyed spending time with her niece. It made her feel closer to Rosa. Apart from that, he told her he wanted to leave the club as soon as they would let him, so she knew this was just a temporary solution.

"I'm leaving," Raine said.

She turned her face towards him and smiled. "Have fun."

"Yeah," he said softly. Fun. He indeed hoped they would have fun. A strange sense of nervousness sneaked through his body. This felt like the ultimate test for their friendship. If this whole night would be awkward, it would indeed be over.

There was another ring at the door. Esai had never been the most patient person on earth and if he would let him wait much longer, they would start with a handicap. He pulled open the door. There was indeed annoyance in his eyes, but he said nothing. Whether it was a good sign or not, Raine did not know. They used to tell each other everything.

_And you're the one who stopped doing so._

He felt a stab in his stomach. If the tables were turned, he would have been upset about Esai's secrets too. Would things have gone different if he had told Esai the truth? He swallowed a sigh. There was no point in dwelling on it any longer. There was nothing he could do about it.

"Hey," he said.

Esai nodded to him, a basketball was clutched between his elbow and hip. "Thought we could shoot some hoops?"

Raine nodded, relieved they had something to do. About ten minutes from his house was a basketball court where they'd played a lot as kids. On their way to it, he caught Esai peeking at the bracelet around his wrist. Did he judge him for wearing it?

"I didn't agree," Esai said after a while. "With the brand." He didn't look him in the eye. "But Martinez called you a traitor for taking a Son to the clubhouse."

"Taking him to the clubhouse," Raine huffed. "You _dragged_ him there."

Esai avoided his glance. "You let him stay." He sighed. "Anyway — I just wanted to let you know I had no say in it. I had to stay out of it because you're my best friend."

The words hung heavily between them. _My best friend. _And Raine told him nothing while he _did _tell Angel who was also a Mayan. Yet, it had always been easier to talk to Angel. Esai always distracted him when he needed it, and Angel was the one he had serious conversations with.

"I wanted to tell it," Raine muttered. "When I was in Santo Padre, I gave it a lot of thought. About how to tell y'all. But by the time I was home, it was too late."

Esai kept silent, bouncing the ball now and then. A few times he seemed on the verge of saying something, but in the end, he didn't manage to say anything before they reached the basketball yard. Soon, the attention shifted to the ball game and they didn't stop before it was too dark to see the ball. Contrary to him, Esai had taken a bottle of water with him, which he offered to Raine. Slightly panting, they hoisted themselves on a stone wall. His shirt was sticking to his back. It had been a long time since he had done this and it had done him well. Did Juice like basketball? They'd never talked about sports — except for motorsport.

From the corner of his eye, Raine peeked aside. Esai was remarkably quiet tonight.

"I know you got questions. Just ask 'em."

Esai answered his glance. "I just need time to get used to the idea of you banging a guy."

Raine shrugged. He would eventually. Or not.

"So — have you, uh, had feelings for a guy before?'

"No."

Esai looked at him with somewhat squinted eyes. "Not even for me?"

Raine laughed in disbelief. "What?"

"I'm your best friend. I look good. It's hard to believe that you fell for that idiot but not for me."

Raine studied his face, which was dead serious. "Are you _disappointed _because I haven't fallen in love with you?"

"Fallen in love?" Esai repeated, laughing. "Dude. You talk like you're 13."

Raine felt his cheeks glow, he was glad it was dark. He nudged his shoulder. "Just let me be in love."

In the street light, he saw a glimpse of a smirk. "You're blushin', huh?" Esai started to laugh. "Can't believe it. You're totally over the moon because of a Son."

"Because of Juice," he answered a little agitated. He wanted others to see him as a person too. Juice was so much more than the club he was part of.

"Fine. Juice."

Raine showed his friend a grateful smile.

"So... How did it happen? You found each other on an app for gay bikers?"

Raine rolled his eyes, then he told him about their meeting in the hospital and how they met each other again at the fundraiser. "The connection we had... It's always been on another level than our other friendships, although it took a while before we both understood our feelings. At first, we just wanted to be friends — or that's at least what we told ourselves. But when he was about to date someone else — I couldn't stand it." During his story, he messed with the little buckles of the bracelet Juice had given him. It was downright strange to talk about this with Esai.

"So that Skye girl was just some cover?" Esai huffed. "And _he_ was the one who was at your house? Who was in the shower?"

A vague smile crossed his lips as he thought back to that day. Juice had been so nervous he had _really_ taken a shower. Later that night, they had kissed for the first time. "Yep."

"And that time you ended up in the hospital — you had been with him too?"

Raine nodded slowly.

A silence fell. Then, Esai asked with an annoying grin: "Lemme guess. He's the female?"

"There's nothing female about his body," Raine assured him. He however felt which direction Esai was going and he didn't like it.

"You know what I mean. That's a thing right? The male and female roles? Or do you take turns?"

"What's that to you?" Raine huffed.

"I'm just curious."

"Too bad for you."

It was something between Juice and him, just like their decision to wait until their wedding right. Esai would laugh in his face if he found out, but to Raine, it meant a lot. His mother was gone, she wouldn't be at their wedding. Yet, he believed it would make her smile that they would give each other _everything_ that day. Their loyalty, their love, their bodies. Their lives. That's how love's supposed to be, she would say.

At the thought that Juice would become his husband, his stomach fluttered. No clubs between them, a whole new life for them... It sounded like a fantasy. But one that would come true. One way or the other.

"You wanna have a beer at the clubhouse?" Esai suggested as he realized that he wasn't going to get dirty details.

Raine hesitated. He wasn't exactly in the mood for the condemning looks of the others.

"You secluded yourself from the others, brother. Maybe it wasn't intentional, but you gotta fit in again. Before you do, they won't forgive you."

_Not forgive you. _Raine bit his cheek. By now, it felt more like he had to forgive _them_. Esai however was right. He needed to learn how to behave around the others again, he had to make sure they would trust them. Only then, they would respect his wish to leave.

* * *

Juice must have a magic dick, for Raine clearly got it bad. It didn't sound like a whim. After a good beat up they still stuck together and Esai feared the consequences for his friend if their relationship persisted. He didn't want him to do stupid things because of his feelings for the Son. This whole thing between Juice and Raine needed to end as soon as possible. Before it was too late.

And since they'd been friends since forever, Esai knew that he was the one who had to help Raine. The plan had been in the back of his head all day, yet he had hoped to have a conversation tonight which proved that things weren't _that_ serious between Juice and Raine. But he had been wrong. Every word Raine had said about that guy, had lighted up his face. It felt as if his friend was under a spell and he hated it. Sooner or later, this was going to be his dead and Esai would never be able to forgive himself. And that's why he needed to do something about it. Something that would make him feel guilty too, but with that sort of guilt he was able to live. The alternative was more frightening.

At least, that was what he was telling himself as he dropped a pill in Raine's glass and waited until it dissolved before he got back to the pool table. His friend had been nervous to enter the clubhouse, but after four drinks he was getting looser and became more talkative, reminding him of how his friend used to be. He'd missed this side of him.

Girls grouped around the table. Esai's hand nonchalantly rested upon the tight ass of a brunette with a complicated name. Her friend had bleached hair and a charming smile. Her top was so tight her breasts protruded, but to his annoyance, his friend paid no attention to them. How as it even possible? You gotta miss something like tits, right?

Destiny however _was_ interested in Raine; now and then she slipped her hand across his back and she'd even sat on his lap. For a moment Esai had hoped that there was no need for the pill — until Raine pushed her away when she started to give him a lapdance.

Esai hit a ball and smiled at the brunette, who wrapped an arm around his waist and kissed his neck. His hand slipped underneath her skirt to grab her ass while he watched how Raine put a purple ball in the hole. Damn it. Even after a few drinks, he was still focused.

"You're too distracted by the ladies," Raine smirked as he glanced at Esai's sour face.

_And you too little._

He was just in time to hold back his tongue.

"I have everything under control."

"Uh-huh."

Raine shot another ball in the hole. Two more and he'd win.

Ah well, this game was just a means to an end. Ten more minutes, maybe twenty... First, he would have an energy boost, then the lights would go out.

* * *

It took a little longer than planned, but about half an hour later Raine couldn't stand on his legs anymore. He giggled stupidly and Esai wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

"Think it's time you go to bed, _hermano. _You drank way too much."

Raine chuckled. "Yeah — but it was a good night, huh? Although it would even have been better if my boyfriend was here. You would like him. You really would." Raine leaned into him while Esai supported him, although he was close to slapping him in the face. With a little bit of luck, the name Juice would be forgotten soon. With his eyes, he ordered Phantom to help him. There were no prospects, so tonight he had to act like one.

Phantom gave him a brief look while he wrapped an arm around Raine and helped him towards his bedroom. There, they dumped him on the bed. He fell asleep before his head hit the pillow.

"Take off his clothes," he ordered the younger man. "All of 'em."

The man stared at him. "W-what?"

Esai frowned as his cheeks turned pink. He raised his eyebrows. "What? You get hot for guys too? Damnit — I'm startin' to think it's an infectious disease."

"No man," Phantom answered agitated. "But undressing my brother?"

"Believe me — you do him a favor."

The door opened and Destiny entered the room.

"There's some help."

Esai went to the hallway to wait. This way, it felt like he kept his hands clean. It took almost ten minutes before Panthom left the room. The grimace on his face told Esai how mad he was.

Esai grabbed the boy by his collar and slammed him against the wall.

"You drugged him!" Phantom burst out.

"He'll survive."

"Tomorrow morning he'll think he cheated on his boyfriend. This is disgusting!"

"Listen to me, brat," Esai grumbled, bringing his face closer to the other. "I do what needs to be done. And you're gonna keep your mouth shut or I will strip you of your patch and toss you out on the streets. You got that?"

Phantom looked away.

Of course he understood. Esai was ten ranks above him.

"You got that?!" Esai snapped.

"Yeah," he muttered, his eyes cast down.

"Good. Don't think you'll get away with a mark when you are disobedient. A filthy rat doesn't live long."

Esai pushed the boy away, who skedaddled as fast as he could.

For a moment Esai stared at the door behind which Destiny was crawling on top of his friend.

"It's for your own good," Esai muttered.

Then, he started looking for his own entertainment for tonight, hoping to find distraction from the heavy feeling in his chest. 


	42. Disgust

The sunlight peeking through the window was just as ruthless as a hammer slamming his head. Groaning, he closed his eyes again. He must have been wasted last night. He remembered playing basketball with Esai, but there weren't a lot of other memories.

Behind him, he heard someone else's breathing. Immediately, his headache felt duller, and he smiled. As it seemed, he had gone to Juice last night. Or had Esai passed out in his room? He smelled perfume — and since the number of girls that were always drooling over Esai, it wasn't that far-fetched.

Soft lips touched his shoulder.

Raine froze. That, however, was something Esai would _never _do.

Suddenly, he realized that he was naked.

"Juice?" he asked in confusion.

There was a pit in his stomach. With a jolt, he rolled on his other side.

Playful, blue eyes stared back at him. "Good morning, sweetie."

Raine shot upright and crawled away from her, in such a hurry he almost fell out of bed. With wide eyes, he stared at the woman next to him. She was naked.

"What the fuck are you doin' here?"

She might as well have stabbed a dagger in his chest. Breathing became harder and a sudden pain spread through his body. Had he... Had he slept with her? No — he couldn't, right? He loved Juice. Ever since he met him, there had been no one else on his mind. Had he — had he really...?

A naughty expression crossed her face. "You want me to refresh your memory?" She leaned towards him, her hand gliding under the duvet until she found his thigh. At first, he was so shocked he didn't even feel her hand until she caressed his balls. Immediately, he kicked her away from him.

"Keep your hands off me."

She pouted. "You were nicer when you were drunk. I hadn't had such great sex in a long time. And neither did you — you told me. You said you had to be fucked in the head for believing that a man's body was better than this..." Her hands glided across her upper body.

Raine turned his face away. Shame ripped him to pieces. Had he really said that?

The bed creaked. "Do you feel regret? You did ramble about your boyfriend, but you forgot about him once we were on a roll. You said he'd get it. Some people are just not made to live monogamously. That's okay, Raine. All your brothers would agree."

Raine clenched his fists. He didn't want to hear it. Her words were like poison, and the thought that he had condoned his cheating made him feel sick. "Go away," he whispered.

"But..."

"Go away!!"

She breathed in sharply. "You don't have to yell at me. I did nothing you didn't want me to. You just needed a hot night."

Raine jolted forward and grabbed her upper arm. "Get the fuck outta here," he grumbled. "Before I break your neck."

His words made her flinch and she stepped out of bed.

Raine turned his gaze away from her naked body.

As the door closed, a tear slipped down his cheek. His breathing was heavy and painful; it felt like something was stuck in his throat.

He had cheated on Juice. He had cheated on his boyfriend, and he didn't understand how it could have happened. Briefly, he wiped his eyes. Panic threw itself upon him, jamming its claws in his brain.

Had he lost Juice now?

The thought that he had to tell this to his boyfriend terrified him. He didn't want to lose him. More than anything, he wanted to pretend this had never happened, but he couldn't. Juice deserved better.

The room spun around him as he got up. In the mirror next to the wardrobe, he caught a glimpse of his naked body. It disgusted him. Wobbly, he headed to the bathroom, turned on the warm water, and stepped underneath it while burning his skin.

He remembered carefully cleaning Juice's bruised body. The blush on his cheeks, when Raine told him that a husband should at least be a little sweet. His gullet contracted; a moment later, he puked. Leaning against the shower enclosure, he closed his eyes.

It was true. He had wanted to marry Juice.

So how the hell could he have done this?

Furiously he scrubbed his body, erasing the traces of that girl from his body. However, the horrible guilt didn't go away. It drilled a hole in his chest that kept growing and growing.

Raine took a few deep breaths. He didn't want to give in to his sadness. _He_ had caused this. _He_ had cheated on his man. He had no right to weep over it. Furiously, he slammed open the shower door and dried off. He didn't know what to do with himself; he couldn't even look in the mirror without wanting to puke.

Never before, he had been disgusted with himself. Now, he couldn't even bear his own reflection.

After putting on his clothes, he left his room. His room in which his boyfriend had been lying a few days ago, more dead than alive. The thought that Juice had almost died for their love while Raine had flushed it through the drain crushed his heart.

Slamming the door behind him, he entered the clubhouse. He didn't plan to eat; he was sure he would throw up anyway. He just wanted to leave this cursed place forever. If they hadn't made such a fuss about his feelings for Juice, he might never have been drunk last night.

_Which feelings, Raine? You cheated on him. What sick son of a bitch does such a thing?_

His shoulders tensed as he saw Esai standing at the bar, a knowing grin on his face. Something snapped — Raine rushed over to his friend and grabbed his throat. "Did you get me drunk?"

With a punch in the gut, the guy made him step back.

"We just had a good night, just like we used to. Yeah — we drank a bit. But it's not my fault that you and Destiny couldn't keep your hands off each other."

"You knew I had a boyfriend."

Esai shrugged. "And you knew I don't exactly adore him. Come on, dude — you slipped up. So what? I'm sure lover boy fucks a club slut now and then too."

Raine clenched his fist. There was no point in a discussion. Esai didn't know Juice, and he wasn't going to show pity.

Without even giving him a second glance, he stormed out of the building.

He didn't know where to go. He couldn't think of anyone who'd want to listen to his bullshit. Nobody who really cared about him would approve of what he'd done. Everyone would hate him for cheating on a sweet guy like Juice. The man who had been his tower of strength since he lost Rosa.

* * *

He had no idea how long he wandered through Oakland, but he sat huddled at his sister's grave at some point. Leaning against the headstone, he stared at the ground. He thought of how Juice had been there for him after the funeral. Nobody else could have offered him the peace Juice had given him.

And what did he give him in return?

A broken heart.

He betrayed his trust. He was unfaithful.

A tear rolled down his cheek, quickly followed by another one. He didn't want to allow himself to cry, but he couldn't stop it. It didn't take long before his shoulders were shaking, and he pulled his legs to his chest.

"How could I, Rosa?" he whispered. "What's wrong with me? I — I don't get it. I love him — and now I'm hurting him in the worst way possible. Will he ever forgive me?"

Did he _want_ Juice to forgive him? He didn't want to be the kind of man stringing his partner along. Who promised to be better without actually doing it. What convinced him he wouldn't do it a second time? There would be another night in which he would get wasted, especially as long as he was tied to the club. And then? Would he dive into bed with a random girl again? What did it say about him, about their relationship, when a part of him had wanted this?

He pressed his face against his knees, but the sobs kept leaving his lips. He didn't know who he was anymore. He was sure he'd loved none of his exes like he loved Juice — and yet, he'd never cheated on them.

"I don't wanna lose him," he whispered. "After Mom, after you... I can't lose him, Rose. I need him so badly."

_You should have thought about that before you took someone else to bed._

He flinched.

He felt terribly alone and it was his own fault.


End file.
